Old Junk....
********Hrm, LJ saves stuff surprsingly well, I have no idea when I wrote this**************
Dear Diary,
OK, so yes, LJ has become more of a diary than anything.....a place to let my galloping paranoia and fear and working through those. Folks that can read this are folks that I trust and I don't go all link happy.....my other blogs and stuff are social...I don't put the same stock in them as I do my personal blog.
This week has been fraught with anxiety again and its made me feel pretty icky and made me take a very stern look at things again. So I've had to take a really hard look at what's making me nuts and why it is bothering me. The anxiety itself is making me batshit....unfortunately, journaling/a diary the only effective way I know of to process this stuff.
****************************
Hey All,
Today is a new day and a day for writing.....not that I'm freaked out or anything is wrong, just that the world is its usual overwhelming self and I need to think about something.
So today the husbear asked me if I would consider joining Trainers. OK, I'm really flattered, but what the hell does trainers really do and will my services even be needed? I'm taking a very healthy step back from the Utah Regional this year....and even severed some pretty deep ties with several people associated with it, and I'm not sure how I fit into this picture? I used to think it was all about regional presence, but maybe that's not the case. For the record, I'm stepping away from the Utah Regional because it has started to feel less and less like a Burn Event and more like a rave met the rainbow gathering...not a credence or care is given to structure or making things work behind the scenes.....you don't treat your peasantry like that, at least from where I sit. Guilded royalty or not, if I'm volunteering to make some shit happen and feel like my efforts are falling dead, I'm likely to find a new venue! FUCK YOU AGAIN HOPE FOR MAKING ME REALIZE THAT! Yes, Hope, fuck you for making me realize I'm just a cog in a machine that you hate! So in case this gets leaked, you all can see that....it's all Hope's fault!
The husbear told me all about how people think I bring a very different abstract to what's going on....and I'm beginning to wonder if that's healthy. Part of the reason my work is making me crazy is because it used to be that work and play were two very separate entities. They still very much are, but I also have a very playful and fun interaction with co-workers and subordinates. The primary reason is that I trust these people....if they were out to screw me over, it would be an entirely different thing....maybe that's why I make an OK...mentor, I at least need to be able to trust people as a ranger for me to pass them. I also trust my co-workers and suborinates to work hard when they have to and not make lame excuses when they are asked to perform the task at hand.
I'm getting that fish smacked on the back of the head look while I try to make this coherent and not blogvomit.....
I tactfully drew in R&D's cost habits today....I feel like a whiney twat when I run to my VP about every little thing, but c'mon, I can't be dropping $600+labor everytime I turn around if I'm already on a shoestring budget and have already watched "reasonable" performers have to be let go and can't find myself an approvable perk anywhere, let alone approve any perks. "Whoops, you fell 0.13 hours short on the clock last pay period, we'll have to bill your PTO for an hour for that..." And falling 0.87 of an hour short next payperiod will result in billing another hour....so FUCK YOU! But going to Burning Man will require you to bill those full 8 hour days..... I am slowly learning the nuance of being salaried, but c'mon folks, really?
Overall, I'm just confused......the husbear is home and it feels all better....although I'm confused again...LOL! What do I do now? So much, so wrong...so...ARRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Ah and the missing vial of VX was found....'fer Crhissakes! *I might owe a shoutout to Sr. Dottie S. Dixon for bringing that one into my lexicon* So let's all sing a song of freedom and do some kumbaya cuz the guvment out to poison us all because it can't fund itself if there isn't a war going on! No wonder the brightest minds are working in the guvment, its not like an everyday bloke can even understand reality let alone classified guvement stuff!
While we're at it and I'm.....shit, he finally talked to me and I get it now. He's exhausted and at his whits end....not worried about retention just exhausted from doing a good job! And trust me, being a bullshit catcher is not an easy job. Sometimes growing a pair and saying, "hey you, talk to me and tell me whats going on" is all that needs to happen....spending capital to produce costly components that have no proven marketability, that's a different story....and if I hear one more dumbfuck talk about social capital I'm gonna social capital their scrotum! Nobody trusts anybody anyway! And I still talk openly on LJ and I still talk openly in the not wat work world to nya nya nya....
Now is the part where I go fall into a ditch or have some random sex.....your pick!
Dear Diary,
OK, so yes, LJ has become more of a diary than anything.....a place to let my galloping paranoia and fear and working through those. Folks that can read this are folks that I trust and I don't go all link happy.....my other blogs and stuff are social...I don't put the same stock in them as I do my personal blog.
This week has been fraught with anxiety again and its made me feel pretty icky and made me take a very stern look at things again. So I've had to take a really hard look at what's making me nuts and why it is bothering me. The anxiety itself is making me batshit....unfortunately, journaling/a diary the only effective way I know of to process this stuff.
****************************
Hey All,
Today is a new day and a day for writing.....not that I'm freaked out or anything is wrong, just that the world is its usual overwhelming self and I need to think about something.
So today the husbear asked me if I would consider joining Trainers. OK, I'm really flattered, but what the hell does trainers really do and will my services even be needed? I'm taking a very healthy step back from the Utah Regional this year....and even severed some pretty deep ties with several people associated with it, and I'm not sure how I fit into this picture? I used to think it was all about regional presence, but maybe that's not the case. For the record, I'm stepping away from the Utah Regional because it has started to feel less and less like a Burn Event and more like a rave met the rainbow gathering...not a credence or care is given to structure or making things work behind the scenes.....you don't treat your peasantry like that, at least from where I sit. Guilded royalty or not, if I'm volunteering to make some shit happen and feel like my efforts are falling dead, I'm likely to find a new venue! FUCK YOU AGAIN HOPE FOR MAKING ME REALIZE THAT! Yes, Hope, fuck you for making me realize I'm just a cog in a machine that you hate! So in case this gets leaked, you all can see that....it's all Hope's fault!
The husbear told me all about how people think I bring a very different abstract to what's going on....and I'm beginning to wonder if that's healthy. Part of the reason my work is making me crazy is because it used to be that work and play were two very separate entities. They still very much are, but I also have a very playful and fun interaction with co-workers and subordinates. The primary reason is that I trust these people....if they were out to screw me over, it would be an entirely different thing....maybe that's why I make an OK...mentor, I at least need to be able to trust people as a ranger for me to pass them. I also trust my co-workers and suborinates to work hard when they have to and not make lame excuses when they are asked to perform the task at hand.
I'm getting that fish smacked on the back of the head look while I try to make this coherent and not blogvomit.....
I tactfully drew in R&D's cost habits today....I feel like a whiney twat when I run to my VP about every little thing, but c'mon, I can't be dropping $600+labor everytime I turn around if I'm already on a shoestring budget and have already watched "reasonable" performers have to be let go and can't find myself an approvable perk anywhere, let alone approve any perks. "Whoops, you fell 0.13 hours short on the clock last pay period, we'll have to bill your PTO for an hour for that..." And falling 0.87 of an hour short next payperiod will result in billing another hour....so FUCK YOU! But going to Burning Man will require you to bill those full 8 hour days..... I am slowly learning the nuance of being salaried, but c'mon folks, really?
Overall, I'm just confused......the husbear is home and it feels all better....although I'm confused again...LOL! What do I do now? So much, so wrong...so...ARRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Ah and the missing vial of VX was found....'fer Crhissakes! *I might owe a shoutout to Sr. Dottie S. Dixon for bringing that one into my lexicon* So let's all sing a song of freedom and do some kumbaya cuz the guvment out to poison us all because it can't fund itself if there isn't a war going on! No wonder the brightest minds are working in the guvment, its not like an everyday bloke can even understand reality let alone classified guvement stuff!
While we're at it and I'm.....shit, he finally talked to me and I get it now. He's exhausted and at his whits end....not worried about retention just exhausted from doing a good job! And trust me, being a bullshit catcher is not an easy job. Sometimes growing a pair and saying, "hey you, talk to me and tell me whats going on" is all that needs to happen....spending capital to produce costly components that have no proven marketability, that's a different story....and if I hear one more dumbfuck talk about social capital I'm gonna social capital their scrotum! Nobody trusts anybody anyway! And I still talk openly on LJ and I still talk openly in the not wat work world to nya nya nya....
Now is the part where I go fall into a ditch or have some random sex.....your pick!