It's reminiscing time!!!!!!!
No really.
Old entries, and all that they mean.
Honestly though, it's worth reading. Want a view into my life? Voila.
For example....
"I just sat there for about an hour, thinking about a whole bunch of shit. And even if I didn't have shit to think about, earlier my mom called me while she was drunk and just talked my ear off, and told me a few of the reasons she and my dad got a divorce, and the week it happened. It was a nice way to partly ruin my evening. If you wanna know, ask. I'm not going into it on lj. So I thought about that. I thought about the friendships I have, and if they are really as strong as I think. I thought about how I'm growing up way faster than I should, and how someone ripped my youth away from me. I thought about how I'm doing pretty decently with this whole life thing. And finally, I thought about how much it sucks having to do dishes. **shudders** You have no idea how much I hate dishes. We need a new dishwasher."
"But I did decide that in most instances of everything, life goes on. Like if I stay lonely forever, life goes on. If George W. Bush gets "re"elected, life will go on. If I find my soulmate tomorrow and move to Timbuktu, life will go on. And nothing is that big of a deal. Seriously, people need to re-evaluate themselves if they think something fairly insignificant in the grand scheme of things is going to fuck up their life. I always hear that teenagers have a hard time understanding that what happens now is not that crucial, and that there is a whole new life outside of adolesence. But it's true. I mean, think about when you were younger. You probably had no idea you'd end up where you are, you probably figured you'd still be having sleepovers at your best friends house. And now, maybe you don't even talk to them anymore. But you never would've thought it. It's the same now. In 10 years, you could be the next Picasso. You could be the Elvis of our day. You could be on your way to be the JFK of our day. You could be a modern day Martin Luther King Jr.
Power outages make my life the best. I kinda wish I had someone there, but it was just as good being able to really think about things."
"God I hate my life. I actually have a good time, and God thinks, "oh, a challenge". I swear to God(Bob?), next thing you know, it'll be locusts and frogs. Fucking plagues."
"I'm all for vegetables, for example all day I've been in the mood for a salad and some potato salad, but wrapping a burger in lettuce? Now that's some crazy talk. Use a fuckin low-carb mold bun for christs sake!!!!"
"People who suck at life should just go ahead and die...[I mean they suck at life...so it makes sense, right?]
These kind of people would be people who:
A. Start senseless rumours because they have nothing better to do with their pathetic lives.
B. Egg peoples cars
C. Think they are good in bed [because thats definetley not what everyone else has heard]
D. Waste their life [sitting in front of a TV watching the WB does not count in this situation-because the WB is awesome and not a life wasting type thing].
E. Think they are better than me. They arent. That was not a cocky statement. Im just saying no one is better than anyone else. Unless of course they are Regan, Maddy, Nan and the other Morgan. Because those people just rock ass.
F. Try to 'steal' other people boyfriends. Dude, thats lame. And Im not going through that, I just know people who are.
G. People that tell you one thing one day, then change their stories, and get pissy when you call them on it."
"And right now I'm thinking about shit. Like, I go through so much shit. And I'm not trying to be like I'm better than anyone, but I go through a lot. I think I'm becoming my mom's best friend. And while that can be good, it's an awkward position for me. I'm a good kid and stuff, so I don't give her much grief. But she tells me a lot of her problems, and of course I'm going to listen. This started with her whole suicide thing. And now she does drunk'n'dial's, and tells me things that I never thought I'd know. Again, I'm going to be there for her, but it's weird learning these things that have the power to completely change my views about people. And now I know some things, and I talk to people that this will directly affect, but I don't feel right telling them. I hold back on possibly vital information, because I am in such an awkward position of being friends with parents."
"And this talk of drinking makes me kinda want to go sXe. But I won't. Even if I never touch drugs or alcohol again, I will never be sXe. Fuck that."
And a looooooooooooooooooong list. Some still relevant, some not.
Still here in it's full glory.
Things I hate:
-you.
-christmas.
-those stupid people that ring bells outside of target wanting my money.
-veterans that want my money.
-cashiers that make fun of me for buying macaroni salad and ice cream. and i'm not even raggin it!
-raggin it. more than life itself.
-being ignored.
-being stood up.
-not seeing river city rebels.
-wanting to be beautiful but knowing i'm barely average.
-being forgettable.
-knowing the only person i can talk to is a rock star.
-getting left behind.
-having a full tank of gas, but nowhere to go, nothing to do, and no one to be with me.
-sleeping by myself.
-knowing this is probably my last weekend alone.
-but yet, my first.
-family.
-my english class.
-not being able to keep a friendship to save my life.
-the movie "the polar express"
-knowing that for the first time in years, i am completely alone.
-the fact that i'll get older than 17
-that i am a failure at life.
-that the only thing i'm looking forward to is river city rebels coming here.
-and the fact that once they leave i don't know where i'll be.
-crying at the docks by myself.
-not having more river city rebels cds.
-knowing that even though julie was happier than she's been, i managed to ruin that.
-knowing that if i didn't ruin that, my life would be 746371865783 times worse.
-remembering all the good times with everyone.
-missing a real best friend.
-knowing that we don't have any money anymore.
-knowing that my mom spent my college money on god knows what.
-finding out even though my mom cancelled christmas, we still have to pretend to have one.
-having a 7 year old sister. and she hasn't even moved in yet.
-backstabbing cunts.
-realizing i can't play ps2 because of brodre.
-"everything reminds me of you"
-knowing that even though i feel really alone right now, i'll still be alone in the morning. probably even more so.
-suicide.
-alcohol being illegal for me.
-wanting the simplest things, and having no hope to get it.
-anytime anything good happens, something is right around the corner to bring it all crashing down. every. fucking. time.
-breaking up. because with me, there are no second chances.
-feeling beautiful, and having julie bring me down.
-feeling good about something, and having julie try to bring me down.
-the words slut, whore, floozy, tramp, toot, skank, ho, etc etc.
-the fact that most people are selfish assholes.
-"4 more years"
-not being good enough for anyone. especially those that matter[ed] to me.
-crying.
-the fact i can't write a good song.
-"you said you'd call, i should've known. i waited all day by the phone. a mistake, like you."
-"i should've been aborted"
-self righteous boyfriends that think they help.
-"friends" that "care"
-cold nachos.
-forgetting to eat a delicious quesadilla.
-doing the dishes
-being blamed when we all know its not just me.
-my hair not being as rad as i want it to be.
-my garter being too long.
-not being asleep.
-being forgettable.
-knowing after all this, i still don't matter.
-not being called back.
-on thursday christie's coming and staying for a week and a half.
-knowing she'll be with them, and i will hurt.
-the thought of school tomorrow.
-being alone. especially when i need someone.
-being hungry and crying.
-"these break up songs make sense again"
-puking.
-not being accepted as a friend on myspace.
-the lack of bright green latex.
-FRIENDS ONLY ENTRIES!!!!!! fuck a friends only journal in the ass til it bleeds
-stupid drama with stupid friends
-drunken boyfriends
-being worried about cheating
-body hair
-christianity
-studs with short pokey things
-MOTHERFUCKING EMO!!!!!!!!!
-getting shit for wanting to listen to new stuff
-always choosing the stupid one to be with
-having a paper to write, yet not being able to do it. at all. oops.
Old entries, and all that they mean.
Honestly though, it's worth reading. Want a view into my life? Voila.
For example....
"I just sat there for about an hour, thinking about a whole bunch of shit. And even if I didn't have shit to think about, earlier my mom called me while she was drunk and just talked my ear off, and told me a few of the reasons she and my dad got a divorce, and the week it happened. It was a nice way to partly ruin my evening. If you wanna know, ask. I'm not going into it on lj. So I thought about that. I thought about the friendships I have, and if they are really as strong as I think. I thought about how I'm growing up way faster than I should, and how someone ripped my youth away from me. I thought about how I'm doing pretty decently with this whole life thing. And finally, I thought about how much it sucks having to do dishes. **shudders** You have no idea how much I hate dishes. We need a new dishwasher."
"But I did decide that in most instances of everything, life goes on. Like if I stay lonely forever, life goes on. If George W. Bush gets "re"elected, life will go on. If I find my soulmate tomorrow and move to Timbuktu, life will go on. And nothing is that big of a deal. Seriously, people need to re-evaluate themselves if they think something fairly insignificant in the grand scheme of things is going to fuck up their life. I always hear that teenagers have a hard time understanding that what happens now is not that crucial, and that there is a whole new life outside of adolesence. But it's true. I mean, think about when you were younger. You probably had no idea you'd end up where you are, you probably figured you'd still be having sleepovers at your best friends house. And now, maybe you don't even talk to them anymore. But you never would've thought it. It's the same now. In 10 years, you could be the next Picasso. You could be the Elvis of our day. You could be on your way to be the JFK of our day. You could be a modern day Martin Luther King Jr.
Power outages make my life the best. I kinda wish I had someone there, but it was just as good being able to really think about things."
"God I hate my life. I actually have a good time, and God thinks, "oh, a challenge". I swear to God(Bob?), next thing you know, it'll be locusts and frogs. Fucking plagues."
"I'm all for vegetables, for example all day I've been in the mood for a salad and some potato salad, but wrapping a burger in lettuce? Now that's some crazy talk. Use a fuckin low-carb mold bun for christs sake!!!!"
"People who suck at life should just go ahead and die...[I mean they suck at life...so it makes sense, right?]
These kind of people would be people who:
A. Start senseless rumours because they have nothing better to do with their pathetic lives.
B. Egg peoples cars
C. Think they are good in bed [because thats definetley not what everyone else has heard]
D. Waste their life [sitting in front of a TV watching the WB does not count in this situation-because the WB is awesome and not a life wasting type thing].
E. Think they are better than me. They arent. That was not a cocky statement. Im just saying no one is better than anyone else. Unless of course they are Regan, Maddy, Nan and the other Morgan. Because those people just rock ass.
F. Try to 'steal' other people boyfriends. Dude, thats lame. And Im not going through that, I just know people who are.
G. People that tell you one thing one day, then change their stories, and get pissy when you call them on it."
"And right now I'm thinking about shit. Like, I go through so much shit. And I'm not trying to be like I'm better than anyone, but I go through a lot. I think I'm becoming my mom's best friend. And while that can be good, it's an awkward position for me. I'm a good kid and stuff, so I don't give her much grief. But she tells me a lot of her problems, and of course I'm going to listen. This started with her whole suicide thing. And now she does drunk'n'dial's, and tells me things that I never thought I'd know. Again, I'm going to be there for her, but it's weird learning these things that have the power to completely change my views about people. And now I know some things, and I talk to people that this will directly affect, but I don't feel right telling them. I hold back on possibly vital information, because I am in such an awkward position of being friends with parents."
"And this talk of drinking makes me kinda want to go sXe. But I won't. Even if I never touch drugs or alcohol again, I will never be sXe. Fuck that."
And a looooooooooooooooooong list. Some still relevant, some not.
Still here in it's full glory.
Things I hate:
-you.
-christmas.
-those stupid people that ring bells outside of target wanting my money.
-veterans that want my money.
-cashiers that make fun of me for buying macaroni salad and ice cream. and i'm not even raggin it!
-raggin it. more than life itself.
-being ignored.
-being stood up.
-not seeing river city rebels.
-wanting to be beautiful but knowing i'm barely average.
-being forgettable.
-knowing the only person i can talk to is a rock star.
-getting left behind.
-having a full tank of gas, but nowhere to go, nothing to do, and no one to be with me.
-sleeping by myself.
-knowing this is probably my last weekend alone.
-but yet, my first.
-family.
-my english class.
-not being able to keep a friendship to save my life.
-the movie "the polar express"
-knowing that for the first time in years, i am completely alone.
-the fact that i'll get older than 17
-that i am a failure at life.
-that the only thing i'm looking forward to is river city rebels coming here.
-and the fact that once they leave i don't know where i'll be.
-crying at the docks by myself.
-not having more river city rebels cds.
-knowing that even though julie was happier than she's been, i managed to ruin that.
-knowing that if i didn't ruin that, my life would be 746371865783 times worse.
-remembering all the good times with everyone.
-missing a real best friend.
-knowing that we don't have any money anymore.
-knowing that my mom spent my college money on god knows what.
-finding out even though my mom cancelled christmas, we still have to pretend to have one.
-having a 7 year old sister. and she hasn't even moved in yet.
-backstabbing cunts.
-realizing i can't play ps2 because of brodre.
-"everything reminds me of you"
-knowing that even though i feel really alone right now, i'll still be alone in the morning. probably even more so.
-suicide.
-alcohol being illegal for me.
-wanting the simplest things, and having no hope to get it.
-anytime anything good happens, something is right around the corner to bring it all crashing down. every. fucking. time.
-breaking up. because with me, there are no second chances.
-feeling beautiful, and having julie bring me down.
-feeling good about something, and having julie try to bring me down.
-the words slut, whore, floozy, tramp, toot, skank, ho, etc etc.
-the fact that most people are selfish assholes.
-"4 more years"
-not being good enough for anyone. especially those that matter[ed] to me.
-crying.
-the fact i can't write a good song.
-"you said you'd call, i should've known. i waited all day by the phone. a mistake, like you."
-"i should've been aborted"
-self righteous boyfriends that think they help.
-"friends" that "care"
-cold nachos.
-forgetting to eat a delicious quesadilla.
-doing the dishes
-being blamed when we all know its not just me.
-my hair not being as rad as i want it to be.
-my garter being too long.
-not being asleep.
-being forgettable.
-knowing after all this, i still don't matter.
-not being called back.
-on thursday christie's coming and staying for a week and a half.
-knowing she'll be with them, and i will hurt.
-the thought of school tomorrow.
-being alone. especially when i need someone.
-being hungry and crying.
-"these break up songs make sense again"
-puking.
-not being accepted as a friend on myspace.
-the lack of bright green latex.
-FRIENDS ONLY ENTRIES!!!!!! fuck a friends only journal in the ass til it bleeds
-stupid drama with stupid friends
-drunken boyfriends
-being worried about cheating
-body hair
-christianity
-studs with short pokey things
-MOTHERFUCKING EMO!!!!!!!!!
-getting shit for wanting to listen to new stuff
-always choosing the stupid one to be with
-having a paper to write, yet not being able to do it. at all. oops.