if you could only see the beast you've made of me

[tearsthrulife]

If asked, Rahne wouldn't say that she's gotten soft. After years spent on various teams, she doesn't think it would be possible to lose that edge and the instincts that have been instilled in her, even in a place that isn't much more than a permanent vacation. What she has done, though, is begun to relax a little in the months she's been here. Even

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[like_arrows]

These days it feels like my mind's always going a million directions at once and I'm buried in my own thoughts as I walk along, coat pulled up tight around my neck. This whole winter thing? So not for me. I'm bundled up like a baby -- and I guess I kind of am, because half the people here are acting like the cold's nothing, but before this place, pretty much the only snow I ever saw was on top of the Matterhorn.

What I see when I round the corner, though, drives out thoughts of my chattering teeth and Disneyland alike. It's almost enough to drive out lunch.

I've seen awful things, awful, awful things, but I can't think of a time I saw anything laid out so bare, so brutal as this. I can't really think -- or move or look away.

"Rahne, oh my God -- are you okay? What -- Rahne?"

[tearsthrulife]

Even when Rahne realizes that she's being spoken to, she doesn't, can't look away, no matter how awful it is to look at. It's like that because of her; even if she weren't probably in shock, she doesn't have the right to not want to see. Her father, as much of a bastard as he may have been, will never see anything again. He was right about her. Anyone, anything that could do this is a monster.

"No," she says once more, as much to Nico now as to herself -- an answer to if she's okay, if she were to think about it, which she can't. "This isn't right, it's - it shouldn't be here, it can't be, I - I didn't mean to." Intents don't change a thing, though, and her father, what's left of him, is still dead in front of her, and to make matters worse, someone else has seen. She'd been a fool, to ever begin to put this behind her.

[like_arrows]

She's babbling or something like it, the words not making a whole lot of sense to me. I don't know what it is she didn't meant to do, because this -- it -- and it is an it now, whatever or whomever it used to be --

It shouldn't be here, she's right about that. I've heard about things like this -- no, not like this, never exactly like this -- but things just turning up, sudden and unwelcome, unasked for. It would leave anyone in shock, but it sounds like she actually knows who this is. Was. Like she has a guess at the least, like she's maybe seen it before.

One second I'm standing there, staring blankly at the corpse and then at the air above it, and the next I'm nearer to the ground, arms wrapping around Rahne's shoulders, gaze turned toward the more forgiving red of her hair so I don't have to look, and I don't really know how I moved from point A to point B. "It's okay, it's okay. It's going to be alright. We'll take care of it." I don't even know what I'm saying.

[tearsthrulife]

For a moment, a brief one, Rahne finds herself grateful that she never got any nearer to the body, because Nico's arms around her are the closest thing to a comfort as she's likely to get. It isn't much, but it is enough to bring her back to reality a little more. Eyes widening a little, she stares, looking but not really seeing, and leans in towards Nico, still shivering from the cold.

"I don't know what to do with him," she says, barely realizing as she changes pronouns. He can't just stay here like this, after all, it's too risky, but beyond that, she doesn't know what to do with herself, either. "I never meant to hurt anyone."

[like_arrows]

"Tell me what happened," I urge, gentle as I can. She might be older and more experienced, but that doesn't matter. Right now, it's my job to protect her. We always protect our own. "When, Rahne? Just now?" I don't know enough to judge by looking at the body, which is just as well, because I don't know how long I could stomach looking at it anyway. I need facts and details. I need a plan.

[tearsthrulife]

"No," Rahne says, shaking her head, because that much, she's clear about. Almost everything else is a mess in her head, but at least she's got that one thing to hold onto. She isn't so much of an optimist, but she can be grateful for that much, even if the fact that it happened back home means that it definitely shouldn't be here. "Back home, I - I changed, I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't mean to."

[like_arrows]

I grew up in California and there's not a lot that I know about snow, but I do know that, with it this cold, it'd be hard digging into this ground even if I had a shovel of some kind. And I don't. That doesn't change the first thing to leap into my mind.

"We have to bury it," I tell her, trying to keep as calm as possible. One of us panicking is bad enough. I can't even wrap my mind around the implications of what she's saying as it is. "We can't just leave it here." And we can't tell anyone either. I don't know if there's anyone we can trust.

[tearsthrulife]

"Here?" Rahne asks, wide-eyed as she looks over at Nico, honestly unsure. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she's aware, too, that this is hardly any weather for getting rid of a body, but Nico's right -- they can't just leave him, this, here. Too much else could go wrong if they even risked it. "Or should we try to move him?"

[like_arrows]

I hesitate, then nod. "Here." There are probably better places -- God, there are probably better ideas, better things we could do, people we should turn to, I don't even know -- but I can't imagine how we'd move that. I don't want to try. "I don't know, though. We don't have tools or... I don't know how to do this." The only times we've ever had to dig graves, I didn't help. It was too much, too awful or too weird, and now there's only me.

[tearsthrulife]

"Maybe there's some other way," Rahne replies, so uncertain even as she says it that it becomes a question. Nothing comes to mind, of course, but then again, her head is spinning and she was lost even before Nico showed up. "Something faster, easier." She feels guilty for even hoping for that immediately -- she did this, she has no right to be looking for an easy way out -- but if she's learned anything from being on various teams, it's the importance of a quick fix in a situation so dire.

[like_arrows]

"We can use the snow," I say, wary of that for reasons I'm about to explain, "but that's only going to work so long. It'll mean coming back to cover it up for real later." And I don't think Rahne wants that, but it's so much more feasible than actually digging some kind of makeshift grave in this weather. I don't have time to think about it beyond that, to consider what's going on or the ramifications; I'll get hung up on the details if I don't barrel through.

[tearsthrulife]

"We could try it," Rahne agrees, a little cautious herself. It's only a quick fix, but it's better than nothing, and it will get these bones out from in front of her. She isn't sure she can do this, sit here and be faced with them, for much longer, no matter how unfair it is for her to think so. It means she'll be able to come back on her own, anyway -- not that she isn't grateful for the help, but this isn't Nico's burden to bear. She just needs to get herself collected. "It'd be easy, at least, for now. And the snow won't be going anywhere just yet."

[like_arrows]

"That settles it then," I say, and start to work on it. It's a weird process, if I distance myself from it, scooping up snow in my gloved hands to try and bury these remains under it. It seems too simplistic, but too time-consuming as well, everything done by inches without tools, and it's only in coming this close that I actually notice the way it smells. Even when I've dealt with the dead before, the deaths have always been recent, the wounds, though grave, small enough in comparison, that I've never had to deal with anything like this before, and it turns my stomach badly enough that I think I might throw up, too. Pushing past that, though, I soldier on, because however this happened, whatever she did, she'll still have done it when we've finished. All we can do is cover this up and get far away, and then there might be time for answers.

[tearsthrulife]

Only when Rahne tries to move to help does she realize that she can't, at least not yet. Really, it's only the thought that Nico shouldn't be doing this at all, not to mention alone, that forces her to get to work too, her gaze deliberately remaining fixed on her hands as she begins digging in the snow, making more room. They're just lucky, she supposes, that there's enough of it. Any less snow on the ground and they'd be out of luck. "Thank you," she says after a few moments of silence, certain that she's said it before but not wanting to seem any less grateful than she is. She can't say much more, but that, she can manage.

[like_arrows]

I should probably worry about this, if you think about it. I probably shouldn't brush off her thanks with a shake of my head and a grim smile, but I do and I don't worry. I've become the kind of girl who helps bury bodies and hardly asks a question and I can't even say I don't know when that happened to me. It's been a long time since I was just a girl, doing her best in classes, going to church, practicing the freaking tuba. It feels longer still.

When I finish, I step back, brushing the snow from my gloves. Either I'm more accustomed to the cold or the work of it got to me, because I'm tempted to start peeling off layers. "You'd do the same for me. I mean, I don't have any bodies to bury I know of, but... you know. Come on, you need to not be here."

[tearsthrulife]

"That's an understatement," Rahne mutters to herself, swallowing heavily as she glances at the snow. Maybe it's only fair, maybe she should have to deal with this, but it's been too long already and she's feeling too unsteady as it is, not even on her feet yet. "I just don't know where to go."

The Compound's out of the question; she can't risk being around other people in the face of all this. She isn't sure she wants to be alone, left to her own thoughts, but it's probably better than the alternative.