Tell me what you see ch.4
Title: Tell me what you see
Genre: ANGST!! fluff/romance/smut?
Pairing: Yoosu
length: chaptered
rating: nc-17,warning: deals with themes of self harming
Disclaimer: erm really?
Summary: Yoochun suffers with low self esteem... Junsu makes it all better ( warning: attempt at Seme Su smut which may phail in epic proportions...!)
A/n: angst not easy to cut off midway~ hopefully smut with a little happiness to follow. The rest of this chapter to be updated tomorrow (finally .... an end!)
Part 4
His gentle caresses slowly unravelled the coiled inner turmoil i had harboured for so long~ i felt resistance leave me with each lingering touch.
Though that voice in my head still cried out to break free of his hold and run away, the volume had decreased considerably.
Almost as if the monsters in my head had finally had enough aswell...
"Junsu please... dont"
I choked out the words as his fingers trailed over my exposed skin, timid touches making their way closer to my end.
How much longer could this go on for? how long before i broke down completely?
He was slowly edging closer and closer to the dark abyss within me, stepping into the darkness that threatened to engulf me....
My pleas went unheard as he stubbornly continued delving deeper and deeper, exposing more of me as he went along.
With each layer that was removed, more of my shame got revealed.
Marks that adorned my body, marks i had taken great pains to hide were left naked to him; some bruises caused by carelessness and some scars left by the blunt razor that befriended me at my lowest point.... each one touched and looked over in painful silence.
"When.... when did you.... why?"
Junsu looked as frozen as i felt right now. His lips moved but no sounds were heard as he thumbed the fresh wounds on my chest... ever so thin scratches that looked superficial but painful nonetheless. I hadnt really had enough strength when these were made, my hands had trembled due to a fever and i had given up before losing consciousness for a few minutes in the bathroom.
when i had come around; the insistant pounding on the bathroom door by an impatient Jaejoong had prompted me to cover up and call it a day.
Fear of discovery was a great motivator~ despite the weak state my body was in, i had managed to rush around in record time,
clearing all signs and hiding all evidence of what i had been doing before strolling out of the bathroom, nonchalantly....
I had no response for him... what could i say?
how would words explain?
The relief i felt when the blunt razor dug in...
the momentary reprieve from the all encompassing darkness it provided?
How the pain paled in comparison to the ache that refused to leave me? its presence a heavy weight, pulling me deeper into a numbed state.
I sighed, facing the other way with a blank look... the wall had never been observed with such interest im sure~ my eyes bore a hole into the wall, unblinking and unfazed even as i felt him smooth his hand over the marks. Lips replaced hands and i gasped, sucking in as much air as i could. My lungs felt like they were on the verge of collapsing due to a lack of oxygen...
I bit my lip, helpless against the onslaught of tender affection being lavished on my wrecked body.
I longed to push him away but strength evaded me, my limbs remained lifeless at my side, unable to move...
A part of me almost cheered him on... as if wanting to be found out. Tired and weary of fighting untangible forces, it was like i wanted him to discover all the ugliness hidden inside.
"Oh Chun.........."
His words faltered, i could have sworn his voice cracked.... i heard him breathe out deeply before murmuring
"why ?"
"why did i never see?"
I heard a curse uttered violently and stiffened... surely now he would leave?
A sharp intake of breath made my ribs jut out even more when his lips touched my navel.
What was he doing?!
"im so sorry Yoochun-ah... so sorry.... "
I frowned in confusion at the unexpected words~ why was he apologising?
A drop of something wet touched my stomach... i gingerly touched the spot, feeling... water? i propped my head up to find tears shining in his eyes, a few having escaped onto my skin.
"Su?"
I sat up to peer at him uncertainly~ this was'nt how this was supposed to go
"forgive me Chun.... im so sorry baby... why didnt i see?"
He was rocking slightly now, his hands still firmly placed on my marks.
Tears cascaded down his cheeks as he gazed down at me.
I felt even more lost now than i did before~ hurt shone in his eyes, tearing me up inside.
Why was he crying? i had been devoid of sentiment up until this point, freezing myself on purpose but his tears clawed at my chest threatening to break me completely.
"Su please dont... " i begged with closed eyes, praying for this ordeal to end already.
"Tell me why? please Yoochun... tell me why..."
Junsu was sincerely confused~ he had an inkling but the extent of Yoochuns despair had hit him hard.
Self harming was'nt something he had entertained the thought of. Never in his wildest musings could he have guessed, this is what the boy had been putting himself through....
"why....."
"Why?" i thought of all the times i had asked myself the same question~ albeit for different reasons.
Why had we left Korea? why had my parents rowed so much? why did poverty wreak havock on our small family?
why did Ricky cry late at night when he thought i couldnt hear?
why did friends become strangers with every passing day with the possibilty of fame?
why did Ricky mumble 'hyung make it better please' down the phone, wrenching my heart?
why did helpless eyes watch DBSK turn into my family only to then be subjected to the pain of having to watch them all suffer until bodies ached with weariness.... why did none of it change no matter how hard he worked?
why did poverty not ease up its torment despite taking on as many jobs his teenage body could cope with?
why did Fame not smile gracefully despite molding and conforming to this industry's ridiculous standards?
He especially had worked on dance move after dance move, starved himself to achieve the anime look the stylists insisted were popular these days, spent countless nights exhausting his limited knowledge of 'self taught piano playing', to try and compose a song worthy of singing....
Why..?. in the end of it all... why was he never good enough? why could he never make it better for anyone?