so there's this boy...
my matthew. the only boy i've ever truly loved... sometimes, the only reason i keep going. my reason to smile. the secret i carry around inside.. the source of my joy. the reason i feel special, feel beautiful. and most of all... feel loved by someone else, feel the amazing intense beauty of being loved by someone who is your everything.
he goes to college. i spent the entire summer trying to give him an out, saying that i would understand if he wanted to break up with me before he went to school, so it wouldn't be harder for him.. but no. he EMPHATICALLY responded, every time, that we were Bigger Than This... bigger than the distance, than the separation. that our love was too deep to be affected by petty things like living in different states. like having mostly separate lives, for the first time... and i believed him. why not? after all, he's my matthew. what he says is the truth, because it's him saying it.
so we stayed together, determined to 'Bravely Blaze A Trail For High School Sweethearts Everywhere'... not exactly how it worked out. =/
we dropped him off on a saturday. i kept stressing over what i was going to wear ((why??)) because for some reason, it was REALLY IMPORTANT... ((i think i wanted to impress his roommates/new friends, give him something to be proud of. make him feel even more special on this huge day.))
in any case, when i worked all of this out, we drove down, dumped out his stuff, ate, and.... left.
just left? yes. i didn't even get to kiss him goodbye, because of the impatient urgings of his parents, and truly, his excitement to be on his own in this amazing new place, his new home. so i dealt with that... i knew it was his time to shine.
i had the HARDEST TIME being at home! all i wanted to do was call him to see if i could come over, and play metroid in the new gaming chair i got for him =P it didn't seem real that suddenly he was out of reach... and i was terrified of over-calling, -iming, -relatively contacting him at all! too much.. so i didn't at all. ((or tried not to... O=] ))
we talked on monday. he told me about the amazing time he was having, and i told him how much i was missing him, and how FUCKING EXCITED i was about him being in this new place, with all of these new people that accept him for who he is. i was pumpeD!
"yes, someone finally sees this amazing boy for the true person he is, like I do! He so deserves this..."
He told me about Chelsea. This really cool, nice girl who he had befriended the previous day, and spent all night with because she was So Awesome. OF COURSE a tiny voice in my head goes " =/" a little because you know... i want to be spending the night with him. =) taking those moonlit strolls... but its ok. He has a friend that he's really connected with, within 3 days of being there. Again, i'm happy for him. He then tells me that he doesn't want me to come down and see him, like we had previously planned. I reminded him that if i didn't it would be at least till the end of the week, but he was cool with that. so i was too. i remembered that he should be allowed to settle in, on his own... you know, DIVE IN. that whole concept... he didn't need his girlfriend-from-home coming and idk.. making it harder for him. y'know? i did. i was so confident that i Understood. so i gave him his space. =)
we talked sparsely throughout the rest of the week, but i kind of enjoyed it.. it made each fone call, each time HE imed ME, that much more exciting. "he was thinking of me!" etc. etc. Also, i wanted this first weekend, the first time since i saw him when we dropped him off, to be that much better... truly, i was more excited about seeing him, about hearing about his first week ((exciting!)) of his college experience, than i have been about.. really, anything. I rarely let myself get excited, but matt is the #1 exception to all of my massive reserve. The only slight area of discomfort was that whenever we did talk, he was always with Chelsea. his new best friend! Most of me - excited, because obviously he must really gel with this girl if he's spending so much time with her. this is so good, he has someone to be there for him, to be there for, when i can't be... this is good. (( little voice "is it now? ok, i guess.... =/" ))
we talked again that thursday.. he told me how much he loved me, how much he missed me, and how all of the emotions rushing through me were mirrored by his. I remember thinking about how musical his voice was, about how i could just fall into those deep tones and stay laying, eclipsed, forever.
friday came. i was walking on sunshine. i was Happy. this college stuff isn't so hard! sure, we won't see each other every weekend, but who the hell cares! it'll make each time we see each other that much more meaningful. And better yet, i had reached the end of my first-week-marathon. 6 days had past and we had only talked on the fone maybe 2 or 3 times, for short bursts. i was doing good! I didn't call him all day because i wanted to make it that much better when i did see him.
**this is time for an aside: i'm in the marching band at my school. plan to be for the rest of h.s. he was too, so he's very used to the whole thing, and how fun it can be if you are COOL ENOUGH TO WEAR THE FUZZY HAT. - which i am. =P **
finally, the game! it was here! the time at which we, the star-crossed lovers, had planned to meet, and whisper sweet nothings into the other's tender ear! or at least, it could have been that intense, if you were merely judging on my degree of excitement, of agitation. i spent 2 and a half hours before report time showering, straightening and styling my crazy mane of curls, and carefully applying and evaluating my makeup until i had reached satisfaction that i was Hot Stuff, even though i knew that the minute i got into my uniform it would all melt off and my hair would sproing back into its customary frizzy unruliness... but i didn't care. i was allowing myself to be silly and blissfully lovesick. i wanted to reward matt for his solidarity, for his commitment, and this big achievement! of staying together, and bravely setting off into the unpredictable unknown, the scary lair of the college monster. and who knows, maybe i wanted to remind him of what he had waiting for him at home... O=]
in any case, my trappings had long since expired by the time he got there, about 50 seconds before we had to leave the stands and do the halftime show.. but so what! i saw the bouncing hair, the plaid shorts, and the adorably Matt mandals, and i shoved my saxophone into someone's unsuspecting arms, literally leaped a row of chairs, and bounded into my baby's arms. whoosh! i was floating in midair... no wait, he was still holding me. =) o god, this feels so good... i can smell his own little smell, this amazing blend of safety, goofiness, and sweet deep understanding in the crook of his neck; feel his soft hair against my hands as i greedily hold him to me.. and it is good. i doubt i could pass a sobriety test right now, i'm so drunk on Him. he gives me a winning smile and tells me to "go get 'em!" i smile too, because i'm thinking about what i'll be doing to him later, everything i want to do right at that second.. but there'll be time. I go do the show, and every face of the audience is his, smiling down at me, proud and happy.. and i feel proud, to be the subject of this favor.
i get back to the stands, run up and kiss him. he's with corey and robin, 2 of our friends in the same situation: corey at college, robin in high school. i leave him with them to go say "hi" to friends from the opposing school's band, kids that i had met @ SYMS. see how good i'm doing! now that i have him, i'm not even hanging all over him! i am the giving-space queen! i get back and hold him again, just watch him as he talks to everyone else he hasn't seen in a while.. his mouth looks so full and sensual when he talks, his laugh is so funny it makes me laugh. there's a light and a joy in his eyes that possesses me. "his perfectly formed wavy hair, the envy of every skater that wears a trucker hat after showering, flutters in the soft breeze." etc. etc., sappy silliness. god i really do love this boy! i say to myself. my inner cynic is stifling laughter, but you know what? for once, i don't care. i allow myself to be this silly. and it's ok. because he is too. =)
that is, until he sits me down. "baby, i have some bad news... i don't really think you should stay over tomorrow night. i have too much going on. sorry." i can't help it.. i cry, a little. its just so frustrating! not only did i make it through this preliminary trial, but i went into overtime! i want my prize... and its sad. he says he has too much homework, and the logical side of me sees that he makes a valid point.. but still, its sad. he seems shocked, genuinely surprised, at this reaction. "babe, it's ONLY BEEN A WEEK." he scoffs. i'm hurt! but what a week it has been! this year-week. but i see that my test really isn't over. the only thing i can't deal with is... he doesn't seem to be too bothered. better yet, not bothered at all. he starts being really.. odd. i don't know any other word for it. he's his goofy, happy self, but.. there's something off. like a studied actor wearing a matt mask. i'm not sure how, but i can tell the difference. i begin to cry harder, hiding my tears. what is going on? who is this guy? give me my matt. show me the boy who cares about my tears. this one laughs and walks away.
then end of the game comes and my Bubble Has Been Burst. wtf, mate? everyone around me worries over my tears. they saw the way he acted, and reaffirm my idea that he is being inconsiderate, and really... weird. several offer to give him a "talking-to". =P
i'm still upset when i arrive back at the school to change, and he's there. my method of "being hurt" is to try ((and fail)) to hide it, acting as cool as i can, which is so the opposite of my normal warm candor that anyone who knows me can tell at the drop of a hat. but i do it anyway.
"babe, did you want to go out tonight?"
"well, yeah.. i had plans with people here. i just figured you'd want to come along and see some friends."
"well, have fun then.. i just want to go home."
O.O not see him tomorrow? not see him tonight?! what is the world coming to. i go change, and then we talk downstairs.
"what is going on? what has gotten into you?"
"why are you taking this all so seriously? hon, it's only been a week!"
"well it would feel a lot shorter if i was actually seeing my boyfriend right now. can you go get him for me?" ::storm away::
"god you're so impossible! why do you always need the last word?"
etc. etc.
my heart is breaking. why are we fighting?? all i want to do is tackle him there on the floor and kiss him all over. at what point did we mess up tonight? i can't remember. =/
i go out to eat with 2 friends who are Bothered by his behavior, and he shows up ((good thing?)), acting like nothing happened, like his silly flirty self... normally i'd be elated, but its still "off". its not really his behavior, just a really really good play at it. when we leave, i follow him back to his house.
we arrive and just... collapse on the couch. i really want to forget about the beginning of the night and curl up with him, but it really bothers me that i won't get to see him... not even as much that, as that he doesn't understand why it would bother me. matt would get that in a second! why can't you?
it doesn't matter right now. take advantage of the time you have. we go upstairs, turn the lights off, and Don't Sleep for a long time O=] and i'm happy... so happy. still hurt, still worried in the back of my mind, but who fucking cares! i have my baby with me here, now. =) we talk for a long time afterwards, i try to make him understand but i see that he doesn't... still, i make the effort to show him what i'm thinking. he's taught me to just tell him whatever's bothering me, instead of bottling it up... i think i'm doing what he wants ((it's what he's always asked for)). i tell him how hard the week was, and implore him to tell me about his... he gives sparse details, briefly describing his roommates, his classes. i make some silly joke about being too distracted by Chelsea to remember the week, hoping to get him to smile. =) he smiles, but it never reaches his eyes... "don't worry babe. you're WAY cuter than her." whatever. he doesn't get it... but it's too late for this conversation. let the boy sleep. we curl up together... cuddle closely and listen to each other's sleepy-noises. his breath tickles my ear.... his arms are warm and inviting. how wonderful, i think, that i can fall asleep nuzzled into his chest...
we wake up early. i kiss him softly and he smiles up at me. he looks the sweetest when he's sleeping, or when he's just woken up.. so soft, so vulnerable, like everything in the world is as at-peace as he is. he grabs me and pretends to kiss me, ending up blowing a raspberry on my neck. i giggle and we get up, get prepared to leave for UML again. i secretly bring a bag of extra clothes, my school things.... maybe he'll change his mind, i think. O=]
we headbang the whole ride down, and its him... its matt again. it feels so good.. the heady sunlight compliments him. i smile.
we arrive, drive up, and begin looking for parking. we briefly spat about where to go, which would normally be some silly thing forgotten 2 minutes after the fact, but... my smile fades slowly. his face is sour. what is going on? why are these little things bothering him? what am i doing wrong?
i commit myself, for the rest of the day, to change whatever it is that i'm doing that is so irritating, and make an effort to be extra-nice. the first thing we do is find Chelsea, and he introduces us. this girl is pretty cool, i'm thinking, as she slowly picks out the once-learned ((and sick!)) bass line to hysteria, by muse. I'm my normal silly self, and she seems to like me too. still, she seems a little awkward... well maybe she's shy. it'll wear off. after all, she likes matt! she's bound to like me... and vice versa. =)
matt and i go upstairs and... yes. play video games. how lame are we! After a while, i slowly broach the subject with him... "so babe, i was thinking... i have homework too. if you start doing your homework now, and i do as well... maybe we could get enough done so that i could stay over tonight! what do you think?" he doesn't act as excited as i thought, but he accepts the idea, at least. so we work. he keeps calling Chelsea up to the room to hang out with us (( little voice: why is he paying her so much more attention? why does everything i do bother him and everything she's doing make him smile? )). and she keeps slinking out.. maybe she's sick of watching him play video games, i think. i know i've been there! we start to work, but its like every little thing i do bothers him... he keeps lashing out at me. i'm sad and confused, but still so excited to just be there. as of last night, i hadn't thought i would be, and i feel lucky. besides, i thought, we have today and early tomorrow to be together, and have fun.. we'll work out whatever 's bothering him by then.
eventually we decide that we're hungry. matt inevitably calls Chelsea to see if she wants to have dinner with us ((at this point i'm used to him calling her every 5 seconds)), and we three set off, eventually finding some grungy pizza joint that fits our 3-way LOW BUDGET. She doesn't like just any pizza. she'll only have hawaiian or "plain". in my world, there is no plain pizza. but thats ok... some people have their tastes, and i know matt likes hawaiian. i'll deal. ((little voice: but why does she get to pick? ))
so we eat, we chat, we walk, we talk. this girl seems wicked chill. i see why he's choosing her as a "super-awesome friend", if you will... but still, she seems like she's hiding some hidden discomfort. and this boy's matt mask keeps slipping every so often.
so on the surface, its a good day. but in reality... by the end, i already know. or at least, little voice does.
we get back to the dorms and are met by a harsh reality we had forgotten: those under the age of 17 require 48-hour written notice from a parent in order to enter the dorms, let alone stay overnight. I WANT TO KICK SOMEONE! this blows. but whatever... we can't do anything about it. we collect my stuff and head towards my car. he seems like he's all too happy to see me go, like it's this big relief... and you know what? as enamored as i am over this boy, i have my limits. we pack up the car and then i whirl around. i don't have to go yet, i say. i just can't get into the dorm. let's take a walk... he nervously complies. he can't look at me. he stares everywhere but in my direction.
i force him to look at me square in the eyes.
" i love you more than anything, but i don't have the time nor the energy to mess around. moreso than that, i just want you to be happy. i depend on you for many things, and i'm terrified of continuing to do so while you're here, but you know what? i can't hold back, with you. you are the first thought when i wake, and the last before i finally fall alseep at night. you, matt, my best friend, my confidant, my lover. but despite all of this, despite whatever pain it causes, i love you. i love you enough to let you go. i love you enough to set you free, if i know its what you want... i just need you to be happy. if i can't make you be, then you shouldn't be kidding yourself, or me. i deserve more than that.
don't be so concerned about hurting me, if what you really want is for us to break. if this is too hard for you, and you've gone so far as to admit it to yourself, then the only thing holding you back is your fear of hurting me. you don't think you can deal with that guilt... well newsflash. i'm a big girl. i know pain, i can deal with pain. the only thing i can't deal with is dishonesty. so stop lying to me! don't waste my time. i'm stronger than you. i can take it the truth."
^^part direct quote, part general idea.
he looks at me with terrified eyes. "i'm so sorry." he can't hold my gaze. i really am stronger...
"i kissed her." it sends a shockwave through my entire body... but i don't let him see it. i don't let him see me break.
"i know." i say, forcing him to look in my eyes. and i did know...
"how many times?"
"...three..."
"different days?"
"yes..."
"was the first on that lovely moonlit stroll/night you spent together the night before i was supposed to visit you, after which you told me not to, the day of?"
"......which moonlit stroll?" that hurts more than knowing that he cheated.
we talk, and i'm stuck in an eery calm. i know i have control of this situation.. and he doesn't deserve to see my pain. i "send him to fetch Chelsea". all i say is that we need to talk...
i'm sure he expects me to scream at her, and she expects me to attack her the moment she steps outside. i step up to her and i can visibly see them pulsing from the tension.
"i hear you have a boyfriend too. i'm sure the guilt you're feeling is enough... but what i can't imagine, is how you made it through today. i've gotten to know you enough, i can tell you have a conscience. this must have been EATING YOU UP inside to see me, to know me, to make real ((and come to like!)) the girl you know whose heart you've helped break. i can't fathom why matt would put you through something like that, forcing you to hang out with us, have dinner with us, flirt with you in front of me... that must have been so ridiculously painful and awkward! you've gone through hell today. are you ok?"
matt kind of goes catatonic, and she starts crying. "why couldn't you be a bitch? god it would be so much easier to live with myself...."
i talk to them like ... like an admonishing authority figure. sure, i have control over the situation, but i'm on total autopilot... there's nothing inside. i'm a vacuum.
i'm really proud of myself for handling it as i did. i took it with much more grace than most... but does that matter? my world is upside down. i kept trying to ignore my instincts, even at the point where the signs were staring me in the face. all that could make it real was his voice... his musical voice, with the deep enveloping tones. i stared at him, and his beauty was so perverse that i was sick to my stomach. the only time he apologized was right when he was finally admitting to it, and as i see it, that only covers being sorry for me having to drag it out of him, instead of him being responsible enough, ADULT enough, to own up to his own mistakes, and accept the consequences.
i KNOW i'm too emotional to drive.
we march back up to the dorm and convince them that my car is broken down, my family is in maine, and there's no one who can come help me. i tell them that my only alternative is to sleep in the car, on the streets of lowell. that shocks them into action, and after HOURS of negotiation, they begrudgingly bend the rules. ((score for me and matt: his game plan, but i knew how to play them.))
i'm still clinging to my autopilot! i'll break as soon as i'm alone. we make it to his room ((we have it to ourselves)) and he leaves to brush his teeth. here it comes....
i screw my eyes shut, but i can't block out the image... all i can see is the two of them locked in some terrible embrace, and then him and i, last night, Not Sleeping... suddenly, its like i've forgotten how to breathe. the left side of my chest feels like its stuck in a trash compactor, and the room gets hazy. i'm only partially conscious that i've sunken to the floor as i throw all of myself into concentrating on air.. sweet, precious, invaluable air! gaseous gold! its not coming... i'm shaking. this has never happened before, but i know what's going on. i try to fight the vicious panic bubbling through my chest, causing my heart to pound so hard that it feels like its bruising my ribcage, but all i can see is that stupid, terrible embrace... and his sick smile.
suddenly, i feel them! those strong, warm, inviting arms that have held me through so many pains, so many wounds.. they are my anchor, and slowly i begin to breathe. i look up, excited to see him, but! ... no. it's matt mask guy. only with a look of horror on his face...
i think that may have finally reached him. then again, there's no way of knowing... he won't talk to me. he insists that he needs Time To Think, and that i shouldn't blame him for not knowing what to say, or how to respond. i fervently disagree, but i'm nice enough ((WHY?)) to simply let him lay there as i sob to myself, trying to convince whatever's in me that it is "emily's fault". god, what did i deprive him of that was so important that he went searching for it in the arms of a stranger? what horrible thing did i do to push him into her waiting arms? ...finally, i realize.
i did nothing wrong. this isn't my fault. i lie awake, staring at the ceiling. he snores, rolls into me.. at least one of us can sleep. its probably the longest night of my life...
i wake up the next morning, and its matt beside me, looking into my eyes, all sweet and vulnerable like he always his when he wakes... and he's looking at my and his eyes are begging me to help him escape the pain, the shame and this guilt thats suffocating him. he plays one of our songs... we hold each other and cry. i play another, and he cries harder. i sing to him through my tears in a halting, gasping voice, thick with fatigue and pain and he stares at me as if in disbelief that all of this is real ((i know the feeling)). he gets a fone call... the moment is broken. i set off to get dressed and pretty ((if there ever was a day when i had an intense need to look cute, it would be then)), and then, while he's still in bed, i take the stupid hawaiian pizza from the night before, and go to Chelsea's room.
she genuinely looks scared when i open the door, like maybe i'll finally start showing some awful wrath that i hid the night before ((i can tell that it's the last thing she'd need)). but no... i kind of give her a weak smile, and heft the pizza. "breakfast?"
we talk for a good hour. i'm sure she's still wondering why the hell i opened up to her, but i felt sympathy for where she was.. through it all, she's a good person. i mean, i know matt's a good person... they both just made a Big Mistake. The reason why i'm more comfortable talking to her than matt ((a sad thing)) is that cheating was the only mistake she made, and cheating to me was one of the far lesser evils of all of the things matt ((matt mask guy?)) had done as of late.
she told me that she didn't have feelings for him.. that she was furious at him for putting her in the position he did, that she was more sorry than she could tell me about how things went down.. i believed it at the time. i'm in a hard place now because matt has been the most honest person in my life, and i barely know her... he contradicts much of what she said to me, even after i EMPHATICALLY said that if there were to be lies told, i might as well leave, all i had time for was the truth. whatever... i guess what really got to me is what she told me towards the end. she truly thought he would be happier without me in his life. that we had had an amazing run, that he would never forget the good times, but that he needed to "move on with his life" and experience the dating pool, something he'd never done. She said that he had told her all of this, and that he was nearly positive in his convictions, and that all that was holding him back was, again, his fear of causing me pain. that he felt "tied down" or "trapped" in our relationship.. that it was "too much" for him.. and that she sympathized with him! that it was the same way she was feeling about her relationship.
i know she thought she was doing him a favor, but the worst thing possible was for me to hear this from someone else. i stared her down and told her that i didn't trust matt to resist trying to kiss her again, that because of that horrible fact, i needed to trust her, a complete stranger, someone who normally i'd be the LEAST INCLINED TO TRUST IN THE WORLD ((she did help my boyfriend cheat on me. three different times.)) to... to stop it. to stop him. every word burned... she said yes.
but what good is this? i think. for all i know, he's planning his "breakup speech" as we speak.. she goes on to tell me that the last kiss had been on THURSDAY NIGHT. try to remember the significance of this: the night he called me, told me how he missed me and loved me, how he couldn't WAIT to see me... thursday night. that it happened there, in her room. that she said "omg hon, you're seeing your girlfriend TOMORROW" and he kissed her anyway. i'm kind of paralyzed. so this is the person that college has turned my matthew into... in a week...
now, at the most INOPORTUNE TIME, matt calls her. =) she scoffs and answers/immediately hangs up the fone. he calls again. i reach for it.
"hey baby!" all sickly sweet and fakely chipper.
"HEY CHELSEA IS EMILY THERE?"
at this point i just think that he ENJOYS being on my shitlist. its so crazy that i can't even get mad... i just laugh at how absurd it is.
i tell him that i didn't think Chelsea would be answering the fone like that anytime soon, and said i'd be back up in a minute.
when i do return, it's with terms.
"you don't have the balls to tell me, which is rather unfortunate, so i'll initiate this conversation for you. if i've gotten too boring, if you really feel like you're missing out on THAT MUCH, then go... leave me. i encourage you! If you're still on the fence about whether or not i'm worth it over complete strangers, then i don't know if you make the cut anymore... i don't have the time to be with someone who isn't even sure that i'm the one they want to be with. when i commit to one person, i'm all in. nothing can break that... unless they do. Obviously you respect me wayyy less than i EVER thought you did, but that's not the issue here. I think you're very confused. i think you've been gone A WEEK. last week there was nothing and no one who could convince you to leave me. this week, you're falling over yourself to discover the "other fish in the sea". you don't think i have to deal with similar temptations? that everyone in a long-term relationship eventually feels the same way, at some point? If you truly don't, then you're kidding yourself... its just that all of these inumerable others, and myself, have taken the moment to sit back and really e v a l u a t e what would make them happy... and you know what? at the end of each day, you are my conclusion. you, my dear. i know that this is your first time being in a place where you are socially accepted... where other people, your peers, like you for you! your first time having other girls really check you out or flirt with you, at least to the point where you notice... i know that because this is your first experience with it all, its ever the more new and exciting... and tempting. well, again, get a clue. i deal with that every day. i have dealt with it every day of our relationship. So many guys literally THROW themselves at me, hoping to get a chance, but you know what? it's always been you. I sit back and ask myself every night "is he still the one i want to be with?" the answer has always been yes. because i love you for you. but if you cant handle that, if for sOmE ReAsOn you "can't take it", then at least have the balls to tell me. i certainly deserve that much. stop being so afraid. its not my pain you're afraid of."
i gave him 2 weeks, without cheating on me, to truly evaluate where he stands in terms of us. i knew it was too much to expect a decision then.
at some point that day, we got breakfast. i was still sick to my stomach.. honestly, i haven't eaten since i found out. ((its monday night)) we also went for a long walk, where i continued to tell him about all of the turmoil inside of me... trying to give him insight into where i was, trying to entice him to give me the same.
no such luck. still practically catatonic.
i told him to try writing me a letter, said it might be easier to get his thoughts out... i'll hold my breath. =/
i'm just so SICK of this matt mask guy at this point. matt has NEVER been closed off from me. sure, maybe from other people, but he has ALWAYS let me in.. now, not so. what, did i lose the key? has the password changed? i feel like i did last night, when the dorms wouldn't let me in.. everything i wanted was inside! everything i needed... Chelsea could get in, so why couldn't i? didn't i deserve it a little bit more? =/
i'm mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted. i've been practically 2 days without sleep, with minimal food, and probably the worst ordeal i've ever had to handle. I AM DEAD WALKING.
he "asks" me to leave (("i want you gone before lunch." period.)). i'm so tired of the sound of my own voice... i just nod. we get back to the room. i kiss him. like, kiss him. i throw all of my pain, my anger, my invalid and undeserved self-deprecating feelings, my insecurities, my passion, my love.... into that kiss. He responds and my heart skips a beat. "there's hope?"
his fone rings. the mood is broken.
he helps me out to the car in earnest. i don't know what else there is to say... he whispers to me, asking me to please forgive him. i hold him and smell that little smell in the crook of his neck, the blend of safety, goofiness, and understanding... and i let go. i look at the full and sensual mouth, the eyes that have lost their luster... and i get into my car. i watch him walk off, with his bouncing unintentionally-skater hair, the plaid shorts, and the Matt mandals... and i drive away.
that took the most strength of all.
he goes to college. i spent the entire summer trying to give him an out, saying that i would understand if he wanted to break up with me before he went to school, so it wouldn't be harder for him.. but no. he EMPHATICALLY responded, every time, that we were Bigger Than This... bigger than the distance, than the separation. that our love was too deep to be affected by petty things like living in different states. like having mostly separate lives, for the first time... and i believed him. why not? after all, he's my matthew. what he says is the truth, because it's him saying it.
so we stayed together, determined to 'Bravely Blaze A Trail For High School Sweethearts Everywhere'... not exactly how it worked out. =/
we dropped him off on a saturday. i kept stressing over what i was going to wear ((why??)) because for some reason, it was REALLY IMPORTANT... ((i think i wanted to impress his roommates/new friends, give him something to be proud of. make him feel even more special on this huge day.))
in any case, when i worked all of this out, we drove down, dumped out his stuff, ate, and.... left.
just left? yes. i didn't even get to kiss him goodbye, because of the impatient urgings of his parents, and truly, his excitement to be on his own in this amazing new place, his new home. so i dealt with that... i knew it was his time to shine.
i had the HARDEST TIME being at home! all i wanted to do was call him to see if i could come over, and play metroid in the new gaming chair i got for him =P it didn't seem real that suddenly he was out of reach... and i was terrified of over-calling, -iming, -relatively contacting him at all! too much.. so i didn't at all. ((or tried not to... O=] ))
we talked on monday. he told me about the amazing time he was having, and i told him how much i was missing him, and how FUCKING EXCITED i was about him being in this new place, with all of these new people that accept him for who he is. i was pumpeD!
"yes, someone finally sees this amazing boy for the true person he is, like I do! He so deserves this..."
He told me about Chelsea. This really cool, nice girl who he had befriended the previous day, and spent all night with because she was So Awesome. OF COURSE a tiny voice in my head goes " =/" a little because you know... i want to be spending the night with him. =) taking those moonlit strolls... but its ok. He has a friend that he's really connected with, within 3 days of being there. Again, i'm happy for him. He then tells me that he doesn't want me to come down and see him, like we had previously planned. I reminded him that if i didn't it would be at least till the end of the week, but he was cool with that. so i was too. i remembered that he should be allowed to settle in, on his own... you know, DIVE IN. that whole concept... he didn't need his girlfriend-from-home coming and idk.. making it harder for him. y'know? i did. i was so confident that i Understood. so i gave him his space. =)
we talked sparsely throughout the rest of the week, but i kind of enjoyed it.. it made each fone call, each time HE imed ME, that much more exciting. "he was thinking of me!" etc. etc. Also, i wanted this first weekend, the first time since i saw him when we dropped him off, to be that much better... truly, i was more excited about seeing him, about hearing about his first week ((exciting!)) of his college experience, than i have been about.. really, anything. I rarely let myself get excited, but matt is the #1 exception to all of my massive reserve. The only slight area of discomfort was that whenever we did talk, he was always with Chelsea. his new best friend! Most of me - excited, because obviously he must really gel with this girl if he's spending so much time with her. this is so good, he has someone to be there for him, to be there for, when i can't be... this is good. (( little voice "is it now? ok, i guess.... =/" ))
we talked again that thursday.. he told me how much he loved me, how much he missed me, and how all of the emotions rushing through me were mirrored by his. I remember thinking about how musical his voice was, about how i could just fall into those deep tones and stay laying, eclipsed, forever.
friday came. i was walking on sunshine. i was Happy. this college stuff isn't so hard! sure, we won't see each other every weekend, but who the hell cares! it'll make each time we see each other that much more meaningful. And better yet, i had reached the end of my first-week-marathon. 6 days had past and we had only talked on the fone maybe 2 or 3 times, for short bursts. i was doing good! I didn't call him all day because i wanted to make it that much better when i did see him.
**this is time for an aside: i'm in the marching band at my school. plan to be for the rest of h.s. he was too, so he's very used to the whole thing, and how fun it can be if you are COOL ENOUGH TO WEAR THE FUZZY HAT. - which i am. =P **
finally, the game! it was here! the time at which we, the star-crossed lovers, had planned to meet, and whisper sweet nothings into the other's tender ear! or at least, it could have been that intense, if you were merely judging on my degree of excitement, of agitation. i spent 2 and a half hours before report time showering, straightening and styling my crazy mane of curls, and carefully applying and evaluating my makeup until i had reached satisfaction that i was Hot Stuff, even though i knew that the minute i got into my uniform it would all melt off and my hair would sproing back into its customary frizzy unruliness... but i didn't care. i was allowing myself to be silly and blissfully lovesick. i wanted to reward matt for his solidarity, for his commitment, and this big achievement! of staying together, and bravely setting off into the unpredictable unknown, the scary lair of the college monster. and who knows, maybe i wanted to remind him of what he had waiting for him at home... O=]
in any case, my trappings had long since expired by the time he got there, about 50 seconds before we had to leave the stands and do the halftime show.. but so what! i saw the bouncing hair, the plaid shorts, and the adorably Matt mandals, and i shoved my saxophone into someone's unsuspecting arms, literally leaped a row of chairs, and bounded into my baby's arms. whoosh! i was floating in midair... no wait, he was still holding me. =) o god, this feels so good... i can smell his own little smell, this amazing blend of safety, goofiness, and sweet deep understanding in the crook of his neck; feel his soft hair against my hands as i greedily hold him to me.. and it is good. i doubt i could pass a sobriety test right now, i'm so drunk on Him. he gives me a winning smile and tells me to "go get 'em!" i smile too, because i'm thinking about what i'll be doing to him later, everything i want to do right at that second.. but there'll be time. I go do the show, and every face of the audience is his, smiling down at me, proud and happy.. and i feel proud, to be the subject of this favor.
i get back to the stands, run up and kiss him. he's with corey and robin, 2 of our friends in the same situation: corey at college, robin in high school. i leave him with them to go say "hi" to friends from the opposing school's band, kids that i had met @ SYMS. see how good i'm doing! now that i have him, i'm not even hanging all over him! i am the giving-space queen! i get back and hold him again, just watch him as he talks to everyone else he hasn't seen in a while.. his mouth looks so full and sensual when he talks, his laugh is so funny it makes me laugh. there's a light and a joy in his eyes that possesses me. "his perfectly formed wavy hair, the envy of every skater that wears a trucker hat after showering, flutters in the soft breeze." etc. etc., sappy silliness. god i really do love this boy! i say to myself. my inner cynic is stifling laughter, but you know what? for once, i don't care. i allow myself to be this silly. and it's ok. because he is too. =)
that is, until he sits me down. "baby, i have some bad news... i don't really think you should stay over tomorrow night. i have too much going on. sorry." i can't help it.. i cry, a little. its just so frustrating! not only did i make it through this preliminary trial, but i went into overtime! i want my prize... and its sad. he says he has too much homework, and the logical side of me sees that he makes a valid point.. but still, its sad. he seems shocked, genuinely surprised, at this reaction. "babe, it's ONLY BEEN A WEEK." he scoffs. i'm hurt! but what a week it has been! this year-week. but i see that my test really isn't over. the only thing i can't deal with is... he doesn't seem to be too bothered. better yet, not bothered at all. he starts being really.. odd. i don't know any other word for it. he's his goofy, happy self, but.. there's something off. like a studied actor wearing a matt mask. i'm not sure how, but i can tell the difference. i begin to cry harder, hiding my tears. what is going on? who is this guy? give me my matt. show me the boy who cares about my tears. this one laughs and walks away.
then end of the game comes and my Bubble Has Been Burst. wtf, mate? everyone around me worries over my tears. they saw the way he acted, and reaffirm my idea that he is being inconsiderate, and really... weird. several offer to give him a "talking-to". =P
i'm still upset when i arrive back at the school to change, and he's there. my method of "being hurt" is to try ((and fail)) to hide it, acting as cool as i can, which is so the opposite of my normal warm candor that anyone who knows me can tell at the drop of a hat. but i do it anyway.
"babe, did you want to go out tonight?"
"well, yeah.. i had plans with people here. i just figured you'd want to come along and see some friends."
"well, have fun then.. i just want to go home."
O.O not see him tomorrow? not see him tonight?! what is the world coming to. i go change, and then we talk downstairs.
"what is going on? what has gotten into you?"
"why are you taking this all so seriously? hon, it's only been a week!"
"well it would feel a lot shorter if i was actually seeing my boyfriend right now. can you go get him for me?" ::storm away::
"god you're so impossible! why do you always need the last word?"
etc. etc.
my heart is breaking. why are we fighting?? all i want to do is tackle him there on the floor and kiss him all over. at what point did we mess up tonight? i can't remember. =/
i go out to eat with 2 friends who are Bothered by his behavior, and he shows up ((good thing?)), acting like nothing happened, like his silly flirty self... normally i'd be elated, but its still "off". its not really his behavior, just a really really good play at it. when we leave, i follow him back to his house.
we arrive and just... collapse on the couch. i really want to forget about the beginning of the night and curl up with him, but it really bothers me that i won't get to see him... not even as much that, as that he doesn't understand why it would bother me. matt would get that in a second! why can't you?
it doesn't matter right now. take advantage of the time you have. we go upstairs, turn the lights off, and Don't Sleep for a long time O=] and i'm happy... so happy. still hurt, still worried in the back of my mind, but who fucking cares! i have my baby with me here, now. =) we talk for a long time afterwards, i try to make him understand but i see that he doesn't... still, i make the effort to show him what i'm thinking. he's taught me to just tell him whatever's bothering me, instead of bottling it up... i think i'm doing what he wants ((it's what he's always asked for)). i tell him how hard the week was, and implore him to tell me about his... he gives sparse details, briefly describing his roommates, his classes. i make some silly joke about being too distracted by Chelsea to remember the week, hoping to get him to smile. =) he smiles, but it never reaches his eyes... "don't worry babe. you're WAY cuter than her." whatever. he doesn't get it... but it's too late for this conversation. let the boy sleep. we curl up together... cuddle closely and listen to each other's sleepy-noises. his breath tickles my ear.... his arms are warm and inviting. how wonderful, i think, that i can fall asleep nuzzled into his chest...
we wake up early. i kiss him softly and he smiles up at me. he looks the sweetest when he's sleeping, or when he's just woken up.. so soft, so vulnerable, like everything in the world is as at-peace as he is. he grabs me and pretends to kiss me, ending up blowing a raspberry on my neck. i giggle and we get up, get prepared to leave for UML again. i secretly bring a bag of extra clothes, my school things.... maybe he'll change his mind, i think. O=]
we headbang the whole ride down, and its him... its matt again. it feels so good.. the heady sunlight compliments him. i smile.
we arrive, drive up, and begin looking for parking. we briefly spat about where to go, which would normally be some silly thing forgotten 2 minutes after the fact, but... my smile fades slowly. his face is sour. what is going on? why are these little things bothering him? what am i doing wrong?
i commit myself, for the rest of the day, to change whatever it is that i'm doing that is so irritating, and make an effort to be extra-nice. the first thing we do is find Chelsea, and he introduces us. this girl is pretty cool, i'm thinking, as she slowly picks out the once-learned ((and sick!)) bass line to hysteria, by muse. I'm my normal silly self, and she seems to like me too. still, she seems a little awkward... well maybe she's shy. it'll wear off. after all, she likes matt! she's bound to like me... and vice versa. =)
matt and i go upstairs and... yes. play video games. how lame are we! After a while, i slowly broach the subject with him... "so babe, i was thinking... i have homework too. if you start doing your homework now, and i do as well... maybe we could get enough done so that i could stay over tonight! what do you think?" he doesn't act as excited as i thought, but he accepts the idea, at least. so we work. he keeps calling Chelsea up to the room to hang out with us (( little voice: why is he paying her so much more attention? why does everything i do bother him and everything she's doing make him smile? )). and she keeps slinking out.. maybe she's sick of watching him play video games, i think. i know i've been there! we start to work, but its like every little thing i do bothers him... he keeps lashing out at me. i'm sad and confused, but still so excited to just be there. as of last night, i hadn't thought i would be, and i feel lucky. besides, i thought, we have today and early tomorrow to be together, and have fun.. we'll work out whatever 's bothering him by then.
eventually we decide that we're hungry. matt inevitably calls Chelsea to see if she wants to have dinner with us ((at this point i'm used to him calling her every 5 seconds)), and we three set off, eventually finding some grungy pizza joint that fits our 3-way LOW BUDGET. She doesn't like just any pizza. she'll only have hawaiian or "plain". in my world, there is no plain pizza. but thats ok... some people have their tastes, and i know matt likes hawaiian. i'll deal. ((little voice: but why does she get to pick? ))
so we eat, we chat, we walk, we talk. this girl seems wicked chill. i see why he's choosing her as a "super-awesome friend", if you will... but still, she seems like she's hiding some hidden discomfort. and this boy's matt mask keeps slipping every so often.
so on the surface, its a good day. but in reality... by the end, i already know. or at least, little voice does.
we get back to the dorms and are met by a harsh reality we had forgotten: those under the age of 17 require 48-hour written notice from a parent in order to enter the dorms, let alone stay overnight. I WANT TO KICK SOMEONE! this blows. but whatever... we can't do anything about it. we collect my stuff and head towards my car. he seems like he's all too happy to see me go, like it's this big relief... and you know what? as enamored as i am over this boy, i have my limits. we pack up the car and then i whirl around. i don't have to go yet, i say. i just can't get into the dorm. let's take a walk... he nervously complies. he can't look at me. he stares everywhere but in my direction.
i force him to look at me square in the eyes.
" i love you more than anything, but i don't have the time nor the energy to mess around. moreso than that, i just want you to be happy. i depend on you for many things, and i'm terrified of continuing to do so while you're here, but you know what? i can't hold back, with you. you are the first thought when i wake, and the last before i finally fall alseep at night. you, matt, my best friend, my confidant, my lover. but despite all of this, despite whatever pain it causes, i love you. i love you enough to let you go. i love you enough to set you free, if i know its what you want... i just need you to be happy. if i can't make you be, then you shouldn't be kidding yourself, or me. i deserve more than that.
don't be so concerned about hurting me, if what you really want is for us to break. if this is too hard for you, and you've gone so far as to admit it to yourself, then the only thing holding you back is your fear of hurting me. you don't think you can deal with that guilt... well newsflash. i'm a big girl. i know pain, i can deal with pain. the only thing i can't deal with is dishonesty. so stop lying to me! don't waste my time. i'm stronger than you. i can take it the truth."
^^part direct quote, part general idea.
he looks at me with terrified eyes. "i'm so sorry." he can't hold my gaze. i really am stronger...
"i kissed her." it sends a shockwave through my entire body... but i don't let him see it. i don't let him see me break.
"i know." i say, forcing him to look in my eyes. and i did know...
"how many times?"
"...three..."
"different days?"
"yes..."
"was the first on that lovely moonlit stroll/night you spent together the night before i was supposed to visit you, after which you told me not to, the day of?"
"......which moonlit stroll?" that hurts more than knowing that he cheated.
we talk, and i'm stuck in an eery calm. i know i have control of this situation.. and he doesn't deserve to see my pain. i "send him to fetch Chelsea". all i say is that we need to talk...
i'm sure he expects me to scream at her, and she expects me to attack her the moment she steps outside. i step up to her and i can visibly see them pulsing from the tension.
"i hear you have a boyfriend too. i'm sure the guilt you're feeling is enough... but what i can't imagine, is how you made it through today. i've gotten to know you enough, i can tell you have a conscience. this must have been EATING YOU UP inside to see me, to know me, to make real ((and come to like!)) the girl you know whose heart you've helped break. i can't fathom why matt would put you through something like that, forcing you to hang out with us, have dinner with us, flirt with you in front of me... that must have been so ridiculously painful and awkward! you've gone through hell today. are you ok?"
matt kind of goes catatonic, and she starts crying. "why couldn't you be a bitch? god it would be so much easier to live with myself...."
i talk to them like ... like an admonishing authority figure. sure, i have control over the situation, but i'm on total autopilot... there's nothing inside. i'm a vacuum.
i'm really proud of myself for handling it as i did. i took it with much more grace than most... but does that matter? my world is upside down. i kept trying to ignore my instincts, even at the point where the signs were staring me in the face. all that could make it real was his voice... his musical voice, with the deep enveloping tones. i stared at him, and his beauty was so perverse that i was sick to my stomach. the only time he apologized was right when he was finally admitting to it, and as i see it, that only covers being sorry for me having to drag it out of him, instead of him being responsible enough, ADULT enough, to own up to his own mistakes, and accept the consequences.
i KNOW i'm too emotional to drive.
we march back up to the dorm and convince them that my car is broken down, my family is in maine, and there's no one who can come help me. i tell them that my only alternative is to sleep in the car, on the streets of lowell. that shocks them into action, and after HOURS of negotiation, they begrudgingly bend the rules. ((score for me and matt: his game plan, but i knew how to play them.))
i'm still clinging to my autopilot! i'll break as soon as i'm alone. we make it to his room ((we have it to ourselves)) and he leaves to brush his teeth. here it comes....
i screw my eyes shut, but i can't block out the image... all i can see is the two of them locked in some terrible embrace, and then him and i, last night, Not Sleeping... suddenly, its like i've forgotten how to breathe. the left side of my chest feels like its stuck in a trash compactor, and the room gets hazy. i'm only partially conscious that i've sunken to the floor as i throw all of myself into concentrating on air.. sweet, precious, invaluable air! gaseous gold! its not coming... i'm shaking. this has never happened before, but i know what's going on. i try to fight the vicious panic bubbling through my chest, causing my heart to pound so hard that it feels like its bruising my ribcage, but all i can see is that stupid, terrible embrace... and his sick smile.
suddenly, i feel them! those strong, warm, inviting arms that have held me through so many pains, so many wounds.. they are my anchor, and slowly i begin to breathe. i look up, excited to see him, but! ... no. it's matt mask guy. only with a look of horror on his face...
i think that may have finally reached him. then again, there's no way of knowing... he won't talk to me. he insists that he needs Time To Think, and that i shouldn't blame him for not knowing what to say, or how to respond. i fervently disagree, but i'm nice enough ((WHY?)) to simply let him lay there as i sob to myself, trying to convince whatever's in me that it is "emily's fault". god, what did i deprive him of that was so important that he went searching for it in the arms of a stranger? what horrible thing did i do to push him into her waiting arms? ...finally, i realize.
i did nothing wrong. this isn't my fault. i lie awake, staring at the ceiling. he snores, rolls into me.. at least one of us can sleep. its probably the longest night of my life...
i wake up the next morning, and its matt beside me, looking into my eyes, all sweet and vulnerable like he always his when he wakes... and he's looking at my and his eyes are begging me to help him escape the pain, the shame and this guilt thats suffocating him. he plays one of our songs... we hold each other and cry. i play another, and he cries harder. i sing to him through my tears in a halting, gasping voice, thick with fatigue and pain and he stares at me as if in disbelief that all of this is real ((i know the feeling)). he gets a fone call... the moment is broken. i set off to get dressed and pretty ((if there ever was a day when i had an intense need to look cute, it would be then)), and then, while he's still in bed, i take the stupid hawaiian pizza from the night before, and go to Chelsea's room.
she genuinely looks scared when i open the door, like maybe i'll finally start showing some awful wrath that i hid the night before ((i can tell that it's the last thing she'd need)). but no... i kind of give her a weak smile, and heft the pizza. "breakfast?"
we talk for a good hour. i'm sure she's still wondering why the hell i opened up to her, but i felt sympathy for where she was.. through it all, she's a good person. i mean, i know matt's a good person... they both just made a Big Mistake. The reason why i'm more comfortable talking to her than matt ((a sad thing)) is that cheating was the only mistake she made, and cheating to me was one of the far lesser evils of all of the things matt ((matt mask guy?)) had done as of late.
she told me that she didn't have feelings for him.. that she was furious at him for putting her in the position he did, that she was more sorry than she could tell me about how things went down.. i believed it at the time. i'm in a hard place now because matt has been the most honest person in my life, and i barely know her... he contradicts much of what she said to me, even after i EMPHATICALLY said that if there were to be lies told, i might as well leave, all i had time for was the truth. whatever... i guess what really got to me is what she told me towards the end. she truly thought he would be happier without me in his life. that we had had an amazing run, that he would never forget the good times, but that he needed to "move on with his life" and experience the dating pool, something he'd never done. She said that he had told her all of this, and that he was nearly positive in his convictions, and that all that was holding him back was, again, his fear of causing me pain. that he felt "tied down" or "trapped" in our relationship.. that it was "too much" for him.. and that she sympathized with him! that it was the same way she was feeling about her relationship.
i know she thought she was doing him a favor, but the worst thing possible was for me to hear this from someone else. i stared her down and told her that i didn't trust matt to resist trying to kiss her again, that because of that horrible fact, i needed to trust her, a complete stranger, someone who normally i'd be the LEAST INCLINED TO TRUST IN THE WORLD ((she did help my boyfriend cheat on me. three different times.)) to... to stop it. to stop him. every word burned... she said yes.
but what good is this? i think. for all i know, he's planning his "breakup speech" as we speak.. she goes on to tell me that the last kiss had been on THURSDAY NIGHT. try to remember the significance of this: the night he called me, told me how he missed me and loved me, how he couldn't WAIT to see me... thursday night. that it happened there, in her room. that she said "omg hon, you're seeing your girlfriend TOMORROW" and he kissed her anyway. i'm kind of paralyzed. so this is the person that college has turned my matthew into... in a week...
now, at the most INOPORTUNE TIME, matt calls her. =) she scoffs and answers/immediately hangs up the fone. he calls again. i reach for it.
"hey baby!" all sickly sweet and fakely chipper.
"HEY CHELSEA IS EMILY THERE?"
at this point i just think that he ENJOYS being on my shitlist. its so crazy that i can't even get mad... i just laugh at how absurd it is.
i tell him that i didn't think Chelsea would be answering the fone like that anytime soon, and said i'd be back up in a minute.
when i do return, it's with terms.
"you don't have the balls to tell me, which is rather unfortunate, so i'll initiate this conversation for you. if i've gotten too boring, if you really feel like you're missing out on THAT MUCH, then go... leave me. i encourage you! If you're still on the fence about whether or not i'm worth it over complete strangers, then i don't know if you make the cut anymore... i don't have the time to be with someone who isn't even sure that i'm the one they want to be with. when i commit to one person, i'm all in. nothing can break that... unless they do. Obviously you respect me wayyy less than i EVER thought you did, but that's not the issue here. I think you're very confused. i think you've been gone A WEEK. last week there was nothing and no one who could convince you to leave me. this week, you're falling over yourself to discover the "other fish in the sea". you don't think i have to deal with similar temptations? that everyone in a long-term relationship eventually feels the same way, at some point? If you truly don't, then you're kidding yourself... its just that all of these inumerable others, and myself, have taken the moment to sit back and really e v a l u a t e what would make them happy... and you know what? at the end of each day, you are my conclusion. you, my dear. i know that this is your first time being in a place where you are socially accepted... where other people, your peers, like you for you! your first time having other girls really check you out or flirt with you, at least to the point where you notice... i know that because this is your first experience with it all, its ever the more new and exciting... and tempting. well, again, get a clue. i deal with that every day. i have dealt with it every day of our relationship. So many guys literally THROW themselves at me, hoping to get a chance, but you know what? it's always been you. I sit back and ask myself every night "is he still the one i want to be with?" the answer has always been yes. because i love you for you. but if you cant handle that, if for sOmE ReAsOn you "can't take it", then at least have the balls to tell me. i certainly deserve that much. stop being so afraid. its not my pain you're afraid of."
i gave him 2 weeks, without cheating on me, to truly evaluate where he stands in terms of us. i knew it was too much to expect a decision then.
at some point that day, we got breakfast. i was still sick to my stomach.. honestly, i haven't eaten since i found out. ((its monday night)) we also went for a long walk, where i continued to tell him about all of the turmoil inside of me... trying to give him insight into where i was, trying to entice him to give me the same.
no such luck. still practically catatonic.
i told him to try writing me a letter, said it might be easier to get his thoughts out... i'll hold my breath. =/
i'm just so SICK of this matt mask guy at this point. matt has NEVER been closed off from me. sure, maybe from other people, but he has ALWAYS let me in.. now, not so. what, did i lose the key? has the password changed? i feel like i did last night, when the dorms wouldn't let me in.. everything i wanted was inside! everything i needed... Chelsea could get in, so why couldn't i? didn't i deserve it a little bit more? =/
i'm mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted. i've been practically 2 days without sleep, with minimal food, and probably the worst ordeal i've ever had to handle. I AM DEAD WALKING.
he "asks" me to leave (("i want you gone before lunch." period.)). i'm so tired of the sound of my own voice... i just nod. we get back to the room. i kiss him. like, kiss him. i throw all of my pain, my anger, my invalid and undeserved self-deprecating feelings, my insecurities, my passion, my love.... into that kiss. He responds and my heart skips a beat. "there's hope?"
his fone rings. the mood is broken.
he helps me out to the car in earnest. i don't know what else there is to say... he whispers to me, asking me to please forgive him. i hold him and smell that little smell in the crook of his neck, the blend of safety, goofiness, and understanding... and i let go. i look at the full and sensual mouth, the eyes that have lost their luster... and i get into my car. i watch him walk off, with his bouncing unintentionally-skater hair, the plaid shorts, and the Matt mandals... and i drive away.
that took the most strength of all.