The Story of Phil Dweezy
People keep asking me about the Phil Dweezy meme, and I also wanted to keep it for posterity sake, so I compiled some of the best Phil excerpts. Phil Dweezy is a character made up by the fan-fucking-tasic Richard Lawson over at Gawker.com
The (Mis)Adventures of Cousin Phil Dweezy
Top 12: Rolling Stones
I'm pretty sure there's a guy on this show named Phil Dweezy who's been pretty much whiffing it every night for weeks. Am I right about this? He's like David Cook's stoner cousin who wore Vans and cargo jeans to Thanksgiving and no one could really figure out what happened with his parents, how they raised wrong-side-of-the-tracks kids when everyone else in the family was firmly right-side.
Top 11: Billboard #1s
Phil Dweezy is just... I'm so glad they let your cousin into the competition. He'd had a tough year. But now he's on this show and he's singing his bar songs and, you know, he seems real happy. Your aunt Karen called your mom the other day and was saying that she hasn't seen Phil this happy since he made the baseball team in high school. Phil Dweezy. Your cousin.
Top 8: Elvis
Hey guess who I talked to the other day? Your Aunt Karen! She was telling me about your cousin Phil Dweezy. He did real good on the Idol program the other day she said! Yeah, he was real nervous 'cause he's always like that, you know, it's just how he is, but he toughed it out, Karen said, and he did a real nice Elvis song. Karen says she hasn't seen him that happy since that summer when he was fifteen and he went to visit your Uncle Jerry out in Flagstaff and he met that Navajo girl? Remember that? She had some Indian name but I think most people just called her Maria, and oh it was your cousin's first real big crush on a girl, he was a late bloomer, you know.
Top 7: Inspirational Songs
I talked to your Aunt Karen the other day and you know what she said? She said she's getting a little worried about your cousin, Phil Dweezy. Oh no, he's doing fine, he's doing well. She just thinks maybe too well? You know, he's been on the singing show and I guess, Karen tells me, that the audience people really are liking his songs and things. But you remember how he can get. You remember when he was, oh gosh fourteen maybe, and he got his picture in the paper because he found that dead man in the fields behind Trexler Middle? Well he got a little bit of a big head about it, which is rare for him, being how shy he normally is. You remember, he just walked around like he owned the place for a week or so and gave your aunt a little lip. Oh, it passed. But you know, this music show is a lot bigger than getting your picture in the Morning Call. So Karen's just worried he might, you know, let it go to his head or something.
Top 6: Shania Twain
The Good
Um... I...
Pffft. I guess Cousin Phil Dweezy did well. I don't know. I was thinking (and Tweeeeeeting!) about it last night, and it just is sort of a shame how Idol can turn a nice fellow like your Cousin Phil Dweezy - who I call your cousin because he was basically everyone's schlumpy-cute, sorta aimless cousin from Allentown or somewhere similar - into the smirking fuhgeddaboudit he was last night. Kara was all shiver-me-shits about him smiling! she likes it when he smiles!, but I don't know. It didn't seem so much like genial smiling as much as it did "Oh yeahhh, I'm rocking this bitch out, I'm Phil f'ing Dweezy.”
Top 5: Frank Sinatra
Second place should go to... your Cousin Phil Dweezy! Oh gosh he was good, huh? Boy oh boy. He's growing into a fine young man on that stage there, isn't he? Oh, and handsome! The girls are gonna love him. I tell ya, I haven't seen him look that handsome since his senior prom. Remember that? He was all excited because he was going to the prom with this real pretty girl, Allison Moorewood. I don't know how he swung that date, but he did and he was real nervous about it, but he got himself dressed up real nice. I told your Aunt Karen, I said "Keeks, I think you've got nothin' to worry about." Because, you know, that was after she'd found that marijuana joint in his drawer and he'd stopped doin' well in school and, I dunno. It was just a funk he was in, you know? But he bounced out of it some days, like that prom day. Which meant it wasn't a real deep kinda thing. Anyway. That's what I thought about, Phil in his retro tuxedo standing outside Karen's house, when I saw your cousin up there last night, in that smart suit, looking very handsome and happy. It's amazing what people can do, isn't it. Just wonderful where people go.
Top 3: Hometown Visits
Oh, Phil. Geez Louise, huh? I never thought I'd say this but when I was watching the program last night I turned to your dad and I said, "He did it. He really did it." I think your cousin may have won the Idol program with those songs he did last night. Don't you? Maybe I'm crazy. I called your Aunt Karen right after and she was real nervous still, still didn't want to jinx anything. You remember when Phil thought he was going to get into that special music camp that one summer? You know, the one at Muhlenberg they got for teens for a coupla weeks in August or something? Oh sure, your aunt even bought him that new guitar special, and he was, oh you know, he was strutting around a little bit, the big music star. Oh but then he got that letter, and they said it had been a big year for applications and they were real sorry but they just couldn't fit him in. Well, I'll tell ya, I'm glad I wasn't there to see that boy's face. And he was in his teens, fifteen, sixteen or so, so I know he didn't cry and carry on, but he was real upset. Sure. So, you know, Karen's worried about that. But I said to her "Keeks, I know lots of people sing the Hallelujah song on Idol show these days and it's probably too many people, but he did sound pretty darn good and it was definitely one of those moments people are always mentioning. So you gotta figure that he did well and he made ya proud, and that's all that really matters in the end.”
Elimination night:
We also got to go home with the Idols, which is always fun. We didn't really get to see much of the dumpy lean-tos they crawled out of, but we did see some other things. Mostly we saw cheering and crying, crying and cheering. Boy does Phil Dweezy like to cry, huh?
Well, it looks to be cousin Phil's game, don't it? I think he probably just inspires a little more lust and love and stuff. Crystal's talents are a bit colder, a bit more polished. Phil has the American Idol scratch, he leaves claw marks everywhere he goes. People like that. People like an underdog.
Top 2: Finale, Performance Night
OK, see, now I think it's gonna be Phil. I think he's too beloved to lose. People have seen into his soul patch and they like what they saw - a soft squishy thing, a hint of shag carpeting, some barely used dumbbells sitting in a mildewed corner, mysterious socks lying under the couch. They have seen into Phil's basement boy's room essence and, compared to Crystal's - which is spikier, harder to traverse - it looks a little like heaven. Like the kind of thing they want to be. Like, well, a beautiful day.
Grand Finale:
Phil was... Phil was stunned, thunderstruck, awed and cowed. This does not happen to Phil. This never happens to Phil Dweezy. The Phil Dweezys of the world watch the paint cans shake forever, they drive a series of dying cars, they enjoy beer in backyards, kids playing dumbly, watching the pine trees bend in the wind. Phil Dweezy does not win popular gay singing competitions. Only now, they do. Oh Phil they do! And it's no surprise, really. He's the hapless hangdog, the success story we like to give to strangers. "Here you go, here's this, this thing we'll never have ourselves, but here, enjoy it, it's for you, from us." That is why Phil won. Because he was easier, more sympathetic. Crystal was there before the show started. Phil got there on the show. If we're judging our own science fair, how can we not give the blue ribbon to our own science project? Go Phil, it's your birthday.
And Phil called his mom, his mother Karen, and she was so happy on the phone. "I can't wait to call your aunt!" Phil chuckled, knowing how those two could get on the phone, and he told her thank you for being there, thank you for being nice. And your Aunt Karen grew quiet on the phone and said "Always, honey. Absolutely always." She made a kissing noise and then Phil hung up. Randy sauntered up behind him and said "Yo yo yo, ready to hit the aftah partyyyyy??" and Phil shrugged his shoulders. Sure, what the fuck. "Welcome to groupietown, son! Population: you! And me, dawg. And me too. C'mon, let's go get 'em wet." And so they did. Cousin Phil did. It's OK. Don't worry about it. He'll be fine.
YAY COUSIN PHIL!
The (Mis)Adventures of Cousin Phil Dweezy
Top 12: Rolling Stones
I'm pretty sure there's a guy on this show named Phil Dweezy who's been pretty much whiffing it every night for weeks. Am I right about this? He's like David Cook's stoner cousin who wore Vans and cargo jeans to Thanksgiving and no one could really figure out what happened with his parents, how they raised wrong-side-of-the-tracks kids when everyone else in the family was firmly right-side.
Top 11: Billboard #1s
Phil Dweezy is just... I'm so glad they let your cousin into the competition. He'd had a tough year. But now he's on this show and he's singing his bar songs and, you know, he seems real happy. Your aunt Karen called your mom the other day and was saying that she hasn't seen Phil this happy since he made the baseball team in high school. Phil Dweezy. Your cousin.
Top 8: Elvis
Hey guess who I talked to the other day? Your Aunt Karen! She was telling me about your cousin Phil Dweezy. He did real good on the Idol program the other day she said! Yeah, he was real nervous 'cause he's always like that, you know, it's just how he is, but he toughed it out, Karen said, and he did a real nice Elvis song. Karen says she hasn't seen him that happy since that summer when he was fifteen and he went to visit your Uncle Jerry out in Flagstaff and he met that Navajo girl? Remember that? She had some Indian name but I think most people just called her Maria, and oh it was your cousin's first real big crush on a girl, he was a late bloomer, you know.
Top 7: Inspirational Songs
I talked to your Aunt Karen the other day and you know what she said? She said she's getting a little worried about your cousin, Phil Dweezy. Oh no, he's doing fine, he's doing well. She just thinks maybe too well? You know, he's been on the singing show and I guess, Karen tells me, that the audience people really are liking his songs and things. But you remember how he can get. You remember when he was, oh gosh fourteen maybe, and he got his picture in the paper because he found that dead man in the fields behind Trexler Middle? Well he got a little bit of a big head about it, which is rare for him, being how shy he normally is. You remember, he just walked around like he owned the place for a week or so and gave your aunt a little lip. Oh, it passed. But you know, this music show is a lot bigger than getting your picture in the Morning Call. So Karen's just worried he might, you know, let it go to his head or something.
Top 6: Shania Twain
The Good
Um... I...
Pffft. I guess Cousin Phil Dweezy did well. I don't know. I was thinking (and Tweeeeeeting!) about it last night, and it just is sort of a shame how Idol can turn a nice fellow like your Cousin Phil Dweezy - who I call your cousin because he was basically everyone's schlumpy-cute, sorta aimless cousin from Allentown or somewhere similar - into the smirking fuhgeddaboudit he was last night. Kara was all shiver-me-shits about him smiling! she likes it when he smiles!, but I don't know. It didn't seem so much like genial smiling as much as it did "Oh yeahhh, I'm rocking this bitch out, I'm Phil f'ing Dweezy.”
Top 5: Frank Sinatra
Second place should go to... your Cousin Phil Dweezy! Oh gosh he was good, huh? Boy oh boy. He's growing into a fine young man on that stage there, isn't he? Oh, and handsome! The girls are gonna love him. I tell ya, I haven't seen him look that handsome since his senior prom. Remember that? He was all excited because he was going to the prom with this real pretty girl, Allison Moorewood. I don't know how he swung that date, but he did and he was real nervous about it, but he got himself dressed up real nice. I told your Aunt Karen, I said "Keeks, I think you've got nothin' to worry about." Because, you know, that was after she'd found that marijuana joint in his drawer and he'd stopped doin' well in school and, I dunno. It was just a funk he was in, you know? But he bounced out of it some days, like that prom day. Which meant it wasn't a real deep kinda thing. Anyway. That's what I thought about, Phil in his retro tuxedo standing outside Karen's house, when I saw your cousin up there last night, in that smart suit, looking very handsome and happy. It's amazing what people can do, isn't it. Just wonderful where people go.
Top 3: Hometown Visits
Oh, Phil. Geez Louise, huh? I never thought I'd say this but when I was watching the program last night I turned to your dad and I said, "He did it. He really did it." I think your cousin may have won the Idol program with those songs he did last night. Don't you? Maybe I'm crazy. I called your Aunt Karen right after and she was real nervous still, still didn't want to jinx anything. You remember when Phil thought he was going to get into that special music camp that one summer? You know, the one at Muhlenberg they got for teens for a coupla weeks in August or something? Oh sure, your aunt even bought him that new guitar special, and he was, oh you know, he was strutting around a little bit, the big music star. Oh but then he got that letter, and they said it had been a big year for applications and they were real sorry but they just couldn't fit him in. Well, I'll tell ya, I'm glad I wasn't there to see that boy's face. And he was in his teens, fifteen, sixteen or so, so I know he didn't cry and carry on, but he was real upset. Sure. So, you know, Karen's worried about that. But I said to her "Keeks, I know lots of people sing the Hallelujah song on Idol show these days and it's probably too many people, but he did sound pretty darn good and it was definitely one of those moments people are always mentioning. So you gotta figure that he did well and he made ya proud, and that's all that really matters in the end.”
Elimination night:
We also got to go home with the Idols, which is always fun. We didn't really get to see much of the dumpy lean-tos they crawled out of, but we did see some other things. Mostly we saw cheering and crying, crying and cheering. Boy does Phil Dweezy like to cry, huh?
Well, it looks to be cousin Phil's game, don't it? I think he probably just inspires a little more lust and love and stuff. Crystal's talents are a bit colder, a bit more polished. Phil has the American Idol scratch, he leaves claw marks everywhere he goes. People like that. People like an underdog.
Top 2: Finale, Performance Night
OK, see, now I think it's gonna be Phil. I think he's too beloved to lose. People have seen into his soul patch and they like what they saw - a soft squishy thing, a hint of shag carpeting, some barely used dumbbells sitting in a mildewed corner, mysterious socks lying under the couch. They have seen into Phil's basement boy's room essence and, compared to Crystal's - which is spikier, harder to traverse - it looks a little like heaven. Like the kind of thing they want to be. Like, well, a beautiful day.
Grand Finale:
Phil was... Phil was stunned, thunderstruck, awed and cowed. This does not happen to Phil. This never happens to Phil Dweezy. The Phil Dweezys of the world watch the paint cans shake forever, they drive a series of dying cars, they enjoy beer in backyards, kids playing dumbly, watching the pine trees bend in the wind. Phil Dweezy does not win popular gay singing competitions. Only now, they do. Oh Phil they do! And it's no surprise, really. He's the hapless hangdog, the success story we like to give to strangers. "Here you go, here's this, this thing we'll never have ourselves, but here, enjoy it, it's for you, from us." That is why Phil won. Because he was easier, more sympathetic. Crystal was there before the show started. Phil got there on the show. If we're judging our own science fair, how can we not give the blue ribbon to our own science project? Go Phil, it's your birthday.
And Phil called his mom, his mother Karen, and she was so happy on the phone. "I can't wait to call your aunt!" Phil chuckled, knowing how those two could get on the phone, and he told her thank you for being there, thank you for being nice. And your Aunt Karen grew quiet on the phone and said "Always, honey. Absolutely always." She made a kissing noise and then Phil hung up. Randy sauntered up behind him and said "Yo yo yo, ready to hit the aftah partyyyyy??" and Phil shrugged his shoulders. Sure, what the fuck. "Welcome to groupietown, son! Population: you! And me, dawg. And me too. C'mon, let's go get 'em wet." And so they did. Cousin Phil did. It's OK. Don't worry about it. He'll be fine.
YAY COUSIN PHIL!