(no subject)
I've had another one of my up and down weeks. Lost a couple of days to the liquid morphine and sleep. I was supposed to have a visit from one of the women I used to work with on Tuesday but had to cancel because I was in so much pain. I did talk to her on the phone the next day, though, and that was almost as good as a visit. She filled me in on a lot of good stories about people I knew there. We've kind of left it up to me letting her know on a day when I'm feeling good to call her at work and if she's not busy, she'll come by for a visit then. It's gotten so hard for me to plan anything.
Jerry had his exit interview yesterday so he is now officially "early retired." His group had a cake and gave him a gift certificate to Barnes and Noble which was nice of them. Still, he says he's happy to be finished there. He will collect severance pay until the end of October so he has time to think and rest and maybe come up with a plan for something else he might like to do on a part time basis. I hope he'll feel better and maybe begin to feel a bit more positive about life in general.
I have to keep reminding myself on my very bad days that the pain will eventually subside and I will feel better the next day or so. At least for now, anyway. Sometimes I forget that when the pain commands my full attention. I do think I'm at a point where I need to increase my dose to get the relief I need but my nurse tells me that it's okay. I'm to take what I need. It's just that then I need to sleep for longer periods of time. Some days I hardly even get out of bed.
My body is changing in to a very odd shape. My arms and my legs are very thin now and my collar bones are quite prominent. I can see the rib bones across my upper chest. But since my liver is getting larger, I'm beginning to look like I'm wearing an inner tube around my middle. *sigh* It may be fluid accumulating again, also. I know that it looks pretty strange, for sure, and it kind of hurts if I bend over too far. Occasionally, I'll get a sharp pain spasm coming from my liver. Sometimes I'll get the pain when I'm eating. It doesn't help when my appetite is already so compromised. I still try to eat what I can, but it's not much these days. My nurse did say that at this point the cancer tends to take whatever it can from the body and since I'm not really absorbing the nutrients very well that I should try not to worry too much about eating if I'm not able to. It makes sense to me, I guess. I'm only writing this here to somehow try and describe what I'm going through. I think these are the things they don't show you in the movies, you know? Most of what has been happening to me has been quite a surprise, to be honest.
But...I'm still here. And I'm still doing fairly well, considering. I know it won't always be so, but I'm trying to remain thankful and grateful on a daily basis for what I'm still able to accomplish.
It's been cool and rainy for a couple of days but it's been fine by me. I haven't even had to think about putting the A/C window units in. Maybe this will be another summer where I really won't need to. I go day by day anyway. I really don't have much sense of a future. Like during the winter my goal was to see another spring. I'm grateful that I was given that. But now...I don't have a feeling that there's a lot of time left for me. Or at least that's what my body is showing/telling me. But, I've been surprised before so who knows? I feel okay today and that's enough for me right now. My nurse is supposed to be here in an hour or so. I look forward to her coming because she is nice enough to put the Udderly Smooth lotion on my legs so I don't have to bend over so far. I'm so easily satisfied. :)
Later.
Jerry had his exit interview yesterday so he is now officially "early retired." His group had a cake and gave him a gift certificate to Barnes and Noble which was nice of them. Still, he says he's happy to be finished there. He will collect severance pay until the end of October so he has time to think and rest and maybe come up with a plan for something else he might like to do on a part time basis. I hope he'll feel better and maybe begin to feel a bit more positive about life in general.
I have to keep reminding myself on my very bad days that the pain will eventually subside and I will feel better the next day or so. At least for now, anyway. Sometimes I forget that when the pain commands my full attention. I do think I'm at a point where I need to increase my dose to get the relief I need but my nurse tells me that it's okay. I'm to take what I need. It's just that then I need to sleep for longer periods of time. Some days I hardly even get out of bed.
My body is changing in to a very odd shape. My arms and my legs are very thin now and my collar bones are quite prominent. I can see the rib bones across my upper chest. But since my liver is getting larger, I'm beginning to look like I'm wearing an inner tube around my middle. *sigh* It may be fluid accumulating again, also. I know that it looks pretty strange, for sure, and it kind of hurts if I bend over too far. Occasionally, I'll get a sharp pain spasm coming from my liver. Sometimes I'll get the pain when I'm eating. It doesn't help when my appetite is already so compromised. I still try to eat what I can, but it's not much these days. My nurse did say that at this point the cancer tends to take whatever it can from the body and since I'm not really absorbing the nutrients very well that I should try not to worry too much about eating if I'm not able to. It makes sense to me, I guess. I'm only writing this here to somehow try and describe what I'm going through. I think these are the things they don't show you in the movies, you know? Most of what has been happening to me has been quite a surprise, to be honest.
But...I'm still here. And I'm still doing fairly well, considering. I know it won't always be so, but I'm trying to remain thankful and grateful on a daily basis for what I'm still able to accomplish.
It's been cool and rainy for a couple of days but it's been fine by me. I haven't even had to think about putting the A/C window units in. Maybe this will be another summer where I really won't need to. I go day by day anyway. I really don't have much sense of a future. Like during the winter my goal was to see another spring. I'm grateful that I was given that. But now...I don't have a feeling that there's a lot of time left for me. Or at least that's what my body is showing/telling me. But, I've been surprised before so who knows? I feel okay today and that's enough for me right now. My nurse is supposed to be here in an hour or so. I look forward to her coming because she is nice enough to put the Udderly Smooth lotion on my legs so I don't have to bend over so far. I'm so easily satisfied. :)
Later.