rock me.
tearing up the track.
what is it that I'm going back too? a dysfunctional family life and out of control day to day. Here, no "love" to speak of. no Hugs. No heartfelt laughter. and a lot of guilt. Poppy wouldn't like it here.
When we move..I'm scared. I want to live with my mother, I've proven that I'm not well with out her. but my dog WILL not leave my side. being away for less then two weeks is bad enough. I know that I am responsible for at least a small amount of my mothers well being. and she can't raise morgan alone. I need to at least help get her on her feet before I run the hell away.
(haha, I just started to cry thinking about poppy getting old..)
I know I've started something at home, with at least a hope of stability. but I'm getting sucked in for too much. I can handle him, and his emotions, judgment. but that's it. They are beautiful people, but they are so unhealthy and emotionally unstable. and dependant on him. I would hate to be in his position. I've got two fucked up versions of my own. I can't take his version too. But I don't think he'll understand that. and loosing him would fucking throw me the fuck out of whack. it would take far to much recovering.
I'M NOT UP FOR THAT. DON'T MAKE ME GO THROUGH THAT.
but it wouldn't be anyones fault. just mine. like always, I can't do it. I'm to broken to follow through.
I really just want to go home. right now.
Lizzys pregnant. the more I looked at the pictures, the more I realized how fucking jealous I was. I was talking about it to my mother and all she could say was how sorry she felt for her. about how she had just gone and ruined her entire life.
If I was anywhere near my mother at that moment, I swear I would have slapped her face. I really wanted her to understand. though I know she had no idea about my ambitions and jealousy. I just wanted her to know.
Fuck all that. ^^
I moved anyway. daddy came to the rescue. Sometimes I really wish I hadn't called him. Maybe later I will think it was the right choice. I can hardly talk to my mother, I'm loosing her.
I go to school now. and on my first day I forgot why I was here. I fucked up a bit. I just let myself do anything, with no thought as to the potential outcome. haha, had the thrill of a lifetime though, damn straight. I sit and smoke in my room all day. I watch Movies, hope people will talk to me. I'm loosing myself again. and I'm letting it happen. I can't go back this time. He wont let me. he's made that very clear. I won't argue, but I sure as hell wish I could.
what is it that I'm going back too? a dysfunctional family life and out of control day to day. Here, no "love" to speak of. no Hugs. No heartfelt laughter. and a lot of guilt. Poppy wouldn't like it here.
When we move..I'm scared. I want to live with my mother, I've proven that I'm not well with out her. but my dog WILL not leave my side. being away for less then two weeks is bad enough. I know that I am responsible for at least a small amount of my mothers well being. and she can't raise morgan alone. I need to at least help get her on her feet before I run the hell away.
(haha, I just started to cry thinking about poppy getting old..)
I know I've started something at home, with at least a hope of stability. but I'm getting sucked in for too much. I can handle him, and his emotions, judgment. but that's it. They are beautiful people, but they are so unhealthy and emotionally unstable. and dependant on him. I would hate to be in his position. I've got two fucked up versions of my own. I can't take his version too. But I don't think he'll understand that. and loosing him would fucking throw me the fuck out of whack. it would take far to much recovering.
I'M NOT UP FOR THAT. DON'T MAKE ME GO THROUGH THAT.
but it wouldn't be anyones fault. just mine. like always, I can't do it. I'm to broken to follow through.
I really just want to go home. right now.
Lizzys pregnant. the more I looked at the pictures, the more I realized how fucking jealous I was. I was talking about it to my mother and all she could say was how sorry she felt for her. about how she had just gone and ruined her entire life.
If I was anywhere near my mother at that moment, I swear I would have slapped her face. I really wanted her to understand. though I know she had no idea about my ambitions and jealousy. I just wanted her to know.
Fuck all that. ^^
I moved anyway. daddy came to the rescue. Sometimes I really wish I hadn't called him. Maybe later I will think it was the right choice. I can hardly talk to my mother, I'm loosing her.
I go to school now. and on my first day I forgot why I was here. I fucked up a bit. I just let myself do anything, with no thought as to the potential outcome. haha, had the thrill of a lifetime though, damn straight. I sit and smoke in my room all day. I watch Movies, hope people will talk to me. I'm loosing myself again. and I'm letting it happen. I can't go back this time. He wont let me. he's made that very clear. I won't argue, but I sure as hell wish I could.