My Introduction
So after many years of bartering with myself, deciding if I should start posting again, ive come back. Ive been a member of proanorexia for 3+ years now and have been following the posts and reposnding to as many as possible. Its weird...in a way it helps me with my eating problems and at the same time makes it worse. As a refresh...this is me:
Ever since i was young I was always compared myself to my older sister in regards to height and weight and overall jsut how she could eat anything and everything and be as thin as a stick figure. Me on the other hand - 3 years younger, athletic and was consious of what i ate for as long as i can remember was the shorter, stalkier sister. This all continued on and when I hit grade 7 I seemed to kick it into high gear. I remember sitting in the gym at lunch time with a bag of carrot and celery sticks while everyone else chowed down on pizza. I rememeber thinking that I was determined to be skinnier then them all and show them that i had the will power to do it. I got up at 7am 3 times a week to run outside and get back home in time for the school bus to pick me up. I sometimes was deliberatly late so i would have to rollerblade or bike to school and back home again. After school i got my bus route changed so i could get dropped off at the gym and workout there until dinner time. Surprisingly enough, my parents didnt seem to mind. I played all school sports and was also figure skating and playing competitive soccer at the time. I continued this routine until highschool when i eventually quit skating, gained 15lbs and headed down an even darker path then in my earlier years.
Highschool was full of ups and downs regarding my weight, health and overall fitness. I have always had very low self esteem and even to this day I cannot see what other people are talking about when they say certain things about me. I cant help it, its not that i don't want to have great self-confidence...i just hate my body too much for that. So starting off in highschool i was still failry active, and my eating habits were horrible. Not knowing much about nutrition i would live on nothing for breakfast (coffee) and either coffee again for lunch or a muffin (HORRIBLE), when i got home i would binge from not eating all day and then be forced to eat dinner b/c my family would not see my eat all day. This continued on for almost all of highschool but got a little bit better near graduation of gr 12.
University my eating habits and exercising just got worse. I fasted and used laxatives throughout (currently in 4th year). At this time I had decided to see a nutritionist to help get my eating in order. I could no longer live like this....binging one night followed by a guilty 4 day starvation - back and forth - and denying myself the knowledge i already had about nutrition and athletics. I ignored my own knowledge from my schooling and still thought that i could loose weight "my way". But my way never worked, i could fluctuate up to 10 lbs in a week and take laxatives for a month straight and then stop for a week. My body was suffering, i felt guitly every time i ate, was nauseaus most of the time, restrict during the day to become the night time binger. I hit an all time high of 165lbs 2 summers ago....This was the last straw, the downfall, the turning point in my binging/laxative abusing lifestyle. Since then I have lost most of the addition weight i had gained and are finally starting to get my number lower than what it was in highschool. It has taken some time and many hours spent at the gym. Ive never had so much self discipline in regards to unstructured athletics as i do right now. I still have my lazy days...but the guilt of not going to the gym can become to overwhelming. My binging has decreased but my difficulty eating during the day has not. I am still struggling to be happy and healthy, I am for that goal eventually one day, yet i allow myself to be pulled back into the deciteful misperception of "my way" of eating. One day i will be able to eat without feeling guilty, one day i will be happy with the way i look, one day i will love the weight that i am at....one day....just not today.
Ever since i was young I was always compared myself to my older sister in regards to height and weight and overall jsut how she could eat anything and everything and be as thin as a stick figure. Me on the other hand - 3 years younger, athletic and was consious of what i ate for as long as i can remember was the shorter, stalkier sister. This all continued on and when I hit grade 7 I seemed to kick it into high gear. I remember sitting in the gym at lunch time with a bag of carrot and celery sticks while everyone else chowed down on pizza. I rememeber thinking that I was determined to be skinnier then them all and show them that i had the will power to do it. I got up at 7am 3 times a week to run outside and get back home in time for the school bus to pick me up. I sometimes was deliberatly late so i would have to rollerblade or bike to school and back home again. After school i got my bus route changed so i could get dropped off at the gym and workout there until dinner time. Surprisingly enough, my parents didnt seem to mind. I played all school sports and was also figure skating and playing competitive soccer at the time. I continued this routine until highschool when i eventually quit skating, gained 15lbs and headed down an even darker path then in my earlier years.
Highschool was full of ups and downs regarding my weight, health and overall fitness. I have always had very low self esteem and even to this day I cannot see what other people are talking about when they say certain things about me. I cant help it, its not that i don't want to have great self-confidence...i just hate my body too much for that. So starting off in highschool i was still failry active, and my eating habits were horrible. Not knowing much about nutrition i would live on nothing for breakfast (coffee) and either coffee again for lunch or a muffin (HORRIBLE), when i got home i would binge from not eating all day and then be forced to eat dinner b/c my family would not see my eat all day. This continued on for almost all of highschool but got a little bit better near graduation of gr 12.
University my eating habits and exercising just got worse. I fasted and used laxatives throughout (currently in 4th year). At this time I had decided to see a nutritionist to help get my eating in order. I could no longer live like this....binging one night followed by a guilty 4 day starvation - back and forth - and denying myself the knowledge i already had about nutrition and athletics. I ignored my own knowledge from my schooling and still thought that i could loose weight "my way". But my way never worked, i could fluctuate up to 10 lbs in a week and take laxatives for a month straight and then stop for a week. My body was suffering, i felt guitly every time i ate, was nauseaus most of the time, restrict during the day to become the night time binger. I hit an all time high of 165lbs 2 summers ago....This was the last straw, the downfall, the turning point in my binging/laxative abusing lifestyle. Since then I have lost most of the addition weight i had gained and are finally starting to get my number lower than what it was in highschool. It has taken some time and many hours spent at the gym. Ive never had so much self discipline in regards to unstructured athletics as i do right now. I still have my lazy days...but the guilt of not going to the gym can become to overwhelming. My binging has decreased but my difficulty eating during the day has not. I am still struggling to be happy and healthy, I am for that goal eventually one day, yet i allow myself to be pulled back into the deciteful misperception of "my way" of eating. One day i will be able to eat without feeling guilty, one day i will be happy with the way i look, one day i will love the weight that i am at....one day....just not today.