on art and creativity and dreams...
as some of you may know, i've been re-watching all my old buffy dvd's... i couldn't even tell you how many times this is for me now total, i think i go through them about once every 2-3 years... i'm like that though- i've re-read just about every book i've ever loved, and own all the movies / tv shows i truly dig (and more than a few that i don't, but whatever)...
anyways, i'm a total geek when it comes to dvd's because i AM the guy that watches all the 'special features' & listens to the commentaries... i usually don't care too much for the actor commentaries, i like to hear from the writers and directors and special-effects guys & gals... the buffy dvd's are rife with them and i've been watching each episode, then going back and RE-watching with the commentary on... it's fun for me, and gives the whole experience a new dimension (plus makes it last longer!)...
the point i'm getting to here is that i feel i share a lot in common with these people- with they way they think and how they attempt to express those thoughts to the world... the fact is i really don't feel i have the talent to make a living off of it... i'm not brooding or fishing for compliments, it's just the way i feel... i get way too lost in the details to ever keep the 'big picture' in mind...
but that's not the point either- the thing is, i generally GET what people are trying to express, likely because i've spent so much time trying to express myself & failing...
i GET things about the world around me and the people in it that often escapes most...
i think there may be some art in that... certainly i MUST have some creativity within me in order to appreciate the creativity of others, yes?
and that's great and all, but i wonder what it means... am i consigned simply to be a critic? or a teacher? or just an audience member in life?
none of these things are bad things to be, i think, but i want so much more for myself and my life... is that egotism? vanity?
or perhaps that IS the point of life- to want more, to strive for more and better... to do all we can to fulfill this short time we have upon the earth, in this physical realm... to reach beyond it, and appreciate it, and contribute to it, all while still a part of it...
i honestly have no idea...
i can feel the beauty of my keystrokes even as i type... i re-wrote that line above three times, erasing the entire thing but keeping the word 'honestly' in it each time, but still re-typing the word itself each time because it feels so good on the keyboard...
i find art in simple things like this, but i'm not sure anyone else gets it... certainly no one else i am in contact with...
as to dreams, i've had some strange ones lately... a woman i loved was helping me fly a kite in one! and i was in china, and i had DRIVEN there... i remember being very worried when i got there that i wouldn't be able to talk to anyone (different language & all) but it turned out i could communicate just fine... and it was all on a hillside- no idea why...
it was very strange because the book ('the amber spyglass' - third book in the 'dark matters' trilogy) i've just read made a passing reference to china, one paragraph in about 1200 pages total, but it just stuck out in my mind- i've no idea why... well, maybe a little, but you'd have to read that paragraph to understand- and even then i think it'd be touch and go ;)
but i talk about dreams now because the 'buffy' episode i just watched was a pure dream-sequence one (the last episode from the fourth season, entitled 'restless')... very artsy and weird... and having just listened to the writer/director's (joss whedon's) commentary on it, i realized he dreamed very similar to the way i dream...
at first that made me feel good- that my subconscious was at least on par with one of my 'heroes'... but then i felt like shit because i have these dreams every night, and i let them just fade into nothingness as i go about the drudgery of my every-day life...
so maybe there's some drive missing in me, some dedication... maybe i simply dream like i do in order to appreciate the art & creativity in the world, never to add to it...
i simply don't know...
and i'm okay with that, for now...