Looking back, and having it all!
I wrote in September of last year:
"I'm Not wrecklessly happy, but content. Maybe this contentness is what makes it REAL. Maybe I have spent so much time and energy searching for anything that could be better that I have always missed out on what I have had. I know that that is at least partially true. Frankly, I blame my mother. She enstilled in me these expectations that can not really ever be reached. Nothing is ever perfect. I do, however, think that I am beginning to grow up. I have no real desire to continue looking for what's new and exciting. It seems to rip my heart out and leave me for dead...no no no. I now am interested in self betterment. I don't think that's a real word, but oh well. I think I will end up a lot happier if I maintain the things I do have instead of taking heinous chances on things that never really want me in the first place.
I don't know. All I know is that eventually I will get bored. It is inevitable. That is who I am...I wish that there was a way to be perpetually entertained while in a stable relationship. I just don't see how it's possible. Maybe I should just be entertained more by everyday living rather than extravagances and exciting circumstances.
I just want to do EVERYTHING. I want to go EVERYWHERE. I want to meet EVERYONE. I think I just want too much."
I just figured out that I have it all. I am bettering myself, I'll never be bored, and I could not imagine being any happier than I am right now. Cole has been messing with me and he doesn't even know it. A giant key with COLE on it, a speedy gonzales tattoo, Travis' laugh (identical), it's weird that I notice these things, but it's good because the place that I am right now, for the first time, I am not bothered by them. I am happy. I wouldn't want to be anywhere but where I am right now.
And Ian is wonderful. Young, but wonderful.
"I'm Not wrecklessly happy, but content. Maybe this contentness is what makes it REAL. Maybe I have spent so much time and energy searching for anything that could be better that I have always missed out on what I have had. I know that that is at least partially true. Frankly, I blame my mother. She enstilled in me these expectations that can not really ever be reached. Nothing is ever perfect. I do, however, think that I am beginning to grow up. I have no real desire to continue looking for what's new and exciting. It seems to rip my heart out and leave me for dead...no no no. I now am interested in self betterment. I don't think that's a real word, but oh well. I think I will end up a lot happier if I maintain the things I do have instead of taking heinous chances on things that never really want me in the first place.
I don't know. All I know is that eventually I will get bored. It is inevitable. That is who I am...I wish that there was a way to be perpetually entertained while in a stable relationship. I just don't see how it's possible. Maybe I should just be entertained more by everyday living rather than extravagances and exciting circumstances.
I just want to do EVERYTHING. I want to go EVERYWHERE. I want to meet EVERYONE. I think I just want too much."
I just figured out that I have it all. I am bettering myself, I'll never be bored, and I could not imagine being any happier than I am right now. Cole has been messing with me and he doesn't even know it. A giant key with COLE on it, a speedy gonzales tattoo, Travis' laugh (identical), it's weird that I notice these things, but it's good because the place that I am right now, for the first time, I am not bothered by them. I am happy. I wouldn't want to be anywhere but where I am right now.
And Ian is wonderful. Young, but wonderful.