Singing Always Reminds Me of What I'm Trying to Leave Behind
Tonight, I went to the karaoke pool-hall thing with friends. I haven't been in almost two months, and haven't sung in maybe three. I used to sing a lot there. When I actually had confidence to do it, I could belt out Led Zeppelin and Judas Priest with a modicum of authenticity (okay, it wasn't perfect, but at least I was in tune most of the time). Problem is, once I started getting super-serious about transitioning and getting self-conscious about my voice, my confidence started to buckle. I started to hate the way I sung. I sounded like a guy. So I stopped.
I tried again tonight, and the only reason I did this was because they randomly happened to have a semi-rare song by an obscure band whom I thought I was their only fan (at least amongst people who would go to a karaoke bar). So, I felt almost obligated to 'try' it. I got up there, and tanked mostly. I didn't sound great; I just got super-anxious up there. I heard my voice as it came out of my mouth, and it echoed in my ears, and it sounded so rough and masculine.
It was probably a bad song to sing. It was in a low register, and it was originally sung by a man with a deep, reverberating voice. So I was bound to have to sing it that way, and all I felt was gender dysphoria the whole time. I could barely even hear the song at times because my mind was elsewhere. I tried to sing louder to pierce through that opaque mind-fog I was getting, and I just blew the song. Someone playing pool (and drunk) yelled "ouch" afterwards amongst the applause. That didn't help.
I had to leave. I had to get out of there, and I don't think I can come back until after my transition. I just don't like being put in the spotlight as my masculine self. It felt like as if the past two months didn't happen.
Of course I'm overdramatizing this. Anxiety attacks are always overdramatic. They happen for illogical reasons. Obviously the last two months happened. My body is feminizing. I can do a halfways-okay female voice. I just can't sing like a woman, and I probably never will. Singing always reminds me of what I'm trying to leave behind. It's a painful experience for me nowadays. I wish it wasn't.
Anyway, I'm mostly over the anxiety. I need to accept the things that won't change, and just be happy with what I can change. And maybe I will learn to sing more feminine eventually. In any case, there will always be reminders of my past in some form or another, I guess I just need to come to terms with that. Even if I do sing like a guy...should it even matter?
Warm regards,
Teegan
I tried again tonight, and the only reason I did this was because they randomly happened to have a semi-rare song by an obscure band whom I thought I was their only fan (at least amongst people who would go to a karaoke bar). So, I felt almost obligated to 'try' it. I got up there, and tanked mostly. I didn't sound great; I just got super-anxious up there. I heard my voice as it came out of my mouth, and it echoed in my ears, and it sounded so rough and masculine.
It was probably a bad song to sing. It was in a low register, and it was originally sung by a man with a deep, reverberating voice. So I was bound to have to sing it that way, and all I felt was gender dysphoria the whole time. I could barely even hear the song at times because my mind was elsewhere. I tried to sing louder to pierce through that opaque mind-fog I was getting, and I just blew the song. Someone playing pool (and drunk) yelled "ouch" afterwards amongst the applause. That didn't help.
I had to leave. I had to get out of there, and I don't think I can come back until after my transition. I just don't like being put in the spotlight as my masculine self. It felt like as if the past two months didn't happen.
Of course I'm overdramatizing this. Anxiety attacks are always overdramatic. They happen for illogical reasons. Obviously the last two months happened. My body is feminizing. I can do a halfways-okay female voice. I just can't sing like a woman, and I probably never will. Singing always reminds me of what I'm trying to leave behind. It's a painful experience for me nowadays. I wish it wasn't.
Anyway, I'm mostly over the anxiety. I need to accept the things that won't change, and just be happy with what I can change. And maybe I will learn to sing more feminine eventually. In any case, there will always be reminders of my past in some form or another, I guess I just need to come to terms with that. Even if I do sing like a guy...should it even matter?
Warm regards,
Teegan