"You're Weird"
Don't you wish you can turn back time... even by a fraction of a minute?
I can't believe he found out.
It was the night when my green-eyed friend came over to my house to sleep over. He brought his laptop with him so we could share files (he wanted me to watch the TV show Grey's Anatomy), so I gave him access to my network. My hard drive was shared and he managed to sneak out a text file - it was the file where I copied and pasted that short article (from an Austrailian magazine) summarizing this journal.
He said he only managed to read about 3 lines when he told me about it.
I was right beside him when he first discovered that file. I wanted to immediately delete that entire folder, but I have a lot of important stuff in there.
I acted dumb at first, pretending I have no clue what he was talking about.
"Ahh, now everything makes sense. I guess my first assumption is true afterall. This explains a lot of things like that time you really hated Joanne."
I tried to pretend to be too busy to listen to him - setting up his GameCube while humming a tune aloud.
It didn't take long for the awkwardness to creep in the environment. And I expected him to have a negative reaction to it, i.e, packing everything up and leaving my house in disgust, probably call me hateful names, never to speak to me ever again, etc.
But then he said, "I'm okay with it. I don't care."
I didn't believe him at first but he had a good point when he said I would've noticed it already if he wasn't okay with it.
The sad part is that he only knows the "theme" of this journal and not the details.
I say it's sad because he doesn't know the full story behind it - how I've changed compared to myself when I started this journal.
And the fact that I don't think that way as much anymore.
Actually... the thought of thinking guys that way haven't crossed my mind in a long time.
I'm actually starting to believe that this whole "confusion" thing is a phase.
I actually told him that. "You don't understand... it's a phase. It was three years ago!" I explained while I had my face burried deep into my pillow.
His reply was somewhere along the line of, "That's an interesting phase you're in, buddy."
I don't have an accurate memory of that time we had those talks, because I just wanted to block everything out.... the fact that he found out about his journal made me want to reject reality.
I was mentally screaming in my head, "this is not happening!"
I asked him how much he knows, but he wouldn't tell me. "What you don't know can't hurt you," was his excuse.
"Fine. If you don't believe I know... there will be one day you'll finally tell me and I'll go, 'Yeah I already knew that'," he said. I was hiding under my blanket by that time.
I brought down blankets and pillows down to my living room. He would rather sleep in the living room. I think it's because of the TV (so we could play video games all night).
He must've realized what I was doing so he told me, "You're weird. I said I was fine with it. Fine... do you just want to forget that this ever happened - me finding it out?"
I gave a nod under my blanket and he said, "Ok.. fine. We'll never speak of this ever again in 3, 2, 1."
Throughout the entire night, he would say, "You're weird" time to time to me. And I kept on thinking he was saying that because he discovered that "other side" of me.
We played Resident Evil until 7:30am.
Then we woke up at 11am and had brunch.
In his laptop, he created a program that prints out a line that would say my name followed by "... sucks the big one."
He left at 3pm. We didn't do our usual goodbye [for we will not see each other until April]. Then again, I also didn't do that usual goodbye with that other close friend of ours. I can't help but wonder if he ever changed his perspective on me. He said nothing changed, but he could be just saying that.
I wonder if he knows he's one of the main reasons I'm realizing this whole confusion thing is just a phase?
IS IT just a phase?
I'm still uncertain.
But the guy talks that we often have makes me think "straight".
Oh god, I really hope he didn't catch the URL in that text file!
I wouldn't be surprised if he stopped talking to me the way he used to talk to me before he found out.
I can't believe he found out.
It was the night when my green-eyed friend came over to my house to sleep over. He brought his laptop with him so we could share files (he wanted me to watch the TV show Grey's Anatomy), so I gave him access to my network. My hard drive was shared and he managed to sneak out a text file - it was the file where I copied and pasted that short article (from an Austrailian magazine) summarizing this journal.
He said he only managed to read about 3 lines when he told me about it.
I was right beside him when he first discovered that file. I wanted to immediately delete that entire folder, but I have a lot of important stuff in there.
I acted dumb at first, pretending I have no clue what he was talking about.
"Ahh, now everything makes sense. I guess my first assumption is true afterall. This explains a lot of things like that time you really hated Joanne."
I tried to pretend to be too busy to listen to him - setting up his GameCube while humming a tune aloud.
It didn't take long for the awkwardness to creep in the environment. And I expected him to have a negative reaction to it, i.e, packing everything up and leaving my house in disgust, probably call me hateful names, never to speak to me ever again, etc.
But then he said, "I'm okay with it. I don't care."
I didn't believe him at first but he had a good point when he said I would've noticed it already if he wasn't okay with it.
The sad part is that he only knows the "theme" of this journal and not the details.
I say it's sad because he doesn't know the full story behind it - how I've changed compared to myself when I started this journal.
And the fact that I don't think that way as much anymore.
Actually... the thought of thinking guys that way haven't crossed my mind in a long time.
I'm actually starting to believe that this whole "confusion" thing is a phase.
I actually told him that. "You don't understand... it's a phase. It was three years ago!" I explained while I had my face burried deep into my pillow.
His reply was somewhere along the line of, "That's an interesting phase you're in, buddy."
I don't have an accurate memory of that time we had those talks, because I just wanted to block everything out.... the fact that he found out about his journal made me want to reject reality.
I was mentally screaming in my head, "this is not happening!"
I asked him how much he knows, but he wouldn't tell me. "What you don't know can't hurt you," was his excuse.
"Fine. If you don't believe I know... there will be one day you'll finally tell me and I'll go, 'Yeah I already knew that'," he said. I was hiding under my blanket by that time.
I brought down blankets and pillows down to my living room. He would rather sleep in the living room. I think it's because of the TV (so we could play video games all night).
He must've realized what I was doing so he told me, "You're weird. I said I was fine with it. Fine... do you just want to forget that this ever happened - me finding it out?"
I gave a nod under my blanket and he said, "Ok.. fine. We'll never speak of this ever again in 3, 2, 1."
Throughout the entire night, he would say, "You're weird" time to time to me. And I kept on thinking he was saying that because he discovered that "other side" of me.
We played Resident Evil until 7:30am.
Then we woke up at 11am and had brunch.
In his laptop, he created a program that prints out a line that would say my name followed by "... sucks the big one."
He left at 3pm. We didn't do our usual goodbye [for we will not see each other until April]. Then again, I also didn't do that usual goodbye with that other close friend of ours. I can't help but wonder if he ever changed his perspective on me. He said nothing changed, but he could be just saying that.
I wonder if he knows he's one of the main reasons I'm realizing this whole confusion thing is just a phase?
IS IT just a phase?
I'm still uncertain.
But the guy talks that we often have makes me think "straight".
Oh god, I really hope he didn't catch the URL in that text file!
I wouldn't be surprised if he stopped talking to me the way he used to talk to me before he found out.