here we go
So, life in all forms isn't easy unless you count the amazing 5 year old who seems to be the sunshine on most days.
Noah has Muscular dystrophy. He will die incredibly young. He will not be the first kid I have seen die slowly but hopefully it will be the only time I will see one of my own children in that situation. It is painful and the rest of my life is colored by this one thing.
In theory this is the worst time to find someone new. In theory this is the worst time to think about all the things that were part of ye olde 10 year plan and yet all of these bad ideas are exactly what I find myself doing.
Career wise it makes sense I float my info everywhere in the StL metro and see if I get a bite which would create a situation where I would be closer to Noah's doctors. So there is that. Accelerated plan in action.
Then there comes the struggle in this plot. I met an amazing man recently. One that I find myself inexplicably drawn to like his energy has a specific gravity to mine. I find my normally untrusting self willing to trust him with my tears in a way that only comes usually with time. Then I find myself in full view of his newly over-complicated life that makes this not an ideal time for either of us.
Sigh and yet the feelings are there and we acknowledge them without knowing if we shall ever get to explore them in fullness. At the same time we find ourselves comforted just being near.
Life is messy and there is never a right time or an easy time to do something. No one's tomorrow is guaranteed. Rather than worry about all the things I see hear and feel I am working on living fully present in each moment. I need to work on being willing to let life be sideways and be ok in that full loss of control because I believe there will be beauty in all of it. Beauty in the lessons Noah teaches us, beauty in this new kinship, and beauty regardless where I end up by next year.
Noah has Muscular dystrophy. He will die incredibly young. He will not be the first kid I have seen die slowly but hopefully it will be the only time I will see one of my own children in that situation. It is painful and the rest of my life is colored by this one thing.
In theory this is the worst time to find someone new. In theory this is the worst time to think about all the things that were part of ye olde 10 year plan and yet all of these bad ideas are exactly what I find myself doing.
Career wise it makes sense I float my info everywhere in the StL metro and see if I get a bite which would create a situation where I would be closer to Noah's doctors. So there is that. Accelerated plan in action.
Then there comes the struggle in this plot. I met an amazing man recently. One that I find myself inexplicably drawn to like his energy has a specific gravity to mine. I find my normally untrusting self willing to trust him with my tears in a way that only comes usually with time. Then I find myself in full view of his newly over-complicated life that makes this not an ideal time for either of us.
Sigh and yet the feelings are there and we acknowledge them without knowing if we shall ever get to explore them in fullness. At the same time we find ourselves comforted just being near.
Life is messy and there is never a right time or an easy time to do something. No one's tomorrow is guaranteed. Rather than worry about all the things I see hear and feel I am working on living fully present in each moment. I need to work on being willing to let life be sideways and be ok in that full loss of control because I believe there will be beauty in all of it. Beauty in the lessons Noah teaches us, beauty in this new kinship, and beauty regardless where I end up by next year.