An Incoherent Ramble About Full-Time, Dysphoria, Depression, and Our Society
Is it at all weird that I am waiting to go "full-time" for so long?
I see people all over YouTube who are dressing ultra-fem before HRT and even in the first few months. For these people, dressing feminine was probably always part of their daily lives. To me, while I like coming off as "feminine," I am not a "girly girl." I'm kind of middle ground between both traditional gender roles, both in terms of dress and actions. But right now, I am still not out. I am still concealing who I am in front of lots of people. I am living in the role of a man still, more or less.
I've seen other trans-girls wait a long time to "come out" and live full-time. One prominent one on YouTube waited almost eleven months. Is this unusual? Is it okay to wait until you're ready to finally burn your bridges and reveal yourself to the world as you are?
It makes me think about why anyone does this in the first place. What does it mean to be female? Is it the way you dress? Is it the way you act? Is it the way your body looks? I think it can be any of these things, or none of these things. I guess it just comes down to this: what kind of person are you? How do you want to express your inner self?
Society obviously puts a lot of pressure on us to conform to certain structures of living. If we are male, we are expected to act masculine; women are expected to be feminine. A lot of men and women feel the need to conform to these gender roles to survive in society--to be accepted by our culture and our culture's definition of what is normal. I am not sure I really fit in either gender category, inasmuch as the categories established by society.
So why transition to be female? What is being female to me?
Well, what do I want?
I want a female body to match my female mind. I'd like most other people to see me as female. I want to be able to dress however I'd like without confusing people; I want the option of wearing a dress, but I'd also like to do the jeans and t-shirt thing as well. I want to be able to wear make-up, but I don't want to have to. To use accepted terms, I am mostly a "tom boy." I am bisexual, leaning towards liking women more than men. This is the kind of girl I am. This is the kind of person I want to convey to people when I am "full-time," because this is me. And it's funny: aside from wanting a female body, these are all things based on what society views me as. As much as I'd like to divorce myself from what society expects of me, I kind of want to be accepted by that very society that invites in the cool people and shuns the weird, at least on a small scale.
In the end, I don't think there's one way to do this. Still, I see the many different paths that people take, and I wonder sometimes if I'm taking the right one. I get depressed on occasion, thinking that this is too difficult--too expensive--and its a path too besieged by societal pressures of what's normal. I usually feel better pretty quickly and feel good about myself and where I'm going, but sometimes I just think too much. I wish I could just be happy with my gender. It would make things easier. Is it better to find ways to cope with gender dysphoria? Certainly financially. But is it possible to cope? I think my Dad thinks this is all mostly elective stuff. It's "body modification."
Can I simply deal with this and remain as I am? I don't think so.
I mean, who the fuck am I? It's sometimes confusing to answer this with the noise of other people and human culture smothering me. I know I just need to just be me. I am tired of being what others would prefer me to be. I wish I could just live off of self-acceptance, but I also want some degree of external acceptance. Is that...okay?
Thinking too much,
Teegan
I see people all over YouTube who are dressing ultra-fem before HRT and even in the first few months. For these people, dressing feminine was probably always part of their daily lives. To me, while I like coming off as "feminine," I am not a "girly girl." I'm kind of middle ground between both traditional gender roles, both in terms of dress and actions. But right now, I am still not out. I am still concealing who I am in front of lots of people. I am living in the role of a man still, more or less.
I've seen other trans-girls wait a long time to "come out" and live full-time. One prominent one on YouTube waited almost eleven months. Is this unusual? Is it okay to wait until you're ready to finally burn your bridges and reveal yourself to the world as you are?
It makes me think about why anyone does this in the first place. What does it mean to be female? Is it the way you dress? Is it the way you act? Is it the way your body looks? I think it can be any of these things, or none of these things. I guess it just comes down to this: what kind of person are you? How do you want to express your inner self?
Society obviously puts a lot of pressure on us to conform to certain structures of living. If we are male, we are expected to act masculine; women are expected to be feminine. A lot of men and women feel the need to conform to these gender roles to survive in society--to be accepted by our culture and our culture's definition of what is normal. I am not sure I really fit in either gender category, inasmuch as the categories established by society.
So why transition to be female? What is being female to me?
Well, what do I want?
I want a female body to match my female mind. I'd like most other people to see me as female. I want to be able to dress however I'd like without confusing people; I want the option of wearing a dress, but I'd also like to do the jeans and t-shirt thing as well. I want to be able to wear make-up, but I don't want to have to. To use accepted terms, I am mostly a "tom boy." I am bisexual, leaning towards liking women more than men. This is the kind of girl I am. This is the kind of person I want to convey to people when I am "full-time," because this is me. And it's funny: aside from wanting a female body, these are all things based on what society views me as. As much as I'd like to divorce myself from what society expects of me, I kind of want to be accepted by that very society that invites in the cool people and shuns the weird, at least on a small scale.
In the end, I don't think there's one way to do this. Still, I see the many different paths that people take, and I wonder sometimes if I'm taking the right one. I get depressed on occasion, thinking that this is too difficult--too expensive--and its a path too besieged by societal pressures of what's normal. I usually feel better pretty quickly and feel good about myself and where I'm going, but sometimes I just think too much. I wish I could just be happy with my gender. It would make things easier. Is it better to find ways to cope with gender dysphoria? Certainly financially. But is it possible to cope? I think my Dad thinks this is all mostly elective stuff. It's "body modification."
Can I simply deal with this and remain as I am? I don't think so.
I mean, who the fuck am I? It's sometimes confusing to answer this with the noise of other people and human culture smothering me. I know I just need to just be me. I am tired of being what others would prefer me to be. I wish I could just live off of self-acceptance, but I also want some degree of external acceptance. Is that...okay?
Thinking too much,
Teegan