Days Late And Dollars Short
Originally published at Welcome To The Dollhouse. You can comment here or there.
o it’s Monday, January 7th and I’m just getting to my resolutions. Yeah well…this could mean that I’ve already begun my new life plan but just took a little while to write it down for my peeps. Or it could just mean that I’m feeling lazy as hell and haven’t wanted to commit to any resolutions. It could also mean that I’ve been too busy playing with my sweetie to feel like typing.
OK, so you know me by now. Yeah, I was just being lazy and playing with Lover Girl.
But today since I was stuck working from home as I had to wait for the cleaning people to arrive (and yes regular cleaning people, that is a new resolution!), I’ve decided to begin my list. Here are the resolutions, in no particular order:
1. Keep the house cleaner.
That way when people come over, I don’t have to apologize for all the used bibs, unfolded laundry and cat vomit that usually greets our guests. To this end, we have arranged regular household cleaning (see above).
2. Reconnect with Luda
You all remember Luda, the evil lovely trainer who used to put me through my paces last year. Yes it all went to hell in a handbasket after Zara arrived, but now it is time to get back on the wagon. She’s had her baby and is now back in the training game. It is time for me to get busy.
3. Find an exercise partner
Yeah it would be fun to find a partner with whom to do exercise (and my sofa-surfing, sluglike husband is unfortunately not the right one of the job). But I think what I really need is an accountability partner: someone as unmotivated as I am to do regular exercise, but willing to work together to keep the routine going even when we don’t want to.
I tried to enlist my dear friend Cecily (hint, hint) but she turned me down. I’m OK once I get going, but for the first couple of months, I’d rather tweeze my pubes more than I want to get back into exercise. So if you are as unmotivated as I am, but do respond to the guilt of letting someone else down, you’d be the perfect exercise accountability partner for me.
4. Stop being a type-A exerciser
Hmm…I sense a theme here. Three resolutions involving exercise. Methinks someone is tired of looking into the mirror and seeing the fat chick.
In any event, what I mean is this…all my life, I’ve never gone at anything halfway. Whatever I do: cooking, knitting, crafts, etc., I have to go full out. I have to push boundaries and set more and more difficult goals. When I ran a mile, I had to push it to two. Two miles had to be bested by going five. And five…well you know what? Sometimes I’m just too damn tired to run 5 miles. But what do I choose then? Nothing. Yeah nothing. If I can’t run the five miles, then god forbid I just walk for 30 minutes on the treadmill. What’s the use of that?
Well, stupid brain, there is use in doing some exercise even if you aren’t killing yourself and pushing the envelope every single day. But this is how I screw myself. If I can’t do what I did last week, then fuck it. I’m not doing anything. And that’s how it’s been for the past 8 months.
My goal is to give myself permission to exercise without having to be hardcore. Hell if I had spent the past 8 months just walking on the treadmill for 30 minutes a few times a week, I would look a lot different than I do now.
5. Work on intimacy
I know that it is weird to think that someone so open about who she is has trouble with intimacy. Yet I have learned from my ages of therapy that when you grow up constantly expecting to be jettisoned from your home, you may have some difficulty learning to let people in. With me, I’m able to let people in, but just to the point where I’m comfortable and in control. If you want to talk about letting people help me, be there for me, and (worse yet) do things for me, well this sista has a real problem.
Also, as you all know, I’ve been through some rough times with AdoringHusband. Things are a lot better than they were, but I’ve still not been able to let my guard down with him. I feel myself holding myself a little distant just in case everything comes crashing down on my head all over again. According to our many therapists (his, mine and ours) that is prudent and to be expected, considering our history. Only time and AH’s continued stability will eventually allow me to trust him as my partner again. Yet we both feel that it is time for us to begin working on regaining (developing) intimacy
For me, this will mean taking some steps out of my comfort zone of complete self-reliance. I have to do better in connecting with other people and with re-connecting with my husband. I’m also being forced encouraged to do intimacy exercises from two couples’ books with our therapist.
6. Go to bed earlier
Zara goes to bed at between 8 and 9 PM and sleeps through until about 6:30. Yet her mother insists on staying up until 2 or 3 AM. Why? No good reason. Sometimes I’m reading. Sometimes I am playing on of my hidden object games. Other times I just don’t feel like sleeping…well at least until 6:30 AM rolls around.
I’m not sure what gives, but I hate going to bed. I always feel like I’m going to miss something if I do. And as a consequence of my lack of sleep, I walk around exhausted all the time. I can’t even blame it on the baby. I do this to myself. This year, something has to change.
7. Make more hats
Is there anything cuter than a baby wearing silly/colorful/fun hats? You remember that I made this one for her:
I’ve now finished two more.
The Marley hat:
The jester hat:
Clearly my child needs about 70 hats…and sweaters…and other assorted knitted garb. When I start knitting for the cats, then I’m in trouble.
So that’s it. My lucky seven resolutions. Can you help me keep them?