the update-update!
so he is really lost. he totally doesn't know what he wants. a normal person would blame him for that, especially when 12 hours ago he said OVER AND OVER how being with me was WHAT HE WANTED, that he was solid in that conviction... but i'm no normal gal. i'm emily. and... i can be what he needs right now. a friend, not an ailing girlfriend. idk from where inside of me this ability comes, but i have it... he really needs a friend. he's really questioning himself. my heart goes out to him..... in more ways than one. =/ but you know what! i'm helping him slowly work it out... even if his conclusion is that he doesn't want me anymore. i'll help him get to a place where he can live with the decision, whatever it is.
i see you for who you really are. and, despite your mistakes, i accept you. honestly, i guess that's what it is. matthew, i accept you. for whoever you become. i'll always love you! i'll always have love for you, so don't be afraid of losing that... of course the girlfriend in me wants to lie and say "no i couldn't be friends with you if you leave me!!" but..... i know thats not true. and at least ONE of us should be fully honest right now. ^.*
anyway... i could never fully lose you from my life, because you are so many things to me. i know you feel the same way because a really big part of whats holding you back from leaving me is the idea that you'll lose me completely ((something you can't possibly cope with.)) well... if you really feel that our path as lovers is over, then it's a sad, sad, thing. honestly, looking into the future.... i could see us making this. but if you really want to know what i think will happen? i think you'll leave me. i think you'll make a full break.... maybe it'll take a semester, maybe a year or two... but eventually, i'm afraid that you'll come to regret this decision. because, you see, i'll still be in your life. and you'll realize that you love me, but you weren't ready for it... or that you had to prove it to yourself through being single, or with others. that sad part is that... i don't know if i could wait, KNOWING that you were sharing your bed with others, for however long it takes for you to come to that realization... i look down the road and see myself with some other person that i come to truly love, and have you suddenly explain that it really was what you wanted all along.
part of me feels like you'll never really be with me again until you prove that 'with me' is where you want to be. its just sad... because i know you, and i think it is. i think part of you wants to prove it to yourself... and you can't just go on my word, this i know.
but if you could somehow believe me, know that right now, i don't speak from a place of self-interest. i speak on your behalf.. this is what i see.
i just... don't want you to end up hurting yourself.
i am your best friend. this is all i have, right now. but i am here for you through all things.
<3 10.1.05
i see you for who you really are. and, despite your mistakes, i accept you. honestly, i guess that's what it is. matthew, i accept you. for whoever you become. i'll always love you! i'll always have love for you, so don't be afraid of losing that... of course the girlfriend in me wants to lie and say "no i couldn't be friends with you if you leave me!!" but..... i know thats not true. and at least ONE of us should be fully honest right now. ^.*
anyway... i could never fully lose you from my life, because you are so many things to me. i know you feel the same way because a really big part of whats holding you back from leaving me is the idea that you'll lose me completely ((something you can't possibly cope with.)) well... if you really feel that our path as lovers is over, then it's a sad, sad, thing. honestly, looking into the future.... i could see us making this. but if you really want to know what i think will happen? i think you'll leave me. i think you'll make a full break.... maybe it'll take a semester, maybe a year or two... but eventually, i'm afraid that you'll come to regret this decision. because, you see, i'll still be in your life. and you'll realize that you love me, but you weren't ready for it... or that you had to prove it to yourself through being single, or with others. that sad part is that... i don't know if i could wait, KNOWING that you were sharing your bed with others, for however long it takes for you to come to that realization... i look down the road and see myself with some other person that i come to truly love, and have you suddenly explain that it really was what you wanted all along.
part of me feels like you'll never really be with me again until you prove that 'with me' is where you want to be. its just sad... because i know you, and i think it is. i think part of you wants to prove it to yourself... and you can't just go on my word, this i know.
but if you could somehow believe me, know that right now, i don't speak from a place of self-interest. i speak on your behalf.. this is what i see.
i just... don't want you to end up hurting yourself.
i am your best friend. this is all i have, right now. but i am here for you through all things.
<3 10.1.05