Heartbeats
Originally published at Welcome To The Dollhouse. You can comment here or there.
esterday was Shrink Day. Today was OB Day, the day of my first appointment with Dr. Mama. Of course I was late. Getting into Center City from the outer reaches of Montgomery County is ridiculous. Every time I think I’ve got the best route figured out, I end up arriving 30 minutes later than I anticipated. It should not take 90 minutes to travel 27 miles. It just shouldn’t. Next time I am taking the train.
So since I am late, I have to wait about 2 hours to see Dr. Mama. Of course he is so worth it. While I was waiting, I decided to save him some time and write up my complete medical and OB history. Mason was with me at first, but he had to be back in the office by 12, so I got to see Saifudden alone.
It was good to see him when he finally got to my exam room. Having worked with him all these years, I knew that he’s a doctor I can trust. And I let few (if any) male MDs around my cha cha, so that is high praise. He saw that I had gained about 9 or so pounds in the first trimester. I felt like a pig. He was very clear. “Liana, you are not fat. You are pregnant. It wouldn’t be unexpected for you to gain as much as 45 pounds during pregnancy. No dieting, no restricting. I know how you are about your weight.” (When I told Mason this, he was like, “I adore this man already!”)
In reviewing my history and stuff about this pregnancy, the biggest issue that worried his was…my depression. Yeah, a gynecologist who worries about your mood. I shared with him some of the stuff I disclosed yesterday in therapy and he did his level best to help me come up with strategies to combat the depression in which I am mired. You see, this is a perfect example of why he’s always behind. He is a doctor who, like I used to try to do, gives patients what they need, no matter how long it takes.
Then we moved on to the baby. Of course I was fighting my usual DBTs, but was trying to put a good face on things. He felt my uterus and determine that my protruding stomach was not just fatness, like I thought it was, but uterus and fibroids. Though I am 13 weeks, I am measuring about 20-22 weeks. Guess it is good that I ordered some maternity pants and Bella Bands.
He next set about finding the heartbeat with the Doppler. We listened and listened. I heard my pulse a zillion times. After about 10 minutes, he was like, “I think I heard the baby. Did you hear it?” Nope, I replied as I started to flood with DBTs. A few minutes later he went over another area and I thought I heard a rapid beating at the same time that he said, “I’m sure I heard it that time.” The fibroids were making it so very difficult to hear anything but my blood whooshing through the placenta and aortic bifurcation. I tried to reassure myself that both he and I thought we heard the heartbeat and thus the baby wasn’t dead, but I couldn’t fully get behind this thought. Dr. Mama continued doggedly to listen and listen, trying to reassure me that if he didn’t get to hear the heartbeat well, he would send me for an ultrasound today. He kept at it for longer than I expected. I said lots of prayers. Then all of a sudden he stopped moving the probe and announced, “Baby!” And there was the sweetest sound I had ever heard. My little Zappy’s heart beating away. S/he sounded perfect, he said. No ultrasound needed.
I finished the rest of the visit as if I were in another galaxy. I felt calm, happy and grateful for the first time in a long time. I smiled at strangers. I had such a sense of peace.
When Mason came over tonight for our V-day celebration, all I wanted to do was just hug him. That little heartbeat truly connected me with the miracle that I am carrying, and despite all the difficulties we’ve had with his addiction, our separation, and working through all the muck, tonight I felt beautifully connected with my husband, the man I do indeed still love.
Maybe this can be a turning point for me. Maybe I can work my way from guilt to gratitude. Maybe the broken part of me can begin to heal.
Maybe…
Thank you, my friends, for all the support you give me. I don’t think I can say it enough.