*2017*
2017
Someday I hope know I will look back on this year and be proud that I was able to get through it in one piece...
It's the middle of the night and I've only slept a couple of hours and now I'm wide awake again. Just like last night and the night before that, but this night is different. Later today I know I have to console yet another one of my best friends with a broken heart. And I'm sitting here thinking, how am I going to do this?
Earlier this year my best friend Katie's Mom died suddenly in her sleep. Katie is the one who found her that morning and I know will forever be scarred from it. Katie's Mom was like a second mother to me so not only did it break my heart but seeing Katie & her younger sister Kelly absolutely devastated broke me. And that was just the beginning of what 2017 had to offer me...
I'm not even going to get into how awful my job was in the spring/summer but when my Mom finally confided in me about my brothers addiction to heroin I felt like a walking zombie on the jobsite. All I wanted to do was cry or just not go to work at all. I felt like this black cloud was over me and it wasn't going to go away.
But then it did start to go away and I felt like I was able to process my anger towards my brother and just try and be there for my Mom.
And just when I thought things were starting to calm down, July 11th my Uncle Bobby had a heart attack and died at 58. My cousin Kainoa was the one who performed CPR so that my uncle was able to make it to the hospital but once he got there he coded on the table. I can't imagine having to go through that as a son. The funeral wasn't until August 25th but it was like ripping a band aid off once again. This death was a major blow to my family. Seeing my cousin Kainoa in so much pain, and even seeing my brother cry at the casket before the burial broke me down just a little more.
I was laid off from my job right before the funeral and I was actually kind of happy about it at the time. Now I know it was meant to be...
What's a shame is that I was finally coming to terms with everything that has happened this year. I felt like I could breath again and just cope with all the loss. I was wrong...
September 18th my other best friend Liz called me in the morning absolutely devastated. Her other best friend Sam had a seizure and hit her head & died. 33 years old. I'm going there later today to just be there for her during this awful time & just thinking about it makes me cry.
Not too long after my phone call with Liz I called my Mom to tell her the news as well, and just vent to her. She wasn't in a very good mood, she hasn't been all year & understand why. My brother's in jail AGAIN and she's gotta clean out his apartment. I offer to help her because she's so stressed out these days I'm scared for her health as well. As we're filling the last trash bag with food from the fridge she finds a syringe, half filled with some kinda liquid I can only guess and she chucks it. (Don't worry, it had a cap on it & was inside of a case. Thinking about it now it may have been insulin but I highly doubt it.) She goes into the kitchen to double check the cabinets and I felt like the room was going to start spinning. I calmed myself down for the sake of my mom and just helped her finish the job.
But now it's 4am and I'm awake with all of these thoughts and no one to talk to. The only way to describe this year is like swimming and getting constantly knocked under, wave after wave. Just when I think it's safe to breath again another wave comes to knock me down. I would never do anything to hurt myself again but boy have those thoughts come creeping back into play over and over again.
Maybe I should really start writing in here more often, just getting this all out really helped. I think I'll try and go back to sleep now...
Someday I hope know I will look back on this year and be proud that I was able to get through it in one piece...
It's the middle of the night and I've only slept a couple of hours and now I'm wide awake again. Just like last night and the night before that, but this night is different. Later today I know I have to console yet another one of my best friends with a broken heart. And I'm sitting here thinking, how am I going to do this?
Earlier this year my best friend Katie's Mom died suddenly in her sleep. Katie is the one who found her that morning and I know will forever be scarred from it. Katie's Mom was like a second mother to me so not only did it break my heart but seeing Katie & her younger sister Kelly absolutely devastated broke me. And that was just the beginning of what 2017 had to offer me...
I'm not even going to get into how awful my job was in the spring/summer but when my Mom finally confided in me about my brothers addiction to heroin I felt like a walking zombie on the jobsite. All I wanted to do was cry or just not go to work at all. I felt like this black cloud was over me and it wasn't going to go away.
But then it did start to go away and I felt like I was able to process my anger towards my brother and just try and be there for my Mom.
And just when I thought things were starting to calm down, July 11th my Uncle Bobby had a heart attack and died at 58. My cousin Kainoa was the one who performed CPR so that my uncle was able to make it to the hospital but once he got there he coded on the table. I can't imagine having to go through that as a son. The funeral wasn't until August 25th but it was like ripping a band aid off once again. This death was a major blow to my family. Seeing my cousin Kainoa in so much pain, and even seeing my brother cry at the casket before the burial broke me down just a little more.
I was laid off from my job right before the funeral and I was actually kind of happy about it at the time. Now I know it was meant to be...
What's a shame is that I was finally coming to terms with everything that has happened this year. I felt like I could breath again and just cope with all the loss. I was wrong...
September 18th my other best friend Liz called me in the morning absolutely devastated. Her other best friend Sam had a seizure and hit her head & died. 33 years old. I'm going there later today to just be there for her during this awful time & just thinking about it makes me cry.
Not too long after my phone call with Liz I called my Mom to tell her the news as well, and just vent to her. She wasn't in a very good mood, she hasn't been all year & understand why. My brother's in jail AGAIN and she's gotta clean out his apartment. I offer to help her because she's so stressed out these days I'm scared for her health as well. As we're filling the last trash bag with food from the fridge she finds a syringe, half filled with some kinda liquid I can only guess and she chucks it. (Don't worry, it had a cap on it & was inside of a case. Thinking about it now it may have been insulin but I highly doubt it.) She goes into the kitchen to double check the cabinets and I felt like the room was going to start spinning. I calmed myself down for the sake of my mom and just helped her finish the job.
But now it's 4am and I'm awake with all of these thoughts and no one to talk to. The only way to describe this year is like swimming and getting constantly knocked under, wave after wave. Just when I think it's safe to breath again another wave comes to knock me down. I would never do anything to hurt myself again but boy have those thoughts come creeping back into play over and over again.
Maybe I should really start writing in here more often, just getting this all out really helped. I think I'll try and go back to sleep now...