these are the things we could do without.

[techno_man]

I think I'm just waiting around for someone to wake me up. For most of the people I'm around, it's their parents that are pushing them forward, helping them, providing for them. I'm lacking that. She cares, that's not the issue, but she need just as much help as I do, if not more, and I'm not going to risk her mental health for anything right now. I want her to be as normal as she can for both her and my sister. I'm scared to ask my dad for help because his only solution is a plane ticket back to Colorado. I'm not considering that an option for me, at least not yet. I've only been here two weeks, so I shouldn't be so fucking worried about everything, but I can't help it. My mom isn't at her best at the moment, and I don't know how to help her. The best solution I've come up with so far is to spend as much time away from home as I can, so she can have her space. but that so far as meant a large amount of wandering the streets at night, and to be honest I'm just tired of walking. I miss Lina, chada is closing, and I went there with everyone for our version of "the last supper" and she was warm and nice to everyone but me. I guess I understand because I had been asked not to return to chada, but I couldn't pass up one last bowl of red curry. I hate that we're not getting along like we used to. at the moment the amount of friends I have seems to be getting smaller and smaller, which wasn't what I was expecting when I came back. I guess I was just hoping everything would go back to normal, which I'm realizing was a bit much to ask for.

I'm very emotionally stuck. Very selfish. Very closed. and it's hard for me to explain to anyone trying to care. I'm consistently turning my back on any emotion, making it very hard for anyone to get through to me. Even if I want them to. I'm broken and am trying very hard to break others. haha, I don't know.

I need a better coat, I live in oregon now, and it rains, a shit-ton. snow is almost easier to deal with.
I need a life. I need something positive to tell my dad when he calls to yell at me for not calling him. I need to sleep more. I need to remember to eat. I need money. I need to stop smoking. I need to stop fucking up.