(no subject)
I feel conflicted. It's like I am being torn in two completely opposite directions at the same time. Every single aspect of my life seems to have this polarization. My mother is gone on a cross-country trip with Dave, and although I have been secretly waiting for the day when she will no longer be across town to speed over, now that she's gone, things seem odd.
The growing up part is the worst. Half of me wants, well knows, that it is time for me to start making wise "adult," long-term, decisions. The other part keeps repeating its "I'm just 21" mantra. I feel that there are so many plans that I must make and so many opportunities for fun that I am missing in order to better prepare myself for, let's face it, a future that is not even guaranteed to come.
I always think I want one thing and then once the other is gone, I realize I was wrong. Is this always the case? Is the grass always greener on the other side? Perhaps it is. Maybe contentment is to be loathed. No one wants to be content, everyone wants to be blissfully happy. Happy to the point of exhaustion. That is why no one ever wants to settle. Nothing is ever good enough, something better will always come along. Well, what if it doesn't? What if you find something that makes you happier than you have ever been, and then you're stupid enough to lose it?
Does fate grant second chances?
Do people ever forgive and forget? I know women don't. It is virtually impossible for me to ignore any wrong-doing ever done to me. It's not that I intentionally hold things against people, it just ends up being brought up for absolutely no reason. I am always trying to find flaws in everything. Inconsistencies. Trouble. I am a troublemaker. Not an earth-shaker like I had hoped, but a drama-monger. Mundane relaxation is beyond me. Anything simple, obvious, true, or easy, can not be the right choice.
I make everything hard.
Pretty much anyone who has had any kind of experience with me can verify that. I guess, I'm sorry, but maybe I wouldn't be interesting if I were easily pleased. Maybe my plight for something beyond what I already possess makes me who I am. I can't say that I know.
All I know is that I am afraid. I am afraid of constantly ruining what is good. Afraid of not being anything and even more afraid of always trying to be too much.
The growing up part is the worst. Half of me wants, well knows, that it is time for me to start making wise "adult," long-term, decisions. The other part keeps repeating its "I'm just 21" mantra. I feel that there are so many plans that I must make and so many opportunities for fun that I am missing in order to better prepare myself for, let's face it, a future that is not even guaranteed to come.
I always think I want one thing and then once the other is gone, I realize I was wrong. Is this always the case? Is the grass always greener on the other side? Perhaps it is. Maybe contentment is to be loathed. No one wants to be content, everyone wants to be blissfully happy. Happy to the point of exhaustion. That is why no one ever wants to settle. Nothing is ever good enough, something better will always come along. Well, what if it doesn't? What if you find something that makes you happier than you have ever been, and then you're stupid enough to lose it?
Does fate grant second chances?
Do people ever forgive and forget? I know women don't. It is virtually impossible for me to ignore any wrong-doing ever done to me. It's not that I intentionally hold things against people, it just ends up being brought up for absolutely no reason. I am always trying to find flaws in everything. Inconsistencies. Trouble. I am a troublemaker. Not an earth-shaker like I had hoped, but a drama-monger. Mundane relaxation is beyond me. Anything simple, obvious, true, or easy, can not be the right choice.
I make everything hard.
Pretty much anyone who has had any kind of experience with me can verify that. I guess, I'm sorry, but maybe I wouldn't be interesting if I were easily pleased. Maybe my plight for something beyond what I already possess makes me who I am. I can't say that I know.
All I know is that I am afraid. I am afraid of constantly ruining what is good. Afraid of not being anything and even more afraid of always trying to be too much.