Entrustment Ceremony
Originally published at Welcome To The Dollhouse. You can comment here or there.
This is a tough post to write. I think I’ve started it about 50 times already. I’m so worried about not telling the story right…or not sufficiently doing it justice. I want to convey my awe. I am in utter, jaw-dropping, heart stopping awe…all because of Josie.
I know I’ve gone on about how fabulous and remarkable she is. Yet last Friday, she took my admiration and respect up exponentially to awe. I am in awe of Josie.
It began last Thursday while I was in Atlanta. I was at dinner with a particularly boisterous group of adolescent gynecologists when my phone beeped letting me know that I had missed a call. I checked the display to see who had called and started when I saw that it was Josie. I made a beeline outside, the only nearby place where the sound was at a decent decibel level for hearing. I checked the voicemail. It wasn’t labor. Josie just wanted to talk.
I felt honored that she chose to call me. I want to be as much of a support to her as I can be. She deserves that and more. So I remained outside enjoying the warm spring night and called her back.
The net of it was that she had had a hard day. The enormity of what will soon happen came down on her that Thursday. I will admit that my first thought was that she had changed her mind. With that thought part of me was sad, but most of me felt what? Calm? Concerned? No, neither of those words are right. I guess what I felt, no what I knew in my heart was that whatever Josie decided was the right path. If she had changed her mind and now planned to parent, then this was indeed the right path for all of us.
But no, Josie assured me immediately when I asked her if she was having second thoughts that she was most definitely not changing her mind. She was just having a rough day. Somehow, though, it was important for me to let her know that we will respect and honor her wishes, even if she does change her mind.
We spent a few minutes doing the “I’m not changing my mind” “But it’s OK if you do change your mind” do si do with each other. That aside, we went to the matter at hand. Josie needed a little more support.
I listened mostly, my dinner-mates momentarily forgotten. I knew that there was no “fix” to be offered. As I have come to know Josie, I realize that she, like me, has to find her own solution. We talked through a few options she had like finding a birthmother who had been through the process to talk to. I also suggested some journaling (big surprise) as I know how my writing helps me to get more grounded when life feels tumultuous. We ended the call with her having an action plan for garnering support and my promising to check back in with her the next day. I reluctantly went back into the restaurant and tried to join in with the gynocentric camaraderie.
The next day, Friday, passed in a haze of scientific presentations, and mini-meetings, aka schmoozing, my current job. Before heading out to yet another business dinner, I returned to my room to check in with Josie. To my surprise and joy, the laughter had returned to her voice. She sounded upbeat.
“I’ve got a question for you,” she began in that half-adult, half-little girl way that she has.
“Sure, what’s up?”
“Are you and AdoringHusband (OK, she didn’t say AH, she said his name, but you get my point) religious?”
By way of reply, I launched into my 3-5 minute dissertation on AdoringHusband’s process moving from atheist to spiritual agnostic and my long journey from Presbyterian to atheist to agnostic to Catholic.
“OK,” she replied simply after my long sermon was finally finished.
“Why do you ask?” I queried.
“Well,” she began hesitantly, “I wondered how you would feel about having an Entrustment Ceremony.”
“An Entrustment Ceremony,” I repeated. “What’s that?”
She went on to explain how she had found information on Entrustment Ceremonies on the web and she had been on a mission ever since. To quote from one of the websites on this topic,
The Entrustment Ceremony, perhaps the only ritual that is exclusive to adoption, is usually defined as the ritual where the parental role is transferred from the birthparents to the adoptive parents. Birthparents entrust the life of their child into the hands of the adoptive parents, often by physically placing the child in the adoptive parents arms.
As she explained this to me, I had a major oh-my-god moment. I could barely speak. I was dumbfounded that I had never heard of this ceremony. I was full of awe that Josie suggested having one and once again, I was in awe of the remarkable woman that is Josie. How can so much maturity, grace, and strength be combined in one 23 year old woman? All I know is that I am so honored to know that both the baby and Josie will be part of our lives.
The Entrustment Ceremony is generally planned by the birthparents. As this was Josie’s suggestion, I curbed my type-A, jump in and make it happen approach. I let Josie know that AdoringHusband and I would be excited to be a part of whatever ceremony she plans. I did suggest the person who married us, Elizabeth Frumin, as a possible officiant. She brought just the right amount of spirituality to our wedding ceremony, four years ago.
When I spoke to Josie on Saturday after my return from Atlanta, she let me know that she had been hard at work planning the ceremony. (I’m beginning to think that she is more type-A than I am.) She e-mailed me a draft that evening, asking me to call her back to let her know what we thought. But I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. My heart was sitting in my throat. I could barely speak. With tears in my eyes, I took the printout to AdoringHusband. He, too, was moved beyond words. It was not until Sunday that I could find words to tell her how beautiful was her creation.
Josie is deciding whether to have the ceremony in the hospital or a few days after discharge. All I can tell you is that it will be awesome, not in that surfer-dude use of the word, but in the inspiring great awe word usage.
As my late grandmother used to say, my heart is full.
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