been awhile
wow its been awhile since I've written in my old faithful livejournal. I have been writing in other formats, journalling, other blogs, etc, but I've had my LJ for so long, it's crazy to be able to go back in time and catch a bubble of a memory as I'm going through it. I haven't written anything in awhile simply because I don't want to go over the same shit I've been dealing with for years. Learning to love myself and forgive myself. I have no idea who I am anymore because I did some things that go against my principles, my vision for my life, in front of those who are closest to me. I have so much pain in my heart sometimes it is easier to ignore it than to feel it. Still caught up on Megan but jus tryin to move on and forward. It's so crazy what life will do to you and how it will change you through experiences.
in my mind I was the 'perfect child', and I could do no wrong. Everything around me was 'perfect'...(actually, I can come up with a date where I would say everything was perfect) and things all fall down, including my own understanding of my self. can I love again...do I deserve to love again...all questions burning inside me...but typical to my 'pattern' they are not really 'burning' inside me as much as I am 'consciously ignoring' the pain and pretending it isn't there.
I wanna tell all the people in my life that I love them and thanks for being there for me. I wanna tell Megan i miss her and I will always love her, she is the reason I go on every day. I'm in a competition with myself and I ain't losin.
At this point in my life I can understand what life (and the process of living) does to you. i feel beaten, defeated, downtrodden and humiliated. humbled. Two years ago, I remember crying over megan...how much i loved her and how much i missed her. now I feel like i don't even have the ability (or right) to love her like when I would say "everything I do, I do for you", I honestly meant it. but at this point in my life I am such a fuck up how or why would i say that to somebody I truly cared about. It's hard to keep the dream alive (especially after you murdered it). I will be honest and be the first person to admit I fucked up. I've been on the top of the world and I've been on the bottom. I am a gemini, and the pride comes before the fall. what I am going to do is forgive myself and move on and keep living the dream. I honestly know who I am, even if some of my actions have gone contrary to that. I am a curious, intelligent, quiet 12 year old boy that don't give a fuck jus want to be left alone do to my experiments, make money, and keep learning and growing. I am back livejournal.
-Joaquin
in my mind I was the 'perfect child', and I could do no wrong. Everything around me was 'perfect'...(actually, I can come up with a date where I would say everything was perfect) and things all fall down, including my own understanding of my self. can I love again...do I deserve to love again...all questions burning inside me...but typical to my 'pattern' they are not really 'burning' inside me as much as I am 'consciously ignoring' the pain and pretending it isn't there.
I wanna tell all the people in my life that I love them and thanks for being there for me. I wanna tell Megan i miss her and I will always love her, she is the reason I go on every day. I'm in a competition with myself and I ain't losin.
At this point in my life I can understand what life (and the process of living) does to you. i feel beaten, defeated, downtrodden and humiliated. humbled. Two years ago, I remember crying over megan...how much i loved her and how much i missed her. now I feel like i don't even have the ability (or right) to love her like when I would say "everything I do, I do for you", I honestly meant it. but at this point in my life I am such a fuck up how or why would i say that to somebody I truly cared about. It's hard to keep the dream alive (especially after you murdered it). I will be honest and be the first person to admit I fucked up. I've been on the top of the world and I've been on the bottom. I am a gemini, and the pride comes before the fall. what I am going to do is forgive myself and move on and keep living the dream. I honestly know who I am, even if some of my actions have gone contrary to that. I am a curious, intelligent, quiet 12 year old boy that don't give a fuck jus want to be left alone do to my experiments, make money, and keep learning and growing. I am back livejournal.
-Joaquin