i feel horribly alone..
theres this Tegan & Sara lyric that goes like this:,"when your love lets you go, you just want love more even when love was not what you were looking for.." & its totally true. i wasn't looking for love when i started dateing josh... and here i am alone and searching for love. i dont knwo what i am going to do. i just need a friend. i came to the realization that i dont have a bestfreind. i have good freinds i will always love...but i cant catorigize them as "the best". i dont have one freind that i can tell my most deepest secrets too. i push the people i love, that love me away and i dont know why... i think that if they new what was in my head they wouldn't want to know me anymore... i'm just scared i'm going to be alone forever.
So i had this friend....we'll call him 'irish'.. me and irish had a thing. right, just a thing. and then... it turned into something diffferent. something true. i have hardcore feelings about irish. one night we got drunk and had a heart to heart...i told him everythign that happened in my past. i haven't EVER told anybody everything thats happened in my past...i also told him my true feeligns about him. he said he didn't want a girlfreind at the moment. its all good, i just want him to be a freind for now too. after i came home from philly i tried calling him. i didn't see him/ tlak to him for a week. he knows all my secrets, my fears, my life. he doesn't care about me. we dont talk. i will never share anything with anybody ever again. because i thought he was a truely good person. but how can i trust people who push me out of there life like i haven't survived this fucking world for 16 years..like i dont exist. like i dont have feelings,family,problems,emotions...how can anyobdy do that to a person?
i dont ever want to talk to anybody ever again. i want to dig a hole and berry myself alive.
Happy fucking 18th,asshole.