Because I enjoy musing
Yeah, don't read this if my whining gets to you, and I apologise for cluttering your friend pages :P
I've been fat all my life.
That's not an exaggeration. Ever since I was a few months old and mum figured out I was allergic to her breast milk and got me on soy, I've been the approximate size and weight of a killer whale of my equivalent age.
There was one time, when I was about five, that I was sort of the upper end of normal. I of course don't really remember it. As far as I've known I've always been the fat kid. The one the kids in primary school would laugh at and the one that girls in high school would compare themselves to in order to feel better about themselves. And the one the boys in high school never gave a second glance.
Not that, most of the time, I would really have wanted them to.
It is interesting, in a way, being the fat one. It's interesting to me anyway, because in a bizarre way, just like my Australian-ness, my Japanese, my Agnosticism and my firm belief that Draco and Hermione should not be in the same room if Draco isn't taking Hermione from behind, being fat has almost become a part of me. It would definitely be one of the things that people, however subconsciously, associate me with. It's the main thing about me that my parents disapprove of. And, above everything else, it's my excuse.
Excuse, you ask? But being fat isn't a reason to get out of PE class. No no, that's not entirely what I mean. Being fat is the reason why I haven't achieved so much of what I've wanted to achieve so far in this life.
For many years, for instance, I've wanted to learn how to dance. I love dancing and since I'm into acting it would be a very useful skill to have. I'm also not a complete dunce when it comes to dancing. I did Kung Fu for years and I can move with relative precision and grace. However, people that dance are three things in particular: they're confident, they're beautiful, and they're thin. Confidence, I can fake (I can act, after all). Beauty, well, I can do that to an extent. Make-up really can do wonders. But I cannot fake thin, no matter how hard I try. Therefore, I can't learn how to dance.
I'm a huge lover of fashion, and have been for some time. beautiful dresses, short skirts, shoes, shirts, belts, bangles, earrings, shorts... I love it all. If I had millions and millions of dollars I would spend a great proportion of it on clothes. Or I would, if I could somehow twist, bend and squeeze my enormous frame into ANY of the gorgeous clothes I see in half of the shops at Meadowhall. Thus, if you see me around uni I will be in some combination of baggy shirts, jeans with holes in them, tracksuit pants, sneakers, un-made-up face and unbrushed hair (well if the rest of me looks crap why bother with the face?). In short, because I'm fat, I'm not fashionable.
The one that gets me down the most though, as many people know, is my trouble with boys. Ever since my mind could compute such thoughts, I've loved the idea of having a boyfriend. Not because it's cool, or because it's what everybody else has (well that's kind of part of it, but not the main part). I love the idea because it would be like... there would always be somebody there for me. Somebody who would rather be with me than anybody else in the world. Somebody who, despite those things about me that aren't good, like that I'm not religious and I'm sarcastic and all of that, enjoys my company. Somebody to be my best friend, my lover, my main companion. And somebody who I can be all of that for as well.
But that, of course, will never happen. Ever. I know I've said it before and I will say it again, but someday I will come to terms with it and figure something out. But for now I need to say why it won't happen. Because everybody judges everybody by their covers, and those covers are hard to open. I can cover up virtually every horrible thing about me. I can hide my accent. I can not mention religion. I can not make a sarcastic comment. I can do all of that. But when somebody new first sees me, they see fat. And every time after that, they continue to see fat. And fat cannot be ignored, because it's always there. Why would anybody want me to be their other, when there are so many thin girls, girls who also don't have those other horrible character traits, to choose from?
I hate it more than I hate anything else about me. It's my number one curse, and I wouldn't wish the pain, the disadvantages, the knowledge that statistically you will die 20 years before a thin person of your age, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But I can't deny that it's taught me a lot about people, particularly about how everybody stereotypes; some are just more obvious about it.
Say I lost it. Say it went away. Say I could say what I've longed to be able to say all of my life - those wonderful words that are so easy for most people that they don't realise how lucky they are to say them: I am thin. And then, suddenly, I joined a hip-hop class, I bought a size 10 dress from Monsoon, and a bloke from SUWO asked me if I wanted to have a coffee with him sometime.
Well, then I'd be able to say "I told you so"/