Pour My Soul Out of Its Cage
With only a couple days until my endocrinologist appointment, I started reflecting a lot on my reasons for going through this transition, to basically reaffirm my belief that this is what I must do. I asked myself the question, "What would you do if you decided to remain a male?" And the only answer I could think of, after a long period of thought, was, "I'd probably go back on prescription drugs and blot out my pain, like I've done in the past."
I don't like to admit this, but I have used prescription painkillers in the past to pretend that I was happy wearing the mask of a straight male in the world outside my heart. In particular, I discovered a drug called tramadol (brand names include Ultram or Ultracet) that is kind of a strange beast: it's a combination of an antidepressant (much like things like Prozac or Paxil, it has serotonin and norepinephrine modulating properties, for the med tech geeks out there) and an opiate. Imagine a powerful, fast acting antidepressant with a Vicodin-like buzz to go along with it. I originally was prescribed to take once in a while when my back ached (I have some degree of chronic lower back pain, that I now overcome with exercise and stretches), but I discovered how wonderful it worked to make me feel good when I should feel bad. That's the thing about opiates: it makes you lose track of your conscience, because bad things don't seem bad anymore, I mean, how could they? You feel wonderful. It warps your entire sense of judgement, and you lose track of yourself. I made a lot of mistakes, hurt a few people, made a fool of myself many a time, and generally did a whole lot of lounging around and doing nothing due to tramadol.
I have been stagnant for a long time. Oh, I've convinced myself I've made progress once in a while, but I'd always fall back on a self-hating cycle where I'd get mad at myself for being me whilst finding ways to avoid dealing with my issues. I can't do that anymore. I have to evolve.
It took me a long time to find out how I needed to evolve. For years I'd put masks around people and try to force myself into modes of living I was not suited for. I dated a woman who wanted me to marry her and have children with her, and be the leading manly man in her life. I deluded myself into believing that this was the kind of person I wanted to be. I tried to be gay (and pretend I wasn't attracted to women at all) because I thought that this was who I was, and I tried to embrace my manliness in that construct when it was my femininity that was calling to me. I tried to be more feminine in that world and felt isolated. I felt like a girl amongst gay men, and no one liked me for who I actually was. Finally it hit me: I'm a girl. This is who I am. I need to be myself.
I need to transition. I need to pour my soul out of its cage.
I can't let myself fall back into old habits. Evolution must happen.
I have the tools to do this, and there's no turning back.
With conviction,
Teegan Jane
I don't like to admit this, but I have used prescription painkillers in the past to pretend that I was happy wearing the mask of a straight male in the world outside my heart. In particular, I discovered a drug called tramadol (brand names include Ultram or Ultracet) that is kind of a strange beast: it's a combination of an antidepressant (much like things like Prozac or Paxil, it has serotonin and norepinephrine modulating properties, for the med tech geeks out there) and an opiate. Imagine a powerful, fast acting antidepressant with a Vicodin-like buzz to go along with it. I originally was prescribed to take once in a while when my back ached (I have some degree of chronic lower back pain, that I now overcome with exercise and stretches), but I discovered how wonderful it worked to make me feel good when I should feel bad. That's the thing about opiates: it makes you lose track of your conscience, because bad things don't seem bad anymore, I mean, how could they? You feel wonderful. It warps your entire sense of judgement, and you lose track of yourself. I made a lot of mistakes, hurt a few people, made a fool of myself many a time, and generally did a whole lot of lounging around and doing nothing due to tramadol.
I have been stagnant for a long time. Oh, I've convinced myself I've made progress once in a while, but I'd always fall back on a self-hating cycle where I'd get mad at myself for being me whilst finding ways to avoid dealing with my issues. I can't do that anymore. I have to evolve.
It took me a long time to find out how I needed to evolve. For years I'd put masks around people and try to force myself into modes of living I was not suited for. I dated a woman who wanted me to marry her and have children with her, and be the leading manly man in her life. I deluded myself into believing that this was the kind of person I wanted to be. I tried to be gay (and pretend I wasn't attracted to women at all) because I thought that this was who I was, and I tried to embrace my manliness in that construct when it was my femininity that was calling to me. I tried to be more feminine in that world and felt isolated. I felt like a girl amongst gay men, and no one liked me for who I actually was. Finally it hit me: I'm a girl. This is who I am. I need to be myself.
I need to transition. I need to pour my soul out of its cage.
I can't let myself fall back into old habits. Evolution must happen.
I have the tools to do this, and there's no turning back.
With conviction,
Teegan Jane