Love Leaves Its Abusers
This concept, this illusion of "security" returning again to mask my emotional delinquency. "Who are we to love at all?"
My biological desire to fuck you does not compute with my social-emotional desire not to fuck you. What an entirely human experience. Pheromones and the experience of mutual attraction combating years of social conditioning, and an ability to see and evaluate inevitable consequences. The experience of experiencing this before. Of This Too Shall Pass. Of these experiences that do not compute with the years of mutual support.
The human experience of the ability to reconcile a desire to care for someone, to physically and emotionally fortify them, with a flare of desire to copulate with another. For what purpose? How does one reconcile purposeless desires, or desires fueled entirely by biology I shall sate with no man. And knowing that This Too Shall Pass. At what junction shall it pass? A desire to eliminate a desire is one less easily sated.
Knowing the emotional consequences of sating biological desire. The personal emotional consequences. A personal, near-physical mutilation. An inability to conceal mutual desires given over to by supposedly empathizing adult(s). The knowing of consequences, of the tearing and mutilation of one's very self.
The human experience of brooding over the loss of an experience not worth its consequences. An experience not fully understood or even yearned for from mental-moral-emotional higher ground, but only from some tributary of biology that has come to realize that the one that cares for me is not helping to pass on my genes.
It's not as though I am ungrateful, or even lacking in love.
My biological desire to fuck you does not compute with my social-emotional desire not to fuck you. What an entirely human experience. Pheromones and the experience of mutual attraction combating years of social conditioning, and an ability to see and evaluate inevitable consequences. The experience of experiencing this before. Of This Too Shall Pass. Of these experiences that do not compute with the years of mutual support.
The human experience of the ability to reconcile a desire to care for someone, to physically and emotionally fortify them, with a flare of desire to copulate with another. For what purpose? How does one reconcile purposeless desires, or desires fueled entirely by biology I shall sate with no man. And knowing that This Too Shall Pass. At what junction shall it pass? A desire to eliminate a desire is one less easily sated.
Knowing the emotional consequences of sating biological desire. The personal emotional consequences. A personal, near-physical mutilation. An inability to conceal mutual desires given over to by supposedly empathizing adult(s). The knowing of consequences, of the tearing and mutilation of one's very self.
The human experience of brooding over the loss of an experience not worth its consequences. An experience not fully understood or even yearned for from mental-moral-emotional higher ground, but only from some tributary of biology that has come to realize that the one that cares for me is not helping to pass on my genes.
It's not as though I am ungrateful, or even lacking in love.