LJ Idol Topic 2
Writing is my uphill battle. Especially since it’s the one thing I want to do more than anything else. My insecurity and self-doubt plague me as I struggle to find my inner muse and war with my inner critic. I war with myself over story ideas and whether or not its worthy of entering. I spent most of my childhood being told how worthless I was and how my imagination was an abomination and of the devil. Somehow I am twenty-six and these thoughts that were drilled into my head as a child still seem to run rampant though me despite my running as far away from that world and the horrors it gave me. My panic attacks give way to procrastination while my self-doubt feeds my excuses for why I can’t write today. I find myself scrambling for inspiration as if my muse has taken a vacation or worse run away to join a monastery. I find my thoughts plagued by uncertainty especially as November come around and I face the fact that I have decided to do both Nanorimo and LJidol. I question my decision daily, wondering if with my job, kids, and hubby I have once again bitten off more than I can chew. Even now as I struggle with the week’s topic, I am plagued by my own insecurities. The voices in my head that reaffirm my fears that no one will like my writing and I am wasting my time. But still there’s a small thought that maybe I can do this. Maybe the uphill battle will be worth it and so I try again. I sit in front of my computer, face the blank entry and try again. For in all honesty my “uphill both ways barefoot in the snow” really is all in my head and I face it everyday. I admire those that can churn out amazing entries on the first page putting themselves out there and I realize that if they can do it then so can I. I can do this even if it make me uncomfortable or scared because at the end of the day I respect myself that much more for trying.