need me a shower
i like being clean.
and yet,
i drag my feet.
perhaps,
it's that i also
need a haircut.
and getting pretty post-shower
it's much more of a hastle
when one's hair
lacks flare.
at least getting dressed
won't be a challenge.
i love when my hamper is empty.
i'm in this airy
mood.
maybe
it's because the AC is full blast
and my turbo fan
is blowing up a storm
fluttering my fake sunflowers around.
-----
i saw my grandpa (and dad and grandma and cousin and his new fiance) this weekend.
his cancer's back again and this time around, it's not looking good.
i saw him over xmas break when everyone was there
but it was much harder because he was emotional
and that was before the chemo.
i'd never seen my strong, farmer grandfather cry.
he hid his face behind a towel and shook.
but this weekend
he was thinner
and weaker
his hair more fair,
but there seemed to be that sparkle back in his eyes.
they've put a hospital bed in the corner of the living room now
i told him i wish i had a a bed like that.
we talked more and he sounded more hoarse
but more spirited too.
i think there's much less pain now.
i came up to see him because my aunt said it's really bad
so i was a little afraid at how sick he might be.
but to me,
he seems better.
i guess how i feel now is
that i'm sad that he's dying
but glad that he's feeling better while he's going
won't be such a tough ride.
i still don't think i really grasp what's going on
or how it'll be when he's gone.
i'm more scared for my grandma.
she's spent her whole life being the perfect country housewife,
who will she care for, who will she feed, who will she eat with, and take walks and bike rides with?
i wonder if she'll go to arizona by herself now.
i would think so, since her friends all go there,
but i think she'd be afraid to travel alone.
maybe she'd drive with another couple.
i think i'll cry a lot when it does happen.
af first i wasn't sure i could, but now i know i will.
my mom will, but she does that.
i can't decide if my dad will.
pretty sure he will in private
i think it'd be good for me to see him cry
i really can't remember ever seeing him before
i'd love him for it if he did
but i don't know if i could take it.
men that don't cry crying is intense and complicated yet
simple.
what a good man my grandpa is.
just wish i'd taken more time
asked more questions
but then
everyone feels that way.
i'm glad i went
not because he was dying
but to see him living and smiling and joking and sleeping and watching the olympics and saying i love you.
he didn't cry once this time
so i didn't either.
and yet,
i drag my feet.
perhaps,
it's that i also
need a haircut.
and getting pretty post-shower
it's much more of a hastle
when one's hair
lacks flare.
at least getting dressed
won't be a challenge.
i love when my hamper is empty.
i'm in this airy
mood.
maybe
it's because the AC is full blast
and my turbo fan
is blowing up a storm
fluttering my fake sunflowers around.
-----
i saw my grandpa (and dad and grandma and cousin and his new fiance) this weekend.
his cancer's back again and this time around, it's not looking good.
i saw him over xmas break when everyone was there
but it was much harder because he was emotional
and that was before the chemo.
i'd never seen my strong, farmer grandfather cry.
he hid his face behind a towel and shook.
but this weekend
he was thinner
and weaker
his hair more fair,
but there seemed to be that sparkle back in his eyes.
they've put a hospital bed in the corner of the living room now
i told him i wish i had a a bed like that.
we talked more and he sounded more hoarse
but more spirited too.
i think there's much less pain now.
i came up to see him because my aunt said it's really bad
so i was a little afraid at how sick he might be.
but to me,
he seems better.
i guess how i feel now is
that i'm sad that he's dying
but glad that he's feeling better while he's going
won't be such a tough ride.
i still don't think i really grasp what's going on
or how it'll be when he's gone.
i'm more scared for my grandma.
she's spent her whole life being the perfect country housewife,
who will she care for, who will she feed, who will she eat with, and take walks and bike rides with?
i wonder if she'll go to arizona by herself now.
i would think so, since her friends all go there,
but i think she'd be afraid to travel alone.
maybe she'd drive with another couple.
i think i'll cry a lot when it does happen.
af first i wasn't sure i could, but now i know i will.
my mom will, but she does that.
i can't decide if my dad will.
pretty sure he will in private
i think it'd be good for me to see him cry
i really can't remember ever seeing him before
i'd love him for it if he did
but i don't know if i could take it.
men that don't cry crying is intense and complicated yet
simple.
what a good man my grandpa is.
just wish i'd taken more time
asked more questions
but then
everyone feels that way.
i'm glad i went
not because he was dying
but to see him living and smiling and joking and sleeping and watching the olympics and saying i love you.
he didn't cry once this time
so i didn't either.