Bad fic
Wow. Trawling around on AFF.net is not a good thing for me. I'm too cynical and bitter.
I've found a wealth of bad!fic floating around on there, and it disturbs me so bad that I just have to share it. I found one the other day that I swear, I SWEAR, has got to be the most puerile piece of regurgitated cowshit that I have ever had the misfortune to cast my misshapen corneas upon.
I review below. Bear in mind that I'm on pain killers right now for my knee, and I'm being straight up mean in the review below. It's also long winded and convoluted, but at least I know that I can't write very well at the moment.
Allow me to link you: http://lotr.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=21815
Okay. I don't even know where to start on this one.
For tonight's showing of Cowgirls, a long hard ride, the part of 'their' will be played by understudy 'there', 'you're' will be played by 'your', and 'our' will be understudied by 'are', as all three apparently have the flu.
HOMONYMS. LEARN THEM. FIX THEM.
Cringe. Seriously. Cringe.
I've come to the conclusion that this fic was written by a 14 year old girl. I'm quite disturbed by this, but that's the long and short of it. Fourteen, maybe 15 at most.
It's your typical Mary Sue fic, and at least she admits that in the introduction. Here's a basic rundown of the whole plot, at least as far as I've read (chapter 16 so far.)
Okay, so, we're two really hot girls and we love elven artifacts. (Artifacts is a word reserved for real things that actually exist in the real world. If this was supposed to be an AU you should have mentioned that, I would have SKIPPED it then.) So, we went to China Town to this store that had lots of rare Elven artifacts because this guy that we met at the Chinese food place told us to. (And you are completely naive and went, and now you're human cargo on your way to Singapore.) And they had lots of it, and the guy who owned the place told us not to touch anything, and then he walked outta the room, but we touched it anyways. We found a bag of magic pixie dust and sprinkled it on the pages of the ancient Elven magic book that told us how to get to middle earth.
And so now we're in middle earth, and wow are those Elves yummy! We're soooooo hot that all of them want us, and we can have anyone that we want, but I only want Orlando (Orlando Bloom? I wasn't aware that he was an Elf. Maybe you mean Legolas, the character he played in the movies?) and my friend wants Legolas AND Haldir (Apparently you didn't mean Legolas). And they're totally in love with us. And they totally want us and we're totally having them. And I'm playing the blushing virgin and my friend is playing the playful slut, and it's funny because I got some first.
We're not really sure what the hell sex is all about, but we do know that their 'erected members' are supposed to go in our 'pulsing caverns' after they rub our 'sweet pearls' and mash their lips into ours as they slip their tongues into our mouths (You've never actually been kissed have you? And your hand DOES NOT count.) And I see Prince Orlando getting mouth mauled by this elvish lady and he's totally a heal (Yes, I spelled that one verbatim). Oh, and this was after my beautiful body made two elvish guards try and rape me in the King's gardens. They go back and forth between feeling sorry that they made this feisty virgin cry and then thinking that I deserved everything I got.
Oh, and me and my friend are totally trained in like everything martial arts wise, including swords! We're better than the elves! I even beat up those guys who tried to rape me, and hit the 'boyfriend stealer' that was macking on my man! I'm not sure where we learned how to fight swords, but wow I'm good!
And wow, my lips are like berries, and hers are like the finest wine.
_______
I'm not done, but I am tired of typing like that.
As I said, at least she mentioned that it was Mary Sue going in. I've read Mary Sue fics that were redeemable despite the MS going on. This one is not. The writing isn't much better than my not so brief synopsis above.
Things we've violated here: homonyms are not your friend, learn to spell, the grammar nazi is gonna get you, one person speaking per paragraph please, don't write sex if you've never held hands, don't write love if the person who says I love you the most often is mom, secret heritages are dumb, I heart Betas!, blushing virgin or hoebag: pick one.
I could add more, but at this point I can't bring myself to. I'm tempted to do a dramatic reading of this fic and record it so that everyone can hear how it sounds in my head.
My vote for this one: Cat vomit.
As I review more fics, I figure out where cat vomit comes on the scale.
And don't blame me if you start reading it and then can't stop.
It's like a horrible train wreck with blood and entrails and dead babies flying around. It's horrible, it's wrong, it's terrifying and painful to watch.
But you can't look away. You just can't.
I've found a wealth of bad!fic floating around on there, and it disturbs me so bad that I just have to share it. I found one the other day that I swear, I SWEAR, has got to be the most puerile piece of regurgitated cowshit that I have ever had the misfortune to cast my misshapen corneas upon.
I review below. Bear in mind that I'm on pain killers right now for my knee, and I'm being straight up mean in the review below. It's also long winded and convoluted, but at least I know that I can't write very well at the moment.
Allow me to link you: http://lotr.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=21815
Okay. I don't even know where to start on this one.
For tonight's showing of Cowgirls, a long hard ride, the part of 'their' will be played by understudy 'there', 'you're' will be played by 'your', and 'our' will be understudied by 'are', as all three apparently have the flu.
HOMONYMS. LEARN THEM. FIX THEM.
Cringe. Seriously. Cringe.
I've come to the conclusion that this fic was written by a 14 year old girl. I'm quite disturbed by this, but that's the long and short of it. Fourteen, maybe 15 at most.
It's your typical Mary Sue fic, and at least she admits that in the introduction. Here's a basic rundown of the whole plot, at least as far as I've read (chapter 16 so far.)
Okay, so, we're two really hot girls and we love elven artifacts. (Artifacts is a word reserved for real things that actually exist in the real world. If this was supposed to be an AU you should have mentioned that, I would have SKIPPED it then.) So, we went to China Town to this store that had lots of rare Elven artifacts because this guy that we met at the Chinese food place told us to. (And you are completely naive and went, and now you're human cargo on your way to Singapore.) And they had lots of it, and the guy who owned the place told us not to touch anything, and then he walked outta the room, but we touched it anyways. We found a bag of magic pixie dust and sprinkled it on the pages of the ancient Elven magic book that told us how to get to middle earth.
And so now we're in middle earth, and wow are those Elves yummy! We're soooooo hot that all of them want us, and we can have anyone that we want, but I only want Orlando (Orlando Bloom? I wasn't aware that he was an Elf. Maybe you mean Legolas, the character he played in the movies?) and my friend wants Legolas AND Haldir (Apparently you didn't mean Legolas). And they're totally in love with us. And they totally want us and we're totally having them. And I'm playing the blushing virgin and my friend is playing the playful slut, and it's funny because I got some first.
We're not really sure what the hell sex is all about, but we do know that their 'erected members' are supposed to go in our 'pulsing caverns' after they rub our 'sweet pearls' and mash their lips into ours as they slip their tongues into our mouths (You've never actually been kissed have you? And your hand DOES NOT count.) And I see Prince Orlando getting mouth mauled by this elvish lady and he's totally a heal (Yes, I spelled that one verbatim). Oh, and this was after my beautiful body made two elvish guards try and rape me in the King's gardens. They go back and forth between feeling sorry that they made this feisty virgin cry and then thinking that I deserved everything I got.
Oh, and me and my friend are totally trained in like everything martial arts wise, including swords! We're better than the elves! I even beat up those guys who tried to rape me, and hit the 'boyfriend stealer' that was macking on my man! I'm not sure where we learned how to fight swords, but wow I'm good!
And wow, my lips are like berries, and hers are like the finest wine.
_______
I'm not done, but I am tired of typing like that.
As I said, at least she mentioned that it was Mary Sue going in. I've read Mary Sue fics that were redeemable despite the MS going on. This one is not. The writing isn't much better than my not so brief synopsis above.
Things we've violated here: homonyms are not your friend, learn to spell, the grammar nazi is gonna get you, one person speaking per paragraph please, don't write sex if you've never held hands, don't write love if the person who says I love you the most often is mom, secret heritages are dumb, I heart Betas!, blushing virgin or hoebag: pick one.
I could add more, but at this point I can't bring myself to. I'm tempted to do a dramatic reading of this fic and record it so that everyone can hear how it sounds in my head.
My vote for this one: Cat vomit.
As I review more fics, I figure out where cat vomit comes on the scale.
And don't blame me if you start reading it and then can't stop.
It's like a horrible train wreck with blood and entrails and dead babies flying around. It's horrible, it's wrong, it's terrifying and painful to watch.
But you can't look away. You just can't.