(no subject)
i had literally, the worst nightmare i have ever had in my life last weekend. i woke up gasping and sobbing. my demons took the shape of a person. persons. persons who have nothing to do with my intangible demons. it was a warning.
i haven't been able to sleep well at all these past three weeks. i exhaust myself during the day, with what i don't know. brain weight, i guess. i wait until three am to attempt sleep. sleep comes maybe an hour and a half after my initial attempt.
my father is back in the hospital, for drinking again on top of his dementia. doesn't remember who we are. we have to go and see him on friday, pretend to decide his fate again. he keeps threatening to kill himself. really, i wish he would at this point.
i'll just spit it: i am having a horrible time.
i'm a complete nutcase as of late. i made the decision to be a complete nutcase, of course, by taking these things on head first. i worry i can't be in a relationship because of them. i'm not a very fun person to be in a relationship with at the moment. if anything, it's good because...i at least have found someone who makes me see my demons for what they are. i don't want to use other people as sounding boards, scratching posts. i want to be better than that.
i'm trying honesty. total disclosure. if i were him, i might run from me.
that being said, i'm pretty fucking excited to see the pixies in boston this weekend. fancy hotel, city streets, music, birthday and i want to bake all my friends and loved ones a big pie for being my friends and loved ones.
i'm having a hard time playing nice, because playing nice isn't working. i want to actually be nice. but first i have to be nice to myself. otherwise, there is no point. that's the hardest part.
i haven't been able to sleep well at all these past three weeks. i exhaust myself during the day, with what i don't know. brain weight, i guess. i wait until three am to attempt sleep. sleep comes maybe an hour and a half after my initial attempt.
my father is back in the hospital, for drinking again on top of his dementia. doesn't remember who we are. we have to go and see him on friday, pretend to decide his fate again. he keeps threatening to kill himself. really, i wish he would at this point.
i'll just spit it: i am having a horrible time.
i'm a complete nutcase as of late. i made the decision to be a complete nutcase, of course, by taking these things on head first. i worry i can't be in a relationship because of them. i'm not a very fun person to be in a relationship with at the moment. if anything, it's good because...i at least have found someone who makes me see my demons for what they are. i don't want to use other people as sounding boards, scratching posts. i want to be better than that.
i'm trying honesty. total disclosure. if i were him, i might run from me.
that being said, i'm pretty fucking excited to see the pixies in boston this weekend. fancy hotel, city streets, music, birthday and i want to bake all my friends and loved ones a big pie for being my friends and loved ones.
i'm having a hard time playing nice, because playing nice isn't working. i want to actually be nice. but first i have to be nice to myself. otherwise, there is no point. that's the hardest part.