Summertime...in the L-B-C
wow I have a lot on my mind! I keep meaning to post but my mind goes blank in front of a computer screen, I need to get a journal that I can write in and then update my LJ with what I've written. I'd like to get into the habit of writing for at least an hour a day. Hunter S. Thompson (my idol) wrote over 6 hours per day...
Anyways, whenever I stop smoking weed (or take a break) I always have the most lucid dreams...and I love it! It is almost (almost) enough for me to want to stop...Almost. My dreams get really wild after about 3 days of no weed. Last night I had some wild dreams, but I usually only remember dreams after I have first woken up (usually around 7 a.m.) and then I fall asleep for about an hour or so. I usually wake up with the dream still very real in my mind, and then I meditate which helps me to digest what I feel like I'm supposed to be getting from the dream.
So my dream last night (this morning) involved me and a baby in a mall, or something. There was a tall, slender, gorgeous white girl, and after I woke up the first time, I fell asleep and we were in her apartment in a foreign country, italy maybe. So we get to talking and we really hit it off, she has an accent that I am assuming is Swedish because she looked Swedish. the rest in my mind is pretty faded but after that I can remember being on a couch, on my knees, with her face down (both of us are fully clothed) with her legs wrapped around my waist and I am squeezing and feeling on her ass, pressing down, applying pressure to her pelvic bone with the open palm of my hand. When I was younger I used to be a breast man, and then I met *someone* and learned that the true beauty of a woman is in her hips. so me and this girl are just rolling around, and I tell her..."I want to pop your back". so I unwrap her legs from around my waist, stand up, walk around the couch, and put my hand between her shoulder blades. I tell her to relax and i push down between her shoulder blades and hear the popping of her back, something I am obsessed with because I have been getting in great shape, working on my posture, and that is a huge problem area for me. Her back cracked five or six vertebrae and there was release and relaxation in her body, and then I woke up.
Damn...I love women. I am now in pretty good shape where I feel like I am attractive to the opposite sex, which is givin me more confidence and more swagger. I have always felt like I missed out on my childhood. I remember being in Middle School and I had to wake myself up, make my breakfast, and go to school. My mom was pretty non-involved in my childhood--which i loved the independence, even at a young age. I used to feel like this forced independence was why I felt like I missed out on a lot of activities people usually do when they are younger, but I realize now that a lot of my isolation and unhappiness stemmed from the fact that I was always over weight. Well, not always, but right around 6th grade i became pretty pudgy, right until I got to 270 lbs my freshman year in college. I eventually got down to 175 or so about two years ago, and right now I'm at a pretty muscular and athletic 200 lbs. I realize now that I have always felt "socially invisible", a term I heard a few years ago. Now that I talk with women, interact with them, and straight up love them, there are a lot of feelings that are coming up inside me that I have suppressed or ignored for years. After Megan and I's relationship ended, there was a whole FLOOD of emotions that I am still sorting out...missing out on childhood, self-love and self-hate, compassion, the feeling of being alone, and the fear of it. Now that I feel sexy in my own skin, I am really embracing these feelings and taking it as a challenge to get over them. Right now I can honestly say I love my life, I love where I'm going, and I look forward to the future.
All this confidence and increase of self-esteem has really made me take a look at what I want from life and how I"m going to get it. Nothing comes easy in this world and I am ready to put in the work to get what I want, just as I have for the past 2 years getting into the best shape of my life. A big part of where I'm going includes my career, which I feel excellent about. An even bigger part of my life is...Choosing the (type of?) woman I want to eventually be with. I once heard that you should make a list of what you want, and the universe will provide it. I know most (all?) of my readers are females, I don't mean any disrespect with what I'm about to say, because all of you have provided insight for me as to what I want for my life and from my wife:
-First and foremost I would like to say that I am a firm believer in the popular phrase...You can't turn a ho into a housewife. when I have a wife I want to love her unconditionally, wholly, and dedicate myself and my life to her. To be completely honest (with my self), I could not love a woman that has been wit a bunch of dudes. I know what I'm sayin is vague, but I will know the when a woman has crossed a threshold for me. I have a rather low number of girls I have slept with...at the age of 24 I have slept with 3 women. I want a woman that has self respect even through the difficult times of life...there are so many times I wish i had an escape through a difficult time emotionally, but I survived through them and that has made me the man I am today.
-I remember being like 18 thinking life had passed me by. I told my sister that I didn't want my first love to be the other person's 3rd or 4th love, I wanted that originality of experience on both sides of the relationship. Luckily I found that with Megan, and that 11 months was the most fruitful, growing, and enjoyable time in my whole life. I want my next partner to be the woman I marry and I can honestly begin my life with. I have an idea of what a man is in my mind...an emotionally, physically strong person, and someone that can provide financially. on the flipside is what I have in my mind as a woman...someone that is emotionally strong, loving, dedicated and loyal. I want to start a family with someone who has never had kids before, loves children, and will be a good mother and loyal wife. I don't want to cut and paste a family together, or insta-family "Just add water" marry a woman with children. As I type that I find it strange because in a lot of ways I think of my step-father as a father figure more than my own, but that's just the way life is sometimes.
-I like tall women and I would like to marry someone that is taller than me 6', because six-foot tall women are the fuckin bomb!
Okay okay okay enough with the Christmas list of what I want my future wife to be, because right now I am happy with myself and happy being alone. It really took me a long time to be happy with myself after my last relationship, and I am not in a hurry to jump right back into another one. I am focused on myself, I am focused on where I'm going wit my life, and I am enjoyin' the ride. I have class in 8 minutes so I gotta roll but there is a lot more I want to write about, particularly, two books I have read recently that REALLY changed my world view and my perspectives on a lot of different ideas such as love, life, and everything. I'll post later today, PEACE!
-Joaquin
Anyways, whenever I stop smoking weed (or take a break) I always have the most lucid dreams...and I love it! It is almost (almost) enough for me to want to stop...Almost. My dreams get really wild after about 3 days of no weed. Last night I had some wild dreams, but I usually only remember dreams after I have first woken up (usually around 7 a.m.) and then I fall asleep for about an hour or so. I usually wake up with the dream still very real in my mind, and then I meditate which helps me to digest what I feel like I'm supposed to be getting from the dream.
So my dream last night (this morning) involved me and a baby in a mall, or something. There was a tall, slender, gorgeous white girl, and after I woke up the first time, I fell asleep and we were in her apartment in a foreign country, italy maybe. So we get to talking and we really hit it off, she has an accent that I am assuming is Swedish because she looked Swedish. the rest in my mind is pretty faded but after that I can remember being on a couch, on my knees, with her face down (both of us are fully clothed) with her legs wrapped around my waist and I am squeezing and feeling on her ass, pressing down, applying pressure to her pelvic bone with the open palm of my hand. When I was younger I used to be a breast man, and then I met *someone* and learned that the true beauty of a woman is in her hips. so me and this girl are just rolling around, and I tell her..."I want to pop your back". so I unwrap her legs from around my waist, stand up, walk around the couch, and put my hand between her shoulder blades. I tell her to relax and i push down between her shoulder blades and hear the popping of her back, something I am obsessed with because I have been getting in great shape, working on my posture, and that is a huge problem area for me. Her back cracked five or six vertebrae and there was release and relaxation in her body, and then I woke up.
Damn...I love women. I am now in pretty good shape where I feel like I am attractive to the opposite sex, which is givin me more confidence and more swagger. I have always felt like I missed out on my childhood. I remember being in Middle School and I had to wake myself up, make my breakfast, and go to school. My mom was pretty non-involved in my childhood--which i loved the independence, even at a young age. I used to feel like this forced independence was why I felt like I missed out on a lot of activities people usually do when they are younger, but I realize now that a lot of my isolation and unhappiness stemmed from the fact that I was always over weight. Well, not always, but right around 6th grade i became pretty pudgy, right until I got to 270 lbs my freshman year in college. I eventually got down to 175 or so about two years ago, and right now I'm at a pretty muscular and athletic 200 lbs. I realize now that I have always felt "socially invisible", a term I heard a few years ago. Now that I talk with women, interact with them, and straight up love them, there are a lot of feelings that are coming up inside me that I have suppressed or ignored for years. After Megan and I's relationship ended, there was a whole FLOOD of emotions that I am still sorting out...missing out on childhood, self-love and self-hate, compassion, the feeling of being alone, and the fear of it. Now that I feel sexy in my own skin, I am really embracing these feelings and taking it as a challenge to get over them. Right now I can honestly say I love my life, I love where I'm going, and I look forward to the future.
All this confidence and increase of self-esteem has really made me take a look at what I want from life and how I"m going to get it. Nothing comes easy in this world and I am ready to put in the work to get what I want, just as I have for the past 2 years getting into the best shape of my life. A big part of where I'm going includes my career, which I feel excellent about. An even bigger part of my life is...Choosing the (type of?) woman I want to eventually be with. I once heard that you should make a list of what you want, and the universe will provide it. I know most (all?) of my readers are females, I don't mean any disrespect with what I'm about to say, because all of you have provided insight for me as to what I want for my life and from my wife:
-First and foremost I would like to say that I am a firm believer in the popular phrase...You can't turn a ho into a housewife. when I have a wife I want to love her unconditionally, wholly, and dedicate myself and my life to her. To be completely honest (with my self), I could not love a woman that has been wit a bunch of dudes. I know what I'm sayin is vague, but I will know the when a woman has crossed a threshold for me. I have a rather low number of girls I have slept with...at the age of 24 I have slept with 3 women. I want a woman that has self respect even through the difficult times of life...there are so many times I wish i had an escape through a difficult time emotionally, but I survived through them and that has made me the man I am today.
-I remember being like 18 thinking life had passed me by. I told my sister that I didn't want my first love to be the other person's 3rd or 4th love, I wanted that originality of experience on both sides of the relationship. Luckily I found that with Megan, and that 11 months was the most fruitful, growing, and enjoyable time in my whole life. I want my next partner to be the woman I marry and I can honestly begin my life with. I have an idea of what a man is in my mind...an emotionally, physically strong person, and someone that can provide financially. on the flipside is what I have in my mind as a woman...someone that is emotionally strong, loving, dedicated and loyal. I want to start a family with someone who has never had kids before, loves children, and will be a good mother and loyal wife. I don't want to cut and paste a family together, or insta-family "Just add water" marry a woman with children. As I type that I find it strange because in a lot of ways I think of my step-father as a father figure more than my own, but that's just the way life is sometimes.
-I like tall women and I would like to marry someone that is taller than me 6', because six-foot tall women are the fuckin bomb!
Okay okay okay enough with the Christmas list of what I want my future wife to be, because right now I am happy with myself and happy being alone. It really took me a long time to be happy with myself after my last relationship, and I am not in a hurry to jump right back into another one. I am focused on myself, I am focused on where I'm going wit my life, and I am enjoyin' the ride. I have class in 8 minutes so I gotta roll but there is a lot more I want to write about, particularly, two books I have read recently that REALLY changed my world view and my perspectives on a lot of different ideas such as love, life, and everything. I'll post later today, PEACE!
-Joaquin