(no subject)
I realized something today.
I don't know what I want.
But more importantly: that's ok.
It's ok that I'm getting ready to finish my freshman year, and can't figure out why the fuck I started it, or what the hell I'm going to do when school is over. It's ok that I don't know what I want out of a guy, or a relationship, or whatever. It's ok that I don't know what my next step is gonna be.
I spent oh...around eight years working my ass off to get here. Running running running all the time. I averaged four hours of sleep a night through high school, and my social life was comprized of theatre rehearsals and late-night study sessions, and maybe the occasional coffee shop night.
I spent all of my relationships evaluation them for long-term potential. And when I thought it wasn't gonna work, I bailed. Plain and simple. I overlooked guys that I felt a connection to because they wouldn't work out. I pursued guys because I thought they'd be a good long term investment. Before this year, I hadn't kissed a guy I hadn't dated. Ever.
But let me tell you something - I have had so much FUN the last few months...yes, I got into some deep shit awhile back and I got myself completely fucked over for awhile. I got hurt and I lost a friend I'll probably never get back. My GPA is blown to hell, and I couldn't care less.
The fact is, all of these experiences are trivial in the long run. They HURT. A LOT. But the great thing is...you get over it. You fall down, you scrape your knees, and then you pick yourself up and keep on walking. Life's too short, you know?
So yes. My GPA sucks, and I don't care. I have no idea what I'm going to do with this degree that I'll have in...what, two years, give or take? I'm in a nonexistent relationship with a guy who at this point amounts to basically a booty call, and my sleep habits are shot to hell. I am the embodiement of an immoral college girl and I DON'T CARE.
Basically it all comes down to this. I figure, even when I'm busting my butt, I'm still going to hurt people. I'm still going to fuck things up occasionally, because that's life. It happens to everyone. I've spent the last five years thinking ahead and putting other people before me. So I'm going to take some time off, and focus on myself. And not on me-where-I-want-to-be-in-ten-years. No. Me, right now. I'm going take some time to be completely irresponsible and go after exactly what I want in the moment, and pay for the consequences later.
That's what college is for, right?
[An endnote: Yes, I'm aware how slutty/immoral/bitchy this sounds. No, I do not care. As stated above, I'm taking some time off from the goody-two-shoes routine.]
I don't know what I want.
But more importantly: that's ok.
It's ok that I'm getting ready to finish my freshman year, and can't figure out why the fuck I started it, or what the hell I'm going to do when school is over. It's ok that I don't know what I want out of a guy, or a relationship, or whatever. It's ok that I don't know what my next step is gonna be.
I spent oh...around eight years working my ass off to get here. Running running running all the time. I averaged four hours of sleep a night through high school, and my social life was comprized of theatre rehearsals and late-night study sessions, and maybe the occasional coffee shop night.
I spent all of my relationships evaluation them for long-term potential. And when I thought it wasn't gonna work, I bailed. Plain and simple. I overlooked guys that I felt a connection to because they wouldn't work out. I pursued guys because I thought they'd be a good long term investment. Before this year, I hadn't kissed a guy I hadn't dated. Ever.
But let me tell you something - I have had so much FUN the last few months...yes, I got into some deep shit awhile back and I got myself completely fucked over for awhile. I got hurt and I lost a friend I'll probably never get back. My GPA is blown to hell, and I couldn't care less.
The fact is, all of these experiences are trivial in the long run. They HURT. A LOT. But the great thing is...you get over it. You fall down, you scrape your knees, and then you pick yourself up and keep on walking. Life's too short, you know?
So yes. My GPA sucks, and I don't care. I have no idea what I'm going to do with this degree that I'll have in...what, two years, give or take? I'm in a nonexistent relationship with a guy who at this point amounts to basically a booty call, and my sleep habits are shot to hell. I am the embodiement of an immoral college girl and I DON'T CARE.
Basically it all comes down to this. I figure, even when I'm busting my butt, I'm still going to hurt people. I'm still going to fuck things up occasionally, because that's life. It happens to everyone. I've spent the last five years thinking ahead and putting other people before me. So I'm going to take some time off, and focus on myself. And not on me-where-I-want-to-be-in-ten-years. No. Me, right now. I'm going take some time to be completely irresponsible and go after exactly what I want in the moment, and pay for the consequences later.
That's what college is for, right?
[An endnote: Yes, I'm aware how slutty/immoral/bitchy this sounds. No, I do not care. As stated above, I'm taking some time off from the goody-two-shoes routine.]