Year in review
Hey All,
So it is that time, with Burning Man fast approaching, to me it feels like the dawn of a new year, and time to reflect. I'm thinking the "It's like Christmas only dustier" X-mas card may be more appropriate now than ever.
So I've been looking back a lot lately and thinking.....reflecting, sometimes pointing a harsh finger at myself in the mirror, other times smiling, and other times just shrugging.
So first the ultimate failures, as I like to end these sorts of things on a positive note:
1) I'm not sure I'll ever quite smoking. Try as I might, and medication be damned, I just can't convince myself that smoking is something that I should put my will-power to. There are far to many other things that really don't matter if I smoke or not. Honestly, after 30 years of life and seeing what else goes on in this world, I am fortunate to have made it this far, and will be fortunate to be granted a second chance should that need arise.
2) I'm still a nervous, inexperienced, and oft times micro-manager. I'm making great strides, but I still often find myself micro-managing everything.....from home to work and people...
Now to accomplishments:
1) I've accepted myself as the caring, nurturing, loving, and stable rock that I am. As chaotic and out of control as my life appears to me, I still posses the ability to help others. I look back on the drama of the domestic assault at Burning Man last year, and the time I "put my hip into" a dear friend and I have learned what a gift I do posses. Whether I'm saying the right thing at the right time or doing the right thing at the right time, I seem to have "the knack". I've accepted the knack and actually am now looking forward to embracing that and being that "helper" that suits me so well. By no means will my mother ever get the social worker she so wanted one of us to be, but she may get one one week out of the year.
2) I am who I am, and that is, Sam, I am...LOL! Well, not 100%, but I understand a bit more about myself and the intricacies of what make me think. I am a left-leaning person who tends to stand on the left and lean right. I often find myself torn....is this the situation where one is OK and entitled, or should this person work harder or apply thyself? Its a wicked precipice...I tend to favor hard work and education, but I have had the good fortune of a blessed life, no seriously, I've had very good fortune. I have what I have because I worked my tail off and earned it....at the same time, have others done so? Or because they are born into the human condition are they entitled to this? I'm still not sure....the ever questioning me lives to wonder.
3) "I'm far too academically minded for this Mormon housewife shit..." It's true. I question relentlessly and want a good explanation and backing for the BS that may be being fed to me. This has become very apparent lately with a friend's involvement in DoTerra. She blathers on about this, that, and the other, and how different essential oils of the same name behave differently and feel differently. And the answer is, "Duh, they're terriors, chemotypes, or subspecies!" But, alas, not many get that....learning about nature and its infinite intricacies, is mind-boggling....and that is the beauty of this human existence and any sort of scientific exploration (massage therapy, aromatherapy, and other modalities included)! If I wanted the same thing, every time, I'd buy myself a diamond. Oh, and if I didn't mention it, I hate diamonds....give me multi-colored sapphires or other gems any day.
4) I am snarky and awful and wonderful.... Sometimes, the most fascinating people one will ever meet are confused, tormented, and angry. Or maybe they are just bitchy as fuck and genuine and wonderful as anyone one would ever meet and honestly do care about you, your aspirations, and everything else....
5) Sometimes one needs to humiliate others in a very public and inappropriate way. Sadly, its the only way they learn, myself included.
6) Children (in the form of dogs, I can't, and won't, attest to baby people) can provide the most wonderful and tormenting experiences of our lives.
7) Sometimes our differences are what make us wonderful, compassionate, and powerful as a collective people. I learned this just 2 weeks ago when a college friend visited and we "agreed to disagree". We may not always see eye to eye, but in the end we can make something beautiful.
8) You can't change "toxic" people. I had this verbiage thrown at me a little of a year ago and it confused the crap out of me. I was soooooo ideologically and ethically correct that I saw no other way of doing things. Now I see that "toxic", "acidic", "corrosive", "destructive", and other such adjectives are merely defense mechanisms and highly subjective. Either you work together or you don't...it's that simple. When the machinery breaks down, will we all work together to fix it or are we left to our own devices? Often times I wonder....
9) A good glass of wine is....well, OK, I'm starting to get exhausted....
In retrospect, over this past year, I've learned a lot more about myself. If its good, bad, or indifferent, I'll never know. The one thing I do know is that I'm growing (at least in mind) and that is good, as it keeps death at bay.
Much love to my comrades, unknown teachers, teachers, and mentors,
Lotsa Love,
Nozzie Baby (aka Jacob)
So it is that time, with Burning Man fast approaching, to me it feels like the dawn of a new year, and time to reflect. I'm thinking the "It's like Christmas only dustier" X-mas card may be more appropriate now than ever.
So I've been looking back a lot lately and thinking.....reflecting, sometimes pointing a harsh finger at myself in the mirror, other times smiling, and other times just shrugging.
So first the ultimate failures, as I like to end these sorts of things on a positive note:
1) I'm not sure I'll ever quite smoking. Try as I might, and medication be damned, I just can't convince myself that smoking is something that I should put my will-power to. There are far to many other things that really don't matter if I smoke or not. Honestly, after 30 years of life and seeing what else goes on in this world, I am fortunate to have made it this far, and will be fortunate to be granted a second chance should that need arise.
2) I'm still a nervous, inexperienced, and oft times micro-manager. I'm making great strides, but I still often find myself micro-managing everything.....from home to work and people...
Now to accomplishments:
1) I've accepted myself as the caring, nurturing, loving, and stable rock that I am. As chaotic and out of control as my life appears to me, I still posses the ability to help others. I look back on the drama of the domestic assault at Burning Man last year, and the time I "put my hip into" a dear friend and I have learned what a gift I do posses. Whether I'm saying the right thing at the right time or doing the right thing at the right time, I seem to have "the knack". I've accepted the knack and actually am now looking forward to embracing that and being that "helper" that suits me so well. By no means will my mother ever get the social worker she so wanted one of us to be, but she may get one one week out of the year.
2) I am who I am, and that is, Sam, I am...LOL! Well, not 100%, but I understand a bit more about myself and the intricacies of what make me think. I am a left-leaning person who tends to stand on the left and lean right. I often find myself torn....is this the situation where one is OK and entitled, or should this person work harder or apply thyself? Its a wicked precipice...I tend to favor hard work and education, but I have had the good fortune of a blessed life, no seriously, I've had very good fortune. I have what I have because I worked my tail off and earned it....at the same time, have others done so? Or because they are born into the human condition are they entitled to this? I'm still not sure....the ever questioning me lives to wonder.
3) "I'm far too academically minded for this Mormon housewife shit..." It's true. I question relentlessly and want a good explanation and backing for the BS that may be being fed to me. This has become very apparent lately with a friend's involvement in DoTerra. She blathers on about this, that, and the other, and how different essential oils of the same name behave differently and feel differently. And the answer is, "Duh, they're terriors, chemotypes, or subspecies!" But, alas, not many get that....learning about nature and its infinite intricacies, is mind-boggling....and that is the beauty of this human existence and any sort of scientific exploration (massage therapy, aromatherapy, and other modalities included)! If I wanted the same thing, every time, I'd buy myself a diamond. Oh, and if I didn't mention it, I hate diamonds....give me multi-colored sapphires or other gems any day.
4) I am snarky and awful and wonderful.... Sometimes, the most fascinating people one will ever meet are confused, tormented, and angry. Or maybe they are just bitchy as fuck and genuine and wonderful as anyone one would ever meet and honestly do care about you, your aspirations, and everything else....
5) Sometimes one needs to humiliate others in a very public and inappropriate way. Sadly, its the only way they learn, myself included.
6) Children (in the form of dogs, I can't, and won't, attest to baby people) can provide the most wonderful and tormenting experiences of our lives.
7) Sometimes our differences are what make us wonderful, compassionate, and powerful as a collective people. I learned this just 2 weeks ago when a college friend visited and we "agreed to disagree". We may not always see eye to eye, but in the end we can make something beautiful.
8) You can't change "toxic" people. I had this verbiage thrown at me a little of a year ago and it confused the crap out of me. I was soooooo ideologically and ethically correct that I saw no other way of doing things. Now I see that "toxic", "acidic", "corrosive", "destructive", and other such adjectives are merely defense mechanisms and highly subjective. Either you work together or you don't...it's that simple. When the machinery breaks down, will we all work together to fix it or are we left to our own devices? Often times I wonder....
9) A good glass of wine is....well, OK, I'm starting to get exhausted....
In retrospect, over this past year, I've learned a lot more about myself. If its good, bad, or indifferent, I'll never know. The one thing I do know is that I'm growing (at least in mind) and that is good, as it keeps death at bay.
Much love to my comrades, unknown teachers, teachers, and mentors,
Lotsa Love,
Nozzie Baby (aka Jacob)