Feeling much better.
I've been pretty mopey lately; actually... I've been really unhappy for months.
In the last few weeks though, I've been doing a lot of soul searching (read as: watching Power Rangers, various RomComs, and Scott Pilgrim) and I've had a lot of great conversations with so many of my awesome friends. "You are an amazing man!" "Relax, just do what's important to you." "You can't live for other people."
It's dawned on me that I was sucked back into the groove of mainstream social programming. One friend noted that I have been comparing my life to other people's (people who are married; having kids; owning homes; all those things I've always wanted). More than just comparing my life to other's, though, I've been really stuck on comparing what I have now to what I had a few years ago. I had a career, I was with a wonderfully supportive and loving domestic partner, and I had plenty of money and income to not have to worry about much of anything... well on my way to the top of mainstream happiness. But I have none of those things now and I (genuinely) miss it. I think about my old life every single day and I am just overwhelmed by feelings of such great loss. For certain, I did not fully appreciate what I had when I had it.
But I recognized that I was not happy in the mainstream path and so I intentionally made a change. I don't know exactly what sparked it, but at some point over the last year, I had grabbed on to those old memories and I just couldn't let go.
The past is the past. It's time to let it go.
I still believe that 'consumer stuff' is a burden. I don't want or need it. Everything that I have is perfect as it is. As much as I would be thrilled to have a companion (at the least, for the company), I have everything I need already with me. And I have a really fun set of friends and family to be with.
Will I still miss my old life? Absolutely. But I like where I'm at now; I enjoy what I'm doing (especially in this new department); and the goals I'm working toward are important to me. I have a lot of work to do, and some of it won't be easy, but so long as I relax and return to my flexible state then I'll always end up in the perfect place for me.
In the last few weeks though, I've been doing a lot of soul searching (read as: watching Power Rangers, various RomComs, and Scott Pilgrim) and I've had a lot of great conversations with so many of my awesome friends. "You are an amazing man!" "Relax, just do what's important to you." "You can't live for other people."
It's dawned on me that I was sucked back into the groove of mainstream social programming. One friend noted that I have been comparing my life to other people's (people who are married; having kids; owning homes; all those things I've always wanted). More than just comparing my life to other's, though, I've been really stuck on comparing what I have now to what I had a few years ago. I had a career, I was with a wonderfully supportive and loving domestic partner, and I had plenty of money and income to not have to worry about much of anything... well on my way to the top of mainstream happiness. But I have none of those things now and I (genuinely) miss it. I think about my old life every single day and I am just overwhelmed by feelings of such great loss. For certain, I did not fully appreciate what I had when I had it.
But I recognized that I was not happy in the mainstream path and so I intentionally made a change. I don't know exactly what sparked it, but at some point over the last year, I had grabbed on to those old memories and I just couldn't let go.
The past is the past. It's time to let it go.
I still believe that 'consumer stuff' is a burden. I don't want or need it. Everything that I have is perfect as it is. As much as I would be thrilled to have a companion (at the least, for the company), I have everything I need already with me. And I have a really fun set of friends and family to be with.
Will I still miss my old life? Absolutely. But I like where I'm at now; I enjoy what I'm doing (especially in this new department); and the goals I'm working toward are important to me. I have a lot of work to do, and some of it won't be easy, but so long as I relax and return to my flexible state then I'll always end up in the perfect place for me.