Guilt Versus Gratitude-Part I
Today was Shrink Day. I hadn't been in about 2 weeks because of my illness the other day. She asked how I was doing, and I really tried to sound better when I replied, "OK, I guess," but she wasn't buying it.
I'm still depressed. Even after stopping the estrace and progesterone shots, my mood is still in the toilet. Well, actually it isn't a painfully bad mood. It is more of a want-to-withdraw-from-the-world-and-sleep-round-the-clock type of mood. It's one of those depressions you can function in as long as you've got nothing that needs to be done in your life…like work, laundry, grocery shopping or even answering the phone. So I don't feel depressed (as long as I am comfy in my featherbed), but I know logically that I'm depressed. Unfortunately, I'm not very motivated to do anything about it. Dr. Shrink, however, is not happy with my current state.
I confessed that I still have DBTs. They plague me most days. But (and here's the really loony part) if I start to think that I might actually have a baby at the end of this pregnancy, I feel such guilt for daring to think that something good might actually happen here. Guilt and fear weigh me down, so much so that I am afraid to have any positive thoughts.
I also shared with her the great guilt that I've been carrying for the past few months. I went to Cape Town and got pregnant, yet two of my dear friends, Fran and Millie, were not successful in their cycles. It is so wrong that it didn't work for them. It shouldn't have worked for me either. I don't deserve this pregnancy more than they deserve theirs. It shouldn't have happened this way. Either we all fail or we all succeed. But this…this is smothering me in guilt. Sometimes I find myself struggling to breathe.
{Break for wicked sobbing}
I don't think I'm going to be able to process much more tonight, as I had hoped. I think I will turn this post into a two-parter. I'm unable to even get past the litany of "you don't deserve this" that I keep hearing in my head right now. But do know that Dr. Shrink started to touch on the idea of replacing my guilt with gratitude. Yet, right at this moment, I'm not in touch with such rational thought.
Bear with me, my friends…
I'm still depressed. Even after stopping the estrace and progesterone shots, my mood is still in the toilet. Well, actually it isn't a painfully bad mood. It is more of a want-to-withdraw-from-the-world-and-sleep-round-the-clock type of mood. It's one of those depressions you can function in as long as you've got nothing that needs to be done in your life…like work, laundry, grocery shopping or even answering the phone. So I don't feel depressed (as long as I am comfy in my featherbed), but I know logically that I'm depressed. Unfortunately, I'm not very motivated to do anything about it. Dr. Shrink, however, is not happy with my current state.
I confessed that I still have DBTs. They plague me most days. But (and here's the really loony part) if I start to think that I might actually have a baby at the end of this pregnancy, I feel such guilt for daring to think that something good might actually happen here. Guilt and fear weigh me down, so much so that I am afraid to have any positive thoughts.
I also shared with her the great guilt that I've been carrying for the past few months. I went to Cape Town and got pregnant, yet two of my dear friends, Fran and Millie, were not successful in their cycles. It is so wrong that it didn't work for them. It shouldn't have worked for me either. I don't deserve this pregnancy more than they deserve theirs. It shouldn't have happened this way. Either we all fail or we all succeed. But this…this is smothering me in guilt. Sometimes I find myself struggling to breathe.
{Break for wicked sobbing}
I don't think I'm going to be able to process much more tonight, as I had hoped. I think I will turn this post into a two-parter. I'm unable to even get past the litany of "you don't deserve this" that I keep hearing in my head right now. But do know that Dr. Shrink started to touch on the idea of replacing my guilt with gratitude. Yet, right at this moment, I'm not in touch with such rational thought.
Bear with me, my friends…