Opening Up
Something I wrote in the subway train:
Friday Jan. 13, 2005 4:08pm
Monday was the first day of semester 2. I was really excited to go that I hardly got any sleep the night before. I guess I kept telling myself that a new semester = new classes = new people to meet and become friends with. Laying down on my bed trying to lseep, an interesting thought came to me: a guy befriends me and invites me over to his dorm room. We were talking like normal friends, then all of the sudden he kisses me. I didn't back off and just went along with the kiss. Then I pictured meeting up with him during my breaks and make out in his room ^^" The thought of finally finding someone (regardless the gender) made me so excited (happy excited - not horny excited) that it became harder for me to sleep.
I only had 3 classes on Mondays. I didn't get to talk to anybody because I didn't really got the chance to.
Tuesday - I acted the usual way: quiet. I thought I could act like how I act towards my closest friends - slightly more talktative, likes to say and hear jokes, etc. My green-eyed friend said if only I act the way I act around him, he wouldn't be surprised if I become friends with at least a dozen people in the first week of school. A nice thought, but I don't think I'm anywhere close to that by the way I'm acting right now. Before going to school in the morning, I would be excited to talk to my schoolmates, but in class and in campus my confidence and my will to talk hits rock bottom. It feels like my mouth is so tired that I don't have the energy to even open it.
Wednesday was when I found out my ex-girlfriend (that goes to a different school, but is within walking distance from my school) is going to apply to the University of Waterloo. We'd meet up for lunch on an average of once per two weeks. This ex of mine was actually my recent and first girlfriend. We were in an on and off relationship, then I finally decided to end it because I can't go out with anybody until I resolve my question of my sexuality. She insists I apply so we could both transfer schools... that made me think a lot: Should I apply and change my major? If I do go to University of Waterloo, I would only be able to apply for honours science (or anything related to science minus the biology). Then I realized that I don't really have a choice. I can't apply even if I wanted to. I just won't be able to do it financially (I have to pay for all of my expenses and moving there would need me to quit my part time job) and academically. -_- My high school marks are not the greatest, and my current GPA for my first year is not good.
I felt sad that the only person I hang out with during my free time is leaving next year. I don't have any friends in my school. It's not that I tried and failed.. it's more like I just don't feel like making new friends right now.
Thursday - I was online late at night chatting with my green-eyed friend. Then he immediately found out something was bothering me, "On Monday you were happy like a bee. What happened? You're acting weird. What's wrong? Common you can tell me, buddy."
But telling him would require me to tell him this Livejournal address. And I would rather die than let him read this journal! I wanted to leave the conversation. He was being a good friend but I can't completely answer his question. He knows this blog's existance, but he believes that it's about me having feelings for our female friend (which is impossible to happen! I see her as my sister). He asked if we were to go skiing at this moment would I spontaneously go back to normal.. and i had to say no to that. [i guess skiing symbolizes the good times we had back in the winter break]I had a feeling he wouldn't stop until he got something:
Me: well... when you and < our-female-friend > left.. i thought it was cool and all (cuz i can go, "i have firends studying outside the city XD - and be proud of u guys and stuff), but obviously a part of me is extremely sad cuz i guess.. i got attached to you guys so that was back in september. Now that I found out the only person i hang out with (< my-ex-girlfriend >) is also going away to waterloo, it just feels like everybody's moving out and i'm the only one left alone here. i know it might be awk that i hang out with ppl from other schools, but she's the only one i know that's in the area. and on the day i found out she actually applied and everything, i guess all of my emotions supressed since aug/sept were... released. So you see.. it's like me going back to my old september self. The time I closed up to others because -- actually, i don't even know the reason to that (honestly). I don't want to be the one who closes the door on new friendships. And when you said i should just act myself - i really did try to act myself. But whenever i'm in school i just can't do it.
Him: that doesn't explain no skiing
Me: ehh you can connect the dots.. oh.. yeah.. nvm.. ur missing one more dot
Him: so give me it
Me: i just doubted myself as a student... blah blah blah.. tests: someone's in probation, the other got kicked out (we're all in the same program)... blah blah blah.. all in all i felt stupid and i was somewhat "pressued" to stick to my program
Him: ohh. so what r u going to do now
Me: stick to it unless i get kicked out
Him: you could probably get into waterloo if you put all your efforts
Me: nah.. i thought about it all night (hardly got any sleep) and waterloo's not for me
Him: justify
Me: two major reasons i wanna go there are: 1. because you guys are ALL there 2. i want to experience what it's like to live in residence. i mean. this is the only time we could do such thing
Him: yeah
Me: o well, i missed the boat. but i'm happy with what I have now
Him: so what could possibly override that?
Me: well it's alright now. I think i solved it *nods* so waterloo's not for me
Him: that offers no explaination to why it's not for you. it was your dream school. but ok
Me: O_O how'd you.. o.. i must have told ya. it was my dream school in junior high.. haha "Computer Programming in Waterloo" but technically that wasn't a solid dream... just something i had to pick out for the sake of answering a friend's question.
Him: suit yourself
Me: yep. dots connected? alright later
Him: bye
That was actually my last conversation with him. I haven't had contact with him since then. I go online time to time, and check if he's online. Unfortunately he's either in away mode or offline which is weird because he would still message me even if he's in away mode and he's hardly ever offline.
On my Friday nigh work shift, I told this all to my co-worker.
I don't exactly know why I did it.. but it felt like I could trust her. And if things go wrong it wouldn't make such a big impact because she's not that close to me. This female co-worker of mine is in her early 30s, so she knows a lot about life in general.
I started from the very beginning. From the time I had my first girlfriend up until now. I told her how I supressed those gay feelings I would get. Oh yeah, she's also the one that encourages me to go out with this girl (our other co-worker) so in the end of my very long life story I said, "So you see.. that's why I can never go out with anybody until I know my sexual orientation."
She wasn't surprised that I had gay tendencies because it was her that told me that a lot of my fellow co-workers that already thinks I'm gay T_T
She was enraged when I told her about my female best-friend and how she exposed me to slash gay fictions and the time when she forced me to tell my male best-friend I had feelings for him (this was like 5 years ago).
Then she completely lost it when she found out it was my dear friend nushrath. A few months ago I asked my co-worker to call Nusrhath for me (because boys are not allowed to call her) and they got to know each other. My co-worker really liked Nushrath. She thought she was a sweet girl.
The way my co-worker interpreted how Nushrath treats me was very harsh! I don't know.. maybe she was speaking the truth. But througout the entire time I was sticking up for Nushrath. Even though my co-worker kept on telling me how I was used as her guinea pig and whatnot I denied it and tried to come up with a good explaination. But in the end, my counter-arguments didn't get to her and she just concluded that I should just move on with my life.
I told my co-worker this so she could help me out with the big question: Am I gay or is this just a phase?
"For the past year I've been telling myself that this is all just a phase. I mean, I had girlfriends and I really liked girls back then... But then again... I did enjoy reading those slash fics. I stopped and tried to get back to the 'normal' stuff. I'm still uncertain, and I don't want to be old, married, and have children and THEN find out I am gay. I would never want that to happen."
She agreed that this may be a phase.. but a hard phase to get out of.
"Honestly, I personally don't want you to be gay. You're a nice person, and I would want you to have children. But... if you're gay.. then you're gay. And there's nothing you can do about that," she said.
Then we talked about how my life would be different if I was to come out of the closet. "Think about your parents. Just imagine how they would feel."
So I guess for the sake of my parents (and my closets friends like my green-eyed friend who would think of me differently if he found out I am gay) I would have to try hard not think of such gay-related things. But it was weird how on that same day I saw a lot of gay people walking around the streets. One time there were these two adult men holding hands while walking down the busy street of downtown - and they look so happy together.
"Would you fuck a guy just to find out if you're gay or not?" she asked me.
I said "no" even though in my head I said, 'If it will tell me answer to my sexuality'. I said no because of how she asked the question... it sounded as if she was digusted by the thought.
If that was the "procedure" to find out one's sexuality.. I'm up for it, but that's not likely to happen. Hah! I can't even make friends!
Whenever I ask my co-worker about the topic of being gay.. she would always lead it to Nushrath. I guess she believes that it was Nushrath's manipulative ways back in my young teenage years that affected me to think about guys like this. I guess she's blaming Nushrath? To contradict my co-worker I told her how maybe it's just because I never had a guy friend back then (exception of one (male best friend) - the one I told I had feelings for), and my father and I never spend a lot of time together. I read at this site specially for sexually confused guys, and it gave me a lot of factors why I would feel gay even though I'm really not.
Isn't it bad to supress emotions?
I find myself crying over simple things. For example:
"She told me to send her shoes for her daughter's wedding, but she later on found out she was never invited."
Normally, I would just say "awww" and feel for her (my aunt actually), but I was barely able to say "aww" and started to get teary.
Why am I crying over something like that?!
Oh and I get teary in movies that I wouldn't get teary if I watched it a few months back!
I find these two songs to be a good combination of how I've been feeling for the last few days:
Relient K - Who I Am Hates Who I've Been
My Chemical Romance - I'm Not Okay
Nowadays I've been listening to a lot of The Ataris and also Lifehouse -_-
So until I find my answer, I won't be able to do anything with my love life.
"It is sad not to love, but it is much sadder not to be able to love"
Friday Jan. 13, 2005 4:08pm
Monday was the first day of semester 2. I was really excited to go that I hardly got any sleep the night before. I guess I kept telling myself that a new semester = new classes = new people to meet and become friends with. Laying down on my bed trying to lseep, an interesting thought came to me: a guy befriends me and invites me over to his dorm room. We were talking like normal friends, then all of the sudden he kisses me. I didn't back off and just went along with the kiss. Then I pictured meeting up with him during my breaks and make out in his room ^^" The thought of finally finding someone (regardless the gender) made me so excited (happy excited - not horny excited) that it became harder for me to sleep.
I only had 3 classes on Mondays. I didn't get to talk to anybody because I didn't really got the chance to.
Tuesday - I acted the usual way: quiet. I thought I could act like how I act towards my closest friends - slightly more talktative, likes to say and hear jokes, etc. My green-eyed friend said if only I act the way I act around him, he wouldn't be surprised if I become friends with at least a dozen people in the first week of school. A nice thought, but I don't think I'm anywhere close to that by the way I'm acting right now. Before going to school in the morning, I would be excited to talk to my schoolmates, but in class and in campus my confidence and my will to talk hits rock bottom. It feels like my mouth is so tired that I don't have the energy to even open it.
Wednesday was when I found out my ex-girlfriend (that goes to a different school, but is within walking distance from my school) is going to apply to the University of Waterloo. We'd meet up for lunch on an average of once per two weeks. This ex of mine was actually my recent and first girlfriend. We were in an on and off relationship, then I finally decided to end it because I can't go out with anybody until I resolve my question of my sexuality. She insists I apply so we could both transfer schools... that made me think a lot: Should I apply and change my major? If I do go to University of Waterloo, I would only be able to apply for honours science (or anything related to science minus the biology). Then I realized that I don't really have a choice. I can't apply even if I wanted to. I just won't be able to do it financially (I have to pay for all of my expenses and moving there would need me to quit my part time job) and academically. -_- My high school marks are not the greatest, and my current GPA for my first year is not good.
I felt sad that the only person I hang out with during my free time is leaving next year. I don't have any friends in my school. It's not that I tried and failed.. it's more like I just don't feel like making new friends right now.
Thursday - I was online late at night chatting with my green-eyed friend. Then he immediately found out something was bothering me, "On Monday you were happy like a bee. What happened? You're acting weird. What's wrong? Common you can tell me, buddy."
But telling him would require me to tell him this Livejournal address. And I would rather die than let him read this journal! I wanted to leave the conversation. He was being a good friend but I can't completely answer his question. He knows this blog's existance, but he believes that it's about me having feelings for our female friend (which is impossible to happen! I see her as my sister). He asked if we were to go skiing at this moment would I spontaneously go back to normal.. and i had to say no to that. [i guess skiing symbolizes the good times we had back in the winter break]I had a feeling he wouldn't stop until he got something:
Me: well... when you and < our-female-friend > left.. i thought it was cool and all (cuz i can go, "i have firends studying outside the city XD - and be proud of u guys and stuff), but obviously a part of me is extremely sad cuz i guess.. i got attached to you guys so that was back in september. Now that I found out the only person i hang out with (< my-ex-girlfriend >) is also going away to waterloo, it just feels like everybody's moving out and i'm the only one left alone here. i know it might be awk that i hang out with ppl from other schools, but she's the only one i know that's in the area. and on the day i found out she actually applied and everything, i guess all of my emotions supressed since aug/sept were... released. So you see.. it's like me going back to my old september self. The time I closed up to others because -- actually, i don't even know the reason to that (honestly). I don't want to be the one who closes the door on new friendships. And when you said i should just act myself - i really did try to act myself. But whenever i'm in school i just can't do it.
Him: that doesn't explain no skiing
Me: ehh you can connect the dots.. oh.. yeah.. nvm.. ur missing one more dot
Him: so give me it
Me: i just doubted myself as a student... blah blah blah.. tests: someone's in probation, the other got kicked out (we're all in the same program)... blah blah blah.. all in all i felt stupid and i was somewhat "pressued" to stick to my program
Him: ohh. so what r u going to do now
Me: stick to it unless i get kicked out
Him: you could probably get into waterloo if you put all your efforts
Me: nah.. i thought about it all night (hardly got any sleep) and waterloo's not for me
Him: justify
Me: two major reasons i wanna go there are: 1. because you guys are ALL there 2. i want to experience what it's like to live in residence. i mean. this is the only time we could do such thing
Him: yeah
Me: o well, i missed the boat. but i'm happy with what I have now
Him: so what could possibly override that?
Me: well it's alright now. I think i solved it *nods* so waterloo's not for me
Him: that offers no explaination to why it's not for you. it was your dream school. but ok
Me: O_O how'd you.. o.. i must have told ya. it was my dream school in junior high.. haha "Computer Programming in Waterloo" but technically that wasn't a solid dream... just something i had to pick out for the sake of answering a friend's question.
Him: suit yourself
Me: yep. dots connected? alright later
Him: bye
That was actually my last conversation with him. I haven't had contact with him since then. I go online time to time, and check if he's online. Unfortunately he's either in away mode or offline which is weird because he would still message me even if he's in away mode and he's hardly ever offline.
On my Friday nigh work shift, I told this all to my co-worker.
I don't exactly know why I did it.. but it felt like I could trust her. And if things go wrong it wouldn't make such a big impact because she's not that close to me. This female co-worker of mine is in her early 30s, so she knows a lot about life in general.
I started from the very beginning. From the time I had my first girlfriend up until now. I told her how I supressed those gay feelings I would get. Oh yeah, she's also the one that encourages me to go out with this girl (our other co-worker) so in the end of my very long life story I said, "So you see.. that's why I can never go out with anybody until I know my sexual orientation."
She wasn't surprised that I had gay tendencies because it was her that told me that a lot of my fellow co-workers that already thinks I'm gay T_T
She was enraged when I told her about my female best-friend and how she exposed me to slash gay fictions and the time when she forced me to tell my male best-friend I had feelings for him (this was like 5 years ago).
Then she completely lost it when she found out it was my dear friend nushrath. A few months ago I asked my co-worker to call Nusrhath for me (because boys are not allowed to call her) and they got to know each other. My co-worker really liked Nushrath. She thought she was a sweet girl.
The way my co-worker interpreted how Nushrath treats me was very harsh! I don't know.. maybe she was speaking the truth. But througout the entire time I was sticking up for Nushrath. Even though my co-worker kept on telling me how I was used as her guinea pig and whatnot I denied it and tried to come up with a good explaination. But in the end, my counter-arguments didn't get to her and she just concluded that I should just move on with my life.
I told my co-worker this so she could help me out with the big question: Am I gay or is this just a phase?
"For the past year I've been telling myself that this is all just a phase. I mean, I had girlfriends and I really liked girls back then... But then again... I did enjoy reading those slash fics. I stopped and tried to get back to the 'normal' stuff. I'm still uncertain, and I don't want to be old, married, and have children and THEN find out I am gay. I would never want that to happen."
She agreed that this may be a phase.. but a hard phase to get out of.
"Honestly, I personally don't want you to be gay. You're a nice person, and I would want you to have children. But... if you're gay.. then you're gay. And there's nothing you can do about that," she said.
Then we talked about how my life would be different if I was to come out of the closet. "Think about your parents. Just imagine how they would feel."
So I guess for the sake of my parents (and my closets friends like my green-eyed friend who would think of me differently if he found out I am gay) I would have to try hard not think of such gay-related things. But it was weird how on that same day I saw a lot of gay people walking around the streets. One time there were these two adult men holding hands while walking down the busy street of downtown - and they look so happy together.
"Would you fuck a guy just to find out if you're gay or not?" she asked me.
I said "no" even though in my head I said, 'If it will tell me answer to my sexuality'. I said no because of how she asked the question... it sounded as if she was digusted by the thought.
If that was the "procedure" to find out one's sexuality.. I'm up for it, but that's not likely to happen. Hah! I can't even make friends!
Whenever I ask my co-worker about the topic of being gay.. she would always lead it to Nushrath. I guess she believes that it was Nushrath's manipulative ways back in my young teenage years that affected me to think about guys like this. I guess she's blaming Nushrath? To contradict my co-worker I told her how maybe it's just because I never had a guy friend back then (exception of one (male best friend) - the one I told I had feelings for), and my father and I never spend a lot of time together. I read at this site specially for sexually confused guys, and it gave me a lot of factors why I would feel gay even though I'm really not.
Isn't it bad to supress emotions?
I find myself crying over simple things. For example:
"She told me to send her shoes for her daughter's wedding, but she later on found out she was never invited."
Normally, I would just say "awww" and feel for her (my aunt actually), but I was barely able to say "aww" and started to get teary.
Why am I crying over something like that?!
Oh and I get teary in movies that I wouldn't get teary if I watched it a few months back!
I find these two songs to be a good combination of how I've been feeling for the last few days:
Relient K - Who I Am Hates Who I've Been
My Chemical Romance - I'm Not Okay
Nowadays I've been listening to a lot of The Ataris and also Lifehouse -_-
So until I find my answer, I won't be able to do anything with my love life.
"It is sad not to love, but it is much sadder not to be able to love"