fails. more fails. a barrel of fails.
So Tuesday night I ended up rocking the somewhat sketchy and illegal with the highlights including taco bell. Then home at 3. Up at 10.
I woke up still feeling sad and out of sorts. I continue to be not very good at contemplating and successfully dealing with being sad.
Charli came and we went bouldering. So upset was I that instead of faltering, I finally conquered big pink and shelf-y the boulder that has been thwarting me for something like four weeks.
I was happy but too subdued to care, which was upsetting. I've been working on conquering this fear for ages. And it was awesome to finally do so.
Then I went to my office, chatted with officemate. He'd had a bad evening and was sad and I was sad and so I brought over my stapler and a box off macaroni and went to cheer him up. On the side of awesome, he fixed my stapler, but I couldn't get it working so then I wanted to know how it works and took it apart.
Next time I was aware of the time, I was late for class. So I didn't go. And then I accepted a beer and called in sick to work. I watched James Bond Casino Royale, which besides the graphic torture scene (well graphic because of my imagination more than what they showed) was amazing. I commented to officemate that what with all the explosions, man flesh and kick assness, these movies were made for girls. He replied not all girls but his kind of girls, which makes sense, but, seriously, girls who don't dig that, how can you not?
Then I zoned out on the somethingawful forums. Then I watched Braveheart, with officemate, officemate's friend (who was really nice) and officemate's other friend, who is also quite nice under the prickly. Which someone told me ages ago, but now I believe them. There may have been some substance use.
Then, when my sense of responsibility would have resserted itself, Moulin Rouge was dangled in front of my nose and like a good little rabbit I surrendered to the carrot. The combination of sleepy ,drunk and a wee bit high all combined to make this the best watching of Moulin Rouge ever. I seriously swooned on at least two occasions. I also spent most of the time giving thesismate a good massage. Which made up for having watched him clean for hours and not helped. Which I felt bad about.
In sum: I watched three movies, did no reading, skipped work and class, got home at 2 and instead of confronting facing or resigning myself to sad things I blew everything off, I'm beginning to think I see officemate's apartment as one giant portal of escapism (something that is always attractive to me) in a way that displeases me with myself. I'm also beginning to think if I had just taken break off as break and not as term paper/thesis time, I would not be having these problems now.
Also I think I engaged in a bad idea transfer of affection, but we learned that defense mechanisms don't work if you're aware of them, so hopefully not. On the other hand, I find a person who can do things really attractive and officemate is a mecca of doing things in this really proactive manner at odds with the amount he uses substances. Like, he wants to wall mount his speakers so he gets a drill and some metal and pow, brackets. I really envy that knowledge and unafraidness. Similarly with the staple-fixing. He has a minitorch and can just like work metal basically. I want a minitorch. If for nothing else than to caramelize sugar. I remain entranced by his character, which is fun to study and to try to explain. My writer sensibilities are piqued, which is good since NaNoWriMo starts in like two days and so far I haven't gotten past my Moondog idea.
And you know, it's unrelated but upsetting, I really want a Halloween Costume and has none. =(
I woke up still feeling sad and out of sorts. I continue to be not very good at contemplating and successfully dealing with being sad.
Charli came and we went bouldering. So upset was I that instead of faltering, I finally conquered big pink and shelf-y the boulder that has been thwarting me for something like four weeks.
I was happy but too subdued to care, which was upsetting. I've been working on conquering this fear for ages. And it was awesome to finally do so.
Then I went to my office, chatted with officemate. He'd had a bad evening and was sad and I was sad and so I brought over my stapler and a box off macaroni and went to cheer him up. On the side of awesome, he fixed my stapler, but I couldn't get it working so then I wanted to know how it works and took it apart.
Next time I was aware of the time, I was late for class. So I didn't go. And then I accepted a beer and called in sick to work. I watched James Bond Casino Royale, which besides the graphic torture scene (well graphic because of my imagination more than what they showed) was amazing. I commented to officemate that what with all the explosions, man flesh and kick assness, these movies were made for girls. He replied not all girls but his kind of girls, which makes sense, but, seriously, girls who don't dig that, how can you not?
Then I zoned out on the somethingawful forums. Then I watched Braveheart, with officemate, officemate's friend (who was really nice) and officemate's other friend, who is also quite nice under the prickly. Which someone told me ages ago, but now I believe them. There may have been some substance use.
Then, when my sense of responsibility would have resserted itself, Moulin Rouge was dangled in front of my nose and like a good little rabbit I surrendered to the carrot. The combination of sleepy ,drunk and a wee bit high all combined to make this the best watching of Moulin Rouge ever. I seriously swooned on at least two occasions. I also spent most of the time giving thesismate a good massage. Which made up for having watched him clean for hours and not helped. Which I felt bad about.
In sum: I watched three movies, did no reading, skipped work and class, got home at 2 and instead of confronting facing or resigning myself to sad things I blew everything off, I'm beginning to think I see officemate's apartment as one giant portal of escapism (something that is always attractive to me) in a way that displeases me with myself. I'm also beginning to think if I had just taken break off as break and not as term paper/thesis time, I would not be having these problems now.
Also I think I engaged in a bad idea transfer of affection, but we learned that defense mechanisms don't work if you're aware of them, so hopefully not. On the other hand, I find a person who can do things really attractive and officemate is a mecca of doing things in this really proactive manner at odds with the amount he uses substances. Like, he wants to wall mount his speakers so he gets a drill and some metal and pow, brackets. I really envy that knowledge and unafraidness. Similarly with the staple-fixing. He has a minitorch and can just like work metal basically. I want a minitorch. If for nothing else than to caramelize sugar. I remain entranced by his character, which is fun to study and to try to explain. My writer sensibilities are piqued, which is good since NaNoWriMo starts in like two days and so far I haven't gotten past my Moondog idea.
And you know, it's unrelated but upsetting, I really want a Halloween Costume and has none. =(