FIC: First Times
First Times
by Tee
Puck
He is fifteen years old and his father has just left for the last time. He can’t know for sure it’s the last time yet of course, and his mother is pretty convinced he’ll come back because he always does, even if it takes him months and one time took him over a year. But Puck saw this look in his eyes when he drove away that time, a look that has him feeling down in the pit of his stomach that he won’t come back this time, won’t come back ever. He wants to throw up, to run after the truck, to beg his father to take him with him. But he doesn’t. He climbs the steps back into the house and gives his mom an Ambien and puts her to bed and sings Sarah to sleep because they are his responsibility now.
It’s summer before his freshman year of high school and he should be out playing with the other kids, getting the last of his childhood out before football training starts and he has to transition to young adulthood. But when he wakes up the next morning, he loads his father’s pool cleaning equipment into the back of his mother’s car and does his father’s work for the day. He doesn’t realize until the third house that something is off. A disappointment in the eyes of the women that open the door for him, watching him clean the pool with hawk like eyes, clutching drinks and shaking their heads. The woman at house four lays it out for him- Mrs. Saunders, a pampered kind of housewife with a little too much collagen in her lips and too large breasts and a too deep tan. She watches him like the others did, but with a kind of sparkle in her eyes and when she pushes a drink into his hand, Puck just takes it and doesn’t care about the burn of alcohol in it. It’s not like he hasn’t got drunk before. And while he cleans the pool, he sees how Mrs. Saunders looks at him, and it’s kind of awesome. He takes off his shirt and flexes for her and he sees how her eyebrows go up and it gives him a sense of power that he’s never felt before.
So when he’s done and she asks how old he is he tells her he’s eighteen even if they both know it’s a lie. And she mixes him another drink and invites him up to her room. Mrs. Saunders becomes Gina and Gina is kind of really hot for an old lady, especially when she pushes him up against the wall and rubs her hand against his dick like her life depends on it. Sex, Puck discovers, is really, really awesome. It was hot and sweaty and kind of messy, but it made him forget everything about his life that really sucked. It was over a little too fast, but Gina doesn’t mind because she says he has a nice cock and it will just get better next time. When she pays him, the tip is bigger than the cost to clean the pool. Puck leaves smiling, feeling sated and manly, with enough money in his pocket to feed his mom and kid sister for a month. He wonders if he should feel bad about just losing his virginity to someone who was old enough to be his mom and who is married, but he can’t find a reason to be. He tells his friends and only one, that Finn kid asks about waiting for someone special. Puck just snorts and punches him. Fuck virginity. He wasn’t doing anything with it anyway.
Santana
She is fifteen years old and she will never be as cool as the other girls on the squad. She grew up rough, out in Lima Heights. Santana knows how to scrap and knows how to terrify the kids younger than her, but she wasn’t ready for this. These pampered girls in their glamorous uniforms, walking the halls of McKinley High like they owned the place. And God, she really wanted to be one of them. To own something like that. To walk around and be untouchable. To have a cadre of boys following her around like she walked on air. The power in it is unbelievable and she wants a piece of it so badly her mouth practically waters.
Getting on the squad is actually easier than she though. She’s bendy and pretty and has the right attitude for Coach Sylvester. Soon she’s walking the halls in her Cheerios skirt, loving the feel of it swirling around her thighs, her head high and proud. It doesn’t even matter that she’s a freshman anymore. Because the skirt has its own power and soon enough the masses part for her to pass through and she’s stomping hearts under her far too expensive white tennis shoes. But it’s almost not enough and listening to the other girls she starts to understand why. “It’s the virginal thing,” Shelly says with a knowing sniff, twisting her long blonde hair up into a ponytail. Shelly isn’t quite as haughty as the other girls and doesn’t mind showing Santana the ropes. And Shelly does want to leave her legacy with at least one girl before graduating and in her own words, Santana ‘is better that most.’ “They can tell, and if you aren’t going to put out, they aren’t going to try.” Her voice gets low and her smile a little cruel as she leans in to Santana. “But once they know you do, and you don’t give them what they want they are putty in your hands. They’ll do anything you want. And even then you don’t have to have sex with them. Just throw a bone to one guy every once and awhile and you will rule this school. Just like me.”
Santana gets a little too distracted by watching Shelly slowly get dressed, watching the soft lines of her body as she wiggles into her street clothes, which are just as tight and revealing as the cheerleading uniforms, but she gets the gist of it anyway. And a part of her wants to please Shelly so badly that she finds Noah Puckerman the very next day because he’s kind of the hottest new guy on the football team and tells him that he’s taking her out to a classy dinner and the more he spends on her, the better it will turn out for him. Puck takes her to Breadstixs and its not what she had in mind, but they do have the best breadsticks in the universe. And it is kind of hot how they have to run out on the tab, the danger of it lighting a kind of fire in Santana that she isn’t used to but she kind of likes. So when he drives them out to the outskirts of the town and asks if she wants to make out, she does with enthusiasm and she doesn’t stop his hand from creeping up her thigh and under her skirt. After she doesn’t feel as different as she thought she might, and instead feels a little sad and more achy than she thought she would. She sneers at Puck when he drops her off, and feels oddly like crying when she finally falls into bed. But the next day, Shelly smiles like she’s proud and Santana figures that its all going to be okay. Maybe she just needs to do it a lot before the sense of accomplishment sinks in.
Brittany
She is fifteen years old and she loves being a cheerleader. She likes how she looks in the uniform and how it makes all of the boys smile at her. She likes how it gives her instant friends and how not one of her teammates calls her stupid or makes fun of her because she’s pretty and can kick really high and is really good at flying. She likes having friends and she likes belonging to something. When she finds out she’s going to be at cheerleading camp for a few weeks that summer, she is so excited she can’t stop telling Lord Tubbington about it, even if he seems to be upset about it and takes up smoking to deal with it. But she can’t worry about it right now, because she will spend three weeks with her friends doing cheerleading stuff and looking hot and being really amazing.
Santana points him out first, this boy that comes by once a day to water the plants and cut the grass on the practice field. He is tall and dark and he speaks in a language only Santana can understand. Brittany watches them talk and for the first time realizes how magic Santana is, and can’t help but stand closer and closer to her to try and soak it up. She sounds exotic and smart, talking to the boy and flipping her hair. “Are you two from another planet?” she asks softly one night, curled up in Santana’s sleeping bag because its too cold in her tent. Santana laughs lightly, but it doesn’t sound mean so Brittany doesn’t feel sad about it. “No. We just know Spanish.” That doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to her because she thought Spanish was that green stuff that her mom made her eat, but she doesn’t ask again because she doesn’t want to look dumber than she already feels. When she hears Santana say something about ‘illegal alien’ a day later, she feels vindicated that she was right and figures Santana just didn’t want to reveal her secret. And she likes Santana enough to keep it to herself.
He crawls into her tent three days later, and Brittany can’t understand a thing he says, but she knows he’s looking for Santana because he keeps saying her name. She tries to tell him that Santana snuck off with their weight trainer, James. He seems sad, and Brittany gets it because she’s sad when Santana isn’t there too. So she kisses him because kisses make things better and she also hopes that if she does she’ll somehow magically learn to talk in his alien language and then she and Santana can share secrets forever. She is a little surprised when he pushes her down and starts pulling at her clothes, but maybe aliens just kiss differently and she wants to learn so she goes along with it. When she tells Santana about it later, Santana doesn’t look very happy about it. She says a lot of things that Brittany doesn’t understand, and then looks like she’s going to cry when Brittany said she did it so she could learn how to be a better friend by learning the alien ways. But Santana doesn’t get mad at her and kisses her forehead. And when the boy crawls back into her tent the next night, she knows now that he wants to have sex with her and it’s kind of fun and she likes his muscles and the way he says her name with that funny alien accent. She might not be smart and might not know a lot of things, but she knows that this sex thing makes people happy and she likes people being happy. So she’s going to do it as much as she can. It’s her own special way of spreading joy in the world.
Quinn
She is sixteen years old and she feels fat. She stands in front of the mirror in her bedroom and spins. The dress still fits nicely, but she feels gross in it. It’s frilly and white and it’s going to be perfect for the Chastity Ball in a few months. Her father says it makes her look beautiful, but she still feels like fat old ugly Lucy. Because the blonde is still a lie and if she doesn’t watch it, she’ll balloon out again and start getting pimples and then Sue will kick her off the Cheerios and Finn will dump her and this perfect little life she’s created for herself will be over. And she refuses to let that happen. Sighing, she puts the dress back into the closet and puts her Cheerios uniform back on, even if that doesn’t make her feel any less fat. At least it gives her something to hold onto, some kind of status that will make anyone think twice before calling her a name or pointing out how chubby her thighs look today.
The horn honks outside and Quinn hurries out to Santana’s car, hopping in the back and crossing her arms over her stomach as if that will hide how bloated and awful she must look. She had half a mind to stay home, but it’s the event of the year according to Santana and even if Finn can’t be there she should make an appearance. Because if she didn’t their spots at the top of the social chain would be gone in an instant, and that was almost as bad a being fat. This time she doesn’t have to fake how disinterested she is in the party, leaning against the wall and looking out at a sea of pretty faces and hating each one in turn for being so effortless. Of course the only person who seems to care that she’s not participating is Puck, with his low class demeanor and stupid Mohawk. It makes her nose curl up a little, but at least when he’s talking to her, she feels less like Lucy and more like Quinn, because he has that look in his eyes like he wants to rip her clothes off. And Quinn loves that, has been leading him around for months because he has that look and even when it makes her stomach flip uncomfortably she can’t help exploiting it even if it makes her a bad person.
She only accepts his wine cooler because she’s feeling sad and gross still, and it quickly goes to her head, making her feel light and floaty. So she follows him up to one of the bedrooms and lets him make out with her because making out is nice and Puck does have really nice arms and his stupid Mohawk is kind of soft and nice to run her fingers through. But then he’s touching her more and in places that make her feel a little uncomfortable and but he keeps giving her more wine. And she knows she shouldn’t, but she likes how wanted he makes her feel, how the hands skimming down her sides and over her breasts makes her feel pretty and desired. So she lets him undress her and hears herself actually say “please” when he asks if it’s really okay for him to have sex with her because Puck may have sex with lots of people, but she knows he’s been wanting to have sex with her for months and that makes her better doesn’t it? Prettier and better because she made him chase her for awhile and he didn’t chase anything. After, he rolls over and leaves, something about having to make sure Sarah did her homework. And then she puts her face in her hands and cries for a long time because for the first time ever, she misses being Lucy because this would never happen to her and she would never lose her virginity and feel so empty.
Finn
He is sixteen and he really, really hates Jesse St. James. Because that dude is slimy and he looks like a creepy, young version of Mr. Shue and he is going to have sex with the girl he’s in love with and that just isn’t fair. Finn knows that he really doesn’t have any claim on Rachel anymore, since he broke up with her. But that doesn’t make him feel like he does. He’s always felt like that, ever since they met. He’d been dating Quinn but Rachel was still his in a way. And it was completely not cool for her to be all over some other guy. Especially some other guy who was such a douche bag. Finn really wants to punch that stupid asshole in the face. But then Rachel would just be madder at him and she would never forgive him and then he’d really never get to kiss her again and that was just dumb.
So when Santana asks to take his virginity he says yes. He isn’t even sure why, but it feels like a way to get back at Rachel for making the worst decision of her life by sleeping with that tool from Vocal Adrenaline and he is all about that. But when he and Santana go to that sleazy motel, he is so ready to back out. Because it’s kind of…sad. The whole thing. Being here with this girl that is super hot but that he isn’t even sure he likes and where there are cigarette burns on the bedspread and a line of ants leading under the sink in the bathroom. Even the light in the room feels sleazy- old and yellow and it makes everything look really unattractive. Even Santana, and that’s saying something.
But he’s not going to keep being a virgin when Rachel isn’t going to keep being a virgin because…something. Finn is never really good at thinking things through, but somehow that feels like losing, and he doesn’t want to lose. So he forces himself out of the bathroom and back into the hotel room. Santana looks bored and is filing her nails. “So are we doing this?” she asks, lifting an eyebrow. “Because there are so many better ways to spend my time if you’re going to spend the whole time in the bathroom freaking out.” Finn opens his mouth to say something, but Santana cuts him of with a haughty kind of laugh and an eye roll. “Come on, Hudson. Be a man for once.” And he’s not going to stand there and be insulted so he frowns and walks over to the bed and kisses her. She’s pretty and kind of soft, but the hardness in her eyes and the almost bored viciousness in her kisses makes Finn want to run away, but he feels like he’s made a decision and he can’t. And it’s over pretty fast, which doesn’t seem to surprise Santana and she seems less surprised when he doesn’t feel any better. While they sit there after, apart and so alone, Finn thinks about Rachel and how much prettier she is and how warm she made him feel and he knows he’s made a big mistake. But that’s kind of par for the course when you’re Finn Hudson. So he puts his pants on and drives Santana home and chalks it all up to another fuck up. He’s got such a collection already he doesn’t know why it bothers him so much.
Artie
He is sixteen and he doesn’t really know how any of this happened to him. He’s just this weird kid in a wheelchair. He has been since before he could really remember- that time before the accident feels hazy and far away and like he’s watching someone else’s life. And he really thought he’d always be that. The weird kid in the wheelchair who wears stupid sweaters because those are what his mom gets him and who likes doing stuff with the A/V club too much and likes hanging out with the jazz band kids too much. Then he went and added Glee into the mix, and he’s pretty sure he’ll be hopeless for the rest of his life. But somehow, he got this really awesome, really hot girl to like him. Even if she was all queen of darkness sometimes. But the thing is that he’s so sure she’s going to realize he’s not special that he acts like kind of a jerk to her more than he should. And when she breaks up with him, he knows he deserves it, but it still makes him feel so small and unwanted that he kind of wants to roll out into traffic. Especially when she comes back from summer vacation on the arm of Mike Chang who is kind of everything Artie wants to be but will never be able to be.
He’s kind of resigned himself to a life of awfulness, but then Brittany partners up with him in Glee. It’s kind of out of nowhere, because he’s pretty sure Brittany didn’t know he existed before because as nice as Brittany seems, she’s still a cheerleader and she’s kind of an airhead. That fact is only confirmed the more time he spends with her, but she’s also really sweet, and kinder than anyone he’s ever met before. Even if she sometimes says things that he doesn’t understand and makes him wonder if anyone has ever tried to teach her anything about the world. Artie is shocked nearly to death when Brittany says she wants to be his girlfriend, and he can’t really do anything but accept because Brittany is one of the hottest girls at school and she wants him of all people. It makes him feel big and important and like he could run a marathon. And he kind of wants to rub it in Tina’s face. How he could totally move on a land a hot popular person too. So there.
But really that is what makes it all fall apart. Tina. Because as much as he likes Brittany and thinks she’s sweet and super gorgeous, his heart still wants Tina. He hates that he can’t just turn that off, because this amazing person wants him and it’s just stupid to want someone else when he could have Brittany. He can’t believe he actually tells her that, but Brittany just surprises him again by actually picking him up and carrying him into her bed. And it feels a little wrong to give into this- Brittany straddling him and kissing him and very clearly going to have sex with him. Because he still really, really loves Tina. But Brittany is so pretty and actually wants him, which no one does, not really. So when she kisses him, he kisses her back and touches her and feels like he’s a man. Not like the kid who gets locked into port-a-potties and still wears clothes his mom buys him and is always going to be in a wheelchair. He feels like a normal teenager, being young and reckless and having sex with a pretty cheerleader. And that in itself is almost more awesome than the sex itself. And when it’s over, he has to concede that Brittany was right, because he doesn’t think about Tina once and he can’t help but be a little in love with Brittany already because she smiles at him with an innocent kind of joy and asks, “You feel better now, right? Because sex always makes people happy and I’m really good at it.” He has to agree and Brittany’s smile gets wider and she calls him an awesome boyfriend and Artie wants to hang on to this feeling forever.
Tina
She is sixteen years old and she is in love. It’s something she kind of likes to keep to herself, this kind of light inside of her. Because she’d never really felt it before. Light. Tina wears black for a reason. It’s not because she wants to be some cliché goth, its because she really has this kind of blackness in her soul that she needs to get out so it doesn’t tear her apart inside. Tina has never been good with people, they all seem strange and alien to her and it rips her apart inside. Sometimes she wants to reach out and try and connect, but it’s to hard and hurts too much so she fades back into the background.
But it’s so different with Mike. She didn’t even mean to like him. Or even talk to him. He was quiet like she was so it didn’t seem like saying more than hello and goodbye would ever happen. And Tina was okay with that. Because Mike belonged to that group she didn’t. That popular group that was decidedly not hers, even if they were in Glee together. But Asian camp was kind of terrifically boring. And it was hard not to watch Mike dance around because he was so bored, and then he would do things like take off his shirt and Tina might be all dark and intense, but she was also human and she was pretty sure even straight guys wanted to get their hands on those abs. She freaked out when he noticed her looking, but he was nice about it, and weirdly humble and suddenly they were talking everyday. And then he was doing things like making her picnic lunches and pushing her hair behind her ear and calling her beautiful. By the time camp was over, she was discovering exactly how nice it was to run her hands over those abs while she kissed him in the broom closet of the main rec room.
Tina realizes she’s in love with Mike halfway through her sophomore year when she tries to sing Mike a Valentine’s day song and suddenly can’t get through it because the feel of it is spilling out of her and it’s coming out as tears and she doesn’t even know why, but it’s so strong and perfect that she can’t help it. She’s strangely terrified when she has to explain it later, but Mike’s whole face lights up and he kisses her softly and tells her how much he loves her and everything is too perfect to be real. So when a few months later they’re making out in that same broom closet at Asian camp and Tina can feel how hard Mike is against her hip she feels a kind of thrill that makes the light bright feeling of love in her chest expand and burn hotter. And she whispers that she thinks she’s ready. And she thought that maybe they’d just do it then, especially with how Mike groaned against her lips, but they don’t. They talk about it. A lot, actually. And then Mike takes her out to a really nice dinner and they dance on this wide dance floor and he takes her back to her house since her parents are out of town. Tina thinks that maybe she should be afraid or nervous, but when Mike presses her back against her bed, she only feels safe and beautiful and loved. When she wakes up the next morning, Mike is drooling on her shoulder and Tina is so grateful that this is her life she cries and then laughs and wakes up Mike by kissing his neck so she can share this morning and this feeling with him. It’s love and it’s light and beautiful and Tina thinks nothing will ever be dark again.
Mike
He is seventeen years old and he wants to spend the rest of his life here. Here is curled up in Tina’s bed, her eyes fluttering as she struggles to stay awake. “Go to sleep, silly,” he murmurs and drops his head into the crook of her neck, kissing the skin there. It’s still a little salty with sweat, but that’s okay because it’s Tina and she’s everything. Tina says something in reply, but Mike doesn’t catch it, drifting a little himself. But he doesn’t think Tina will mind that he’s not paying attention, because they did just have sex for the first time, and he thinks he’s allowed to relish the feeling for a little longer.
He kind of loves how surprised Tina was when he told her that he hadn’t had sex before. But he’s always given off that vibe. Mike is nothing if not good at playing his part. He acts like this confident football player type because that’s who his dad wants him to be- because extra circulars are good for college and if he’s going to get into a ivy league he’ll need it. But deep down, the deep part of him where all of the dance comes from, he’s kind of a romantic. Mike had tons of girlfriends before Tina, because that was the part he’d decided to play, and sure he did some stuff with them, but he never really wanted to go all the way. Because he wanted it to mean more than it did to the other guys. Puck was an okay guy and all, but Mike didn’t want to be like him. He wanted something special. Something that he could remember with some kind of fondness forever.
And he has that now. He didn’t think it would be with Tina, who before Asian camp two summers ago had just been the quiet girl who shared his last name. But when they were out there, away from the rest of the world, he started to see the girl behind all of that. How smart and funny and pretty she was when she let people see her face. Mike doesn’t know if he really believes that there is just one person out there for you, but Tina sure felt like it. He was shocked to find out how much he loved her, because he doesn’t really think about his feelings a lot, but when he really let himself think about it, Tina is kind of everything to him. She believes in him and just wants him to be happy which seems like such a small thing, but its so big. And just when he thinks he can’t love her more, he’ll have a moment like this. Holding her close after they made love for the first time and feeling a kind of completeness that he didn’t know existed. He wants this to last forever, this kind of contentment and peace and wholeness. “I love you,” he whispers and she hums a little and holds him tighter. She’s fast asleep before she can respond, but Mike isn’t worried. She can tell him in the morning. Because they are going to wake up together and he can’t wait. He wants this to be his life forever.
Rachel
She is seventeen and she needs to apologize again. It’s not entirely her fault that she keeps putting her foot in her mouth. She thinks it’s all because she is a spoiled only child, or at least that is what her therapist says. Because she is too used to getting what she wants that sometimes she forgets about other people’s feelings. Rachel knows well enough that she is often selfish and lets her own ambition get in the way of being a good person. But she never sees it in time to stop herself and has to hurt people before she can see what a bad person she’s being. It’s just now occurring to her that maybe running for president against Kurt is a bad idea, and it took her longer than it should have to realize how much she’d hurt Finn.
But at least she isn’t too proud to apologize. She used to be once. And she grew out of it, thank God. She thinks Finn helped her with that, because even when he messes up, he wants to be a good person above all else. Rachel needs that in her life. Someone who cares about helping people more than she does. And Finn definitely does. He’s the first person to reach out to new people and even when he is a big doofus she still loves him and imagines marrying him and having beautiful children who will all be very talented and create the Berry legend. Like the Barrymore’s but better. So she makes sure she looks perfect and goes over to his house, ready to prostrate herself as much as she needs to. Because she wasn’t overstating when she was talking to Blaine earlier. Rachel firmly believes that Finn is her soul mate, because she’s loved him through everything they’ve been through and sometimes she’s sure Finn is the only person that can stand her and that means a lot.
Rachel had everything planned out to the last second- how exactly this apology would god. But when Finn opens the door he’s so upset he’s nearly crying and she feels her heart breaking when he explains it. She wishes she has the right words to make it better, but she doesn’t know what they are. But she does her best, because she loves him and when he cries, she wants to cry and curl up into his arms and make it all better. If she didn’t know already it would be a stupid suggestion she would sing to him, because sometimes she is sure her voice is the only worthwhile part about her. She didn’t really come over with the intention to try and have sex with him again, but something clicks in her head while she’s talking to him and she sees things she didn’t see before. That she wants him not because of what he can do for her but because of how he makes her feel. It’s a different kind of selfishness than before, a kind that is more theirs than hers. That they can create a tiny bubble for themselves where everything is perfect and lovely and he doesn’t have to be sad anymore because they will be one and she can carry it for him. She’s still a little nervous about it, but he grabs her hand and keeps whispering how much he loves her and how beautiful and soft and warm she is and sometimes Rachel can’t hear the words at all, but she can feel what’s behind the words and that’s enough. She doesn’t feel as different as she thought she would when it’s over, but she feels nice. Warm. Happy. And for once its not because she won something or was better than someone else. It’s because she’s in love and as much as her mind tells her that winning a Tony will be better than this, it’s hard to believe it when Finn smiles sleepily at her and curls an arm possessively around her waist. The fire is still crackling behind them and Rachel doubts there could be a more perfect moment in the world.
Kurt
He is seventeen years old and his heart feels like it’s going to burst out of his chest. “Hey.” He still keeps his eyes closed, but he can feel his lips curling up into a smile at the sound of that voice. “We don’t have to.” Kurt laughs softly and presses his forehead more firmly against his boyfriend’s, shaking his head a little and tightening his fingers on Blaine’s shoulder. He can feel Blaine’s knee sliding over his knee, and as much as they have spent a lot of time making out, that is strangely intimate. Maybe because now they’re lying down and maybe because Kurt had been pretty clear in what he wanted when they first got into Blaine’s room. Because he’d asked softly and distinctly even while blushing about condoms and lube and Blaine had blushed himself and had fumbled the things out of his drawer. But then they’d both laughed when they had to go digging for the lube behind Blaine’s dresser and that had made whatever nervous tension that had been building disappear and they’d kicked off their shoes and all but the closest layer of shirt and just fell together.
Kurt is pretty sure his boyfriend is going to say something else, probably something about how they could just lay like this forever, and Blaine would mean it and it would be nice to just live in this closeness but ever since Kurt saw how Blaine’s voice had caught in his throat and seen those tears sparkling in Blaine’s eyes any doubts about what he wanted had flown away. Because as much as Blaine had said it before and as much as Kurt had believed it, that was really the moment when he saw just how much Blaine loved him. And he had wanted. Kurt was still new to this, this wanting. He had been honest when he’d told Blaine how little he thought of sex before they’d gotten together. But then Blaine had kissed him for the first time and it had started to build. But only recently had it gotten this bad. That he would leave a make out session with Blaine feeling pulled taut and like he was going to burst. That he would spent time obsessing about Blaine’s ass and wondering how it would feel under his fingers. That he would think about what Blaine looked like naked and wonder when he would get the courage up to do something about it.
Before he can say anything, Kurt cuts him off with a kiss. Something soft and sweet, pulling his wrist away from Blaine’s hand so he can curve it around Blaine’s jaw and feel a slight rasp of stubble under his thumb. Blaine sighs against his lips and pushes closer, their legs tangling, sliding a hand down Kurt’s side to rest at his waist. And the want crashes over him like a wave and he’s suddenly kissing Blaine hard and deep, and the intimate warmth they were sharing turns into a kind of heat that leaves Kurt feeling laid bare and has Blaine whimpering and groaning under him. He hardly knows what he’s doing, but it all feels so natural and right that he doesn’t second guess himself, because the way Blaine looks at him with this kind of trust and love that makes him feel flawless. It’s all a little messier than he imagined it would be and sometimes awkward, but he can hardly care because he’s sure he’s never been more in love. Blaine says his name when he comes and it’s like a prayer, his eyes dark and wide and so beautiful Kurt wants to cry because this is his. It’s his and theirs and nothing will ever be able to take that away from him. This is everything he always wanted but thought he would never get and Kurt is never going to give it up. Because as much as he loves Blaine for being him, even if he is kind of a mega dork behind closed doors, he loves Blaine most for how much Blaine loves him. How much Blaine needs him. Kurt kisses Blaine softly again and it’s a promise.
Blaine
He is sixteen years old and he doesn’t deserve this. He’s pretty sure he doesn’t deserve much of anything, honestly. Not with how much he keeps screwing things up even when he tries so hard not to. But this is at the top of the list of things he doesn’t deserve. Because he didn’t think people like Kurt actually existed. Not outside of fantasies and movies. Blaine has always found Kurt to be a little bit perfect, even from that first moment he’d met him on that wide staircase at Dalton. It had taken him a long time to sort out his feelings, but when he had, Blaine couldn’t do anything but give himself completely over to what Kurt made him feel. Love didn’t seem like a big enough word for it, because Blaine felt like every molecule of his body yearned for Kurt in some way, but it was the best he could do. He doesn’t have much, but he wants to give it all to Kurt and he does his best to do it everyday. To give everything he has to the perfect human being who somehow manages to love him back.
But he still screws it up. Even when he tries so hard not to, he does stupid things. Things that have him waking up with blisters on his feet from walking too far and with a hangover that feels like its going to kill him and a pain in his chest so acute that he really hopes he will die. Because he’s done the one thing he’d been trying not to do all along- show Kurt exactly how flawed he is. How unworthy. How a little bit of alcohol makes him do and say things that are so wrong and hurtful and makes him hate himself so much more than he already did. And he probably makes it worse by avoiding Kurt, but he doesn’t think he’ll survive Kurt breaking up with him so he hides from it, hoping that if he doesn’t talk to Kurt, Kurt can’t break him. Because Blaine knows that if Kurt leaves him that’s exactly what he’ll be. Broken. But despite how sure he is that he’s finally screwed it up beyond all recognition, Kurt forgives him. And Blaine just wants to break down and cry because he doesn’t deserve another chance and he doesn’t deserve this person in his life because Kurt is too good for him. But he’s not stupid enough to turn it down because he is positive he has never wanted anything more than he wants Kurt and he is going to do whatever it takes to keep him forever.
He tells him that too. When they are finally naked and pressed against each other, exploring skin with soft, shaking fingers. Blaine brushes his thumb over Kurt’s hip, breath taken away by how beautiful Kurt is and how he loves him so much it hurts. “I want to keep you forever,” he says softly and Kurt looks at him oddly for a moment before he smiles, soft and private. He doesn’t respond, not with words and just presses his lips to a spot right over Blaine’s heart. Blaine feels that catch in his throat again, like he’s going to start crying but he doesn’t because Kurt looks so happy that he can’t do anything but beam back at him. And they just smile sappily at each other until they don’t because everything dissolves into heat and passion and Blaine didn’t know anything could feel so perfect and painfully brilliant and Kurt is like a star, burning bright and hot and Blaine wants to look away, but he can’t. And for just a little while, Kurt shares that with him, that brightness, and for the first time that he can remember, Blaine likes who he is. Because if he can make Kurt glow like that, then maybe he does deserve to be here. Kurt falls against him, sweaty and panting and Blaine pushes his face into the hollow of Kurt’s throat and licks the salt from his skin and promises and loves and threads his fingers with Kurt’s and knows he’ll be chasing this feeling for the rest of his life.