Fic: Background Radiation (4/4) Ten II/Rose, Ten/Rose
Title: Background Radiation (4/4)
Pairing: Ten II/Rose, Ten/Rose
Summary: Five years after Journey’s End, Rose wakes up in the wrong universe.
Spoilers: Vague references to the Specials.
Rating: PG-13
A/N: Thanks to mrv3000 for betaing!
Excerpt: There was, of course, one more challenge she still had to get through. Saying goodbye again.
Previous: Part One; Part Two; Part Three
The Doctor hid in the library. He slid into the nearest sofa and closed his eyes, listening to the TARDIS hum around him. She dimmed the lights and raised the temperature slightly, somehow knowing how to tune herself to his new human biology.
He dozed restlessly-thoughts dwelling on Rose. Would she be like this forever? Would it ever be safe to let her leave the TARDIS?
His duplicate found him a short while later. He heard the scuffle of trainers in the doorway and then a gentle throat clearing. He roused himself slowly, shaking his head to dispel the cobwebs in his brain. The other Doctor entered the library with his hands stuffed into his pockets.
“She’s back in the infirmary,” he said. “Sleeping.”
“Oh,” he managed. He paused. “What did you say to her?”
The other Doctor looked uncomfortable. “I told her I... it doesn’t matter. She won’t remember.”
“It matters to me,” he said. “She’s my wife.”
“I’m aware of that,” said his duplicate, now distinctly colder. “I had one moment with her. You’ve got a lifetime.”
He sighed and then hung his head, feeling slightly ashamed. “Maybe you should sit with her for a bit.”
“What?”
“I should…” he rubbed his eyes, feeling like the floor might rush up to meet him at any moment. “I need to get some rest.”
“Oh, no, no, no,” said his duplicate. “You are not abandoning her. It doesn’t work like that.”
“And you’d know all about abandoning people.”
“Oi,” said his duplicate. “Worked out for you, didn’t it? Stop whinging and go sit with her.”
He shook his head. “No.”
“What? Why not?”
He raised his head. “I can’t… I can’t watch her go through this. I just… I can’t, Doctor.”
His duplicate’s jaw tightened and he stood silently, thinking. Finally, he pointed to him. “You… you made vows. Wedding vows! You can’t just give up now ‘cos it got a bit difficult. Rose would never give up on you, you…”
He left the rest of it go unsaid, settling for glaring at him accusingly instead. The Doctor sighed and leaned back in the chair, folding his legs up under him. His duplicate was right. He couldn’t abandon Rose-not now. Not ever.
He pinched the bridge of his nose. “I can’t help her like this,” he finally managed, looking at the other Doctor through itchy eyes. “I can barely tell which way is up.”
His duplicate dragged a hand through his hair. “Fine, then,” he said. “Get some rest. I’ll sit with her.” He paused, and still watching him accusingly, said, “She’ll wake up soon, and she’ll want you there. She’s getting better.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Time Lord,” responded his duplicate by way of explanation. “I know.”
He snorted. “Oh, come on, unless you went inside of her head-which you explicitly told me not to do-”
“Or maybe,” said his duplicate, cutting him off, “all she needed to hear was something I should have told her long ago. I don't know--the human brain is a brilliant and complicated thing.”
The Doctor let the implications of that sink in. Apparently deciding that the conversation was over, his duplicate turned on his heel and marched away. Something made the Doctor call him back.
“You could stay with us,” he said to his duplicate’s retreating back. “You know, for a while.”
His duplicate froze. Very slowly, he turned around. “I’m sorry?”
“Rose would like that.”
His lips turned up into a smile, “Really?” Then he shook his head. “We shouldn’t drag this out. Besides-” his smile dimmed. “You’re not the one who will have to walk away from her, in the end.”
The Doctor looked away, feeling weighed down by the other man’s sorrow. “Suppose not.”
“Get some rest,” said the other Doctor firmly, but not unkindly. “She’s going to need you.”
***
Rose felt like someone had opened up her head and stuffed it full of cotton. Against her better judgment, she forced her eyes open. Bright light stung her eyes, and a low-grade headache pounded in the back of her head.
Eyes watering, she looked around the room, eyes landing on familiar brown struts and columns. The TARDIS, she thought with a jolt. She was on the TARDIS.
She struggled to sit up and her eyes fell on a brown suited figure curled up in an armchair with a book on his lap. Her heart took a slow, diving tug. She missed that suit.
“Hi,” she said and was surprised by how scratchy her voice sounded.
The Doctor looked up from his book, a warm smile spreading across his face. “Hello. Welcome back.”
Her heart pounded faster under his gaze. She felt like she was seeing him again-that Doctor she travelled with in the TARDIS once upon a time. Not the cold and lonely version that had first greeted her when she fell into the other universe.
“Did I go somewhere?” Rose asked.
The Doctor’s smile was gentle, but he didn’t answer. Instead, he stood up, lean body unfolding as he rose to his feet. He deposited the book on the chair and approached her bedside.
“Can I...?” he said, reaching out a hand.
“Yeah.”
He pressed his palm to her forehead and Rose closed her eyes, heart fluttering at his touch. “How did it go?” she said. “Am I better?”
The hand disappeared and she opened her eyes to find that he’d got very, very close. “It worked,” he said. “What’s the last thing you remember?”
His eyes were tender as he gazed at her, but there was something deep and lonely about his face. It broke her heart to think about him returning to the other universe on his own.
“You told me to sit down,” she replied. “Then you put that thing on my head-that Chameleon Arch.” She squeezed her eyes shut again. “It hurt.”
She felt fingers wrap around hers and squeeze her hand. “I’m sorry.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
She opened her eyes and found him watching her intently. Again, she felt like his gaze was pained and distant. She instinctively reached out to touch him, but he ducked out of the way.
“Rose,” he said, the warning clear in his voice.
She drew her hand back and then rolled over, turning to face the wall. Her cheeks burned in embarrassment. Behind her, the Doctor sighed.
“It’s not that I don’t... I just can’t.”
Rose opened her mouth-and then thought better of it. What could she tell him? That she wanted him to stay? How could she when she’d built an entire life with his duplicate? It wouldn’t be fair to either of them.
The sounds of approaching footsteps saved her from having to make a reply and she rolled over to find her Doctor standing in the doorway. He looked tired and unshaven, but the blue suit was comfortable and reassuring.
“Rose,” he said, obviously startled to find her awake. “Are you...?” he trailed off with a pained expression like he didn’t know how to continue that thought.
“She’s back,” said the Time Lord Doctor.
Rose’s Doctor broke out into a wide grin. “Rose?” he said again.
“Yeah?”
“What’s the last thing you remember?”
“Um...” Rose said, now distinctly confused. Why had they both asked her that? “I put on the Chameleon Arch. Then I woke up here.”
The Doctor gave an undignified whoop that had Rose grinning. In a few quick strides, he’d crossed to her bedside, leaning over to hug her.
“What’s going on?” Rose said. She tried to sound stern, but the Doctor trailed kisses across her face and she found herself giggling. “Come on-” she tried, but he found her lips and she gave in to kissing him back.
Finally, she pushed at his shoulders and he pulled away, still grinning happily. She glanced over his shoulder and felt a disappointed tug when she realized the other Doctor had gone.
“Doctor,” she said sternly. “Tell me what’s going on.”
He reached out to stroke her hair, wedding ring glinting in the light. His smile faded. “There were some complications.”
“Complications?” Rose repeated.
The Doctor nodded ambiguously like he wasn’t sure how much to tell her. Rose felt her frustration rise-even after all these years, he still felt like it was his job to decide what she could handle.
“Tell me,” she pressed.
“You had this... this sort of amnesia,” he said.
She blinked. “I had... what?”
“You woke up at different points in your own timeline. The Chameleon Arch-that’s alien technology, Rose. It wreaked havoc on your brain. Your body recovered the only way it could.” His lips turned up into a faint smile. “At one point, you didn’t remember I regenerated.”
“That was ages ago,” Rose said slowly as her thoughts drifted to a Doctor with big ears and a leather jacket. She so rarely thought of him like that anymore. “How come I can’t remember?”
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “It was... traumatic for you. Fascinating thing, the human brain-it’s possible that those memories have been repressed. They might come back in bits and pieces.”
He spoke calmly, almost robotically, like she was any other patient or companion. But Rose could tell how exhausted he was. She felt a twinge of guilt. She could only imagine how hard all this had been on him.
She closed her eyes, trying to focus on recalling her lost memories. Something about... Krop Tor? And... the brown-suited Doctor? Her heart jumped into her throat as she remembered him holding her hand, whispering to her.
Her eyes snapped open. The Doctor’s face swam into focus and she threw her arms around him, nuzzling into his neck. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
She was beginning to feel like she only caused him pain. He hugged her back tightly, breathing in deeply.
“I love you,” he said into her hair.
“I love you too.” She pulled away and managed a bright smile. “So what’s my prognosis, doc?”
Her smile had the desired effect. The Doctor relaxed, face breaking into a smile of his own.
“Ooh, now, let’s see....” With a dramatic flourish, he pulled out his specs and sat them over his nose. Then he grabbed the thermo-regenerator... thing... and slowly scanned it over her body.
She smiled lazily at him, and watched him fondly as he checked and double-checked the readings.
“Look at you,” she murmured, “back in the TARDIS.”
“Yeah,” he said. “I’ve missed this. It’s loads better than those barbaric things they give you at the Torchwood medical wing.”
“Shots?” said Rose. “Yeah, those are right terrifying.”
They shared a smile and the Doctor focused on the machine again, looking pleased by the readings.
Rose leaned back, wriggling until she got comfortable. “Guess I sort of ruined our honeymoon, didn’t I?”
The Doctor eyed her over the top of his specs. “Of course you didn’t.”
“Well, we can get back to it, can’t we? After I’m through here?” Rose sat up, and the thermo-regenerator squawked loudly in his hands. “I’m going to be okay, yeah? Doctor?”
“Clean bill of health!” he declared. He shut off the thermo-regenerator and tossed it over his shoulder.
“Never doubted it,” Rose said. “I do have the world’s best doctor.”
“Well,” he said proudly, smile turning into a smirk.
She rolled her eyes and then pulled him in for a long kiss. She reckoned he’d earned it.
****
They emerged from the infirmary holding hands. Rose felt a little unsteady on her feet, but she insisted on walking.
“I can’t be having the best hair day,” she said, tugging at her hair like that might miraculously flatten it.
The Doctor sent her a sidelong glance, gaze softening as he looked at her. “You look beautiful.”
She nudged him in the arm, blushing at the compliment, even if she was aware that he’d just deftly avoided answering her question.
She took in a deep breath as they neared the console room. There was, of course, one more challenge she still had to get through.
Saying goodbye again.
“You could go with him, if you want,” said the Doctor softly.
She blinked at him. “What?”
He seemed entranced by his shoes. “He wouldn’t turn you down, Rose. Not again.”
Rose swallowed. “What are you saying?”
He clenched her hand tightly and then let it go. “I’m saying that you have a choice this time. I don’t… you don’t have to stay with me. Not if you feel obligated.”
“How can you even say that?” she said, feeling shaky. “After everything we’ve been through?”
He stared at her, jaw slack. Then he shook his head and burst out with, “Wardrobe room!” He spoke rapidly as if he was no longer aware of her. “I’ll just be-hmm, ten minutes? It’s been ages since I’ve been in the wardrobe room, and I didn’t get much of a chance to prepare the last time around. I could use a new pair of Chucks. And a coat. It’s been ages since I’ve had a good coat. What do you think?”
“You can’t just…”
“Brilliant!” he said. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and then raced off towards the wardrobe room.
Rose clenched her jaw and decided it would be pointless to run after him. She’d never reach him in her weakened state. And she still had unfinished business with the other Doctor.
She wiped her hands on her jeans and then, taking a deep breath, walked into the console room. She looked around for the Doctor. He was sitting in the pilot’s chair, feet propped up on the console. He didn’t look over at her and she approached him cautiously, having no idea where to even begin. Thanks for saving my life? Sorry I rubbed my life with the other you in your nose? See you later, have a good time in the TARDIS?
Finally, she reached his side. She leaned back against the console, next to his feet. Slowly, he turned his gaze on hers, and the look on his face tore at her heart. She knew that look. It was the same look he wore back on Bad Wolf Bay, back when he realized he’d just lost the TARDIS forever and had to learn how to live like a human.
They were so much the same, and yet, she couldn’t just slip another Doctor into her life when she’d spent the last five years building up a relationship with one of them.
“All right?” he said.
“Yeah,” Rose said. “The other Doctor said it worked-that Chameleon Arch thing.”
The Doctor mustered up a smile. “It worked brilliantly. You’re good as new. Rose Tyler.”
The last came out as more of a croak and he jumped to his feet, beginning to pull at buttons on the console. Rose hugged her arms to her chest, sensing that he was trying to leave as quickly as possible.
“Thank you,” she said, “for saving my life.”
“You’re very welcome. Just… stay safe, eh? And live a good, long life. For both our sakes.” Rose smiled and the Doctor looked around as if just noticing that they were on their own. “Where did I go off to, anyway?”
“Wardrobe room,” said Rose. “Something about a coat?”
“Oh,” said the Doctor, eyebrows shooting up.
“He’s not taking yours, don’t worry.”
The Doctor nodded absently and then returned to fiddling with the console, obviously trying to put as much distance between them as possible.
Rose bit her lip and then followed him. “Doctor?”
His hands paused on the console, but he didn’t look up. “What is it?”
She touched his arm. He flinched, but didn’t pull away. “You could come by sometimes. You don’t have to close that tear behind you.”
He sucked in a breath. “Rose-”
“It’s just…” she said, “you’re not alone, yeah? I’ll be here. If you ever need anything. Anything at all.”
She saw him think about it, but she all ready knew what his answer was going to be. It was too painful for him to watch her with his duplicate.
Sure enough, he said, “I’d be intruding.”
“Yeah, and since when has that mattered to you?”
He smiled. “You and he have a life together,” he said firmly.
Rose sighed and let the subject drop. Her eyes darted around the console room again. It felt bigger than she remembered it. Bigger and emptier-darker, too, like the Doctor was just existing in it rather than living. She rubbed at her arms. She hated to think of him leaving and going on alone, but what could she do? He’d made his choice. She couldn’t tie him up and force him to live in the spare room of their flat. She’d given him a way to stay in touch, and it was up to him to do the rest.
“I’m going to regenerate soon,” he said abruptly.
Her eyes widened. “How do you know?”
He shrugged, eyes distant. “Everywhere I go, I keep hearing the same message-that my song is ending.”
“Oh,” Rose said. She opened her mouth to tell him that it didn’t matter, she didn’t care, and then stopped herself. It wasn’t quite true, was it? A person’s look and feel and personality mattered. Sometimes she’d felt like she and him were meant for each other, right down to how her hand fit in his.
“Then...” she finally said. “I’m glad we got a chance to say goodbye.”
She mustered up a brave smile and his eyes went all soft and tender in a way that told Rose how much he loved her even if he couldn’t say it. He closed the gap between them and pulled her in for a tight hug. He held her with such stillness and desperation that she wondered if she’d ever be able to let go.
A part of her yearned to ask him if he would still love her, after...
But she wasn’t sure which answer would be worse. So she stayed silent.
“I wish I could be there for you,” she said, picturing him alone in an empty TARDIS as he died. The image brought fresh tears to her eyes. “Promise me that you’ll find someone.”
There was no answer and Rose fell silent. She fought the urge to scream at the universe-it just wasn’t fair to split him in two when there was only one of her.
Finally, the Doctor pulled away. He took a few steps backwards and shoved his hands in his pockets. “Well,” he whispered.
“Well,” Rose said-and then decided to press her point. “Think of all the good times we had together. The Gelth and Christmas and Queen Victoria-would you change any of that?”
He looked surprised. “Of course not.”
“Then find someone,” she said. “It doesn’t have to be right now or even soon-but one day. You’re happiest when you’ve got someone with you.”
He looked away. “Maybe.”
“I know so,” Rose said. “And you know what, Doctor? It’s not goodbye for us-it never will be. The universe is always gonna be in danger from something and one day you’ll need my help. So we’ll see each other again. And I won’t care who you look like-that won’t matter.”
He managed a smile. “I hope so.”
She smiled back, beginning to feel like she was getting through to him. The sound of footsteps approached the console room and a moment later, her Doctor rounded the corner, arms piled with clothes. “I found a coat!” he said. “And possibly a hat. I’ve always wanted a good hat. Rose, you’re not ashamed of a man in a hat, are you?”
Rose drew in a deep breath and backed away from the console. “No,” she said shakily, trying to smile. And then, “What sort of hat?”
The Doctor frowned at her, eyes ticking from her to the other him. He looked troubled. “Am I interrupting something?”
“No,” said the other Doctor hurriedly. “We’re finished.” He let one hand drop down on the console. “I should be off. The TARDIS can’t survive this world much longer.”
“Right,” said Rose’s Doctor. He cleared his throat. “Thank you, Doctor. For everything.”
The Doctor in brown raised his head from the console. The two men stared at each other, some sort of unspoken understanding passing between them. Rose’s eyes ticked from one to the other, and she stayed very, very still, hardly daring to even breathe. Finally, her Doctor broke their stare and turned to Rose.
“Come on,” he said, “it’s time for us to go.”
Rose looked back at the Time Lord Doctor. He studiously avoided her stare and made a show of pulling levers on the console. That was it, then. He was just going to turn around and go. Again.
No goodbyes, she reminded herself, but suddenly found that it provided her with little comfort.
“Rose?” prodded her Doctor.
“Yeah,” she said, tearing her gaze away. Her eyes fell on a blue suited Doctor with a pile of clothes balled up under his arm. “Let’s go.”
She followed him out of the TARDIS. Behind her, she could already hear the TARDIS groaning as she prepared to dematerialize. Rose remembered another day, another goodbye, and a cold beach as the Doctor turned around and left.
Her eyes had just enough time to take in the gaudy decorations of the hotel room before the sound of the TARDIS dematerializing filled the air. She spun around in time to watch it fade away, listening to the grind of its engines for what could be the final time.
It disappeared and Rose felt bereft and light-headed. Funny, she thought, how it never got any easier.
She felt a hand on her shoulder and looked up to find the Doctor watching her sadly. Without speaking, she leaned heavily against him and he pressed his chin to the top of her head. She turned her head to nestle into his shoulder, squeezing her eyes shut. As much as she missed the TARDIS, the Doctor had to be feeling her loss far more acutely.
She raised her gaze and studied the Doctor’s profile. His cheeks and nose were dotted in freckles, and she could just make out the first hints of grey beginning to fleck his sideburns. She rose on her tiptoes and pressed her nose to his cheek, relaxing when one of his arms found its way around her.
She tilted her head until her lips met his. He leaned into the kiss, eyes falling shut and his hand came up to frame her face.
She pulled away and felt breathless like the ground was spinning under her feet. Present from the Chameleon Arch, she reckoned, trying to ignore the lump in her throat.
The Doctor didn’t notice her discomfort. His fingers brushed over her cheek, his eyes softening. “Rose, I’m going to put this stuff away-” he nodded to the clothes still balled up under his arm, “and then-”
“We’ll get some rest?” Rose suggested, yawning widely in his face. “And you have got to start shaving again.”
He blinked and then released her to swipe one hand over his chin. “Ah,” he said.
“No one likes kissing a man with stubble,” Rose said. “It’s like kissing a porcupine.”
“I’m touched,” said the Doctor, but he sounded happier than he had in ages. With something of a jaunt in his step, he moved off to sort through his new acquisitions.
Rose watched him go, smile dimming.
****
“We could try rock climbing tomorrow,” Rose said, shifting in the tub. Water slopped up against the sides, splashing onto the floor.
The Doctor raised his eyebrows from where he was sitting on the toilet seat, clean-shaven but still unwashed. “We’ll see.”
Rose sighed. She leaned back to rinse her hair out under the water, closing her eyes and enjoying the warm water against her body. She didn’t want to tell the Doctor, but the Chameleon Arch had clearly taken a toll on her. There was a steady throbbing headache in her temples, and the rest of her body felt like it had been mowed over by a tidal wave.
When she emerged from the water, she found the Doctor had shifted closer to the tub and was now peering at her thoughtfully. “You should have something to eat.”
“I’m all right,” she said.
“I can make you a sandwich,” he continued. “I’ll even cut off the crusts.”
“Yeah, I’m not five.”
He frowned. “Loads of people like their crusts cut off.”
“And loads of people who aren’t half-alien or my baby brother don’t mind them,” Rose said. “Listen, you don’t have to fuss, yeah? I’m going to be fine. The TARDIS said so.”
She immediately felt bad about bringing up the TARDIS, but the Doctor hardly seemed to notice. “Rose-”
She took a deep breath and disappeared under the water again, determined to avoid whatever lecture he was going to give her. When she emerged again, he was beginning to look frustrated.
“All right, I’m sorry,” she said. She looked down at her fingers. They were beginning to shrivel in the water like a prune. She rubbed at her wedding ring. “I know you’re worried about me.”
“Yeah,” he said softly. “I am.” He paused and then swallowed. “Is that so wrong?”
She didn’t answer right away. She supposed she’d become so accustomed to looking out for him in this world that it was odd that their positions were in reverse. He’d been so baffled by his new human life at first, so much that simple things like needing money to buy milk had almost overwhelmed him. He’d gotten better with time, but Rose was still the one who dealt with most of the simple day-to-day matters like paying bills or putting the garbage out.
So she nodded and drew her legs closer to her chest. “It hurts.”
She saw him tense, but all he said was, “Where?”
“Everywhere,” she said. “I know it’s good ‘cos it means I’m gonna live, but all the same… it hurts.” She wiped furiously at her cheeks before adding, “And it hurts that he turned and left me again. It’s a different sort of hurt, but it still… it never really gets any easier.”
She heard his pained intake of breath, but he only said, “I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” Rose said, wiping at her eyes again. “It’s just that…”
How could she put it into words? How could she tell him that the problem was knowing that the person you loved most of all was still out there on his own? When he was sitting right across from her?
“When I had that… that amnesia,” Rose continued, looking up at him, “did something happen? I keep feeling like I’m missing something important.” She sighed in frustration. “I’m probably just being stupid.”
“Never,” said the Doctor, but his tone rang false. He stood up and rummaged around before coming back with a big, fluffy towel. “Come on,” he said. “You need food and rest.”
Rose knew he was trying to distract her, but she was too exhausted to press her point. “I’m not the only one.”
He blinked at her in befuddlement and she idly flicked some water in his direction. “Take a shower and then come to bed, yeah? Food can wait.”
He hesitated, but Rose pushed herself to her feet, shivering as the cool air hit her skin. The Doctor had the towel wrapped around her a moment later. Rose stepped out of the bathtub and then leaned against the Doctor, her wet hair leaving a patch of water on his shoulder.
“I mean it,” she said. “You’ve got to be just as tired as me, half-Time Lord or not.”
His lips pressed against her temple and then he said. “All right. I’ll be right there.”
She nodded and then made her way to their bedroom, her legs feeling heavier with each step. She didn’t bother with drying her hair; only wrung it in her towel a few times. Then she left the towel in a pile on the floor before slipping into her pyjamas. Shivering, she crawled into bed, pulling the covers up to her neck. She closed her eyes and listened to the steady drum of the shower, waiting for the Doctor to come back out.
It didn’t take him long. She heard the bathroom door open and shut, and light briefly flashed across her closed eyelids. Then the bed tilted towards one side and the Doctor climbed in next to her.
“Rose,” he whispered. “Are you asleep?”
“Not yet.”
He shifted and then cuddled up behind her. His arms wrapped around her middle and he pulled her still wet hair back to kiss the back of her neck before stilling.
She could feel his heart thudding against her back, and she didn’t have to look at him to know he was still tense.
She rolled over. “Doctor? What’s wrong?”
He didn’t answer at first. His hand trailed up and down her side, and he seemed lost in thought. Finally, he said. “Rose, you were dying and I didn’t even know.”
“Don’t be stupid. That’s not your fault.”
“He knew… the other me knew. And if he hadn’t…”
“He only knew ‘cos I fell through to the other universe.
“Yeah,” he said gruffly.
Rose cuddled into his side. “Does it matter? I’m better now.”
“It’s not that. It’s…”
Instead of finishing, he pressed his nose to her cheek, seeming content with just touching her for the time being. Half-human or not, it was still half impossible to get him to talk about anything that mattered.
“Come on,” she said, pushing lightly on his chest. “What is it? Doctor?”
“We were on our honeymoon, Rose,” he said pulling away, and almost sounding annoyed that she hadn’t all ready figured that out on her own. “I used to think it’d be better if we went away-somewhere without Torchwood and aliens and fire-breathing Smalgenvores.”
“They only breathed fire when they were provoked!” Rose protested. She sat up in bed, suddenly wide-awake. “Doctor, that sort of life? Without the aliens and adventures? How rubbish is that? You’d hate it.”
He sat up next to her, letting his elbows rest on his knees. “I know.”
“Then why…?”
He shrugged. “You’d be safe.”
“Oh,” Rose whispered.
He pinched the bridge of his nose. “But we were on our honeymoon,” he repeated. “We haven’t seen a single alien in days, and the biggest mystery I’ve thought about is why on Earth anyone in their right mind would use that wallpaper in the living room of the honeymoon suite.”
“Maybe the owners were colour blind?”
The Doctor contemplated that for a moment before shaking his head. “The point is, we were on the world’s most boring holiday-”
“Oi!”
“And you still... you...”
“All right, it’s okay,” she said, arms automatically going around him. He fell silent and leaned into her. In the dark, she could just make out the curve of his nose on his face. She hooked one leg over his and dropped her voice. “How come you asked me if I wanted to go with him? It’s not like TARDIS travel is the safest thing in the universe.”
He drew in a sharp breath. “That’s different.”
“Is it?”
He stiffened but Rose held on to him tighter. “Yes. I’m not just… just an obligation. Last time you didn’t get a choice. This time you did.” He paused. “He’s missed you.”
She felt her heart flutter, but she only said, “I’m not just gonna go throw away a relationship we’ve spent five years building.” She shifted her weight so she could look him in the eyes. “Besides, I chose the Doctor. Every time. He’s still you, isn’t he?”
“Yeah,” he said after a pause. And then, “D’you really think so?”
She hadn’t seen him this insecure since those long weeks after Bad Wolf Bay. “I didn’t marry you ‘cos I was settling for an ‘obligation,’” she said sharply.
“That’s not what I meant,” said the Doctor. He gave a ragged sigh. “If a part of you still wanted to be with him…” He trailed off, suddenly looking unsure of what he wanted to say. “Well,” he settled on, shrugging.
Rose opened her mouth to reply, but a sudden memory distracted her.
”I came back,” said the Doctor, holding her hand, face bent down close to hers. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught a flash of blue as his duplicate left the room.
Her heart pounded. Dimly she was aware that they were in the console room (when had that happened?), but his fingers squeezed hers and she fixed her gaze on his. Questions of “What’s going on?” and “How did I get here?” died in her throat.
“You should have said goodbye,” she found herself saying.
The Doctor ignored that. “Rose, listen, there’s something I have to tell you.”
Her pounding heart kicked it up a notch. “What is it?”
He took a deep breath. “If this is my last chance-and I mean that, really and properly this time-Rose Tyler, I…”
“Rose?” called the Doctor.
She jumped, and the memory faded. But she knew how that sentence was going to end and it brought on a powerful wave of sorrow and elation. He’d said it-five years too late and when she wasn’t in her right mind-but he’d still said it.
She reckoned she had a pretty good idea what had made her Doctor feel so insecure.
“Listen, I’m never gonna stop missing him.” She reached for his hand and wound her fingers through his, squeezing them tightly. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with you.”
He took that in. His fingers trailed over her wedding ring. “Okay,” he whispered. “Thank you.”
She smiled. “We’re okay?”
“Oh, yes,” he said. Then, looking thoughtful, he tapped the side of her head. “What about in there?”
She didn’t answer right away. Instead she tugged the covers back over both of them, suddenly exhausted again. Her eyes closed as soon as her head hit the pillow, and her words were thick and heavy when she finally replied, “It’s much quieter now.”
Pairing: Ten II/Rose, Ten/Rose
Summary: Five years after Journey’s End, Rose wakes up in the wrong universe.
Spoilers: Vague references to the Specials.
Rating: PG-13
A/N: Thanks to mrv3000 for betaing!
Excerpt: There was, of course, one more challenge she still had to get through. Saying goodbye again.
Previous: Part One; Part Two; Part Three
The Doctor hid in the library. He slid into the nearest sofa and closed his eyes, listening to the TARDIS hum around him. She dimmed the lights and raised the temperature slightly, somehow knowing how to tune herself to his new human biology.
He dozed restlessly-thoughts dwelling on Rose. Would she be like this forever? Would it ever be safe to let her leave the TARDIS?
His duplicate found him a short while later. He heard the scuffle of trainers in the doorway and then a gentle throat clearing. He roused himself slowly, shaking his head to dispel the cobwebs in his brain. The other Doctor entered the library with his hands stuffed into his pockets.
“She’s back in the infirmary,” he said. “Sleeping.”
“Oh,” he managed. He paused. “What did you say to her?”
The other Doctor looked uncomfortable. “I told her I... it doesn’t matter. She won’t remember.”
“It matters to me,” he said. “She’s my wife.”
“I’m aware of that,” said his duplicate, now distinctly colder. “I had one moment with her. You’ve got a lifetime.”
He sighed and then hung his head, feeling slightly ashamed. “Maybe you should sit with her for a bit.”
“What?”
“I should…” he rubbed his eyes, feeling like the floor might rush up to meet him at any moment. “I need to get some rest.”
“Oh, no, no, no,” said his duplicate. “You are not abandoning her. It doesn’t work like that.”
“And you’d know all about abandoning people.”
“Oi,” said his duplicate. “Worked out for you, didn’t it? Stop whinging and go sit with her.”
He shook his head. “No.”
“What? Why not?”
He raised his head. “I can’t… I can’t watch her go through this. I just… I can’t, Doctor.”
His duplicate’s jaw tightened and he stood silently, thinking. Finally, he pointed to him. “You… you made vows. Wedding vows! You can’t just give up now ‘cos it got a bit difficult. Rose would never give up on you, you…”
He left the rest of it go unsaid, settling for glaring at him accusingly instead. The Doctor sighed and leaned back in the chair, folding his legs up under him. His duplicate was right. He couldn’t abandon Rose-not now. Not ever.
He pinched the bridge of his nose. “I can’t help her like this,” he finally managed, looking at the other Doctor through itchy eyes. “I can barely tell which way is up.”
His duplicate dragged a hand through his hair. “Fine, then,” he said. “Get some rest. I’ll sit with her.” He paused, and still watching him accusingly, said, “She’ll wake up soon, and she’ll want you there. She’s getting better.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Time Lord,” responded his duplicate by way of explanation. “I know.”
He snorted. “Oh, come on, unless you went inside of her head-which you explicitly told me not to do-”
“Or maybe,” said his duplicate, cutting him off, “all she needed to hear was something I should have told her long ago. I don't know--the human brain is a brilliant and complicated thing.”
The Doctor let the implications of that sink in. Apparently deciding that the conversation was over, his duplicate turned on his heel and marched away. Something made the Doctor call him back.
“You could stay with us,” he said to his duplicate’s retreating back. “You know, for a while.”
His duplicate froze. Very slowly, he turned around. “I’m sorry?”
“Rose would like that.”
His lips turned up into a smile, “Really?” Then he shook his head. “We shouldn’t drag this out. Besides-” his smile dimmed. “You’re not the one who will have to walk away from her, in the end.”
The Doctor looked away, feeling weighed down by the other man’s sorrow. “Suppose not.”
“Get some rest,” said the other Doctor firmly, but not unkindly. “She’s going to need you.”
***
Rose felt like someone had opened up her head and stuffed it full of cotton. Against her better judgment, she forced her eyes open. Bright light stung her eyes, and a low-grade headache pounded in the back of her head.
Eyes watering, she looked around the room, eyes landing on familiar brown struts and columns. The TARDIS, she thought with a jolt. She was on the TARDIS.
She struggled to sit up and her eyes fell on a brown suited figure curled up in an armchair with a book on his lap. Her heart took a slow, diving tug. She missed that suit.
“Hi,” she said and was surprised by how scratchy her voice sounded.
The Doctor looked up from his book, a warm smile spreading across his face. “Hello. Welcome back.”
Her heart pounded faster under his gaze. She felt like she was seeing him again-that Doctor she travelled with in the TARDIS once upon a time. Not the cold and lonely version that had first greeted her when she fell into the other universe.
“Did I go somewhere?” Rose asked.
The Doctor’s smile was gentle, but he didn’t answer. Instead, he stood up, lean body unfolding as he rose to his feet. He deposited the book on the chair and approached her bedside.
“Can I...?” he said, reaching out a hand.
“Yeah.”
He pressed his palm to her forehead and Rose closed her eyes, heart fluttering at his touch. “How did it go?” she said. “Am I better?”
The hand disappeared and she opened her eyes to find that he’d got very, very close. “It worked,” he said. “What’s the last thing you remember?”
His eyes were tender as he gazed at her, but there was something deep and lonely about his face. It broke her heart to think about him returning to the other universe on his own.
“You told me to sit down,” she replied. “Then you put that thing on my head-that Chameleon Arch.” She squeezed her eyes shut again. “It hurt.”
She felt fingers wrap around hers and squeeze her hand. “I’m sorry.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
She opened her eyes and found him watching her intently. Again, she felt like his gaze was pained and distant. She instinctively reached out to touch him, but he ducked out of the way.
“Rose,” he said, the warning clear in his voice.
She drew her hand back and then rolled over, turning to face the wall. Her cheeks burned in embarrassment. Behind her, the Doctor sighed.
“It’s not that I don’t... I just can’t.”
Rose opened her mouth-and then thought better of it. What could she tell him? That she wanted him to stay? How could she when she’d built an entire life with his duplicate? It wouldn’t be fair to either of them.
The sounds of approaching footsteps saved her from having to make a reply and she rolled over to find her Doctor standing in the doorway. He looked tired and unshaven, but the blue suit was comfortable and reassuring.
“Rose,” he said, obviously startled to find her awake. “Are you...?” he trailed off with a pained expression like he didn’t know how to continue that thought.
“She’s back,” said the Time Lord Doctor.
Rose’s Doctor broke out into a wide grin. “Rose?” he said again.
“Yeah?”
“What’s the last thing you remember?”
“Um...” Rose said, now distinctly confused. Why had they both asked her that? “I put on the Chameleon Arch. Then I woke up here.”
The Doctor gave an undignified whoop that had Rose grinning. In a few quick strides, he’d crossed to her bedside, leaning over to hug her.
“What’s going on?” Rose said. She tried to sound stern, but the Doctor trailed kisses across her face and she found herself giggling. “Come on-” she tried, but he found her lips and she gave in to kissing him back.
Finally, she pushed at his shoulders and he pulled away, still grinning happily. She glanced over his shoulder and felt a disappointed tug when she realized the other Doctor had gone.
“Doctor,” she said sternly. “Tell me what’s going on.”
He reached out to stroke her hair, wedding ring glinting in the light. His smile faded. “There were some complications.”
“Complications?” Rose repeated.
The Doctor nodded ambiguously like he wasn’t sure how much to tell her. Rose felt her frustration rise-even after all these years, he still felt like it was his job to decide what she could handle.
“Tell me,” she pressed.
“You had this... this sort of amnesia,” he said.
She blinked. “I had... what?”
“You woke up at different points in your own timeline. The Chameleon Arch-that’s alien technology, Rose. It wreaked havoc on your brain. Your body recovered the only way it could.” His lips turned up into a faint smile. “At one point, you didn’t remember I regenerated.”
“That was ages ago,” Rose said slowly as her thoughts drifted to a Doctor with big ears and a leather jacket. She so rarely thought of him like that anymore. “How come I can’t remember?”
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “It was... traumatic for you. Fascinating thing, the human brain-it’s possible that those memories have been repressed. They might come back in bits and pieces.”
He spoke calmly, almost robotically, like she was any other patient or companion. But Rose could tell how exhausted he was. She felt a twinge of guilt. She could only imagine how hard all this had been on him.
She closed her eyes, trying to focus on recalling her lost memories. Something about... Krop Tor? And... the brown-suited Doctor? Her heart jumped into her throat as she remembered him holding her hand, whispering to her.
Her eyes snapped open. The Doctor’s face swam into focus and she threw her arms around him, nuzzling into his neck. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
She was beginning to feel like she only caused him pain. He hugged her back tightly, breathing in deeply.
“I love you,” he said into her hair.
“I love you too.” She pulled away and managed a bright smile. “So what’s my prognosis, doc?”
Her smile had the desired effect. The Doctor relaxed, face breaking into a smile of his own.
“Ooh, now, let’s see....” With a dramatic flourish, he pulled out his specs and sat them over his nose. Then he grabbed the thermo-regenerator... thing... and slowly scanned it over her body.
She smiled lazily at him, and watched him fondly as he checked and double-checked the readings.
“Look at you,” she murmured, “back in the TARDIS.”
“Yeah,” he said. “I’ve missed this. It’s loads better than those barbaric things they give you at the Torchwood medical wing.”
“Shots?” said Rose. “Yeah, those are right terrifying.”
They shared a smile and the Doctor focused on the machine again, looking pleased by the readings.
Rose leaned back, wriggling until she got comfortable. “Guess I sort of ruined our honeymoon, didn’t I?”
The Doctor eyed her over the top of his specs. “Of course you didn’t.”
“Well, we can get back to it, can’t we? After I’m through here?” Rose sat up, and the thermo-regenerator squawked loudly in his hands. “I’m going to be okay, yeah? Doctor?”
“Clean bill of health!” he declared. He shut off the thermo-regenerator and tossed it over his shoulder.
“Never doubted it,” Rose said. “I do have the world’s best doctor.”
“Well,” he said proudly, smile turning into a smirk.
She rolled her eyes and then pulled him in for a long kiss. She reckoned he’d earned it.
****
They emerged from the infirmary holding hands. Rose felt a little unsteady on her feet, but she insisted on walking.
“I can’t be having the best hair day,” she said, tugging at her hair like that might miraculously flatten it.
The Doctor sent her a sidelong glance, gaze softening as he looked at her. “You look beautiful.”
She nudged him in the arm, blushing at the compliment, even if she was aware that he’d just deftly avoided answering her question.
She took in a deep breath as they neared the console room. There was, of course, one more challenge she still had to get through.
Saying goodbye again.
“You could go with him, if you want,” said the Doctor softly.
She blinked at him. “What?”
He seemed entranced by his shoes. “He wouldn’t turn you down, Rose. Not again.”
Rose swallowed. “What are you saying?”
He clenched her hand tightly and then let it go. “I’m saying that you have a choice this time. I don’t… you don’t have to stay with me. Not if you feel obligated.”
“How can you even say that?” she said, feeling shaky. “After everything we’ve been through?”
He stared at her, jaw slack. Then he shook his head and burst out with, “Wardrobe room!” He spoke rapidly as if he was no longer aware of her. “I’ll just be-hmm, ten minutes? It’s been ages since I’ve been in the wardrobe room, and I didn’t get much of a chance to prepare the last time around. I could use a new pair of Chucks. And a coat. It’s been ages since I’ve had a good coat. What do you think?”
“You can’t just…”
“Brilliant!” he said. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and then raced off towards the wardrobe room.
Rose clenched her jaw and decided it would be pointless to run after him. She’d never reach him in her weakened state. And she still had unfinished business with the other Doctor.
She wiped her hands on her jeans and then, taking a deep breath, walked into the console room. She looked around for the Doctor. He was sitting in the pilot’s chair, feet propped up on the console. He didn’t look over at her and she approached him cautiously, having no idea where to even begin. Thanks for saving my life? Sorry I rubbed my life with the other you in your nose? See you later, have a good time in the TARDIS?
Finally, she reached his side. She leaned back against the console, next to his feet. Slowly, he turned his gaze on hers, and the look on his face tore at her heart. She knew that look. It was the same look he wore back on Bad Wolf Bay, back when he realized he’d just lost the TARDIS forever and had to learn how to live like a human.
They were so much the same, and yet, she couldn’t just slip another Doctor into her life when she’d spent the last five years building up a relationship with one of them.
“All right?” he said.
“Yeah,” Rose said. “The other Doctor said it worked-that Chameleon Arch thing.”
The Doctor mustered up a smile. “It worked brilliantly. You’re good as new. Rose Tyler.”
The last came out as more of a croak and he jumped to his feet, beginning to pull at buttons on the console. Rose hugged her arms to her chest, sensing that he was trying to leave as quickly as possible.
“Thank you,” she said, “for saving my life.”
“You’re very welcome. Just… stay safe, eh? And live a good, long life. For both our sakes.” Rose smiled and the Doctor looked around as if just noticing that they were on their own. “Where did I go off to, anyway?”
“Wardrobe room,” said Rose. “Something about a coat?”
“Oh,” said the Doctor, eyebrows shooting up.
“He’s not taking yours, don’t worry.”
The Doctor nodded absently and then returned to fiddling with the console, obviously trying to put as much distance between them as possible.
Rose bit her lip and then followed him. “Doctor?”
His hands paused on the console, but he didn’t look up. “What is it?”
She touched his arm. He flinched, but didn’t pull away. “You could come by sometimes. You don’t have to close that tear behind you.”
He sucked in a breath. “Rose-”
“It’s just…” she said, “you’re not alone, yeah? I’ll be here. If you ever need anything. Anything at all.”
She saw him think about it, but she all ready knew what his answer was going to be. It was too painful for him to watch her with his duplicate.
Sure enough, he said, “I’d be intruding.”
“Yeah, and since when has that mattered to you?”
He smiled. “You and he have a life together,” he said firmly.
Rose sighed and let the subject drop. Her eyes darted around the console room again. It felt bigger than she remembered it. Bigger and emptier-darker, too, like the Doctor was just existing in it rather than living. She rubbed at her arms. She hated to think of him leaving and going on alone, but what could she do? He’d made his choice. She couldn’t tie him up and force him to live in the spare room of their flat. She’d given him a way to stay in touch, and it was up to him to do the rest.
“I’m going to regenerate soon,” he said abruptly.
Her eyes widened. “How do you know?”
He shrugged, eyes distant. “Everywhere I go, I keep hearing the same message-that my song is ending.”
“Oh,” Rose said. She opened her mouth to tell him that it didn’t matter, she didn’t care, and then stopped herself. It wasn’t quite true, was it? A person’s look and feel and personality mattered. Sometimes she’d felt like she and him were meant for each other, right down to how her hand fit in his.
“Then...” she finally said. “I’m glad we got a chance to say goodbye.”
She mustered up a brave smile and his eyes went all soft and tender in a way that told Rose how much he loved her even if he couldn’t say it. He closed the gap between them and pulled her in for a tight hug. He held her with such stillness and desperation that she wondered if she’d ever be able to let go.
A part of her yearned to ask him if he would still love her, after...
But she wasn’t sure which answer would be worse. So she stayed silent.
“I wish I could be there for you,” she said, picturing him alone in an empty TARDIS as he died. The image brought fresh tears to her eyes. “Promise me that you’ll find someone.”
There was no answer and Rose fell silent. She fought the urge to scream at the universe-it just wasn’t fair to split him in two when there was only one of her.
Finally, the Doctor pulled away. He took a few steps backwards and shoved his hands in his pockets. “Well,” he whispered.
“Well,” Rose said-and then decided to press her point. “Think of all the good times we had together. The Gelth and Christmas and Queen Victoria-would you change any of that?”
He looked surprised. “Of course not.”
“Then find someone,” she said. “It doesn’t have to be right now or even soon-but one day. You’re happiest when you’ve got someone with you.”
He looked away. “Maybe.”
“I know so,” Rose said. “And you know what, Doctor? It’s not goodbye for us-it never will be. The universe is always gonna be in danger from something and one day you’ll need my help. So we’ll see each other again. And I won’t care who you look like-that won’t matter.”
He managed a smile. “I hope so.”
She smiled back, beginning to feel like she was getting through to him. The sound of footsteps approached the console room and a moment later, her Doctor rounded the corner, arms piled with clothes. “I found a coat!” he said. “And possibly a hat. I’ve always wanted a good hat. Rose, you’re not ashamed of a man in a hat, are you?”
Rose drew in a deep breath and backed away from the console. “No,” she said shakily, trying to smile. And then, “What sort of hat?”
The Doctor frowned at her, eyes ticking from her to the other him. He looked troubled. “Am I interrupting something?”
“No,” said the other Doctor hurriedly. “We’re finished.” He let one hand drop down on the console. “I should be off. The TARDIS can’t survive this world much longer.”
“Right,” said Rose’s Doctor. He cleared his throat. “Thank you, Doctor. For everything.”
The Doctor in brown raised his head from the console. The two men stared at each other, some sort of unspoken understanding passing between them. Rose’s eyes ticked from one to the other, and she stayed very, very still, hardly daring to even breathe. Finally, her Doctor broke their stare and turned to Rose.
“Come on,” he said, “it’s time for us to go.”
Rose looked back at the Time Lord Doctor. He studiously avoided her stare and made a show of pulling levers on the console. That was it, then. He was just going to turn around and go. Again.
No goodbyes, she reminded herself, but suddenly found that it provided her with little comfort.
“Rose?” prodded her Doctor.
“Yeah,” she said, tearing her gaze away. Her eyes fell on a blue suited Doctor with a pile of clothes balled up under his arm. “Let’s go.”
She followed him out of the TARDIS. Behind her, she could already hear the TARDIS groaning as she prepared to dematerialize. Rose remembered another day, another goodbye, and a cold beach as the Doctor turned around and left.
Her eyes had just enough time to take in the gaudy decorations of the hotel room before the sound of the TARDIS dematerializing filled the air. She spun around in time to watch it fade away, listening to the grind of its engines for what could be the final time.
It disappeared and Rose felt bereft and light-headed. Funny, she thought, how it never got any easier.
She felt a hand on her shoulder and looked up to find the Doctor watching her sadly. Without speaking, she leaned heavily against him and he pressed his chin to the top of her head. She turned her head to nestle into his shoulder, squeezing her eyes shut. As much as she missed the TARDIS, the Doctor had to be feeling her loss far more acutely.
She raised her gaze and studied the Doctor’s profile. His cheeks and nose were dotted in freckles, and she could just make out the first hints of grey beginning to fleck his sideburns. She rose on her tiptoes and pressed her nose to his cheek, relaxing when one of his arms found its way around her.
She tilted her head until her lips met his. He leaned into the kiss, eyes falling shut and his hand came up to frame her face.
She pulled away and felt breathless like the ground was spinning under her feet. Present from the Chameleon Arch, she reckoned, trying to ignore the lump in her throat.
The Doctor didn’t notice her discomfort. His fingers brushed over her cheek, his eyes softening. “Rose, I’m going to put this stuff away-” he nodded to the clothes still balled up under his arm, “and then-”
“We’ll get some rest?” Rose suggested, yawning widely in his face. “And you have got to start shaving again.”
He blinked and then released her to swipe one hand over his chin. “Ah,” he said.
“No one likes kissing a man with stubble,” Rose said. “It’s like kissing a porcupine.”
“I’m touched,” said the Doctor, but he sounded happier than he had in ages. With something of a jaunt in his step, he moved off to sort through his new acquisitions.
Rose watched him go, smile dimming.
****
“We could try rock climbing tomorrow,” Rose said, shifting in the tub. Water slopped up against the sides, splashing onto the floor.
The Doctor raised his eyebrows from where he was sitting on the toilet seat, clean-shaven but still unwashed. “We’ll see.”
Rose sighed. She leaned back to rinse her hair out under the water, closing her eyes and enjoying the warm water against her body. She didn’t want to tell the Doctor, but the Chameleon Arch had clearly taken a toll on her. There was a steady throbbing headache in her temples, and the rest of her body felt like it had been mowed over by a tidal wave.
When she emerged from the water, she found the Doctor had shifted closer to the tub and was now peering at her thoughtfully. “You should have something to eat.”
“I’m all right,” she said.
“I can make you a sandwich,” he continued. “I’ll even cut off the crusts.”
“Yeah, I’m not five.”
He frowned. “Loads of people like their crusts cut off.”
“And loads of people who aren’t half-alien or my baby brother don’t mind them,” Rose said. “Listen, you don’t have to fuss, yeah? I’m going to be fine. The TARDIS said so.”
She immediately felt bad about bringing up the TARDIS, but the Doctor hardly seemed to notice. “Rose-”
She took a deep breath and disappeared under the water again, determined to avoid whatever lecture he was going to give her. When she emerged again, he was beginning to look frustrated.
“All right, I’m sorry,” she said. She looked down at her fingers. They were beginning to shrivel in the water like a prune. She rubbed at her wedding ring. “I know you’re worried about me.”
“Yeah,” he said softly. “I am.” He paused and then swallowed. “Is that so wrong?”
She didn’t answer right away. She supposed she’d become so accustomed to looking out for him in this world that it was odd that their positions were in reverse. He’d been so baffled by his new human life at first, so much that simple things like needing money to buy milk had almost overwhelmed him. He’d gotten better with time, but Rose was still the one who dealt with most of the simple day-to-day matters like paying bills or putting the garbage out.
So she nodded and drew her legs closer to her chest. “It hurts.”
She saw him tense, but all he said was, “Where?”
“Everywhere,” she said. “I know it’s good ‘cos it means I’m gonna live, but all the same… it hurts.” She wiped furiously at her cheeks before adding, “And it hurts that he turned and left me again. It’s a different sort of hurt, but it still… it never really gets any easier.”
She heard his pained intake of breath, but he only said, “I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” Rose said, wiping at her eyes again. “It’s just that…”
How could she put it into words? How could she tell him that the problem was knowing that the person you loved most of all was still out there on his own? When he was sitting right across from her?
“When I had that… that amnesia,” Rose continued, looking up at him, “did something happen? I keep feeling like I’m missing something important.” She sighed in frustration. “I’m probably just being stupid.”
“Never,” said the Doctor, but his tone rang false. He stood up and rummaged around before coming back with a big, fluffy towel. “Come on,” he said. “You need food and rest.”
Rose knew he was trying to distract her, but she was too exhausted to press her point. “I’m not the only one.”
He blinked at her in befuddlement and she idly flicked some water in his direction. “Take a shower and then come to bed, yeah? Food can wait.”
He hesitated, but Rose pushed herself to her feet, shivering as the cool air hit her skin. The Doctor had the towel wrapped around her a moment later. Rose stepped out of the bathtub and then leaned against the Doctor, her wet hair leaving a patch of water on his shoulder.
“I mean it,” she said. “You’ve got to be just as tired as me, half-Time Lord or not.”
His lips pressed against her temple and then he said. “All right. I’ll be right there.”
She nodded and then made her way to their bedroom, her legs feeling heavier with each step. She didn’t bother with drying her hair; only wrung it in her towel a few times. Then she left the towel in a pile on the floor before slipping into her pyjamas. Shivering, she crawled into bed, pulling the covers up to her neck. She closed her eyes and listened to the steady drum of the shower, waiting for the Doctor to come back out.
It didn’t take him long. She heard the bathroom door open and shut, and light briefly flashed across her closed eyelids. Then the bed tilted towards one side and the Doctor climbed in next to her.
“Rose,” he whispered. “Are you asleep?”
“Not yet.”
He shifted and then cuddled up behind her. His arms wrapped around her middle and he pulled her still wet hair back to kiss the back of her neck before stilling.
She could feel his heart thudding against her back, and she didn’t have to look at him to know he was still tense.
She rolled over. “Doctor? What’s wrong?”
He didn’t answer at first. His hand trailed up and down her side, and he seemed lost in thought. Finally, he said. “Rose, you were dying and I didn’t even know.”
“Don’t be stupid. That’s not your fault.”
“He knew… the other me knew. And if he hadn’t…”
“He only knew ‘cos I fell through to the other universe.
“Yeah,” he said gruffly.
Rose cuddled into his side. “Does it matter? I’m better now.”
“It’s not that. It’s…”
Instead of finishing, he pressed his nose to her cheek, seeming content with just touching her for the time being. Half-human or not, it was still half impossible to get him to talk about anything that mattered.
“Come on,” she said, pushing lightly on his chest. “What is it? Doctor?”
“We were on our honeymoon, Rose,” he said pulling away, and almost sounding annoyed that she hadn’t all ready figured that out on her own. “I used to think it’d be better if we went away-somewhere without Torchwood and aliens and fire-breathing Smalgenvores.”
“They only breathed fire when they were provoked!” Rose protested. She sat up in bed, suddenly wide-awake. “Doctor, that sort of life? Without the aliens and adventures? How rubbish is that? You’d hate it.”
He sat up next to her, letting his elbows rest on his knees. “I know.”
“Then why…?”
He shrugged. “You’d be safe.”
“Oh,” Rose whispered.
He pinched the bridge of his nose. “But we were on our honeymoon,” he repeated. “We haven’t seen a single alien in days, and the biggest mystery I’ve thought about is why on Earth anyone in their right mind would use that wallpaper in the living room of the honeymoon suite.”
“Maybe the owners were colour blind?”
The Doctor contemplated that for a moment before shaking his head. “The point is, we were on the world’s most boring holiday-”
“Oi!”
“And you still... you...”
“All right, it’s okay,” she said, arms automatically going around him. He fell silent and leaned into her. In the dark, she could just make out the curve of his nose on his face. She hooked one leg over his and dropped her voice. “How come you asked me if I wanted to go with him? It’s not like TARDIS travel is the safest thing in the universe.”
He drew in a sharp breath. “That’s different.”
“Is it?”
He stiffened but Rose held on to him tighter. “Yes. I’m not just… just an obligation. Last time you didn’t get a choice. This time you did.” He paused. “He’s missed you.”
She felt her heart flutter, but she only said, “I’m not just gonna go throw away a relationship we’ve spent five years building.” She shifted her weight so she could look him in the eyes. “Besides, I chose the Doctor. Every time. He’s still you, isn’t he?”
“Yeah,” he said after a pause. And then, “D’you really think so?”
She hadn’t seen him this insecure since those long weeks after Bad Wolf Bay. “I didn’t marry you ‘cos I was settling for an ‘obligation,’” she said sharply.
“That’s not what I meant,” said the Doctor. He gave a ragged sigh. “If a part of you still wanted to be with him…” He trailed off, suddenly looking unsure of what he wanted to say. “Well,” he settled on, shrugging.
Rose opened her mouth to reply, but a sudden memory distracted her.
”I came back,” said the Doctor, holding her hand, face bent down close to hers. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught a flash of blue as his duplicate left the room.
Her heart pounded. Dimly she was aware that they were in the console room (when had that happened?), but his fingers squeezed hers and she fixed her gaze on his. Questions of “What’s going on?” and “How did I get here?” died in her throat.
“You should have said goodbye,” she found herself saying.
The Doctor ignored that. “Rose, listen, there’s something I have to tell you.”
Her pounding heart kicked it up a notch. “What is it?”
He took a deep breath. “If this is my last chance-and I mean that, really and properly this time-Rose Tyler, I…”
“Rose?” called the Doctor.
She jumped, and the memory faded. But she knew how that sentence was going to end and it brought on a powerful wave of sorrow and elation. He’d said it-five years too late and when she wasn’t in her right mind-but he’d still said it.
She reckoned she had a pretty good idea what had made her Doctor feel so insecure.
“Listen, I’m never gonna stop missing him.” She reached for his hand and wound her fingers through his, squeezing them tightly. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with you.”
He took that in. His fingers trailed over her wedding ring. “Okay,” he whispered. “Thank you.”
She smiled. “We’re okay?”
“Oh, yes,” he said. Then, looking thoughtful, he tapped the side of her head. “What about in there?”
She didn’t answer right away. Instead she tugged the covers back over both of them, suddenly exhausted again. Her eyes closed as soon as her head hit the pillow, and her words were thick and heavy when she finally replied, “It’s much quieter now.”