Collaboration Fic: Out of the Howling (12/12) - COMPLETE
Title: Out of the Howling (part 12/12)
Authors: goldy_dollar & _thirty2flavors
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Ten II/Rose
Genre: Angst, drama
Summary: Six years after Bad Wolf Bay, Rose gets a message from another universe.
Excerpt: "Are you…" okay, she intended to finish and then something caught her eye. A suitcase, by the edge of the bed. It was open, and stuffed haphazardly with his clothes and toiletries. Her stomach sunk. “What the hell is this?”
Previous parts: Part 1; Part 2; Part 3; Part 4; Part 5; Part 6; Part 7; Part 8; Part 9; Part 10; Part 11
Sunlight streamed into the kitchen and Rose winced, a headache building behind her eyes. It was nothing like the headaches she'd had the last few days, though. Nothing she couldn't handle. From down the hall, she heard the bathroom door close and then a few moments later, the sounds of the shower running.
Instead of making lunch, Rose found herself doing the dishes, which had piled up over the last few days. Then she cleaned off the counters, scrubbing at a particularly stubborn spot on the kitchen table. She finished the table and then stopped, washcloth clutched tightly in her hands. She didn’t know what to do next. A hollow and empty feeling pressed against her chest. Now that the adrenaline was fading from her system, she felt a deep weariness settling into her body.
She heard the shower turn off, followed by the buzzing of the Doctor’s electric razor. Suddenly she didn't want to be there when the Doctor finished up. She was tired of summoning up the energy to stay angry with him, and the prospect of another emotionally heart wrenching discussion - in their kitchen no less - was the last thing she wanted.
Decision made, she scribbled a quick note - Off to mum's, be home soon! - then grabbed her keys and her bag.
Rose didn't know if was the lack of sleep or food, or simply the strain of the last few days catching up to her body, but she was jittery the whole way to the Tyler mansion. She'd called her mum on the way over who promised to have lunch ready for her. She could hear the suspicion in her mum's voice, though, and knew Jackie would be pestering with her for questions as soon as Rose pulled up.
When she walked in, her mum was already waiting for her. Much to Rose's relief, Jackie only wrapped her up in a tight hug. Rose felt some of the tension melt out of her body. It felt so good; so right to have someone comfort her.
"Mum-" she began, a waiver in her voice. Truthfully she didn't know what to say. She didn't even know where to begin. I almost died, she thought about saying. And the Doctor broke my heart, again. To rescue me. Then I killed someone. And we're not okay. Nothing's okay.
"I know, sweetheart. I know. We'll sort it out," Jackie said soothingly. "I've sent your father and Tony down to the park. It's just us."
Jackie pulled away, and her eyes narrowed slightly.
"Look at you," she fussed. "Tea. That's what you need. And some food, yeah? I've got those meatballs in, your favourite."
Rose swallowed down her tears. "Thanks mum," she whispered.
She followed her mum to the kitchen who immediately bustled around, setting the kettle and pulling food out of the fridge. Rose sat down at the table and watched, too drained to offer any help. Soon Jackie had a warm plate of food in front of her, followed shortly by a steaming mug of tea. Rose's stomach rumbled when she looked down at the meatballs. They smelled divine and she was starved.
She dug in without preamble. Jackie sat down across from her with her own mug of tea and watched silently as Rose devoured her plate. Rose felt some of her energy returning as she finished, and she leaning back in her chair, looking up to find Jackie watching knowingly.
"There, you see. Some food and tea, just like I said." Then she sobered, and said, "So come on then, out with it. What's he done now?"
Rose almost thought about avoiding the question. It felt so nice, sitting with her mum, her stomach full, teapot sitting on the table between them. For the first time in days, Rose almost forgot to feel sad.
"It's a long story," Rose said.
"Better start from the beginning," said Jackie. "I'll put the kettle back on."
Rose nodded and launched in. She started with the weird dreams she had, about the Doctor contacting her from the other universe. Jackie's forehead crinkled into a frown, but she didn't interrupt. Then Rose told her about the Master, and his history with the Doctor. She explained that the Master did something to her, put a bit of himself in her mind. With a hitch in her voice, she told her mum that it was killing her. At that, Jackie stood up and began to busy herself with the washing up. She was still listening, though, so Rose continued. She told her how the Doctor entered into the deal with the Master to return to their old universe, how he'd made Rose believe that it was what he wanted even though it would mean never seeing her again. Finally, she explained the Doctor's plan to trick the Master, and strand him on an inhabitable planet.
"...if I hadn't found out and gone after him," Rose finished, "he would have died. And I'd have spent my whole life thinking he didn't want to be with me."
The thought of it made her feel sick and she felt a stab of anger all over again. What right had the Doctor had to make that decision on his own? He'd gone and assumed and done what he thought was best for her - again without ever once stopping to ask her or consult with her.
Jackie was suspiciously silent and Rose looked over to find her standing in front of the sink. The washing up was long gone, but she was standing so eerily still and quiet that Rose felt a tendril of fear.
"Mum?" she asked.
"Did you ever think of me?"
"I'm sorry?"
"When you were dying," Jackie said slowly. Her voice was eerily calm. "Seems like the sort of thing it would be worth telling your old mum about." She paused and then turned around, her eyes sad. "Did you even think about it, Rose? How I'd feel if you..."
Rose felt like something was squeezing her insides. "Of course I did, Mum. I thought about it, I did, but I didn't know how to tell you." She looked down at the table. "Then when it seemed like the Master would fix me... I thought I was going to be okay. I didn't want to worry you."
"Oh well I think I would have noticed if the Doctor suddenly stopped showing up here," Jackie said with a huff.
Rose was relieved to hear it. Hearing Jackie speak in such a low and calm voice was one of the eeriest things she'd ever seen.
"I'm sorry, Mum," Rose said. "Really I am... I thought we could sort it, that you wouldn't ever have to know."
"It's my job to know," Jackie said. "I'm your mum, sweetheart." She shook her head. "The pair of you, it's like you get so wrapped up in each other you forget about the rest of us. It's like.... it's like you forget that you're not the only two people in the world. The rest of us aren't just here to pass in and out of your lives, Rose. You should have told me."
Rose was still staring down at the table, her stomach clenched in tight and guilty knots. She found herself nodding. "You're right. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Mum."
Jackie sighed and then seemed to deflate. She sat back down across from Rose and in a kinder voice, said, "So tell me, then. How comes you're really mad at him? 'Cos he lied to you to save your life? Or 'cos he almost offed himself to save you?"
Rose glanced up sharply, sensing a hint of fondness in her mum's questions. "Both. All of it," she said. She hesitated. "He broke my heart, Mum. You didn't hear him. I know he was lying, but he... he did it so well."
"Must have, if he made you believe him," said Jackie. Her lips curved into a small smile. "I can't imagine that man convincing anyone he doesn't love you."
Rose looked down at the table again. "Well, he did," she said, unable to keep the edge out of her voice. "And even if he hadn't... he still made the decision to trade his life for mine. That wasn't his choice to make."
Rose glanced up to find Jackie pressing her lips together tightly, like she quite badly wanted to say something but was nervous over how Rose would react. Rose rolled her eyes. "Oh my God, just say it, Mum."
"Well, I think he made the right choice."
"What?"
Jackie shrugged. "And I'm not just saying that because I'm your mum, though that's part of it, I suppose. He's had a good long life, Rose, hasn't he? But you... you're just getting started, and you've got me, and Tony, and your father... you've got a real family."
"So does he!"
"Well of course he does, Rose, that's not what I meant." She sighed. "I just understand what he was thinking, that's all. What's he got in this universe, really, except you?"
Rose bit the inside of her cheek. "That's not fair."
"Besides, wouldn't you do the same, if you were in his position?"
"Not like that," Rose snapped. "Not the way he did it." She felt tears spring into her eyes again and in a shaky voice said, "It hurt so much, Mum."
Jackie's gaze was sympathetic. "Oh, Rose."
She rubbed at her eyes. "All this time I've spent with him, a part of me always wondered if I was just a runner-up, a consolation for the life he couldn't spent in the TARDIS." She laughed. "He knew exactly how to use that against me."
"I'm so sorry, sweetheart. He shouldn't have done that. Of course he shouldn't have." Jackie took a sip of tea, thoughtful expression on his face. "All the same, though, I can't help but feel sorry for him."
"Mum-"
"Just think of it, though," said Jackie. "Think of how you'd feel if you knew he'd died to save you. He was trying to spare you all that, I reckon. He knew you'd never recover from that." She took another sip of tea, looking dangerously close to tears herself. "Just feel a bit sorry for him, is all." She took a deep breath and set the tea mug down. "Anyway - your dad'll be back soon. We're ordering takeaway tonight from the new curry shop, just around the corner. You can stay, if you'd like. The chicken korma is nice."
Rose felt like her head was spinning.
"No," she said automatically. "I should... the Doctor'll be wondering where I am."
"Go on, then," said Jackie. "Go on and make up with him. You'll feel better."
Rose took one more sip of tea before standing up. She hoped her mum was right.
---
The flat was quiet when Rose walked in. "Doctor?" she called. There was no answer.
She closed the door behind her and walked down the hall, peering into each room as she went. He wasn't in the kitchen, or the sitting room, and the office was empty. Finally she opened the door to their bedroom and found him sitting on the edge of the bed, elbows resting on his knees, his hands clasped together.
He looked up at her when she entered. He'd changed into a clean suit, and he was clean shaven, but he looked so haggard, and so defeated, that it was as if he'd never slept or changed at all.
"Are you..." okay, she intended to finish and then something caught her eye. A suitcase, by the edge of the bed. It was open, and stuffed haphazardly with his clothes and toiletries. Her stomach sank. "What the hell is this?"
The Doctor followed her gaze. "I heard you leave and I thought..." his voice quieted and he bowed his head, scrubbing his hands over face. "I wasn't sure you were coming back."
Rose stared at him. "Don't be stupid. I just went to have tea with Mum."
The Doctor's head shot up so suddenly that Rose was afraid he might give himself whiplash. "Really?"
"Yeah. I left a note on the kitchen table."
"Oh," he said. He took a few moments to process that. "I didn't see the note. I thought.... well."
He looked so pitiful that, like her mum, Rose found herself feeling sorry for him.
"Doctor..." she began, but he was gesturing towards the suitcase.
"So then I thought... well that's not fair, is it? You being the one to leave? It's your flat. I don't even pay rent. I don't even have money to pay rent. So then I thought... to make it easier on you, I should..."
"You would leave," Rose finished, dully.
The Doctor nodded and glanced away.
“Is that…” he began, but his voice caught. He closed his eyes and swallowed, then turned to look at her. “Is that what you want?”
She didn't know what it said about them, that the idea had never occurred to her, but that it popped into the Doctor's head as soon as there was real trouble between them. She took a deep breath. In fairness, she supposed that other than saving his life, she hadn't given much indication that she still wanted to be with him.
“No,” she said quietly. “No, that’s not what I want.”
The immediate relief on his face was tainted with skepticism. “Are you sure? Because I can, if-”
“Yeah,” she said bluntly. Then, when he still looked unconvinced, she added, “I didn’t go all that way to get you just to lose you again.”
It was as if a heavy load had been lifted off his back. For a split second his mouth pulled into a smile, then he composed himself again.
"Right. Good. That’s good." He cleared his throat, and with some trepidation, said, "How is Jackie?"
"You don't have to say it like that," said Rose. "Believe it or not, I think she's actually on your side in this one."
The Doctor cricked his head back around to look at her, suddenly intrigued. "Really?"
"She thinks you could have handled it better, but yeah," Rose said. Then, somewhat reluctantly, she added, "Maybe she's got a point."
The Doctor blinked at her, and then his face went from downtrodden to hopeful. "Does she?"
"Not about everything," Rose said with a scowl, but the Doctor had pushed himself to his feet and moved closer to her - tooclose. “I didn't say she was right, yeah? I'm still cross."
He stopped in front of her, which was really distracting. She didn't sound very cross anymore. He hesitated and then took both of her hands in his, thumb swiping over the back of her hand. A smile was beginning to spread across his face, and he looked like he didn't know how to contain himself anymore.
“I didn’t think I would be back,” he said. “I thought I would die, and you wouldn’t know how much I...” He looked at her and then reached up, fingers brushing against her cheek before he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. His fingers brushed the shell of her ear and she closed her eyes. “... how much I love you,” he finished.
She swallowed hard, her eyes still squeezed shut. “You really hurt me, Doctor."
She sensed him tense, but he only said, “I know, and I'm sorry for that, Rose, I am, but I won't be sorry that you're alive. Besides…” in a more needling tone of voice, he said, “you still came after me, hey?”
Rose bit her lip, not quite able to hide her smile. “Well, someone’s gotta look after you.”
She opened her eyes, and found him gazing at her with so much fondness that it made her feel warm all over. She could tell that he wanted to kiss her, but he was holding himself back, watching her questioningly. Her heart sped up. She closed the distance between them and pressed her lips to his. He responded immediately, his arms going around her back, pressing her closer. He kissed her desperately, like it had been weeks instead of days since they had last done this.
Finally they broke apart, breathing heavily. The Doctor pulled in her for a tight hug, lips brushing against the top of her head. "To be honest, everything worked out much better than I was expecting."
Rose pushed lightly against his chest. "It was still a stupid plan." After a pause, she said, "There was something Mum said."
When she didn't elaborate, the Doctor said, "What did Jackie say?"
Rose pulled away so she could look at him. "She thought that one of the reasons you said those things was 'cos you knew you were going to die and you wanted to make it easier for me. Keep me from knowing you'd died to save me."
The Doctor managed a small, pained smile. "Your mother, Rose Tyler, can be remarkably insightful." He sighed. "Although it may not be apparent from the last few days, all I want is for you to be happy. Alive and happy."
"Yeah, but..." she swallowed hard, and it was difficult to go on. "You make me happy. Thinking it was a lie, that you never... that wasn't better, Doctor. It wasn't."
The Doctor was quiet, a pensive look on his face. He took her hands in his again, watching their interlocking fingers and chewing on his bottom lip before answering.
“I wanted to make sure you could move on,” he admitted after a moment. “I thought hating me might help speed that process along for you.”
It was strange, Rose thought - and not for the first time - that such a clever man could, at times, be so very thick.
“It doesn’t work like that,” she said quietly. “You can’t just flip a switch and stop loving someone because they don’t love you.”
“I know, but…”
He sighed and looked up towards the ceiling, forehead crinkling. He led her by the hand back to the edge of their bed and took a seat, but Rose stayed standing in front of him. She could tell he was contemplating his next words, trying to come up with some combination to make her understand. When he met her eyes again it was with a mix of pride and sadness.
“You would be fine without me, though. You know that, right?”
She opened her mouth to interrupt, but he shook his head and carried on.
“I mean it. It would be hard at first, I know, but you’re strong, and you’re brilliant, and you’ve got that big heart.” The corners of his mouth turned up in a small, encouraging smile. “You’d be all right, in time.”
She studied his expression, shaking her head. She saw in his eyes that he’d truly intended for it to be an encouraging speech, but whether that was truly a testament to his faith in her or a relic of his own self-doubt, she couldn’t be sure. For as long as she’d known him there’d been a part of the Doctor that seemed to think the people he loved might be better off without him.
“I could say the same to you, you know,” she said, folding her arms across her chest. “If I had died, or if you were right, and I left while you were in the shower… I mean you’re strong, and brilliant, and you’ve got a big heart. You’d be fine, right?”
The Doctor’s smile faded and he shifted uncomfortably.
“Well, that’s… that’s different,” he said lamely.
She cocked her head and raised her eyebrows. “Really? Tell me how that’s different.”
He opened and closed his mouth wordlessly for several seconds before reaching up to tug at his ear.
“All right, well, I suppose it’s not… really that different,” he conceded.
Point made, Rose uncrossed her arms and placed her hands on his shoulders, running her thumbs along the base of his collar.
“Look,” she began, gentle but firm. “I get it. I know what it’s like to want to help someone so bad that you find yourself not listening to reason, or worrying about your own safety, or… even being honest with the people you love.” She bit her lip, looking down. “I’ve done it. That’s how we got in this position in the first place.”
“Rose…”
“Almost got myself killed, just like you did.” She locked eyes with him again. “We can’t go blazing off on our own when we should be working as a team. We’re better together. Yeah?”
He watched her with big, hopeful eyes that squeezed her heart, and nodded. “Yeah.”
“And that means no more making executive decisions about my safety without consulting me.” Her face was calm but uncompromising. “Think you can handle that?”
The Doctor was nodding the second she finished speaking. “Yes-"
“I mean it. ‘Cause if you can’t…”
“I can,” he said seriously. “Rose, I can. I promise.”
She might have pointed out that the last promise he’d made had not turned out so well for either of them, but the naked vulnerability and desperation on his face stopped her. She pictured him packing his suitcase alone, unsure if she’d be coming back, and wondered where he’d planned to go.
“Well,” she said, adopting a lighter tone, “good. Because I think I sort of like having you around.”
Confidence crept back onto his face with a smile. “Oh yeah?”
She shrugged. “Yeah, I mean, I can use all the tall shelves in the kitchen and stuff, so…”
The smile spread into a grin and he slipped two fingers through the belt loops of her jeans to tug her towards him. It was impossible not to grin back. She stepped between his legs and clasped her fingers together behind his neck, and the Doctor’s hands moved to her hips.
“So... are we okay?” he asked.
“Yeah. Almost.”
The alarm on his face almost made her laugh. “Almost?”
“Yeah, but…” She trailed her fingers slowly down his chest, undoing his jacket and sliding her hands underneath. “I can think of a few ways you could make it up to me.”
“Ah.” With a wicked grin he pulled her closer. She felt his warm fingers on her bare skin, creeping up her spine, and her heart beat faster. “Well then, Rose Tyler, I’d better get started.”
---
The Doctor moved about the bedroom as quietly as he could while he unpacked his things, careful not to disturb Rose as she dozed on their bed. For the first time since Rose had begun to have those dreams, he felt truly relaxed. He’d almost forgotten what that was like.
Much like when he’d first arrived in this universe, it all felt unreal, and while he put away his clothes he glanced back at her regularly, reassuring himself she was still there, still breathing, still safe. It was as if she’d been slipping through his fingers for over a week now, and he’d only just managed to grab hold. He wasn’t ready to loosen his grip just yet.
He was nearly finished unpacking when he looked back at her again and found her laying awake, watching out the window with a faraway look in her eyes. He held the shirt in his hands a little tighter and swallowed. Was she having second thoughts about forgiving him?
“Everything all right?” he called, hoping he’d kept the nerves out of his voice.
The answer he got was not what he’d expected.
“I killed someone yesterday,” she said, a bald statement of fact. She looked over at him, her expression inscrutable. “Does that bother you?”
The Doctor busied himself with hanging up his shirt, trying not to remember the sound of Rose’s gun as it fired. “I think a better question is whether or not that bothers you.”
“I dunno.” She rolled onto her back, staring contemplatively at the ceiling. “He was awful. Used me, tortured me, nearly killed me, took you from me…” She shrugged. “But I keep thinking about it. I’ve never done that before, just killed someone like that.” She looked at him. “Do you think that was wrong?”
The Doctor could readily imagine any number of scenarios where he gave Rose the reassurance she was asking for without thinking. He was well aware that there were certain moral standards he applied to himself and to others that Rose simply bypassed. Had it been the Cybermen, or the Daleks, or some new threat--
But the Master was different.
“I don’t know,” he said quietly.
He heard her scoff. “Yeah you do, you just don’t wanna say.” But there was no malice in her words. “I mean, he was gonna regenerate, we saw it. And he would’ve died on that planet anyway.”
Whether the justification was for his benefit or for her own, the Doctor wasn’t sure.
“I’m not sorry I did it. But I dunno,” she continued, “I guess it just sort of feels like he made me more like him.”
Frowning, the Doctor spun to face her.
“Rose, you are nothing like him,” he said firmly. “Trust me, I would know. He would have hurt you if he had the chance.”
She nodded, but he could see that she was mulling it over. Finally she said, “You wouldn’t have done it.”
Sighing, the Doctor rubbed the back of his neck. “No. But I think I’m probably the wrong person to ask about appropriate emotional responses to the Master.”
Rose looked at him so intently he found himself shifting in discomfort, suddenly feeling very exposed. This was a conversation he’d been hoping to avoid - forever, if possible. It wasn’t even a line of thought he wanted to have.
“What is it with you and him?” she asked. “Is it because he’s a Time Lord?”
“Yes,” he answered quickly, then sighed and shook his head. “No. I don’t know.” He stuffed his hands into his pockets and shrugged. “It’s because he’s that Time Lord.”
Judgment and pity mingled together on her face as she tried to understand. He could easily imagine the kinds of questions that were running through her mind; they were questions he asked himself all the time. Why would you care about someone like that? He stepped towards the bed, staring at the carpet, casting around for an explanation to offer her when in truth he didn’t have one to offer himself.
“The Master was always very good at getting under my skin,” he said. “The Time War only made it more… intense.” Drawing in a deep breath, he lifted his head. “Suppose it feels like I ought to try and save something from home.” He shrugged again and sat down on the edge of the bed by her feet. He could just make out his own reflection in the window glass. “Maybe your way’s better.”
“You can’t save someone like that,” she said gently. “They don’t change.”
“Yeah,” he said quietly. Vivid images of days that had never happened flickered through his mind. “It’s probably better to be alone.”
“You’re not alone.”
Her answer was immediate, and her conviction warmed him like a cup of tea. He turned to her with a broad smile.
“No, I’m not,” he agreed happily. He was still grinning as he waved one hand. “‘Course, I’m not really a Time Lord anymore, either.”
Rose sat up, and the Doctor’s eyes followed the bare skin of her neck from her collarbone to the top of her chest.
“You’re Time Lord enough for me,” she said.
He stretched across the bed until they were only a foot or two apart. “Yeah?”
She nodded confidently, the serious expression on her face belied by the playful glimmer in her eyes. “Absolutely.”
He closed the gap between them for a kiss, and there was none of the urgency that had haunted its recent predecessors: no desperation, nothing to prove, no fear it might be the last.
It was nice - really nice.
Rose pulled away, and the Doctor ran his fingers across her shoulder and down her arm, eventually sliding his hand into hers.
“You know, I do miss the TARDIS,” he said softly, and he saw her tense. “But not nearly as much as I’d miss you.”
A shy smile blossomed across Rose’s face as she looked up at him. “You sure about that?”
Her hair was mussed, her eyeliner smudged, and the Doctor struggled to recall a time she’d ever been more radiant. He was struck, as he often was, by how remarkably lucky he was that the universe had given him this chance, and he grinned from ear to ear.
“Oh, Rose Tyler, absolutely.”
Authors: goldy_dollar & _thirty2flavors
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Ten II/Rose
Genre: Angst, drama
Summary: Six years after Bad Wolf Bay, Rose gets a message from another universe.
Excerpt: "Are you…" okay, she intended to finish and then something caught her eye. A suitcase, by the edge of the bed. It was open, and stuffed haphazardly with his clothes and toiletries. Her stomach sunk. “What the hell is this?”
Previous parts: Part 1; Part 2; Part 3; Part 4; Part 5; Part 6; Part 7; Part 8; Part 9; Part 10; Part 11
Sunlight streamed into the kitchen and Rose winced, a headache building behind her eyes. It was nothing like the headaches she'd had the last few days, though. Nothing she couldn't handle. From down the hall, she heard the bathroom door close and then a few moments later, the sounds of the shower running.
Instead of making lunch, Rose found herself doing the dishes, which had piled up over the last few days. Then she cleaned off the counters, scrubbing at a particularly stubborn spot on the kitchen table. She finished the table and then stopped, washcloth clutched tightly in her hands. She didn’t know what to do next. A hollow and empty feeling pressed against her chest. Now that the adrenaline was fading from her system, she felt a deep weariness settling into her body.
She heard the shower turn off, followed by the buzzing of the Doctor’s electric razor. Suddenly she didn't want to be there when the Doctor finished up. She was tired of summoning up the energy to stay angry with him, and the prospect of another emotionally heart wrenching discussion - in their kitchen no less - was the last thing she wanted.
Decision made, she scribbled a quick note - Off to mum's, be home soon! - then grabbed her keys and her bag.
Rose didn't know if was the lack of sleep or food, or simply the strain of the last few days catching up to her body, but she was jittery the whole way to the Tyler mansion. She'd called her mum on the way over who promised to have lunch ready for her. She could hear the suspicion in her mum's voice, though, and knew Jackie would be pestering with her for questions as soon as Rose pulled up.
When she walked in, her mum was already waiting for her. Much to Rose's relief, Jackie only wrapped her up in a tight hug. Rose felt some of the tension melt out of her body. It felt so good; so right to have someone comfort her.
"Mum-" she began, a waiver in her voice. Truthfully she didn't know what to say. She didn't even know where to begin. I almost died, she thought about saying. And the Doctor broke my heart, again. To rescue me. Then I killed someone. And we're not okay. Nothing's okay.
"I know, sweetheart. I know. We'll sort it out," Jackie said soothingly. "I've sent your father and Tony down to the park. It's just us."
Jackie pulled away, and her eyes narrowed slightly.
"Look at you," she fussed. "Tea. That's what you need. And some food, yeah? I've got those meatballs in, your favourite."
Rose swallowed down her tears. "Thanks mum," she whispered.
She followed her mum to the kitchen who immediately bustled around, setting the kettle and pulling food out of the fridge. Rose sat down at the table and watched, too drained to offer any help. Soon Jackie had a warm plate of food in front of her, followed shortly by a steaming mug of tea. Rose's stomach rumbled when she looked down at the meatballs. They smelled divine and she was starved.
She dug in without preamble. Jackie sat down across from her with her own mug of tea and watched silently as Rose devoured her plate. Rose felt some of her energy returning as she finished, and she leaning back in her chair, looking up to find Jackie watching knowingly.
"There, you see. Some food and tea, just like I said." Then she sobered, and said, "So come on then, out with it. What's he done now?"
Rose almost thought about avoiding the question. It felt so nice, sitting with her mum, her stomach full, teapot sitting on the table between them. For the first time in days, Rose almost forgot to feel sad.
"It's a long story," Rose said.
"Better start from the beginning," said Jackie. "I'll put the kettle back on."
Rose nodded and launched in. She started with the weird dreams she had, about the Doctor contacting her from the other universe. Jackie's forehead crinkled into a frown, but she didn't interrupt. Then Rose told her about the Master, and his history with the Doctor. She explained that the Master did something to her, put a bit of himself in her mind. With a hitch in her voice, she told her mum that it was killing her. At that, Jackie stood up and began to busy herself with the washing up. She was still listening, though, so Rose continued. She told her how the Doctor entered into the deal with the Master to return to their old universe, how he'd made Rose believe that it was what he wanted even though it would mean never seeing her again. Finally, she explained the Doctor's plan to trick the Master, and strand him on an inhabitable planet.
"...if I hadn't found out and gone after him," Rose finished, "he would have died. And I'd have spent my whole life thinking he didn't want to be with me."
The thought of it made her feel sick and she felt a stab of anger all over again. What right had the Doctor had to make that decision on his own? He'd gone and assumed and done what he thought was best for her - again without ever once stopping to ask her or consult with her.
Jackie was suspiciously silent and Rose looked over to find her standing in front of the sink. The washing up was long gone, but she was standing so eerily still and quiet that Rose felt a tendril of fear.
"Mum?" she asked.
"Did you ever think of me?"
"I'm sorry?"
"When you were dying," Jackie said slowly. Her voice was eerily calm. "Seems like the sort of thing it would be worth telling your old mum about." She paused and then turned around, her eyes sad. "Did you even think about it, Rose? How I'd feel if you..."
Rose felt like something was squeezing her insides. "Of course I did, Mum. I thought about it, I did, but I didn't know how to tell you." She looked down at the table. "Then when it seemed like the Master would fix me... I thought I was going to be okay. I didn't want to worry you."
"Oh well I think I would have noticed if the Doctor suddenly stopped showing up here," Jackie said with a huff.
Rose was relieved to hear it. Hearing Jackie speak in such a low and calm voice was one of the eeriest things she'd ever seen.
"I'm sorry, Mum," Rose said. "Really I am... I thought we could sort it, that you wouldn't ever have to know."
"It's my job to know," Jackie said. "I'm your mum, sweetheart." She shook her head. "The pair of you, it's like you get so wrapped up in each other you forget about the rest of us. It's like.... it's like you forget that you're not the only two people in the world. The rest of us aren't just here to pass in and out of your lives, Rose. You should have told me."
Rose was still staring down at the table, her stomach clenched in tight and guilty knots. She found herself nodding. "You're right. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Mum."
Jackie sighed and then seemed to deflate. She sat back down across from Rose and in a kinder voice, said, "So tell me, then. How comes you're really mad at him? 'Cos he lied to you to save your life? Or 'cos he almost offed himself to save you?"
Rose glanced up sharply, sensing a hint of fondness in her mum's questions. "Both. All of it," she said. She hesitated. "He broke my heart, Mum. You didn't hear him. I know he was lying, but he... he did it so well."
"Must have, if he made you believe him," said Jackie. Her lips curved into a small smile. "I can't imagine that man convincing anyone he doesn't love you."
Rose looked down at the table again. "Well, he did," she said, unable to keep the edge out of her voice. "And even if he hadn't... he still made the decision to trade his life for mine. That wasn't his choice to make."
Rose glanced up to find Jackie pressing her lips together tightly, like she quite badly wanted to say something but was nervous over how Rose would react. Rose rolled her eyes. "Oh my God, just say it, Mum."
"Well, I think he made the right choice."
"What?"
Jackie shrugged. "And I'm not just saying that because I'm your mum, though that's part of it, I suppose. He's had a good long life, Rose, hasn't he? But you... you're just getting started, and you've got me, and Tony, and your father... you've got a real family."
"So does he!"
"Well of course he does, Rose, that's not what I meant." She sighed. "I just understand what he was thinking, that's all. What's he got in this universe, really, except you?"
Rose bit the inside of her cheek. "That's not fair."
"Besides, wouldn't you do the same, if you were in his position?"
"Not like that," Rose snapped. "Not the way he did it." She felt tears spring into her eyes again and in a shaky voice said, "It hurt so much, Mum."
Jackie's gaze was sympathetic. "Oh, Rose."
She rubbed at her eyes. "All this time I've spent with him, a part of me always wondered if I was just a runner-up, a consolation for the life he couldn't spent in the TARDIS." She laughed. "He knew exactly how to use that against me."
"I'm so sorry, sweetheart. He shouldn't have done that. Of course he shouldn't have." Jackie took a sip of tea, thoughtful expression on his face. "All the same, though, I can't help but feel sorry for him."
"Mum-"
"Just think of it, though," said Jackie. "Think of how you'd feel if you knew he'd died to save you. He was trying to spare you all that, I reckon. He knew you'd never recover from that." She took another sip of tea, looking dangerously close to tears herself. "Just feel a bit sorry for him, is all." She took a deep breath and set the tea mug down. "Anyway - your dad'll be back soon. We're ordering takeaway tonight from the new curry shop, just around the corner. You can stay, if you'd like. The chicken korma is nice."
Rose felt like her head was spinning.
"No," she said automatically. "I should... the Doctor'll be wondering where I am."
"Go on, then," said Jackie. "Go on and make up with him. You'll feel better."
Rose took one more sip of tea before standing up. She hoped her mum was right.
---
The flat was quiet when Rose walked in. "Doctor?" she called. There was no answer.
She closed the door behind her and walked down the hall, peering into each room as she went. He wasn't in the kitchen, or the sitting room, and the office was empty. Finally she opened the door to their bedroom and found him sitting on the edge of the bed, elbows resting on his knees, his hands clasped together.
He looked up at her when she entered. He'd changed into a clean suit, and he was clean shaven, but he looked so haggard, and so defeated, that it was as if he'd never slept or changed at all.
"Are you..." okay, she intended to finish and then something caught her eye. A suitcase, by the edge of the bed. It was open, and stuffed haphazardly with his clothes and toiletries. Her stomach sank. "What the hell is this?"
The Doctor followed her gaze. "I heard you leave and I thought..." his voice quieted and he bowed his head, scrubbing his hands over face. "I wasn't sure you were coming back."
Rose stared at him. "Don't be stupid. I just went to have tea with Mum."
The Doctor's head shot up so suddenly that Rose was afraid he might give himself whiplash. "Really?"
"Yeah. I left a note on the kitchen table."
"Oh," he said. He took a few moments to process that. "I didn't see the note. I thought.... well."
He looked so pitiful that, like her mum, Rose found herself feeling sorry for him.
"Doctor..." she began, but he was gesturing towards the suitcase.
"So then I thought... well that's not fair, is it? You being the one to leave? It's your flat. I don't even pay rent. I don't even have money to pay rent. So then I thought... to make it easier on you, I should..."
"You would leave," Rose finished, dully.
The Doctor nodded and glanced away.
“Is that…” he began, but his voice caught. He closed his eyes and swallowed, then turned to look at her. “Is that what you want?”
She didn't know what it said about them, that the idea had never occurred to her, but that it popped into the Doctor's head as soon as there was real trouble between them. She took a deep breath. In fairness, she supposed that other than saving his life, she hadn't given much indication that she still wanted to be with him.
“No,” she said quietly. “No, that’s not what I want.”
The immediate relief on his face was tainted with skepticism. “Are you sure? Because I can, if-”
“Yeah,” she said bluntly. Then, when he still looked unconvinced, she added, “I didn’t go all that way to get you just to lose you again.”
It was as if a heavy load had been lifted off his back. For a split second his mouth pulled into a smile, then he composed himself again.
"Right. Good. That’s good." He cleared his throat, and with some trepidation, said, "How is Jackie?"
"You don't have to say it like that," said Rose. "Believe it or not, I think she's actually on your side in this one."
The Doctor cricked his head back around to look at her, suddenly intrigued. "Really?"
"She thinks you could have handled it better, but yeah," Rose said. Then, somewhat reluctantly, she added, "Maybe she's got a point."
The Doctor blinked at her, and then his face went from downtrodden to hopeful. "Does she?"
"Not about everything," Rose said with a scowl, but the Doctor had pushed himself to his feet and moved closer to her - tooclose. “I didn't say she was right, yeah? I'm still cross."
He stopped in front of her, which was really distracting. She didn't sound very cross anymore. He hesitated and then took both of her hands in his, thumb swiping over the back of her hand. A smile was beginning to spread across his face, and he looked like he didn't know how to contain himself anymore.
“I didn’t think I would be back,” he said. “I thought I would die, and you wouldn’t know how much I...” He looked at her and then reached up, fingers brushing against her cheek before he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. His fingers brushed the shell of her ear and she closed her eyes. “... how much I love you,” he finished.
She swallowed hard, her eyes still squeezed shut. “You really hurt me, Doctor."
She sensed him tense, but he only said, “I know, and I'm sorry for that, Rose, I am, but I won't be sorry that you're alive. Besides…” in a more needling tone of voice, he said, “you still came after me, hey?”
Rose bit her lip, not quite able to hide her smile. “Well, someone’s gotta look after you.”
She opened her eyes, and found him gazing at her with so much fondness that it made her feel warm all over. She could tell that he wanted to kiss her, but he was holding himself back, watching her questioningly. Her heart sped up. She closed the distance between them and pressed her lips to his. He responded immediately, his arms going around her back, pressing her closer. He kissed her desperately, like it had been weeks instead of days since they had last done this.
Finally they broke apart, breathing heavily. The Doctor pulled in her for a tight hug, lips brushing against the top of her head. "To be honest, everything worked out much better than I was expecting."
Rose pushed lightly against his chest. "It was still a stupid plan." After a pause, she said, "There was something Mum said."
When she didn't elaborate, the Doctor said, "What did Jackie say?"
Rose pulled away so she could look at him. "She thought that one of the reasons you said those things was 'cos you knew you were going to die and you wanted to make it easier for me. Keep me from knowing you'd died to save me."
The Doctor managed a small, pained smile. "Your mother, Rose Tyler, can be remarkably insightful." He sighed. "Although it may not be apparent from the last few days, all I want is for you to be happy. Alive and happy."
"Yeah, but..." she swallowed hard, and it was difficult to go on. "You make me happy. Thinking it was a lie, that you never... that wasn't better, Doctor. It wasn't."
The Doctor was quiet, a pensive look on his face. He took her hands in his again, watching their interlocking fingers and chewing on his bottom lip before answering.
“I wanted to make sure you could move on,” he admitted after a moment. “I thought hating me might help speed that process along for you.”
It was strange, Rose thought - and not for the first time - that such a clever man could, at times, be so very thick.
“It doesn’t work like that,” she said quietly. “You can’t just flip a switch and stop loving someone because they don’t love you.”
“I know, but…”
He sighed and looked up towards the ceiling, forehead crinkling. He led her by the hand back to the edge of their bed and took a seat, but Rose stayed standing in front of him. She could tell he was contemplating his next words, trying to come up with some combination to make her understand. When he met her eyes again it was with a mix of pride and sadness.
“You would be fine without me, though. You know that, right?”
She opened her mouth to interrupt, but he shook his head and carried on.
“I mean it. It would be hard at first, I know, but you’re strong, and you’re brilliant, and you’ve got that big heart.” The corners of his mouth turned up in a small, encouraging smile. “You’d be all right, in time.”
She studied his expression, shaking her head. She saw in his eyes that he’d truly intended for it to be an encouraging speech, but whether that was truly a testament to his faith in her or a relic of his own self-doubt, she couldn’t be sure. For as long as she’d known him there’d been a part of the Doctor that seemed to think the people he loved might be better off without him.
“I could say the same to you, you know,” she said, folding her arms across her chest. “If I had died, or if you were right, and I left while you were in the shower… I mean you’re strong, and brilliant, and you’ve got a big heart. You’d be fine, right?”
The Doctor’s smile faded and he shifted uncomfortably.
“Well, that’s… that’s different,” he said lamely.
She cocked her head and raised her eyebrows. “Really? Tell me how that’s different.”
He opened and closed his mouth wordlessly for several seconds before reaching up to tug at his ear.
“All right, well, I suppose it’s not… really that different,” he conceded.
Point made, Rose uncrossed her arms and placed her hands on his shoulders, running her thumbs along the base of his collar.
“Look,” she began, gentle but firm. “I get it. I know what it’s like to want to help someone so bad that you find yourself not listening to reason, or worrying about your own safety, or… even being honest with the people you love.” She bit her lip, looking down. “I’ve done it. That’s how we got in this position in the first place.”
“Rose…”
“Almost got myself killed, just like you did.” She locked eyes with him again. “We can’t go blazing off on our own when we should be working as a team. We’re better together. Yeah?”
He watched her with big, hopeful eyes that squeezed her heart, and nodded. “Yeah.”
“And that means no more making executive decisions about my safety without consulting me.” Her face was calm but uncompromising. “Think you can handle that?”
The Doctor was nodding the second she finished speaking. “Yes-"
“I mean it. ‘Cause if you can’t…”
“I can,” he said seriously. “Rose, I can. I promise.”
She might have pointed out that the last promise he’d made had not turned out so well for either of them, but the naked vulnerability and desperation on his face stopped her. She pictured him packing his suitcase alone, unsure if she’d be coming back, and wondered where he’d planned to go.
“Well,” she said, adopting a lighter tone, “good. Because I think I sort of like having you around.”
Confidence crept back onto his face with a smile. “Oh yeah?”
She shrugged. “Yeah, I mean, I can use all the tall shelves in the kitchen and stuff, so…”
The smile spread into a grin and he slipped two fingers through the belt loops of her jeans to tug her towards him. It was impossible not to grin back. She stepped between his legs and clasped her fingers together behind his neck, and the Doctor’s hands moved to her hips.
“So... are we okay?” he asked.
“Yeah. Almost.”
The alarm on his face almost made her laugh. “Almost?”
“Yeah, but…” She trailed her fingers slowly down his chest, undoing his jacket and sliding her hands underneath. “I can think of a few ways you could make it up to me.”
“Ah.” With a wicked grin he pulled her closer. She felt his warm fingers on her bare skin, creeping up her spine, and her heart beat faster. “Well then, Rose Tyler, I’d better get started.”
---
The Doctor moved about the bedroom as quietly as he could while he unpacked his things, careful not to disturb Rose as she dozed on their bed. For the first time since Rose had begun to have those dreams, he felt truly relaxed. He’d almost forgotten what that was like.
Much like when he’d first arrived in this universe, it all felt unreal, and while he put away his clothes he glanced back at her regularly, reassuring himself she was still there, still breathing, still safe. It was as if she’d been slipping through his fingers for over a week now, and he’d only just managed to grab hold. He wasn’t ready to loosen his grip just yet.
He was nearly finished unpacking when he looked back at her again and found her laying awake, watching out the window with a faraway look in her eyes. He held the shirt in his hands a little tighter and swallowed. Was she having second thoughts about forgiving him?
“Everything all right?” he called, hoping he’d kept the nerves out of his voice.
The answer he got was not what he’d expected.
“I killed someone yesterday,” she said, a bald statement of fact. She looked over at him, her expression inscrutable. “Does that bother you?”
The Doctor busied himself with hanging up his shirt, trying not to remember the sound of Rose’s gun as it fired. “I think a better question is whether or not that bothers you.”
“I dunno.” She rolled onto her back, staring contemplatively at the ceiling. “He was awful. Used me, tortured me, nearly killed me, took you from me…” She shrugged. “But I keep thinking about it. I’ve never done that before, just killed someone like that.” She looked at him. “Do you think that was wrong?”
The Doctor could readily imagine any number of scenarios where he gave Rose the reassurance she was asking for without thinking. He was well aware that there were certain moral standards he applied to himself and to others that Rose simply bypassed. Had it been the Cybermen, or the Daleks, or some new threat--
But the Master was different.
“I don’t know,” he said quietly.
He heard her scoff. “Yeah you do, you just don’t wanna say.” But there was no malice in her words. “I mean, he was gonna regenerate, we saw it. And he would’ve died on that planet anyway.”
Whether the justification was for his benefit or for her own, the Doctor wasn’t sure.
“I’m not sorry I did it. But I dunno,” she continued, “I guess it just sort of feels like he made me more like him.”
Frowning, the Doctor spun to face her.
“Rose, you are nothing like him,” he said firmly. “Trust me, I would know. He would have hurt you if he had the chance.”
She nodded, but he could see that she was mulling it over. Finally she said, “You wouldn’t have done it.”
Sighing, the Doctor rubbed the back of his neck. “No. But I think I’m probably the wrong person to ask about appropriate emotional responses to the Master.”
Rose looked at him so intently he found himself shifting in discomfort, suddenly feeling very exposed. This was a conversation he’d been hoping to avoid - forever, if possible. It wasn’t even a line of thought he wanted to have.
“What is it with you and him?” she asked. “Is it because he’s a Time Lord?”
“Yes,” he answered quickly, then sighed and shook his head. “No. I don’t know.” He stuffed his hands into his pockets and shrugged. “It’s because he’s that Time Lord.”
Judgment and pity mingled together on her face as she tried to understand. He could easily imagine the kinds of questions that were running through her mind; they were questions he asked himself all the time. Why would you care about someone like that? He stepped towards the bed, staring at the carpet, casting around for an explanation to offer her when in truth he didn’t have one to offer himself.
“The Master was always very good at getting under my skin,” he said. “The Time War only made it more… intense.” Drawing in a deep breath, he lifted his head. “Suppose it feels like I ought to try and save something from home.” He shrugged again and sat down on the edge of the bed by her feet. He could just make out his own reflection in the window glass. “Maybe your way’s better.”
“You can’t save someone like that,” she said gently. “They don’t change.”
“Yeah,” he said quietly. Vivid images of days that had never happened flickered through his mind. “It’s probably better to be alone.”
“You’re not alone.”
Her answer was immediate, and her conviction warmed him like a cup of tea. He turned to her with a broad smile.
“No, I’m not,” he agreed happily. He was still grinning as he waved one hand. “‘Course, I’m not really a Time Lord anymore, either.”
Rose sat up, and the Doctor’s eyes followed the bare skin of her neck from her collarbone to the top of her chest.
“You’re Time Lord enough for me,” she said.
He stretched across the bed until they were only a foot or two apart. “Yeah?”
She nodded confidently, the serious expression on her face belied by the playful glimmer in her eyes. “Absolutely.”
He closed the gap between them for a kiss, and there was none of the urgency that had haunted its recent predecessors: no desperation, nothing to prove, no fear it might be the last.
It was nice - really nice.
Rose pulled away, and the Doctor ran his fingers across her shoulder and down her arm, eventually sliding his hand into hers.
“You know, I do miss the TARDIS,” he said softly, and he saw her tense. “But not nearly as much as I’d miss you.”
A shy smile blossomed across Rose’s face as she looked up at him. “You sure about that?”
Her hair was mussed, her eyeliner smudged, and the Doctor struggled to recall a time she’d ever been more radiant. He was struck, as he often was, by how remarkably lucky he was that the universe had given him this chance, and he grinned from ear to ear.
“Oh, Rose Tyler, absolutely.”