Mixtape #1 - Training In Vain
This is the first of a continuing Muxtape 8tracks Mixtape project I've had brewing in my head for a while. The idea is basically a mix tape essay, with music and poetry to accompany my words and ideas. I'm shooting for at least monthly if not bi weekly on this project. The track listing will not be listed anywhere but the comments section of each accompanying post to keep the listener pure to the mix until they've listened to it.
EDIT: Muxtape is down for the forseeable future, solution found at 8Tracks. I like their interface better anyway.
Mix Tape Project Volume 1:
Training In Vain
Oddly, for my first foray into this music essay, I've chosen an immensely personal subject that has stuck with me for quite some time now: my first major romantic relationship. In it's basics, the mix is a chronological record of our relationship. But the way it's set up, each of the songs is to represent a particular part of the relationship. The first song is very much my mind set before stumbling upon the thing that I thought I wanted more than anything else. I was a mess, I was neurotic (not that I wasn't afterward, either), and I was depressed. I was not helping myself get better, I was fixating on being in a relationship, I was turning on the screw.
I had a friend who I had known for a few years at that point, and she was basically telling me that she was interested in me at some point. Problem was, she had a boyfriend, and couldn't just tell me how she felt. One night, while on the phone, I basically told her everything I felt about the situation. By coincidence, her boyfriend broke up with her the next day. Of course, when we started dating less than a month later, he called her out as a cheat and a whore, but he was long gone.
The first few weeks of our relationship was spent almost exclusively with each other. Rarely did we see even mutual friends, only each other. She became all important in a very short period of time. I sequestered myself away from my friends, lost many of them, because of the relationship.
During the middle part of the relationship, we very nearly broke up every three months or so. She would come to me and say "You don't understand this about me", or "You do this that pisses me off". Eventually, I would always keep her from ending the relationship, often because she was unjustified in her argument or simply wrong, so for months it went on like that. Her trying to struggle away, but being too attached to get away.
So it came down to us being together, but neither of us happy about it. For a long time. I wanted her around, but I didn't know why. I wanted her to care about me, but again, I didn't want to care about her anymore. I just did anyway. So that leads to us being in twined, but at the same time, wanting an irrational love to continue.
Okay, so the middle song on this mix seems like kind of a cop out. One of the most famous love songs of the '90s right in the middle of the whole thing? Lame. But it had significance to us, more than we even realized. The song is about staying in a certain place with someone forever, and we allowed that to happen even though it was hurting the both of us. More than that, it was "our song" (as sappy as that sounds). We even saw the band that performs it, and kissed while they were playing it. It was a great show, too.
This is the down slide of the relationship. She was incredibly selfish. She took what she needed of people, mostly her family, and resented giving anything back. If she could have broken that cycle, she would have saved the people she cared about from herself. As far as I know, she could still be acting that way. When it came down to the end, I looked at everything I had, and I realized that it was everything but the thing I wanted to begin with: companionship. She resented me for wanting things from her, and she never gave me anything. By the time she broke up with me, I had nothing of what I imagined I would gain from the relationship. When I called her, there was no one home.
So when it came to the end, she broke every promise she ever made to me. She took any of the self esteem I gained from having someone in my life like that, and she left me alone and broken. I felt bad for a long, long time. I remembered her touch, her closeness so well, but it slowly faded. I have not shared my bed since then. I felt betrayed and lied to. It was a year and a half of training in vain.
So, after all was said and done, I was better not having her in my life. I felt terrible for so long that I was with her, that licking the wounds of defeat were almost better than having her continue to suck away my will to live. I felt worse being with her than I did not having her in my life.
Loneliness is nothing in comparison to being drained of any reason to do anything but accommodate one person.
I promise to make these more interesting in the future. The next one will be about social justice or something relevant, I swear.
TCR
EDIT: Muxtape is down for the forseeable future, solution found at 8Tracks. I like their interface better anyway.
Mix Tape Project Volume 1:
Training In Vain
Oddly, for my first foray into this music essay, I've chosen an immensely personal subject that has stuck with me for quite some time now: my first major romantic relationship. In it's basics, the mix is a chronological record of our relationship. But the way it's set up, each of the songs is to represent a particular part of the relationship. The first song is very much my mind set before stumbling upon the thing that I thought I wanted more than anything else. I was a mess, I was neurotic (not that I wasn't afterward, either), and I was depressed. I was not helping myself get better, I was fixating on being in a relationship, I was turning on the screw.
I had a friend who I had known for a few years at that point, and she was basically telling me that she was interested in me at some point. Problem was, she had a boyfriend, and couldn't just tell me how she felt. One night, while on the phone, I basically told her everything I felt about the situation. By coincidence, her boyfriend broke up with her the next day. Of course, when we started dating less than a month later, he called her out as a cheat and a whore, but he was long gone.
The first few weeks of our relationship was spent almost exclusively with each other. Rarely did we see even mutual friends, only each other. She became all important in a very short period of time. I sequestered myself away from my friends, lost many of them, because of the relationship.
During the middle part of the relationship, we very nearly broke up every three months or so. She would come to me and say "You don't understand this about me", or "You do this that pisses me off". Eventually, I would always keep her from ending the relationship, often because she was unjustified in her argument or simply wrong, so for months it went on like that. Her trying to struggle away, but being too attached to get away.
So it came down to us being together, but neither of us happy about it. For a long time. I wanted her around, but I didn't know why. I wanted her to care about me, but again, I didn't want to care about her anymore. I just did anyway. So that leads to us being in twined, but at the same time, wanting an irrational love to continue.
Okay, so the middle song on this mix seems like kind of a cop out. One of the most famous love songs of the '90s right in the middle of the whole thing? Lame. But it had significance to us, more than we even realized. The song is about staying in a certain place with someone forever, and we allowed that to happen even though it was hurting the both of us. More than that, it was "our song" (as sappy as that sounds). We even saw the band that performs it, and kissed while they were playing it. It was a great show, too.
This is the down slide of the relationship. She was incredibly selfish. She took what she needed of people, mostly her family, and resented giving anything back. If she could have broken that cycle, she would have saved the people she cared about from herself. As far as I know, she could still be acting that way. When it came down to the end, I looked at everything I had, and I realized that it was everything but the thing I wanted to begin with: companionship. She resented me for wanting things from her, and she never gave me anything. By the time she broke up with me, I had nothing of what I imagined I would gain from the relationship. When I called her, there was no one home.
So when it came to the end, she broke every promise she ever made to me. She took any of the self esteem I gained from having someone in my life like that, and she left me alone and broken. I felt bad for a long, long time. I remembered her touch, her closeness so well, but it slowly faded. I have not shared my bed since then. I felt betrayed and lied to. It was a year and a half of training in vain.
So, after all was said and done, I was better not having her in my life. I felt terrible for so long that I was with her, that licking the wounds of defeat were almost better than having her continue to suck away my will to live. I felt worse being with her than I did not having her in my life.
Loneliness is nothing in comparison to being drained of any reason to do anything but accommodate one person.
I promise to make these more interesting in the future. The next one will be about social justice or something relevant, I swear.
TCR