(no subject)
maybe you were right...maybe i was wrong...
maybe i am still bitter, i know i'm still hurt...
why can't my conscious & subconscious just get along?
i hate dreaming of him...i wake up upset, sad, pissed, hurt, thinking, who the fuck knows what else.
i hate thinking of him for more than an innocent second...because anything longer than that seems to be inevitably torturous dwelling that i know i don't want to put myself through.
i hate hearing from him...it forces me to think of him, and as hard as i try i almost inevitably end up caring about any conversation or possibility of conversation at least a tiny bit - and caring at all is caring too much.
i hate that i could get him back (i.e. revenge, not get him back as in mine - i don't want that)...but that involves lowering me to his level, which i am better than.
i hate that he's a part of my life even though he's not in it currently (and probably won't ever be again)...and that that will never change because i can never escape the mistakes that i made because of him or the memory of the pains caused by him.
i hate that i can't hate him despite all that he did to me...because i'm not a hateful person.
i hate knowing that i will always have to live with the things he put me through...(even though i know that i will come out on top, and i will be okay)...when i also know that he may never suffer consequences for what he's done to me...because right now i am hurt...one day i won't care...but right now i am still hurt...though it's easing, i am hurt. & i don't want to be vengeful, and i don't think i am, but i can't say that with certainty...so it's hard to hurt, and know that this will always affect me, and it may never affect him.
i hate being so damn smart & talented but so damn stupid and naive at the same time...because it's frustrating to feel like your life is an oxymoron.
i don't want to feel anything, NOT A DAMN THING, because of him anymore...i don't want to feel happiness because of him, i don't want to feel love, i don't want to feel gratitude, i don't want to feel appreciation, i don't want to feel hurt, i don't want to feel pain, i don't want to feel sorrow, i don't want to feel anger, i don't want to feel A GOD DAMN THING because of him...but i do. and i really wish i didn't because i just want to move on with my life and be happy. and lord knows that i'm trying - i'm going out with friends, going on pseudo dates, i'm lookin at the positive in my life, i'm enjoying myself, i'm living for me - and yet i go to sleep at night thinking of completely different things...and wake up in the morning remembering a horrible dream about him...and then i struggle the rest of the day to get the thoughts about him, about the dream, about what the dream means, & all that shit out of my head. only to find a message from him in my box. & then to find myself constantly looking back. i have made so much progress, and i am doing so well...why am i still doing all this? and why am i having to vent this?
hopefully this is normal and a 'phase' of moving on from something of this nature (i've never experienced anything like this before in my life, so i don't know)...but i wish it'd pass quicker and sooner.
all i want is to be happy.
and for him to stop being in my life...giving me reason to be things other than happy.
maybe i am still bitter, i know i'm still hurt...
why can't my conscious & subconscious just get along?
i hate dreaming of him...i wake up upset, sad, pissed, hurt, thinking, who the fuck knows what else.
i hate thinking of him for more than an innocent second...because anything longer than that seems to be inevitably torturous dwelling that i know i don't want to put myself through.
i hate hearing from him...it forces me to think of him, and as hard as i try i almost inevitably end up caring about any conversation or possibility of conversation at least a tiny bit - and caring at all is caring too much.
i hate that i could get him back (i.e. revenge, not get him back as in mine - i don't want that)...but that involves lowering me to his level, which i am better than.
i hate that he's a part of my life even though he's not in it currently (and probably won't ever be again)...and that that will never change because i can never escape the mistakes that i made because of him or the memory of the pains caused by him.
i hate that i can't hate him despite all that he did to me...because i'm not a hateful person.
i hate knowing that i will always have to live with the things he put me through...(even though i know that i will come out on top, and i will be okay)...when i also know that he may never suffer consequences for what he's done to me...because right now i am hurt...one day i won't care...but right now i am still hurt...though it's easing, i am hurt. & i don't want to be vengeful, and i don't think i am, but i can't say that with certainty...so it's hard to hurt, and know that this will always affect me, and it may never affect him.
i hate being so damn smart & talented but so damn stupid and naive at the same time...because it's frustrating to feel like your life is an oxymoron.
i don't want to feel anything, NOT A DAMN THING, because of him anymore...i don't want to feel happiness because of him, i don't want to feel love, i don't want to feel gratitude, i don't want to feel appreciation, i don't want to feel hurt, i don't want to feel pain, i don't want to feel sorrow, i don't want to feel anger, i don't want to feel A GOD DAMN THING because of him...but i do. and i really wish i didn't because i just want to move on with my life and be happy. and lord knows that i'm trying - i'm going out with friends, going on pseudo dates, i'm lookin at the positive in my life, i'm enjoying myself, i'm living for me - and yet i go to sleep at night thinking of completely different things...and wake up in the morning remembering a horrible dream about him...and then i struggle the rest of the day to get the thoughts about him, about the dream, about what the dream means, & all that shit out of my head. only to find a message from him in my box. & then to find myself constantly looking back. i have made so much progress, and i am doing so well...why am i still doing all this? and why am i having to vent this?
hopefully this is normal and a 'phase' of moving on from something of this nature (i've never experienced anything like this before in my life, so i don't know)...but i wish it'd pass quicker and sooner.
all i want is to be happy.
and for him to stop being in my life...giving me reason to be things other than happy.