The Need of an Anchor
I had this ultra-bizarre dream last night that, like all of my dreams, feature multiple plotlines that interweave and combine. If we could actually record dreams, each of my dreams would neatly fit a whole season of prime-time television, and probably be more entertaining than anything else out there (if a little abstract and, you know, "art-house").
Anyway, one notable segment (episode?) of my dream featured me, as a guy pre-hormones, at Six Flags Hurricane Harbor, which is a large water slide park attached to Six Flags Magic Mountain, the big famous theme park just north of Los Angeles. I climbed one of the big towers that has those huge tubular slides that are scary as shit, and got inside and rode it to the bottom. When I emerged, I was in girl mode, still wearing my board shorts (and thank god, of course, because I think I was pre-op), but with an additional bra and longer hair. Suddenly, security appeared and threatened to throw me out of the park, because I couldn't just enter the park as a dude and change my gender all of a sudden. That just wouldn't fly with the investors. Yeah, I told you it was weird.
What else is going on...
I'm having dinner with my dad tomorrow night to talk about financing of therapy for me. As aforementioned, I found a good therapist at the LA Gender Center, and according to my mother, my dad would pay for it. When I called my dad yesterday, my dad didn't remember this, and then went into a diatribe about who the hell this therapist is, what are her credentials, et cetera, and blasted my endocrinologist for prescribing me hormones without a letter of recommendation.
Okay, so, sure, I probably should have gotten a letter of rec, but on the other hand, here we are, three months and a week into HRT. I'm happy. I love life. I'm excited for the future, finally again. This is where I'm going. I have a therapy appointment coming soon. Let's work from today. Let's work from here. He seemed to be okay with that notion. My family really loves to pick one thing about the past and dwell on that in spite of any recent developments, even if they superceed it and make it irrelevant. I definitely support people who have any doubt in their minds to get therapy first. If you luck out and find an endocrinologist that works by informed consent on prescribing hormones, then you have to be absolutely sure this is what you want to do. And even so, you need therapy through this. You need someone to talk to and report back to on how you are doing. Hormones do crazy things to your body and mind. You need that anchor.
Anyway, where was I...oh! Right. So, eventually, after that phone call where we didn't get much of anywhere, I texted him with this longish text. I was so frustrated; I just needed to get it out, even if it wasn't very eloquent or terribly thorough:
Dad I know that you're worried about me and that you're worried I'm making mistakes and I guess that's just what dads are supposed to do lol. I love you and I am finally doing things in my life that are positive for me. I haven't felt this good about my future in, well, ever. I'm happy, if a little stressed about money. But i've got plans to move out this year, I'm going to be seeing one of the more respected ph.d gender therapists in the field...I have this feeling you think I've been brainwashed by people and I'm not that naive Dad. I'm doing what I need to do to be happy. I love you a lot.
He sent this text back to me:
I'm looking through all of these family photos that your mom scanned, and I'm flooded with a wave of nostalgia. I love you too son.
This almost made me cry. I understand that he loves me. I know he does. He's just uneasy, and this is going to be a long transition for both of us. I'm just glad--no, I'm so so so happy--for the fact that my mom and dad are the least bit receptive to the idea of me transitioning. It could be a lot worse.
Love ya,
Teegan
P.S. Auditions for the one-act musical are today! I get to be all cute with a clipboard and judge people on whether or not they can sing! It'll be like American Idol. Maybe. We'll see.