psa: it's hash slinging, sehun
psa: it's hash slinging, sehun
sehun/laura, sehun/jongin, side laura/tseyang | pg-13 | 2.7k
in which sehun and jongin get lost in the woods, and come across a mysterious cabin.
total crack!fic. starring the rest of baekhyun harem and chen cult from tlist.
happy birthday to my dear sehoon! told you i'd write laura/sehun. but i have no idea how that turned into this. enjoy anyway! orz. love you laura! hope you have a great day.
It’s Jongin’s fault. It’s always Jongin’s fault. Who else could they blame?
“You,” says Jongin, stabbing a finger at Sehun’s chest, eyes narrowed, “you were the one who wanted to go hiking through the wilderness, it’s all your fault!”
They’re lost in the woods, and it’s totally not Sehun’s fault.
“Yeah?” challenges Sehun, poking his own finger at Jongin’s forehead, “well, you’re the one holding the map!”
Around them, snow falls in gentle little flakes, sticking to their faces. Absently, Sehun sticks out his tongue, and catches a pretty little snowflake in his mouth. It tastes slightly like pee. Sehun also blames Jongin for this, since Jongin took a leak by the river earlier, and everyone knows where rain comes from.
(What do you mean you don’t? Don’t you know how to fucking Googl- goddammit, snow comes from water in the clouds! The water in the clouds comes from the water on the earth! There you go, assholes. - This has been a public service announcement by Oh Sehun.)
Jongin splutters, and sticks his finger at Sehun’s cheek, pushing his face back and nearly causing him to topple into a snowbank. “Yeah, well, you didn’t charge your phone!”
“Oh yeah?” Sehun sticks his finger up Jongin’s nose in retaliation, and Jongin flails, flapping his arms to keep his balance, grabbing at his backpack to keep it from slipping off his shoulders. “You’re just stupid!”
“You’re stupid!”
“You’re stupider!”
“Well, you’re stupidest!”
“Take that back!” screeches Sehun, “I am not deserving of that title. You are!”
“Both of you shut up,” yells a voice from somewhere in the trees. “You’re giving me a headache.”
They both freeze at the sound. Jongin immediately jumps onto Sehun in fright, shrieking at the mysterious voice that has suddenly appeared out of nowhere. Sehun yelps, and drops him in the snow. “Who the fuck was that?”
Jongin spits out snow and possibly a tooth, and exhales, “What if it’s a ghost?”
“Don’t be silly,” says Sehun, but his own knees are already shaking as he wildly swings his torchlight around the trees. “Who’s out there?”
“What if it’s an axe murderer,” whispers Jongin, eyes wide, clutching at Sehun’s knees and making no move to get up, “what if it’s a zombie, what if it’s the Hash Slinging Slasher?”
“It’s not the Sash Flinging-“
“Hash Slinging.”
“Mash Winging-“
“It’s Hash Slinging, Sehun.”
“It’s not the motherfucking Cash Bringing Zé do Picadinho, okay?” hisses Sehun in frustration, and he nearly screams when his torch shines upon a pair of eyes in the dark. “Oh god, what if it is?”
“Tell my babies I love them,” whimpers Jongin, who’s pulled out his wallet and started lovingly stroking a photo of his three dogs.
“How the fuck am I going to tell them if we both die?”
“You’re not going to die,” says the voice loudly, and a figure steps out into the clearing. Both of them scream approximately twenty-six times. The figure waits patiently for them to stop screaming before continuing. “I’m not the Lash Jingling-“
“Hash Slinging,” interrupts Jongin, and Sehun socks him in the solar plexus, because who’s dumb enough to correct a potential murderer?
(Kim Jongin. Yeah, that’s right, bitches. My best friend is a certified dumbass. Just thought you should know. - This has been a public service announcement by Oh Sehun.)
(I am going to pee on your face in your sleep tonight, Sehun. - This has been a public service announcement by Kim Jongin.)
“Thanks,” says the voice, and Sehun shines his torch back on the figure momentarily, and-
Woah.
His eyes turn into sparkling anime hearts, feet lifting off the ground. He magically sprouts fluffy cotton candy wings and blood starts gushing out of his right nostril-
“Sehun,” says Jongin, nudging him in the side, and Sehun blinks, coming back to attention. “It’s not a zombie! It’s a girl!”
“I know,” says Sehun dreamily, “the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my life.”
“Stop shining the torch in my eyes, assface,” says the girl. A twig flies in the direction of Sehun’s forehead, hitting him square in the face. He goes down sighing, but doesn’t even care, because he’s been touched by an angel. Indirectly. “You guys are gonna attract the moose.”
“But I thought mooses are nice,” says Jongin. “Mooses. Moosi. Meese. Mooses.”
“What a strange deluded boy you are, Kim Jongin.” The girl beckons for them to follow, and turns around. “Come, before you get eaten by rabid squirrels.”
They glance at each other, completely missing the fact that the strange girl knows Jongin’s name. “Do you really think we’ll get eaten by rabid squirrels?” asks Jongin, shivering.
“Yes,” says Sehun, and they immediately follow after the girl, who’s trudging away into the distance.
They continue along, still wondering about the appearance of the strange girl who seems to be leading them deeper into the forest, until they come to a halt at a cosy looking cabin conveniently placed in the middle of nowhere.
“This is my house,” says the girl, waving over her shoulder. “You can stay here for the night if you want. Or get eaten by ravenous wild geese.”
Sehun and Jongin scuttle forward, grabbing at their belongings as they hurry out of the cold and into the sweet, delicious warmth of the wooden cabin, even cosier on the inside. There are several Canadian flags lining the walls, maple leaves strewn everywhere, bottles of syrup placed in every nook and cranny of the cabin, and a giant signboard over the fireplace with the pretty cursive words “IM SRY” crocheted into cloth, right beside a majestic painting of a beaver with a mountie.
“Woah,” says Sehun, “why does this place look so Canadian?”
“You’re in Canada,” says the girl, throwing her coat in the direction of the coat hanger, and shrugging when it falls on the floor instead. “Congratulations on your observational skills.”
“No, we’re not,” says Sehun slowly, “we’re in South Korea.”
“Nope. You’re in Canada.”
“I thought we were in the Himalayas,” says Jongin, “the map lied to me!”
“How did we even walk that far?” Sehun shakes his head. “Never mind. We’ll just stay until the weather clears up, and we’ll make our way back.”
“Oh, that won’t be happening,” says the girl. “The weather never clears up here. Also, you can’t possibly walk back to South Korea.”
“Why not?” says Sehun, feeling more and more terrified by the second, as the girl continues to speak in the most calm voice he’s ever heard, barring Kyungsoo when someone eats one of his cookies fresh out of the oven without his permission.
(It was Jongin. He took the cookie. - This has been a public service announcement by Oh Sehun.)
“Oh, it’s just about 5289.74 miles away,” says the girl, “that’s why.”
“Then how did we get here in the first place?” Sehun nearly tears his hair out in frustration. “This is insane. All I wanted was to go out for a walk so that I could confess my undying love for Kim Jongin with nobody around to disturb my incredibly romantic proposal to him!”
Silence meets his ears.
“Oh,” says Sehun, “that wasn’t an internal monologue, was it?”
The girl just blinks at them, and seemingly moonwalks to the staircase, gaze still on the two of them. “No getting jizz on the couch,” she says as she goes up. Sehun tilts his head, narrowing his eyes. It looks like she’s moving up an escalator. “Pillows are in the closet by the kitchen. Night, kids.”
“Wait,” says Jongin, “we don’t even know your name. Stranger danger!”
“It’s Laura,” says the girl, and Sehun falls even more in love, because of her beautiful name that means-
He pulls out his phone and Googles it.
Sehun sighs dreamily, “Gender: Feminine, Usage: English, Spanish, Italian, Portuguese, Romanian, Finnish, Estonian, Hungarian, Polish, Slovene, Croatian, Swedish, Norwegian, Danish, German, Dutch, Late Roman, Pronounced: LAWR-ə (English), LOW-rah (Spanish, Italian, Polish, German, Dutch), Feminine form of the Late Latin name Laurus, which meant ‘laurel.’” Sehun smiles, and falls backwards onto the bearskin rug, hitting his head on the floor painfully. “Beautiful.”
“Pathetic,” says Jongin, “is what you are. She’s way out of your league. Besides, I thought you liked me.”
“I do,” says Sehun, “but you don’t have the goods like Laura does.”
“What,” says Jongin, squinting at him, “boobs?”
“No,” says Sehun, rolling his eyes, “food.”
They curl up to sleep on the sofa, and in the morning, wake up to a bunch of misshapen objects floating before their eyes.
Sehun blinks blearily, and swats at one of them. It emits a loud ‘oomph’ and swats him back in the nose. Sehun immediately shoots up and clutches at his face. “Watch it,” he shouts, but it comes out more like a slurred, drunken groan, “this face is precious.”
“Aw,” says one of the objects, and he blinks again, and a few faces swim into view. He jumps four feet into the air, and falls on Jongin, who makes the loudest yowl, and topples them both to the floor. “Cute. Let’s keep them.”
“Remember what he said? Resist the temptation.”
“I’m sorry, but,” mumbles Sehun, “who are you all?”
“Oh,” says the nicest looking one, clutching a white teddy bear to her chest, “we’re the harem, and we live here.”
“A harem?” echoes Jongin, “who’s harem?”
“It’s ***whose, you imbecile,” says Sehun. “Are you all living here with Laura?”
“Well, technically the sister cult lives next door,” says the one with the mad scientist hair, “but they keep coming over to eat our food, so yeah, you could say that we all live here together.”
“This is so weird,” says Jongin, “I like it. Let’s live here forever.”
The nice looking one reaches over and pulls out a rolled-up newspaper from thin air, and hits Jongin on the head. “Bad Jongin!” she cries, “stranger danger!”
“Sorry, sorry!” squeaks Jongin, shielding himself from further attacks with his arms raised.
Laura comes floating down the stairs, and comes up to peer at them curiously. “Joining us for breakfast,” she asks, “or will you be hunting your own food?”
“What are our options?”
“Rabid animals, or scrambled eggs.”
The two hurriedly move to the kitchen, the amused group of strange people following behind, eyes on them like predators and prey.
They soon realise that it’s going to be harder to get home than they thought, as nothing seems to come to their minds on how to get back home, and they end up spending more days than expected in the secluded cabin in the middle of the woods, stuffing themselves with food as the cold takes a toll on them.
“Do I look fat in this shirt,” says Jongin on the third day, and everyone immediately goes ‘nooooooooo,’ and the one who keeps talking about writing for 78438573 different fanfiction exchanges-whatever those are-immediately shoves him towards the kitchen, blathering on about eating more food, the poor skinny boy.
Sehun almost thinks it’s weird. As if they’re being fattened for something, with the way they keep eating throughout the day. It’s like they all have four stomachs or something. Like a cow. The one whom everyone says is Laura’s lover really likes cows. But he shoves the thought away and thinks of ways to make Laura his own, regardless of the cow girl.
“I will string you up by your intestines if you touch my Laura,” hisses the cow girl, and Sehun hisses back, but only slightly less intimidating, because he is a cute, innocent maknae, and he has a reputation to protect.
It’s after days of following Laura around like a lovesick puppy that Sehun finally gets his wish, as Laura tugs him into the closet under the stairs one day and pushes him up against the wall.
“Is that an umbrella handle or are you just happy to see me?” purrs Laura.
“An umbrella handle,” says Sehun, and he awkwardly shifts the umbrella away. “What are you doing, Laura, my secret love? I thought you and Tseyang are a thing.”
“We are,” says Laura simply, “but you’re hot, and I want your fat, twink cock more than anything else in this universe. Well, that, and orange juice.”
Sehun splutters, “My what?”
“Just for tonight,” she says, running a hand down his chest. Sehun nearly has a heart attack. “Come on.”
“God, yes,” exhales Sehun, and he throws himself at Laura.
The next day though, everything comes crashing down on Sehun and Jongin, as they are rudely awakened by the group of strange people who live in the cabin, holding knives and ropes and evil grins.
Jongin screams approximately twenty-two times. Sehun just gurgles incoherently. He knew there was something off about them, ever since he walked in on two of them whispering furiously, something about a god, and some orange juice.
“It is time,” intones the mad scientist hair one, “tonight we sacrifice you to our High Lord.”
“You mean this whole thing was a plot to kill us?” Sehun scrambles backwards, and shrieks when someone grabs his arms. “I knew it! I absolutely knew it!”
“No, you didn’t,” says Jongin.
“So you mean you don’t actually love me?” Sehun’s face falls as he looks at Laura, who stares at him passively. “Yesterday meant nothing to you?”
“Of course it did.” She smiles, sharp canines and all. “But I love orange juice more.”
Sehun has absolutely no idea what that’s supposed to mean.
His eyes dart around for the nearest exit, and he sees the door conveniently open and ready for them to run through, and instead of being dumb like he usually does, Sehun dives for the legs of the nearest person, and turns the tables on them in a stereotypically cartoon cloud fashion, complete with multicoloured sparks surrounding the dust, and a series of loud noises that sound most like fake punches.
When the cartoon cloud clears, all of them are groaning on the floor, tied up with their own rope, and sporting bruises and cuts.
“Wow,” says Jongin, “how did you do that?”
“The author got too lazy, wanted some kind of deus ex machina, gave me super cartoon powers,” says Sehun, shrugging, and he grabs Jongin by the sleeve, tugging him away to the door. “Come on, let’s escape before they get up! It always happens in the movies.”
Just as they pass the first step of the porch, a gigantic rumbling noise starts up, and the ground begins to shake. They nearly fall, but regain their balance as they continue to run through the trees, far, far away from the mysterious house in the wilderness. The house in the woods. The cabin in the woods.
The cabin in the woods.
“Jesus Harold Christ,” says Sehun, “we’re in a movie plot, aren’t we? I swear to god, when I find the person who did this-“
They suddenly trip over a branch, and skid through a doorway that’s appeared out of nowhere, and poof! They have suddenly fallen flat on their faces in the hallway of their dorm.
Sehun gets up, and glances around wildly. They’re home. They’re back. They’re away from those crazy, insane people.
“Aw man,” comes a voice from in front of them, and both of them glance up to see Baekhyun leaning against the wall, looking mighty disappointed. “I was hoping they’d finish you off.”
“You did that?” they screech in unison, and Jongin gets up, just to pass out again by the shoe-rack, and he starts snoring into a shoe.
Baekhyun beams. “Yeah. Apparently I’m considered a sort of god there, or something? So is Jongdae, but that’s beside the point. Anyway, I told them to sacrifice you to me, because of the sins you have committed.”
“What sins?” howls Sehun in outrage.
Baekhyun actually looks incredulous. “You drank all the orange juice. What do you mean, what sins? This is unforgivable.”
Sehun’s eye twitches.
(Breaking news, the twelve-member boyband EXO has now become an eleven-member boyband. God bless. - This has been a public service announcement by Oh Sehun.)
(I’m still gonna pee on your face. - This has been a public service announcement by Kim Jongin.)
(Fuck you. - This has been a-oh, screw it, nobody reads these things anyway.)
(Haha.)
(Shut your face.)
The End.
sehun/laura, sehun/jongin, side laura/tseyang | pg-13 | 2.7k
in which sehun and jongin get lost in the woods, and come across a mysterious cabin.
total crack!fic. starring the rest of baekhyun harem and chen cult from tlist.
happy birthday to my dear sehoon! told you i'd write laura/sehun. but i have no idea how that turned into this. enjoy anyway! orz. love you laura! hope you have a great day.
It’s Jongin’s fault. It’s always Jongin’s fault. Who else could they blame?
“You,” says Jongin, stabbing a finger at Sehun’s chest, eyes narrowed, “you were the one who wanted to go hiking through the wilderness, it’s all your fault!”
They’re lost in the woods, and it’s totally not Sehun’s fault.
“Yeah?” challenges Sehun, poking his own finger at Jongin’s forehead, “well, you’re the one holding the map!”
Around them, snow falls in gentle little flakes, sticking to their faces. Absently, Sehun sticks out his tongue, and catches a pretty little snowflake in his mouth. It tastes slightly like pee. Sehun also blames Jongin for this, since Jongin took a leak by the river earlier, and everyone knows where rain comes from.
(What do you mean you don’t? Don’t you know how to fucking Googl- goddammit, snow comes from water in the clouds! The water in the clouds comes from the water on the earth! There you go, assholes. - This has been a public service announcement by Oh Sehun.)
Jongin splutters, and sticks his finger at Sehun’s cheek, pushing his face back and nearly causing him to topple into a snowbank. “Yeah, well, you didn’t charge your phone!”
“Oh yeah?” Sehun sticks his finger up Jongin’s nose in retaliation, and Jongin flails, flapping his arms to keep his balance, grabbing at his backpack to keep it from slipping off his shoulders. “You’re just stupid!”
“You’re stupid!”
“You’re stupider!”
“Well, you’re stupidest!”
“Take that back!” screeches Sehun, “I am not deserving of that title. You are!”
“Both of you shut up,” yells a voice from somewhere in the trees. “You’re giving me a headache.”
They both freeze at the sound. Jongin immediately jumps onto Sehun in fright, shrieking at the mysterious voice that has suddenly appeared out of nowhere. Sehun yelps, and drops him in the snow. “Who the fuck was that?”
Jongin spits out snow and possibly a tooth, and exhales, “What if it’s a ghost?”
“Don’t be silly,” says Sehun, but his own knees are already shaking as he wildly swings his torchlight around the trees. “Who’s out there?”
“What if it’s an axe murderer,” whispers Jongin, eyes wide, clutching at Sehun’s knees and making no move to get up, “what if it’s a zombie, what if it’s the Hash Slinging Slasher?”
“It’s not the Sash Flinging-“
“Hash Slinging.”
“Mash Winging-“
“It’s Hash Slinging, Sehun.”
“It’s not the motherfucking Cash Bringing Zé do Picadinho, okay?” hisses Sehun in frustration, and he nearly screams when his torch shines upon a pair of eyes in the dark. “Oh god, what if it is?”
“Tell my babies I love them,” whimpers Jongin, who’s pulled out his wallet and started lovingly stroking a photo of his three dogs.
“How the fuck am I going to tell them if we both die?”
“You’re not going to die,” says the voice loudly, and a figure steps out into the clearing. Both of them scream approximately twenty-six times. The figure waits patiently for them to stop screaming before continuing. “I’m not the Lash Jingling-“
“Hash Slinging,” interrupts Jongin, and Sehun socks him in the solar plexus, because who’s dumb enough to correct a potential murderer?
(Kim Jongin. Yeah, that’s right, bitches. My best friend is a certified dumbass. Just thought you should know. - This has been a public service announcement by Oh Sehun.)
(I am going to pee on your face in your sleep tonight, Sehun. - This has been a public service announcement by Kim Jongin.)
“Thanks,” says the voice, and Sehun shines his torch back on the figure momentarily, and-
Woah.
His eyes turn into sparkling anime hearts, feet lifting off the ground. He magically sprouts fluffy cotton candy wings and blood starts gushing out of his right nostril-
“Sehun,” says Jongin, nudging him in the side, and Sehun blinks, coming back to attention. “It’s not a zombie! It’s a girl!”
“I know,” says Sehun dreamily, “the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my life.”
“Stop shining the torch in my eyes, assface,” says the girl. A twig flies in the direction of Sehun’s forehead, hitting him square in the face. He goes down sighing, but doesn’t even care, because he’s been touched by an angel. Indirectly. “You guys are gonna attract the moose.”
“But I thought mooses are nice,” says Jongin. “Mooses. Moosi. Meese. Mooses.”
“What a strange deluded boy you are, Kim Jongin.” The girl beckons for them to follow, and turns around. “Come, before you get eaten by rabid squirrels.”
They glance at each other, completely missing the fact that the strange girl knows Jongin’s name. “Do you really think we’ll get eaten by rabid squirrels?” asks Jongin, shivering.
“Yes,” says Sehun, and they immediately follow after the girl, who’s trudging away into the distance.
They continue along, still wondering about the appearance of the strange girl who seems to be leading them deeper into the forest, until they come to a halt at a cosy looking cabin conveniently placed in the middle of nowhere.
“This is my house,” says the girl, waving over her shoulder. “You can stay here for the night if you want. Or get eaten by ravenous wild geese.”
Sehun and Jongin scuttle forward, grabbing at their belongings as they hurry out of the cold and into the sweet, delicious warmth of the wooden cabin, even cosier on the inside. There are several Canadian flags lining the walls, maple leaves strewn everywhere, bottles of syrup placed in every nook and cranny of the cabin, and a giant signboard over the fireplace with the pretty cursive words “IM SRY” crocheted into cloth, right beside a majestic painting of a beaver with a mountie.
“Woah,” says Sehun, “why does this place look so Canadian?”
“You’re in Canada,” says the girl, throwing her coat in the direction of the coat hanger, and shrugging when it falls on the floor instead. “Congratulations on your observational skills.”
“No, we’re not,” says Sehun slowly, “we’re in South Korea.”
“Nope. You’re in Canada.”
“I thought we were in the Himalayas,” says Jongin, “the map lied to me!”
“How did we even walk that far?” Sehun shakes his head. “Never mind. We’ll just stay until the weather clears up, and we’ll make our way back.”
“Oh, that won’t be happening,” says the girl. “The weather never clears up here. Also, you can’t possibly walk back to South Korea.”
“Why not?” says Sehun, feeling more and more terrified by the second, as the girl continues to speak in the most calm voice he’s ever heard, barring Kyungsoo when someone eats one of his cookies fresh out of the oven without his permission.
(It was Jongin. He took the cookie. - This has been a public service announcement by Oh Sehun.)
“Oh, it’s just about 5289.74 miles away,” says the girl, “that’s why.”
“Then how did we get here in the first place?” Sehun nearly tears his hair out in frustration. “This is insane. All I wanted was to go out for a walk so that I could confess my undying love for Kim Jongin with nobody around to disturb my incredibly romantic proposal to him!”
Silence meets his ears.
“Oh,” says Sehun, “that wasn’t an internal monologue, was it?”
The girl just blinks at them, and seemingly moonwalks to the staircase, gaze still on the two of them. “No getting jizz on the couch,” she says as she goes up. Sehun tilts his head, narrowing his eyes. It looks like she’s moving up an escalator. “Pillows are in the closet by the kitchen. Night, kids.”
“Wait,” says Jongin, “we don’t even know your name. Stranger danger!”
“It’s Laura,” says the girl, and Sehun falls even more in love, because of her beautiful name that means-
He pulls out his phone and Googles it.
Sehun sighs dreamily, “Gender: Feminine, Usage: English, Spanish, Italian, Portuguese, Romanian, Finnish, Estonian, Hungarian, Polish, Slovene, Croatian, Swedish, Norwegian, Danish, German, Dutch, Late Roman, Pronounced: LAWR-ə (English), LOW-rah (Spanish, Italian, Polish, German, Dutch), Feminine form of the Late Latin name Laurus, which meant ‘laurel.’” Sehun smiles, and falls backwards onto the bearskin rug, hitting his head on the floor painfully. “Beautiful.”
“Pathetic,” says Jongin, “is what you are. She’s way out of your league. Besides, I thought you liked me.”
“I do,” says Sehun, “but you don’t have the goods like Laura does.”
“What,” says Jongin, squinting at him, “boobs?”
“No,” says Sehun, rolling his eyes, “food.”
They curl up to sleep on the sofa, and in the morning, wake up to a bunch of misshapen objects floating before their eyes.
Sehun blinks blearily, and swats at one of them. It emits a loud ‘oomph’ and swats him back in the nose. Sehun immediately shoots up and clutches at his face. “Watch it,” he shouts, but it comes out more like a slurred, drunken groan, “this face is precious.”
“Aw,” says one of the objects, and he blinks again, and a few faces swim into view. He jumps four feet into the air, and falls on Jongin, who makes the loudest yowl, and topples them both to the floor. “Cute. Let’s keep them.”
“Remember what he said? Resist the temptation.”
“I’m sorry, but,” mumbles Sehun, “who are you all?”
“Oh,” says the nicest looking one, clutching a white teddy bear to her chest, “we’re the harem, and we live here.”
“A harem?” echoes Jongin, “who’s harem?”
“It’s ***whose, you imbecile,” says Sehun. “Are you all living here with Laura?”
“Well, technically the sister cult lives next door,” says the one with the mad scientist hair, “but they keep coming over to eat our food, so yeah, you could say that we all live here together.”
“This is so weird,” says Jongin, “I like it. Let’s live here forever.”
The nice looking one reaches over and pulls out a rolled-up newspaper from thin air, and hits Jongin on the head. “Bad Jongin!” she cries, “stranger danger!”
“Sorry, sorry!” squeaks Jongin, shielding himself from further attacks with his arms raised.
Laura comes floating down the stairs, and comes up to peer at them curiously. “Joining us for breakfast,” she asks, “or will you be hunting your own food?”
“What are our options?”
“Rabid animals, or scrambled eggs.”
The two hurriedly move to the kitchen, the amused group of strange people following behind, eyes on them like predators and prey.
They soon realise that it’s going to be harder to get home than they thought, as nothing seems to come to their minds on how to get back home, and they end up spending more days than expected in the secluded cabin in the middle of the woods, stuffing themselves with food as the cold takes a toll on them.
“Do I look fat in this shirt,” says Jongin on the third day, and everyone immediately goes ‘nooooooooo,’ and the one who keeps talking about writing for 78438573 different fanfiction exchanges-whatever those are-immediately shoves him towards the kitchen, blathering on about eating more food, the poor skinny boy.
Sehun almost thinks it’s weird. As if they’re being fattened for something, with the way they keep eating throughout the day. It’s like they all have four stomachs or something. Like a cow. The one whom everyone says is Laura’s lover really likes cows. But he shoves the thought away and thinks of ways to make Laura his own, regardless of the cow girl.
“I will string you up by your intestines if you touch my Laura,” hisses the cow girl, and Sehun hisses back, but only slightly less intimidating, because he is a cute, innocent maknae, and he has a reputation to protect.
It’s after days of following Laura around like a lovesick puppy that Sehun finally gets his wish, as Laura tugs him into the closet under the stairs one day and pushes him up against the wall.
“Is that an umbrella handle or are you just happy to see me?” purrs Laura.
“An umbrella handle,” says Sehun, and he awkwardly shifts the umbrella away. “What are you doing, Laura, my secret love? I thought you and Tseyang are a thing.”
“We are,” says Laura simply, “but you’re hot, and I want your fat, twink cock more than anything else in this universe. Well, that, and orange juice.”
Sehun splutters, “My what?”
“Just for tonight,” she says, running a hand down his chest. Sehun nearly has a heart attack. “Come on.”
“God, yes,” exhales Sehun, and he throws himself at Laura.
The next day though, everything comes crashing down on Sehun and Jongin, as they are rudely awakened by the group of strange people who live in the cabin, holding knives and ropes and evil grins.
Jongin screams approximately twenty-two times. Sehun just gurgles incoherently. He knew there was something off about them, ever since he walked in on two of them whispering furiously, something about a god, and some orange juice.
“It is time,” intones the mad scientist hair one, “tonight we sacrifice you to our High Lord.”
“You mean this whole thing was a plot to kill us?” Sehun scrambles backwards, and shrieks when someone grabs his arms. “I knew it! I absolutely knew it!”
“No, you didn’t,” says Jongin.
“So you mean you don’t actually love me?” Sehun’s face falls as he looks at Laura, who stares at him passively. “Yesterday meant nothing to you?”
“Of course it did.” She smiles, sharp canines and all. “But I love orange juice more.”
Sehun has absolutely no idea what that’s supposed to mean.
His eyes dart around for the nearest exit, and he sees the door conveniently open and ready for them to run through, and instead of being dumb like he usually does, Sehun dives for the legs of the nearest person, and turns the tables on them in a stereotypically cartoon cloud fashion, complete with multicoloured sparks surrounding the dust, and a series of loud noises that sound most like fake punches.
When the cartoon cloud clears, all of them are groaning on the floor, tied up with their own rope, and sporting bruises and cuts.
“Wow,” says Jongin, “how did you do that?”
“The author got too lazy, wanted some kind of deus ex machina, gave me super cartoon powers,” says Sehun, shrugging, and he grabs Jongin by the sleeve, tugging him away to the door. “Come on, let’s escape before they get up! It always happens in the movies.”
Just as they pass the first step of the porch, a gigantic rumbling noise starts up, and the ground begins to shake. They nearly fall, but regain their balance as they continue to run through the trees, far, far away from the mysterious house in the wilderness. The house in the woods. The cabin in the woods.
The cabin in the woods.
“Jesus Harold Christ,” says Sehun, “we’re in a movie plot, aren’t we? I swear to god, when I find the person who did this-“
They suddenly trip over a branch, and skid through a doorway that’s appeared out of nowhere, and poof! They have suddenly fallen flat on their faces in the hallway of their dorm.
Sehun gets up, and glances around wildly. They’re home. They’re back. They’re away from those crazy, insane people.
“Aw man,” comes a voice from in front of them, and both of them glance up to see Baekhyun leaning against the wall, looking mighty disappointed. “I was hoping they’d finish you off.”
“You did that?” they screech in unison, and Jongin gets up, just to pass out again by the shoe-rack, and he starts snoring into a shoe.
Baekhyun beams. “Yeah. Apparently I’m considered a sort of god there, or something? So is Jongdae, but that’s beside the point. Anyway, I told them to sacrifice you to me, because of the sins you have committed.”
“What sins?” howls Sehun in outrage.
Baekhyun actually looks incredulous. “You drank all the orange juice. What do you mean, what sins? This is unforgivable.”
Sehun’s eye twitches.
(Breaking news, the twelve-member boyband EXO has now become an eleven-member boyband. God bless. - This has been a public service announcement by Oh Sehun.)
(I’m still gonna pee on your face. - This has been a public service announcement by Kim Jongin.)
(Fuck you. - This has been a-oh, screw it, nobody reads these things anyway.)
(Haha.)
(Shut your face.)
The End.