letter from toby:
*key: bold words are those written in pencil by toby after he printed the original letter, though before he gave it to me.*
note: letter is refering to event last night where toby was plotting an attempt to woo me and eventually kiss me while we were hanging out.
[22:45] fwugradiation: I'm still sorry D:
[22:46] fwugradiation: I was just like
[22:46] fwugradiation: "If I was gonna kiss her I'd smush her hair into her face and then tell her that line"
[22:46] fwugradiation: and people thought that was aww
[22:46] fwugradiation: so I thought I could get away with it
[22:46] Meebo Message: Tech Girl is offline
[22:47] fwugradiation: ... dammit!
[22:47] Meebo Message: vOiCeSnMyHeAdxoO appears offline. Your message may not be recieved.
No, but...
It really wasn't entirely like that. --> at all!
I thought that you understood what I thought constituted a kiss... and you just kept talking about your boyfriend and I was getting really upset over how crappy he is, I kind of felt like I could get away with a kiss if it was fast and we didn't tell anyone and we never mentioned it again and stuff but you're really, really dedicated, a lot more than you really need to be at all.
Even though he's a big butt and he totally doesn't deserve you at all and I wish you could just realize that a large fraction of your love for him is completely and utterly irrational and doesn't even deserve to be factored in until he really really proves himself to you, that you could just step back and see what he's seeing.
But... d-damn, this isn't about him!
It just became increasingly apparent as we were driving home that it was a bad idea, but I still had that line so I had to use it anyway. --> COME ON IT WAS AWESOME
It's hard not to have kissed anybody ever! When did you kiss someone, second grade? --> SHUT UP, DIXIE CUP!
It's hard not to sit in the car with you and have your brain yell at you to do crap! --> play mario!
I hyped this up too much with myself. --> Halo 3's gonna blow, yeah
I know that it was wrong and i feel really stupid about it.
I wanna be that friend that you can vent to, that you can trust with everything. --> uh yeah kinda
... I just can't help being jealous! I'm human!
It's just that... if he's your best friend, why can't you vent to him? Why isn't he the empathy person? If he understands you so well, why doesn't he even get it!? Why is that everything you've ever said about him been wrong besides the fact that he has a belly and he writes bad poetry?! Why is it that you can even CONSIDER being best friends with someone who doesn't love your goofiness as much as you?! If he's the person that gets everything out of it, why doesn't he make you comics instead of goin on AIM? Why doesn't he have to get shot down by you when he asks to get kissed?
^^ No, seriously. why.
I really, really want to be able to be the person you can vent to.
But I don't understand your love. --> yeah. no one does. he took advantage of you.
It makes me angry. --> because even if what I said is wrong I'm it's retarded anyway
I'm so, so, sorry. I'm even weaker than him --> A FROG IN A BLENDER IN ANTARCTICA!!!
I WANT you to be able to vent to me, because it's really good for you, and I'm still here. I really really want you to, but I know that if I tell you these things, you'll think that it's bad for me. I don't really care if anything's bad for me, as long as you have someone to vent to.. but... ^^ sentence change!
I really think this is just a right now problem so by tomorrow it should probably be fixed, snarf snarf, then you can tell me stuff again if you feel safe doing it. This is just my 11:06 talking.
^^ wtf? am I gonna try to eat you?
no, the problem is that you're like "toby you're great but I could never bring myself to like you. also I have a retarded boyfriend that takes me for granted here are some shitty things about him I like him better than you!!" which isn't what you're saying, but what gets communicated. I don't even like you today and I don't wanna be kissed so I can say that if he is a fuckhead, break up with him. otherwise, shut up and whine about something else.
* fin *
... so i figure as long as i should "whine about something else", i guess it'll be about toby.
you see... toby and i have this pattern: we develop friendship, become closer, i set boundaries, he shows he recognizes them, we begin hanging out more and more..... i start to finally trust him, then he does something stupid to show that really everything he says about "only wanting my happiness" is really contingent on the idea that i would be "happier with him", i.e. that i should break up with matt and be with him. this, in a word, sucks. because of this brief glimpse of true colors, i feel alienated and lash out at him, and he apologizes up and down, professing that it was a "moment of weakness" and that he "didn't really feel that way" and that all he wants is to be my friend... like before. being the understanding person that i am, i empathize and give him another chance... at which point this cycle repeats itself.
i'm not blaming toby for being human - far from it. i understand that it is really really difficult to navigate a situation in which you really like someone, and all they want is friendship ((especially when they're dating someone that you don't think is good for them)). you feel inadequate, you feel confused, you feel jealous... i get that.
the difference is, i gave toby too much credit. i have COUNTLESS times wasted my breath telling toby that i don't want to become romantically involved with him, nor do i ever forsee myself doing so. that, despite his disapproval, i love my boyfriend and want to stick it out with him. each and every time, toby pretends to understand, and goes well with it for a little while.... but then, inevitably, in however cute a manner, presents me with the proposition to cheat on my boyfriend! "to make a deserving boy happy, if only for a moment..."
NO. there isn't an excuse. i have, unfortunately, let my guard down with him enough to be my goofy, vivacious self, which i truly try to curb when i'm with him because i don't want him EVER to feel led on, or toyed with... i only got to this place after a YEAR of knowing the boy, eventually coming to trust him enough to allow myself to truly BE myself. i have issues with this with people in general, especially boys, because most male friends i have or have had in the past have really only been deeply invested because they harbor secret/obvious feelings for me. =/ i virtually have no one i can trust, or just be friends with, because most girls are ridiculously untrustworthy and tedious, while most guys only have ulterior motives.
i viewed toby as one of the few exceptions to the rule: yes, he has feelings for me, but he is up-front about it, and one of the few guys mature enough to appreciate that, though i recognize his feelings and genuinely want him to be happy, i can't be with him in that way, ESPECIALLY when i'm already deeply emotionally invested in someone else. this impression, to my dismay, is largely false. as much as toby doesn't want to admit it to me, or to himself, there will always be that part of him crying out for me to hold him, kiss him, tell him i feel the same flutterings in my chest as he does when he's near me.
In short, he is "A BOY". there is nothing all too remarkable about this... just, i gave him more credit. i know boys, and though toby is greatly superior to most, he is counted among them. and boys... will always want just that bit more.
"what if we kissed just this once really fast and never mentioned it again?"
....simply because it happened, once wouldn't be enough. "well, if she did it once...", and so on. he will always, inevitably, want more than i am willing or capable of giving. and that's a sad conclusion to come to....
the epiphany i've gained from this is that i have one very large character flaw: i have too much faith in people. i give them too much credit... fail to recognize that they are human, and therefore flawed. i just... i guess everyone expects the strength from others that they know that they have inside? so far, i've been largely disappointed. =/
BIG P.S. AFTER REREADING LETTER: why, after all that has happened, do you think that i could possibly be ok cheating IN GENERAL? whether it was to make you, or ANYONE, happy? how can i trust you/vent to you as a friend... at the moment in our friendship where i finally feel comfortable doing so, you choose to throw it in my face "shut up and whine about something else" ... geez man, all of you people in my life are really proving to me how stupid it is to trust people. =/ i KNOW that it's hard being in your place... but what about mine? therein lies the point: who's complaining about their life, you or me? now who should shut up and change their whining topic? how much do you have to deal with, really... compare your life to mine. i won't make any comments, any assumptions... just, do that for me. be honest with yourself. now.... this situation is harder for who?
....how can i feel comfortable spending time with you, talking to you, when i know that all that is really on your mind is the attractive ulterior motive of "somehow make emily love me"?....exactly. i can't.
...and now i have to go to fucking work.. -.-;; llame.
note: letter is refering to event last night where toby was plotting an attempt to woo me and eventually kiss me while we were hanging out.
[22:45] fwugradiation: I'm still sorry D:
[22:46] fwugradiation: I was just like
[22:46] fwugradiation: "If I was gonna kiss her I'd smush her hair into her face and then tell her that line"
[22:46] fwugradiation: and people thought that was aww
[22:46] fwugradiation: so I thought I could get away with it
[22:46] Meebo Message: Tech Girl is offline
[22:47] fwugradiation: ... dammit!
[22:47] Meebo Message: vOiCeSnMyHeAdxoO appears offline. Your message may not be recieved.
No, but...
It really wasn't entirely like that. --> at all!
I thought that you understood what I thought constituted a kiss... and you just kept talking about your boyfriend and I was getting really upset over how crappy he is, I kind of felt like I could get away with a kiss if it was fast and we didn't tell anyone and we never mentioned it again and stuff but you're really, really dedicated, a lot more than you really need to be at all.
Even though he's a big butt and he totally doesn't deserve you at all and I wish you could just realize that a large fraction of your love for him is completely and utterly irrational and doesn't even deserve to be factored in until he really really proves himself to you, that you could just step back and see what he's seeing.
But... d-damn, this isn't about him!
It just became increasingly apparent as we were driving home that it was a bad idea, but I still had that line so I had to use it anyway. --> COME ON IT WAS AWESOME
It's hard not to have kissed anybody ever! When did you kiss someone, second grade? --> SHUT UP, DIXIE CUP!
It's hard not to sit in the car with you and have your brain yell at you to do crap! --> play mario!
I hyped this up too much with myself. --> Halo 3's gonna blow, yeah
I know that it was wrong and i feel really stupid about it.
I wanna be that friend that you can vent to, that you can trust with everything. --> uh yeah kinda
... I just can't help being jealous! I'm human!
It's just that... if he's your best friend, why can't you vent to him? Why isn't he the empathy person? If he understands you so well, why doesn't he even get it!? Why is that everything you've ever said about him been wrong besides the fact that he has a belly and he writes bad poetry?! Why is it that you can even CONSIDER being best friends with someone who doesn't love your goofiness as much as you?! If he's the person that gets everything out of it, why doesn't he make you comics instead of goin on AIM? Why doesn't he have to get shot down by you when he asks to get kissed?
^^ No, seriously. why.
I really, really want to be able to be the person you can vent to.
But I don't understand your love. --> yeah. no one does. he took advantage of you.
It makes me angry. --> because even if what I said is wrong I'm it's retarded anyway
I'm so, so, sorry. I'm even weaker than him --> A FROG IN A BLENDER IN ANTARCTICA!!!
I WANT you to be able to vent to me, because it's really good for you, and I'm still here. I really really want you to, but I know that if I tell you these things, you'll think that it's bad for me. I don't really care if anything's bad for me, as long as you have someone to vent to.. but... ^^ sentence change!
I really think this is just a right now problem so by tomorrow it should probably be fixed, snarf snarf, then you can tell me stuff again if you feel safe doing it. This is just my 11:06 talking.
^^ wtf? am I gonna try to eat you?
no, the problem is that you're like "toby you're great but I could never bring myself to like you. also I have a retarded boyfriend that takes me for granted here are some shitty things about him I like him better than you!!" which isn't what you're saying, but what gets communicated. I don't even like you today and I don't wanna be kissed so I can say that if he is a fuckhead, break up with him. otherwise, shut up and whine about something else.
* fin *
... so i figure as long as i should "whine about something else", i guess it'll be about toby.
you see... toby and i have this pattern: we develop friendship, become closer, i set boundaries, he shows he recognizes them, we begin hanging out more and more..... i start to finally trust him, then he does something stupid to show that really everything he says about "only wanting my happiness" is really contingent on the idea that i would be "happier with him", i.e. that i should break up with matt and be with him. this, in a word, sucks. because of this brief glimpse of true colors, i feel alienated and lash out at him, and he apologizes up and down, professing that it was a "moment of weakness" and that he "didn't really feel that way" and that all he wants is to be my friend... like before. being the understanding person that i am, i empathize and give him another chance... at which point this cycle repeats itself.
i'm not blaming toby for being human - far from it. i understand that it is really really difficult to navigate a situation in which you really like someone, and all they want is friendship ((especially when they're dating someone that you don't think is good for them)). you feel inadequate, you feel confused, you feel jealous... i get that.
the difference is, i gave toby too much credit. i have COUNTLESS times wasted my breath telling toby that i don't want to become romantically involved with him, nor do i ever forsee myself doing so. that, despite his disapproval, i love my boyfriend and want to stick it out with him. each and every time, toby pretends to understand, and goes well with it for a little while.... but then, inevitably, in however cute a manner, presents me with the proposition to cheat on my boyfriend! "to make a deserving boy happy, if only for a moment..."
NO. there isn't an excuse. i have, unfortunately, let my guard down with him enough to be my goofy, vivacious self, which i truly try to curb when i'm with him because i don't want him EVER to feel led on, or toyed with... i only got to this place after a YEAR of knowing the boy, eventually coming to trust him enough to allow myself to truly BE myself. i have issues with this with people in general, especially boys, because most male friends i have or have had in the past have really only been deeply invested because they harbor secret/obvious feelings for me. =/ i virtually have no one i can trust, or just be friends with, because most girls are ridiculously untrustworthy and tedious, while most guys only have ulterior motives.
i viewed toby as one of the few exceptions to the rule: yes, he has feelings for me, but he is up-front about it, and one of the few guys mature enough to appreciate that, though i recognize his feelings and genuinely want him to be happy, i can't be with him in that way, ESPECIALLY when i'm already deeply emotionally invested in someone else. this impression, to my dismay, is largely false. as much as toby doesn't want to admit it to me, or to himself, there will always be that part of him crying out for me to hold him, kiss him, tell him i feel the same flutterings in my chest as he does when he's near me.
In short, he is "A BOY". there is nothing all too remarkable about this... just, i gave him more credit. i know boys, and though toby is greatly superior to most, he is counted among them. and boys... will always want just that bit more.
"what if we kissed just this once really fast and never mentioned it again?"
....simply because it happened, once wouldn't be enough. "well, if she did it once...", and so on. he will always, inevitably, want more than i am willing or capable of giving. and that's a sad conclusion to come to....
the epiphany i've gained from this is that i have one very large character flaw: i have too much faith in people. i give them too much credit... fail to recognize that they are human, and therefore flawed. i just... i guess everyone expects the strength from others that they know that they have inside? so far, i've been largely disappointed. =/
BIG P.S. AFTER REREADING LETTER: why, after all that has happened, do you think that i could possibly be ok cheating IN GENERAL? whether it was to make you, or ANYONE, happy? how can i trust you/vent to you as a friend... at the moment in our friendship where i finally feel comfortable doing so, you choose to throw it in my face "shut up and whine about something else" ... geez man, all of you people in my life are really proving to me how stupid it is to trust people. =/ i KNOW that it's hard being in your place... but what about mine? therein lies the point: who's complaining about their life, you or me? now who should shut up and change their whining topic? how much do you have to deal with, really... compare your life to mine. i won't make any comments, any assumptions... just, do that for me. be honest with yourself. now.... this situation is harder for who?
....how can i feel comfortable spending time with you, talking to you, when i know that all that is really on your mind is the attractive ulterior motive of "somehow make emily love me"?....exactly. i can't.
...and now i have to go to fucking work.. -.-;; llame.