[break loose ranch] jensen meta: it's a thing that's strong
A very long time ago castalie asked me to do this meme for Break Loose Jensen. As Jen will he got...well, I'd say eloquent, but I'll leave that up to you. Since it's somewhere between fic and meta, you get a title and everything.
Title: it's a thing that's strong
Fandom: CWRPS, J2
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
AU: Break Loose Ranch
Words: 2597
Summary: A questions meme. There's probably not much here that surprises anyone, except the fact that I wrote it at all.
A/N: For castalie and everyone else who makes returning to Break Loose the most beautiful option.
1. What would your character kill for? What would they die for?
Jensen's not a killer. He just doesn't have it in him. That's not to say he wouldn't, if someone hurt Jay or Chris or Steve or any of the boys now really. Or if someone touched one of the girls wrong, or not even God can help someone who laid a finger on either of their mamas, but mostly Jen figures he's never gonna find out if he could pull a trigger, 'cause Jay'll make sure there's never a need. And if not Jay, then Chris, and if not Chris, then Steve, and if not Steve, then Dave. Hell, he figures at this point, even Chad would kill for him, but he'll be damned if he can work out how that happened.
And fuck, man, if you think they won't let him find out whether he could kill, those toppy sons of bitches won't ever let him die. Seriously, fucking Jay's damn near forbidden it.
2. What would they refuse to do under any circumstances? Why?
Cheat on Jay. Won't ever happen, not ever. Sure, fine, aliens could make him do it, and maybe he'd do it to save Jay's life, maybe. But thing is, the way Jay loves, it'd be killing him sure as a bullet and a helluva lot messier. But even while he's saying that he can hear Jay telling him, "Stay alive," and his brain adds, "I will find you," like the goddamned Last of the Mohicans, romance hero that his toppy bastard is. So maybe he would, life or death, but never for any other reason. That goes for lying to him too, or hurting him, or hurting one of his animals or...yeah, you're seeing it. What they have, it comes before everything. Even his mama and daddy know it now, and now that he's got it, he won't do anything to screw it up.
3. What do they dream about?
Jenny dreams about music mostly. He hears it in his sleep. Old songs, new ones, gigs he hasn't played yet, gigs he missed on account of James. Sometimes he dreams about James, too, but those are nightmares. Not dreams. Waking and sleeping. Jay's gotten real good at knowing when James is on his mind, always right there behind him, faster than a rattler strike, to wrap his arms around and keep him close, and Jen loves him for it. Loves the strength of Jay, and the golden light and warmth of him. The pure, church on Sunday, O.J. for breakfast, please and thank you ma'am to mama, but still a goddamned corkscrew goodness of him. So he dreams about that, too, about Jay and a forever with him that's filled with music.
And if you don't know how significant that is, him trusting anything enough to dream about it, well, then, you haven't been paying attention.
4. What’s their biggest fear?
Do you even have to ask that, really? C'mon now, seriously. Jen's afraid of losing Jared. He's afraid, deep-down in the dark, dank and cold of his soul that one day Jay's gonna open his eyes and wonder just what the hell he's been doing with a broken sonuvabitch like Jen for all these months and hang him out to dry. Or just that he'll wake up one day and Jay'll be gone somehow. Left, or with someone else, or dead.
The thing is, the damnedest thing is, he's not so afraid of it anymore. Maybe Chris is right and Jay's dick's some kinda magic. Maybe he's getting more whole and stronger and he could handle losing Jay. Or maybe Steve and Dave are when they say it's good to see him trusting himself again.
Jen, though, he thinks it's just plain Jared. Goddamned Jay, opening to the doors to the dungeon and filling it up with light.
5. What single object would they be most hard pressed to part with? Why?
The guitar Jay gave him. Hands down, no contest. Nothing he owns means as much to him as that. It's not just parting with it either. Jen protects that guitar like a precious little sister still in confirmation white. It's never out of tune. Never has a speck of dust. Always gets set aside, careful, in the cradle of his hands - even when Jay's coming down over him, thunder and lightning and summer storm heat, he knows to wait for Jen to rest that guitar somewhere those miles of arms and legs won't hurt it.
It started out, maybe, as being afraid if he broke it or scratched it, Jay would be pissed at him. Holler at him for being careless and take it to mean Jen didn't respect him proper. Maybe. But Jay caught him at that somewhere about the second day after Christmas, pulled him into his lap and kissed it out of him. Told him straight out, if it got banged up or stomped on or broke, they'd buy another.
So Jen stopped acting like a domestic abuse victim (about that, anyway), but he didn't stop treating that guitar like gold. Like tangible proof of Jared's love. His boy gave him music, and he's not ever letting anyone take it away.
6. What is their fondest memory?
Jared kneeling in that pool of light mixing bran mash for his horses before taking time for them. Jared being Jared. Taking care of what’s his. Completely unselfconscious, with hay in his hair and horse slobber on his shirt, and absorbed in the simple tasks of chopping and mixing, inhaling good, innocent, wholesome things - carrots, apples, and bran - and smiling like nothing in the world was better. Right up until he tilted his head to catch Jen with his gaze, and then that smile had nothing on the easy, genuine warmth and depth of the one that was for Jen.
Yeah, see, he has a lot of amazing memories of being with Jared. But that one, of Jared being the giant, good-hearted kid that he is, wrapped up in doing something he loves, and Jen still being something so much better? Best. Definitely.
7. What is their worst memory?
Jen’s not talking about that. He’s just not. Chris knows. And Steve’s heard. Dave probably picked up bits here and there. And Jay’s starting to get the details, a few at a time, when Jen can talk without choking on the words. But you’re not any of them, and he’s not talking about that night. Not with you. Not yet.
8. What or who was were their most significant influence? Expound.
There’s good and bad influences. And musical, artistic, sexual, life. It’s not a question he’s good with answering on the fly. It kind of depends on the day or even the moment. But he’s kinda got a thing for Van Morrison when it comes to music, the Beatles (Norwegian Wood, man, it’s a nearly perfect melody), Robert Johnson, Plant and Page. Acting, James Dean kinda inspired his Dean Winchester, but Van Der Beek’s outta-nowhere Sam just screwed that to hell and back. Don’t tell them, but Tommy, Mikey, Chris and Dave actually helped him out a lot, showed him the way, with Smallville and Angel and all. Sexually...well Diego taught him about being on the downlow and that guys didn’t kiss other guys. Kissing was for girls. Van Der Beek...he’s not talking about that.
And Jay...his entire life’s talking about that now. Every time he tips his head, he can feel the pull of a possessive bruise on his throat. Every time he sits, he can feel Jay deep. But it’s more than that. It’s thinking about Jared and thinking about kissing before blow jobs, holding hands and being held. Not being afraid to look in his eyes because he trusts what he’s going to see there.
So, yeah, it’s not like you didn’t guess it, but Jay’s probably the biggest influence, most significant now. Not to take anything away from his boys Chris and Steve, but there’s a difference between the friends that pat him on the shoulder or buy him beers and the arms that make him safe.
9. What do they believe makes a successful life?
For the longest time, Jen didn’t really think about it, you know. Life was just something he thought he was doing well if he got through instead of needing to get over it all the time. If he managed a year with no new scars, he called it done and moved on. If he got a few new scars, he slathered on the beer and whiskey and called it done and moved on.
Now, he’s starting to think about it again. What it might feel like to feel good about a life instead of a night, a week, a year. But believing in a successful life means believing in a future, and Jay and the boys are just getting him to the point that he can do that. Where it’s okay to want something and go after it with a whole heart.
That makes it sound like he’s never wanted anything and gone for it, which isn’t true. He worked damned hard at his career and he was good at it too. But he wanted something else all that time. Happily ever after and forever, music and laughter, friends, family and him. Now he’s got his fantasy man to come home to at the end of the day, and the friends and family to share it and him with. He’s working on the music.
Successful’s a hard word for a guy who’s been abused for just trying, but he’s thinking about it. And that’s a start.
10. What makes them laugh?
The weanlings playing at being grown. Jay playing at being one of them. Mikey pretending like none of them know Tommy’s got him trussed six ways and a seventh on Sunday inside their tent. Chris trying to act Alpha over Dave. Steve and Chad poking each other like third graders and pulling each others’ pigtails. Eliza putting them both in their place. Tahmoh putting her in hers. Misha talking about sex, butterflies and My Little Pony when he’s high. Chris and Steve forgetting anything but the chorus of Sweet Home Alabama and singing that fifty times in a row. Adam Sandler, Steven Colbert, John Stewart, and Chris’s brand new costars Beth and Aldis doing Kane impressions.
It’s still a pretty short list, but he laughs at a lot more stuff than he used to.
11. What are their religious views?
That night, Jen prayed God would either help him out or just let him die. For the longest time, he was pretty damned sure if there was a God, the motherless bastard had done neither.
But then things started changing for him. Singing with Chris and Steve. Jobs he didn’t have to suck dick to get. Sober days that didn’t suck sweaty donkey balls. Drunk nights that didn’t end in tears. Getting high without getting lost in the nightmares in his own head. Remembering mama’s birthday for the first time in years and actually getting his ass home for it; writing her a new song. Meeting Jay.
Going away and coming back and Jay still being Jay. Staying away more than six months and coming back and Jay still being Jay. Jay calling him baby and kissing his throat soft as a summer breeze and maple syrup sweet. Jay hanging him off the fence and riding him hard and raw. Jay telling stories about his mama, Jay’s head cocking to catch the sound of the Soleri bells Jen gave him, Jay giving him a leg up onto the mare he gave Jen.
For a long time, Jen was agnostic and vaguely hostile to the idea of there being a God.
Now, he looks out over the Break Loose, coffee in hand, Jay behind him, in the mornings when the sun comes up over the river that winds through it, and he can’t believe he ever doubted it.
12. What is their greatest strength?
If you ask him, Jensen’s made of weaknesses, not strength, but he’s full of shit. Or maybe he actually believes that load of bull. Better believe Jay and Chris are working on that.
And you could ask Jay, but he’s not exactly what you’d call objective when it comes to his baby. Still, he’d tell you straight up, forgiveness is both Jen’s greatest strength and his greatest weakness. He’s damned good at letting go of the stupid jackass things Jay does and remembering how much they love. But he forgave Van Der Beek too for way too damned long (even a breath was too damned long) and got himself hurt because of it.
Chad’ll tell you, and he’s most objective of all, really, that Jensen’s strength is his capacity for love. Giving it, taking it, holding on to it with both hands. Most people get twisted up about it, about labels and positions, how you get it and who from. But Jen, once you get to know him, he gets to trust you, and get past the freaking phalanx (Eliza taught him the word, cool as shit isn’t it?) that guards him, he takes it how you give it and gives it back with interest.
Chris’d call that loyalty. Stick-to-it-iveness. Once Jen loves you, he’s never letting go. Not ever.
13. Do they have a fatal flaw? If so, what is it?
Like most people, Jen’s fatal flaw is the same as his greatest strength. He loves so hard and so well, and with so much of himself, that in the absence of what or whom he loves, there’s a danger there’s nothing left of him. He’d do and has done insanely stupid things for love, or what he thought was love.
Actually, though, put another way, Jen’s fatal flaw is his lack of self-worth. It makes him sweet and sensitive and always surprised by the way Jay loves him and how much he means to Jay. But he’s also always susceptible to the argument that he’s disposable. Just a set of holes to fuck, someone to spend love and money on, not special or unique, or indispensable. Just Jensen.
Jay’s working on that though. Everyday. He’s not combating the fact he’s “just Jensen”, ‘cause “just Jensen” is who Jay wants, who he needs, who he loves. “Just Jensen” is better than any of the roles he plays and he doesn’t need to be anything else. “Just Jensen” is someone pretty damned special.
And if he ever really gets Jen to believe it, deep down and real, then they can talk about some of Jen’s other flaws. Like leaving the coffeepot on until it burns to the bottom. Or the snoring. Or the godawful morning breath. ‘Cause as far as his eye can see, not much else wrong with his baby. Just a bunch of things that make him Jensen.
14. Who is the most important person in their life?
Guess. Go on. He’ll give you ten and the first nine don’t count.
15. If they died, who would miss them most? How would they die?
He’s not dying. Didn’t you hear? Goddamned toppy bastard’s never gonna let him.
Title: it's a thing that's strong
Fandom: CWRPS, J2
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
AU: Break Loose Ranch
Words: 2597
Summary: A questions meme. There's probably not much here that surprises anyone, except the fact that I wrote it at all.
A/N: For castalie and everyone else who makes returning to Break Loose the most beautiful option.
1. What would your character kill for? What would they die for?
Jensen's not a killer. He just doesn't have it in him. That's not to say he wouldn't, if someone hurt Jay or Chris or Steve or any of the boys now really. Or if someone touched one of the girls wrong, or not even God can help someone who laid a finger on either of their mamas, but mostly Jen figures he's never gonna find out if he could pull a trigger, 'cause Jay'll make sure there's never a need. And if not Jay, then Chris, and if not Chris, then Steve, and if not Steve, then Dave. Hell, he figures at this point, even Chad would kill for him, but he'll be damned if he can work out how that happened.
And fuck, man, if you think they won't let him find out whether he could kill, those toppy sons of bitches won't ever let him die. Seriously, fucking Jay's damn near forbidden it.
2. What would they refuse to do under any circumstances? Why?
Cheat on Jay. Won't ever happen, not ever. Sure, fine, aliens could make him do it, and maybe he'd do it to save Jay's life, maybe. But thing is, the way Jay loves, it'd be killing him sure as a bullet and a helluva lot messier. But even while he's saying that he can hear Jay telling him, "Stay alive," and his brain adds, "I will find you," like the goddamned Last of the Mohicans, romance hero that his toppy bastard is. So maybe he would, life or death, but never for any other reason. That goes for lying to him too, or hurting him, or hurting one of his animals or...yeah, you're seeing it. What they have, it comes before everything. Even his mama and daddy know it now, and now that he's got it, he won't do anything to screw it up.
3. What do they dream about?
Jenny dreams about music mostly. He hears it in his sleep. Old songs, new ones, gigs he hasn't played yet, gigs he missed on account of James. Sometimes he dreams about James, too, but those are nightmares. Not dreams. Waking and sleeping. Jay's gotten real good at knowing when James is on his mind, always right there behind him, faster than a rattler strike, to wrap his arms around and keep him close, and Jen loves him for it. Loves the strength of Jay, and the golden light and warmth of him. The pure, church on Sunday, O.J. for breakfast, please and thank you ma'am to mama, but still a goddamned corkscrew goodness of him. So he dreams about that, too, about Jay and a forever with him that's filled with music.
And if you don't know how significant that is, him trusting anything enough to dream about it, well, then, you haven't been paying attention.
4. What’s their biggest fear?
Do you even have to ask that, really? C'mon now, seriously. Jen's afraid of losing Jared. He's afraid, deep-down in the dark, dank and cold of his soul that one day Jay's gonna open his eyes and wonder just what the hell he's been doing with a broken sonuvabitch like Jen for all these months and hang him out to dry. Or just that he'll wake up one day and Jay'll be gone somehow. Left, or with someone else, or dead.
The thing is, the damnedest thing is, he's not so afraid of it anymore. Maybe Chris is right and Jay's dick's some kinda magic. Maybe he's getting more whole and stronger and he could handle losing Jay. Or maybe Steve and Dave are when they say it's good to see him trusting himself again.
Jen, though, he thinks it's just plain Jared. Goddamned Jay, opening to the doors to the dungeon and filling it up with light.
5. What single object would they be most hard pressed to part with? Why?
The guitar Jay gave him. Hands down, no contest. Nothing he owns means as much to him as that. It's not just parting with it either. Jen protects that guitar like a precious little sister still in confirmation white. It's never out of tune. Never has a speck of dust. Always gets set aside, careful, in the cradle of his hands - even when Jay's coming down over him, thunder and lightning and summer storm heat, he knows to wait for Jen to rest that guitar somewhere those miles of arms and legs won't hurt it.
It started out, maybe, as being afraid if he broke it or scratched it, Jay would be pissed at him. Holler at him for being careless and take it to mean Jen didn't respect him proper. Maybe. But Jay caught him at that somewhere about the second day after Christmas, pulled him into his lap and kissed it out of him. Told him straight out, if it got banged up or stomped on or broke, they'd buy another.
So Jen stopped acting like a domestic abuse victim (about that, anyway), but he didn't stop treating that guitar like gold. Like tangible proof of Jared's love. His boy gave him music, and he's not ever letting anyone take it away.
6. What is their fondest memory?
Jared kneeling in that pool of light mixing bran mash for his horses before taking time for them. Jared being Jared. Taking care of what’s his. Completely unselfconscious, with hay in his hair and horse slobber on his shirt, and absorbed in the simple tasks of chopping and mixing, inhaling good, innocent, wholesome things - carrots, apples, and bran - and smiling like nothing in the world was better. Right up until he tilted his head to catch Jen with his gaze, and then that smile had nothing on the easy, genuine warmth and depth of the one that was for Jen.
Yeah, see, he has a lot of amazing memories of being with Jared. But that one, of Jared being the giant, good-hearted kid that he is, wrapped up in doing something he loves, and Jen still being something so much better? Best. Definitely.
7. What is their worst memory?
Jen’s not talking about that. He’s just not. Chris knows. And Steve’s heard. Dave probably picked up bits here and there. And Jay’s starting to get the details, a few at a time, when Jen can talk without choking on the words. But you’re not any of them, and he’s not talking about that night. Not with you. Not yet.
8. What or who was were their most significant influence? Expound.
There’s good and bad influences. And musical, artistic, sexual, life. It’s not a question he’s good with answering on the fly. It kind of depends on the day or even the moment. But he’s kinda got a thing for Van Morrison when it comes to music, the Beatles (Norwegian Wood, man, it’s a nearly perfect melody), Robert Johnson, Plant and Page. Acting, James Dean kinda inspired his Dean Winchester, but Van Der Beek’s outta-nowhere Sam just screwed that to hell and back. Don’t tell them, but Tommy, Mikey, Chris and Dave actually helped him out a lot, showed him the way, with Smallville and Angel and all. Sexually...well Diego taught him about being on the downlow and that guys didn’t kiss other guys. Kissing was for girls. Van Der Beek...he’s not talking about that.
And Jay...his entire life’s talking about that now. Every time he tips his head, he can feel the pull of a possessive bruise on his throat. Every time he sits, he can feel Jay deep. But it’s more than that. It’s thinking about Jared and thinking about kissing before blow jobs, holding hands and being held. Not being afraid to look in his eyes because he trusts what he’s going to see there.
So, yeah, it’s not like you didn’t guess it, but Jay’s probably the biggest influence, most significant now. Not to take anything away from his boys Chris and Steve, but there’s a difference between the friends that pat him on the shoulder or buy him beers and the arms that make him safe.
9. What do they believe makes a successful life?
For the longest time, Jen didn’t really think about it, you know. Life was just something he thought he was doing well if he got through instead of needing to get over it all the time. If he managed a year with no new scars, he called it done and moved on. If he got a few new scars, he slathered on the beer and whiskey and called it done and moved on.
Now, he’s starting to think about it again. What it might feel like to feel good about a life instead of a night, a week, a year. But believing in a successful life means believing in a future, and Jay and the boys are just getting him to the point that he can do that. Where it’s okay to want something and go after it with a whole heart.
That makes it sound like he’s never wanted anything and gone for it, which isn’t true. He worked damned hard at his career and he was good at it too. But he wanted something else all that time. Happily ever after and forever, music and laughter, friends, family and him. Now he’s got his fantasy man to come home to at the end of the day, and the friends and family to share it and him with. He’s working on the music.
Successful’s a hard word for a guy who’s been abused for just trying, but he’s thinking about it. And that’s a start.
10. What makes them laugh?
The weanlings playing at being grown. Jay playing at being one of them. Mikey pretending like none of them know Tommy’s got him trussed six ways and a seventh on Sunday inside their tent. Chris trying to act Alpha over Dave. Steve and Chad poking each other like third graders and pulling each others’ pigtails. Eliza putting them both in their place. Tahmoh putting her in hers. Misha talking about sex, butterflies and My Little Pony when he’s high. Chris and Steve forgetting anything but the chorus of Sweet Home Alabama and singing that fifty times in a row. Adam Sandler, Steven Colbert, John Stewart, and Chris’s brand new costars Beth and Aldis doing Kane impressions.
It’s still a pretty short list, but he laughs at a lot more stuff than he used to.
11. What are their religious views?
That night, Jen prayed God would either help him out or just let him die. For the longest time, he was pretty damned sure if there was a God, the motherless bastard had done neither.
But then things started changing for him. Singing with Chris and Steve. Jobs he didn’t have to suck dick to get. Sober days that didn’t suck sweaty donkey balls. Drunk nights that didn’t end in tears. Getting high without getting lost in the nightmares in his own head. Remembering mama’s birthday for the first time in years and actually getting his ass home for it; writing her a new song. Meeting Jay.
Going away and coming back and Jay still being Jay. Staying away more than six months and coming back and Jay still being Jay. Jay calling him baby and kissing his throat soft as a summer breeze and maple syrup sweet. Jay hanging him off the fence and riding him hard and raw. Jay telling stories about his mama, Jay’s head cocking to catch the sound of the Soleri bells Jen gave him, Jay giving him a leg up onto the mare he gave Jen.
For a long time, Jen was agnostic and vaguely hostile to the idea of there being a God.
Now, he looks out over the Break Loose, coffee in hand, Jay behind him, in the mornings when the sun comes up over the river that winds through it, and he can’t believe he ever doubted it.
12. What is their greatest strength?
If you ask him, Jensen’s made of weaknesses, not strength, but he’s full of shit. Or maybe he actually believes that load of bull. Better believe Jay and Chris are working on that.
And you could ask Jay, but he’s not exactly what you’d call objective when it comes to his baby. Still, he’d tell you straight up, forgiveness is both Jen’s greatest strength and his greatest weakness. He’s damned good at letting go of the stupid jackass things Jay does and remembering how much they love. But he forgave Van Der Beek too for way too damned long (even a breath was too damned long) and got himself hurt because of it.
Chad’ll tell you, and he’s most objective of all, really, that Jensen’s strength is his capacity for love. Giving it, taking it, holding on to it with both hands. Most people get twisted up about it, about labels and positions, how you get it and who from. But Jen, once you get to know him, he gets to trust you, and get past the freaking phalanx (Eliza taught him the word, cool as shit isn’t it?) that guards him, he takes it how you give it and gives it back with interest.
Chris’d call that loyalty. Stick-to-it-iveness. Once Jen loves you, he’s never letting go. Not ever.
13. Do they have a fatal flaw? If so, what is it?
Like most people, Jen’s fatal flaw is the same as his greatest strength. He loves so hard and so well, and with so much of himself, that in the absence of what or whom he loves, there’s a danger there’s nothing left of him. He’d do and has done insanely stupid things for love, or what he thought was love.
Actually, though, put another way, Jen’s fatal flaw is his lack of self-worth. It makes him sweet and sensitive and always surprised by the way Jay loves him and how much he means to Jay. But he’s also always susceptible to the argument that he’s disposable. Just a set of holes to fuck, someone to spend love and money on, not special or unique, or indispensable. Just Jensen.
Jay’s working on that though. Everyday. He’s not combating the fact he’s “just Jensen”, ‘cause “just Jensen” is who Jay wants, who he needs, who he loves. “Just Jensen” is better than any of the roles he plays and he doesn’t need to be anything else. “Just Jensen” is someone pretty damned special.
And if he ever really gets Jen to believe it, deep down and real, then they can talk about some of Jen’s other flaws. Like leaving the coffeepot on until it burns to the bottom. Or the snoring. Or the godawful morning breath. ‘Cause as far as his eye can see, not much else wrong with his baby. Just a bunch of things that make him Jensen.
14. Who is the most important person in their life?
Guess. Go on. He’ll give you ten and the first nine don’t count.
15. If they died, who would miss them most? How would they die?
He’s not dying. Didn’t you hear? Goddamned toppy bastard’s never gonna let him.