A night of weeping
Tonight was heavey...deep. it reached places i had become numb and freed places i had become prisoner. i've been comin under heavey attack this past week and it has been really hard to deal...tonight though when kristy prayed over me...she prayed the God would empower me and the second she did i felt a rush of relief a sigh of relief in my spirit. satan had begun to try to forge a chain around me so i couldn't move and God broke that right then and there...am i completely ok? no. i'm still really struggling with being accepted...there's this dude i like and for some reason i cannot bring myself to talk to him for more than a few minutes...it's like i feel worthless and ashamed that i would even for once think i had a chance with this dude. this isn't me! i don't know what's wrong but i don't like it! i'm usually so confident and sure of myself why is it that suddenly i'm not? or is it b/c slowly ppl have clipped my wings to where this dove can't fly? and i was too numb to realize it till now? i don't have the answers but i know God does...please keep me in your prayers i'm really struggling! every chance he gets satan is rubbing in the fact that i really don't have any friends...and yes i know i have ppl i'm friendly with but no real friends. my best friend moved to SC this summer and i'm grieving her...it's almost like she's dead! i don't get to see her or talk to her! and i feel lost w/out her! when ever i got lost she would show me back to where i got lost and help me find my way again now that she's not here i'm stumbling through the forest and i'm lost and afraid! i honestly feel that no one likes me! and i know in my heart it isn't true but my heart i cna control it's my mind that tells me lies. what i wouldn't give for just one firend right now...a real friend that is there for me as much as i am there for them...what i wouldn't give for just one person that cared and even if i pushed them away lept coming back showing me love! how am i to show copassion for others and weep for the lost when i can not weep at all!?!? i've lost my ability to cry!!! that's how numb i am! ppl have scarred me w/ the evil things they've said...from 4-6th grade i was told at least 10 times a day at a Christian school by my classmates that everyone hates me and no one likes me and that i'm worthless...how do you recover form that? what makes it even harder to recover is when i see some truth in it like when everyone is inveited some where except me or everyone knows these certain ppl and i might even know them but they never want to talk to me...as an Amy Grant song says..."i'm raining on the inside, my heart wells up with tears that start to pour..." that's me right now and i need some one to jsut hold me while i learn to cry again and i finally weep all the tears i've held inside...but there's no one there to hold me...and as much as i know God is there holding me all the while i can't feel His arms! i need a Jesus with skin on! And i can feel all within me start to break down as the devil continues to try to tempt and decieve me...who am i that i should pose such a treat? if the attacks are this bad now what will they be like as Philly nears even closer? well this entry is about as honest as i've ever been publically...and i'm not sure how i'll bring myself to click post but i feel my Father urging me so i will and as you have read this please be mindful that this is really what i'm struggling with right now please don't find this as a way to make jokes or laugh my problems off these are real hurts i feel