Paranoia be damned....
Hey All,
So yes, I'm well gacked....but that's OK. I need a journal, or a diary, or whatever to keep me sane! And LJ is the OK space to do that. Facebook is much too public and much too intertwined with my work.
So a friend reminded me of the crazy shit we used to do at Solvay. None of it bad, we were just nuts....we were like minds who did crazy shit. The incident that came to mind was the day we took an early lunch and got reported to HR for drinking margaritas out front..... The truth is, we were making fun of the "glitteratti" and were acting "glamarous" and needed fancy glasses to enjoy our lunchtime beverages in. No booze, just making the best of a crap sandwich!
I feel so structured and calculated with no outlet. And I feel useless in my current circumstance. I bring a lot to the table, but because I don't have my hands in actually making product its killing me! I know what stuff should look like and how equipment should behave, it just leaves me feeling powerless when loudmouth fucks who can't perform use what is going on as an excuse.....I'm waiting to hear how my problems, that haven't even affected a product line yet have impeded someone from actually doing their job and getting product that doesn't even exist yet out the back door. Yes, I feel that calculated that the failure of my processes which aren't even active in the chain right now are somehow going to get blamed. Yes, I know its not me, I know its shitty people.....
So I confronted the paranoia of having someone lord over me headon.....and you know what? No one is watching! I am still the master of my own domain! The husbear isn't freaked out, and my job ins't in jeopardy....?????????? REally? REally, this is for real? I'm not dreaming it? People can own thier onw shit and not be crazy about it? Please, let me have to console and fix someone before I confront.....
And then BOOM! There I am, wide eyed and naked.....really? I'm not a whack job, I'm not nuts, I'm not having to prove a damn thing? And that its...here I am, so what is important? So much has been about defining what I'm not that I'm not sure what I am.
So let's start a long time ago.... I'm not "one of the girls'. I'm a bitchy queer, but I by no means am a girl. I'm a bitchy queer, but I still know how to swing a hammer and I sure as fuck know my way around the English language :) I'm a good scientist, not a doctor, but good.... Maybe its that I know my way around a regulation....I dunno! My career is supposed to be so important, but that is coming with ease.....so home must be important, right? Oh, wait that's coming with ease too! I have an awesome career and a great home.....so everything is perfect then, right? RIGHT? Why isn't someone yelling at me that its all wrong? Something has to be wrong....I must fix it....something has to be wrong! I need to have something wrong with me...that would make it right, if I had something to fix!
So I'm left to ponder...and explore...and have fun... I like things that smell pretty....so I make soap and I do and I need to again soon, I think we're down to only enough to last until 5 years from now. I also love cheese....and have the know how and most recently figured out the mozarella :) The problem with cheese is that its high fat, so I avoid lots of it...and it isn' the cheapest to make, so I don't want to give it away, but I don't want to sell it either....cheese and soap go together like that.....its on that fine edge....the scrap are good enough for me but I can't use up the whole mess. Which brings me to waste...imgagine how badly I wept the other night when I had to toss 1/2 lb of my mozzarella :( It got moldy and not in a happy oh, its blue cheese kind of way.
I also love my peace out time....I love those moments of numb. That may be why I sleep so damned much. They are so few and far between with the mental demands work and myself place on me. If my mind ins't racing about work, its examining me because I have to be falling short somehow....somewhere....I have to be having some sort of problem or something has to be bad......if I'm doing the right thing and taking care of the right things, then I'm obviously missing something!
If I'm happy, and I'm content....THEN EVERYTHING IS FUCKING WRONG! And that's not right! I NEED THREE WEEKS AND THEN I'M DIVORCING MY PARAKEET!
Lotsa Love,
Jacob
So I read that and think, "Hrmmm....that's spoile drotten princess shit, I need a ranger!"
So yes, I'm well gacked....but that's OK. I need a journal, or a diary, or whatever to keep me sane! And LJ is the OK space to do that. Facebook is much too public and much too intertwined with my work.
So a friend reminded me of the crazy shit we used to do at Solvay. None of it bad, we were just nuts....we were like minds who did crazy shit. The incident that came to mind was the day we took an early lunch and got reported to HR for drinking margaritas out front..... The truth is, we were making fun of the "glitteratti" and were acting "glamarous" and needed fancy glasses to enjoy our lunchtime beverages in. No booze, just making the best of a crap sandwich!
I feel so structured and calculated with no outlet. And I feel useless in my current circumstance. I bring a lot to the table, but because I don't have my hands in actually making product its killing me! I know what stuff should look like and how equipment should behave, it just leaves me feeling powerless when loudmouth fucks who can't perform use what is going on as an excuse.....I'm waiting to hear how my problems, that haven't even affected a product line yet have impeded someone from actually doing their job and getting product that doesn't even exist yet out the back door. Yes, I feel that calculated that the failure of my processes which aren't even active in the chain right now are somehow going to get blamed. Yes, I know its not me, I know its shitty people.....
So I confronted the paranoia of having someone lord over me headon.....and you know what? No one is watching! I am still the master of my own domain! The husbear isn't freaked out, and my job ins't in jeopardy....?????????? REally? REally, this is for real? I'm not dreaming it? People can own thier onw shit and not be crazy about it? Please, let me have to console and fix someone before I confront.....
And then BOOM! There I am, wide eyed and naked.....really? I'm not a whack job, I'm not nuts, I'm not having to prove a damn thing? And that its...here I am, so what is important? So much has been about defining what I'm not that I'm not sure what I am.
So let's start a long time ago.... I'm not "one of the girls'. I'm a bitchy queer, but I by no means am a girl. I'm a bitchy queer, but I still know how to swing a hammer and I sure as fuck know my way around the English language :) I'm a good scientist, not a doctor, but good.... Maybe its that I know my way around a regulation....I dunno! My career is supposed to be so important, but that is coming with ease.....so home must be important, right? Oh, wait that's coming with ease too! I have an awesome career and a great home.....so everything is perfect then, right? RIGHT? Why isn't someone yelling at me that its all wrong? Something has to be wrong....I must fix it....something has to be wrong! I need to have something wrong with me...that would make it right, if I had something to fix!
So I'm left to ponder...and explore...and have fun... I like things that smell pretty....so I make soap and I do and I need to again soon, I think we're down to only enough to last until 5 years from now. I also love cheese....and have the know how and most recently figured out the mozarella :) The problem with cheese is that its high fat, so I avoid lots of it...and it isn' the cheapest to make, so I don't want to give it away, but I don't want to sell it either....cheese and soap go together like that.....its on that fine edge....the scrap are good enough for me but I can't use up the whole mess. Which brings me to waste...imgagine how badly I wept the other night when I had to toss 1/2 lb of my mozzarella :( It got moldy and not in a happy oh, its blue cheese kind of way.
I also love my peace out time....I love those moments of numb. That may be why I sleep so damned much. They are so few and far between with the mental demands work and myself place on me. If my mind ins't racing about work, its examining me because I have to be falling short somehow....somewhere....I have to be having some sort of problem or something has to be bad......if I'm doing the right thing and taking care of the right things, then I'm obviously missing something!
If I'm happy, and I'm content....THEN EVERYTHING IS FUCKING WRONG! And that's not right! I NEED THREE WEEKS AND THEN I'M DIVORCING MY PARAKEET!
Lotsa Love,
Jacob
So I read that and think, "Hrmmm....that's spoile drotten princess shit, I need a ranger!"