(no subject)
I feel like I’m stuck in quicksand and the only place for me to go is lower and lower. Each piece of sand represents the pieces of my heart; unable to be held in the hand, seeping through the cracks of my fingers bit by bit. I’m broken.
I learned the other night that he had been sleeping with someone else throughout the end of our relationship. I can’t lie completely and say I didn’t expect it. I’m almost honoured he stayed faithful as long as he did, although maybe I’m giving him too much credit. While some part of me may have been prepared to hear the news, the biggest part of me, unprotected, wasn’t ready to hear who it was. I ran into Juska’s arms the night Ville ended it. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t stop crying, and I felt like I was barely alive. He took me into his arms and tried to mend every broken piece inside of me. We slept together that night; I don’t even want to call it making love anymore because I don’t feel like it was. He knew what he did was going to hurt me if it came out, instead of telling me, he just fucked me. Interesting concept. I left as soon as I found out. I didn’t know where I was going but I left as quickly as I could and out to explore Kouvola. I walked until my feet hurt, and until I was shivering from the cold. I knew I had to go back, had to face him, and it was making the frost against my face seem even colder. It was late, he should be asleep… but alas, he wasn’t. He immediately looked at me with an expression of relief. Probably thinking I jumped off a bridge or threw myself in front of a car. I wish I had. He tried to wrap his arms around me which only left him with a violent push away and a couple of sporadic “fuck you’s”. I was hurting and each look at his face only made me disgusted. He got on his knees before me and took my hand, begging for me to even look at him. The words… they just kept coming from his lips; each new one a pin, striking another side of my heart and my ears. Before I could even rationalise my actions, I lifted my hand up and forced it down hard across his face. Finally I looked at him, holding the side of his face as it slowly began to bubble up and turn red, shock and disbelief painted across his brow. I held his stare this time. I was able to feel the tears burn the back of my eyes as I started to cry again. Why did I do that? I turned away from him again; it hurt too much to see him. I walked out to the living room where he followed me. He wanted to help me breathe. The room was becoming smaller by the second. I let you help me breathe before. Look where it got me. He was quiet. I couldn’t sort out any thought in my head. Was this my punishment? I could only think it was. Maybe this was my punishment for sleeping with Juska that night, or maybe it was for all the sins I have committed against Rufus and Brian. Karma. Bad Karma. That’s all that I could think about. Are you still fucking him? He looked at me, and I looked away. Never mind, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know. And I really didn’t. I wanted to keep every ounce of love I had for Ville left. I didn’t want him to take it. It was almost as if when I broke apart, I saved a small bottle and stored it away. I wanted to love him still; I wanted to need him still. What the fuck was wrong with my mind?
I needed an escape. I didn’t know if I wanted to leave, or where I would even go if I did leave. I rolled my eyes up to the ceiling and thought for a few moments. Razors, I had razors up stairs. I also had a few bumps left. I was out of Xanax except for five pills. I wondered if I could take them all. He talked throughout this whole time. All I wanted was an escape.
I called every airline in Helsinki I could think of. The next flight out won’t be for a couple of days at least. They are all either booked or something I cannot afford. I’ll just do what I have been doing until I am able to leave. Lay in bed with the door locked and pretend to ignore the soft knocking present every so often.
I learned the other night that he had been sleeping with someone else throughout the end of our relationship. I can’t lie completely and say I didn’t expect it. I’m almost honoured he stayed faithful as long as he did, although maybe I’m giving him too much credit. While some part of me may have been prepared to hear the news, the biggest part of me, unprotected, wasn’t ready to hear who it was. I ran into Juska’s arms the night Ville ended it. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t stop crying, and I felt like I was barely alive. He took me into his arms and tried to mend every broken piece inside of me. We slept together that night; I don’t even want to call it making love anymore because I don’t feel like it was. He knew what he did was going to hurt me if it came out, instead of telling me, he just fucked me. Interesting concept. I left as soon as I found out. I didn’t know where I was going but I left as quickly as I could and out to explore Kouvola. I walked until my feet hurt, and until I was shivering from the cold. I knew I had to go back, had to face him, and it was making the frost against my face seem even colder. It was late, he should be asleep… but alas, he wasn’t. He immediately looked at me with an expression of relief. Probably thinking I jumped off a bridge or threw myself in front of a car. I wish I had. He tried to wrap his arms around me which only left him with a violent push away and a couple of sporadic “fuck you’s”. I was hurting and each look at his face only made me disgusted. He got on his knees before me and took my hand, begging for me to even look at him. The words… they just kept coming from his lips; each new one a pin, striking another side of my heart and my ears. Before I could even rationalise my actions, I lifted my hand up and forced it down hard across his face. Finally I looked at him, holding the side of his face as it slowly began to bubble up and turn red, shock and disbelief painted across his brow. I held his stare this time. I was able to feel the tears burn the back of my eyes as I started to cry again. Why did I do that? I turned away from him again; it hurt too much to see him. I walked out to the living room where he followed me. He wanted to help me breathe. The room was becoming smaller by the second. I let you help me breathe before. Look where it got me. He was quiet. I couldn’t sort out any thought in my head. Was this my punishment? I could only think it was. Maybe this was my punishment for sleeping with Juska that night, or maybe it was for all the sins I have committed against Rufus and Brian. Karma. Bad Karma. That’s all that I could think about. Are you still fucking him? He looked at me, and I looked away. Never mind, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know. And I really didn’t. I wanted to keep every ounce of love I had for Ville left. I didn’t want him to take it. It was almost as if when I broke apart, I saved a small bottle and stored it away. I wanted to love him still; I wanted to need him still. What the fuck was wrong with my mind?
I needed an escape. I didn’t know if I wanted to leave, or where I would even go if I did leave. I rolled my eyes up to the ceiling and thought for a few moments. Razors, I had razors up stairs. I also had a few bumps left. I was out of Xanax except for five pills. I wondered if I could take them all. He talked throughout this whole time. All I wanted was an escape.
I called every airline in Helsinki I could think of. The next flight out won’t be for a couple of days at least. They are all either booked or something I cannot afford. I’ll just do what I have been doing until I am able to leave. Lay in bed with the door locked and pretend to ignore the soft knocking present every so often.